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Author Topic: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out  (Read 5209 times)

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Offline Liouxie Lioux

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  • Posts: 6
recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« on: January 26, 2008, 06:25:36 AM »
So here's my story.  Dec. 28, 2007 was The Day.

I'm a gay male.  I live in NYC.  I had considered this a "maintenance" test - I was not worried.  Though I've been quite sexually active I have always had safe sex consistently.  I can only imagine a condom must've broken, some jerk played a nasty trick on me or...  Who knows?

I feel completely shocked, traumatized, etc., etc.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck.  And the feeling never goes away - I'm preoccupied almost every second I'm awake. I can barely do my job.  I find myself just sobbing every day.  Friends spend tons of time with me.  They are wonderful, and I feel especially lucky to have them but...  Holy shit!

My first lab test results: viral load 63K, my T-cell count 362.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I could go on, but then, reading War and Peace would be shorter.

Liouxie Lioux

Offline mplsdoubled

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  • Posts: 52
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2008, 08:29:50 AM »
Hang in there!  Stay close to those friends and start to gather more and more information but do it slowly.  It can be overwhelming to take in too much; too soon.

I tested positive on September 4 so a newbie myself.  Today I am attending an event at a local AIDS Service Organization for the first time.  It's taken me a while to begin to wrap my arms around this but, like you, I have great friends and family who have been very supportive.

This is a great place to find information and connect to others who are dealing with similiar issues and stages of LIFE.  It should be comforting to realize that you are not alone.

Hopefully you have a good doc.  Mine is fantastic and he reminds me constantly that this is a manageable disease.  With proper health, lifestyle, nutrition and medication, we should expect to live a long, normal life.  Be sure to take care of yourself.


Offline BT65

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Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2008, 09:21:07 AM »
Hi Liouxie, and welcome.  When I tested poz, which was '89, I tried to find all the info I could.  Of course, at that time, things were a lot different.  I know it's a very difficult diagnosis to deal with, no matter what year it is.  If you can limit yourself on the tons of info out there, try to do that. 

So, you've had your first doctor's appointment, I take it, since you posted your numbers.  How is your health overall?  That's what you should be thinking about right now, not projecting all the things that "could" happen.  You'll probably freak out when you get your first cold; it's normal.  Just try not to be anxious.  I think it's wonderful that you have such supportive friends.  Call your ASO (Aids Service Organization) and get involved in a support group-they're wonderful to connect with other positive people, especially when first testing positive.  And if things get to be too much, try a good therapist.  That can be a lifesaver.  Of course, we're always here too. :-*  Hang in there!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline Roie

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Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2008, 06:42:22 AM »
Hi Louis.
I first found out in July 2007, I sort of lived in denial, hoping that it will go away.
But of course it does not go away and my doc has now reccomended me medications.

It takes time to come to terms with it especially as I have to take the meds. The meds have made it all very real.

What I am saying is that we have a cronic illness that we can beat.
You have friends and this site which is an amazing support system.
Take care and you will be fine.

Cruise on down the High Way

"When people who are not ready jump in, things can go horribly wrong. For most of us, there is always time to take a deep breath, consider one's options and make a careful, sound decision based on clinical fact, not emotion."


  • Member
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Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2008, 09:22:13 AM »
you are very fortunate to have friends that are both supportive ,loving and understanding.!!

Offline Liouxie Lioux

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  • Posts: 6
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2008, 10:01:35 AM »
Thank you.  Yes it's true, I feel really lucky to have friends keeping my head over water.  And that's what they are doing - this is just about the only thing that's made me feel better.  What a doozy this all is.

I guess I'm, well, really sensitive, and while I'm not embarrassed about it, I just wish that the trauma would subside for awhile.  A day, or even several hours would be good.  I feel like John Ashcroft has crawled into my brain and raised the terror alert to red.  Orange or yellow would be a fucking relief.  (On the other hand, every cloud has a silver lining - at least he isn't singing "Let the Eagle Soar.")

I'm starting a support group tomorrow, and I've started working on finding the right shrink.  I think that, mentally, this will ultimately pull me back from the brink.

I appreciate hearing from everyone who responded to my post because for a number of reasons, not least I don't assume this is easier for you.  It's helping me ease out of enormous self-pity and, much like I did before I found out I was poz, I feel an enormous amount of empathy for anybody who has to deal with such bad news.

Thanks.  Louis

Anyway thanks for responding, and keep it coming.  Louis
Liouxie Lioux

Offline traveltramp

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  • Posts: 40
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2008, 10:12:45 AM »
Relax, emotions are like the weather.. Somtimes rain and storms and other times clear and sunny.  Somtimes the storms last longer than others, but in the end it will clear up.. It always does..

