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Author Topic: What to do?  (Read 4187 times)

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Offline imjustagirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
What to do?
« on: January 25, 2008, 09:59:29 pm »
I'm new as a member, but not to the site.  My DH was infected almost 2 yrs ago playing outside our marriage.  Things are not going well between us and his need to hook up with random, unknown guys is getting worse. Honestly, it scares me to death.

He