Life is  balance... you feel  suffering now, but when you understand this suffering and let it go, you will feel equal joy and happiness.  The feelings you have are temporary, do not fight them only observie them.  Do not change them, just observe them.  Do not fear them, just observe them.  All is well, as are you.

Big blessings...
7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2008, 11:46:03 AM »
Hello Louis.  I've been poz for 24 years, yet I can remember that first year very clearly.  What you are experiencing is perfectly normal and believe it or not, it will get better.  Right now, you just need to try and refocus your energy into activities that you enjoy, so you will not have so much time to just sit and brood.  Yes easier said than done, but you need to do this for yourself.  You also need to start taking very good care of your body, mind and spirit.  It is great that you have such supportive friends and the best way to get all the support you can is to be honest about what you think and feel.

This is all very new for you and it is not uncommon for someone to take a year or so to fully adjust to their status.  There is no rush, your health is fine, so try and avoid all that worrying about things that will never happen.  That is also where your therapist can help you, because you need to use every form of support that will help you.  Other than that, only time will move you past these feelings.  You did nothing to deserve HIV and all that matters is you taking good care of yourself.

Trust me, things will get better and Traveltramp gave you excellent advise regarding your feelings.  Feelings are neither good or bad... they just are.  Let yourself feel, laugh and cry and start adjusting to your new status.  Start to learn about accepting those things that you cannot change and instead, put your energy into those things that you can change.  You will be fine.  And while we cannot tell you how your journey will be, we will always be there to walk beside you.

Welcome to the forums.

Offline anniebc

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  • AM member since 2003
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2008, 05:45:40 PM »
Hi Louis

Welcome to the forums.

I can't really add to the advise that everyone has given you so far, and you have been given some good advise.

I just thought you would like to know that when I came to the forums 5 years ago I was like you, confused, not knowing which way to turn, Killfoile gave me pretty much the same advise he is giving you today, it took a few months for it to sink in..but I took his advise, and the advise of others who came to my resue back then, I still have the odd day when I don't feel the best..but over all I'm in a much better place now than I was 5 years ago thanks to the advise I was given and believe me I have never looked back.

Take one step at a time.


Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline next2u

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  • Posts: 1,802
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2008, 07:02:52 PM »
hello there,
give yourself time to freak out, this definitely takes some adjustment. there is a lot of information out there, don't deluge yourself : )
sounds like you are off to a good start. friends, a support group and the therapist! congrats on getting your bases covered. after a while the warning will go from red to orange, yellow, or whatever the next security level is. next thing you know, life is going on. things will be different, but manageable. hey, you've picked up some more friends for your journey here.

the lessons section here is an awesome a resource. ive also picked up some literature from amazon.com. my fav so far has been the first year HIV - an essential guide for the newly diagnosed.

-take care
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860

Offline indianhiv

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2008, 10:41:42 PM »
I tested positive this month. I tried 25 days to come to term but the sub conscious mind was always unto it. Yesterday I decided to meet my doc. who put me onto some ant depression drug. He says it would be fine within a few days.

Offline achim-martin

  • Member
  • Posts: 43
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2008, 09:20:54 AM »
Besides the mental advises above, just start your full HAART treatment a.s.a.p. The positive results within a few months will help you to get over the depression.
Soon you'll be just taking 2 pills at night and thats it - not too bad, right?!

But don't wait, its much harder once the cd4 counts get below certain levels. Side effects from medication and secundary illnesses get worse, the more your body immune- and restoresystem has already suffered. There is always hope and support, but the sooner you start the better for your everyday life constitution. :) 


  • Member
  • Posts: 230
  • Anything is possible, ANYTHING
Re: recently tested positive and, to be honest, freaking out
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2008, 05:48:45 PM »
louix,  as a fellow gay man i want to let you know that i am here if u need a chat, i to have recently found out  28th december i have had upseting moments - my saviour has been i have hiv poz friends who are doing fine statisticly on meds we have another 39 years left and in that time they WILL find a cure so stop fretting, get healthy and have a good look out on life, feel free to private message me if you want to

try and get involved in a local support group, in the uk we have many and i am sure there is one near you

all my love


Simon - Location Manchester England
Negative test 10/11/07
Tested poz 28/12/07
Confirmed WB 07/01/08
Sero-converted Late December 07

Date        CD4            %              VL

7/01/08   1273 :)      N/A       100,232
24/01/08   755 :(      42%         4,010
13/2/08     922 :)      45%       78,234
09/04/08   652 :(      38%       36,604
05/05/08   936 :)      39%       38,952
07/07/08   844 :)      34%       24,000
12/11/08   753 :(      31%       45,600
no meds yet:)


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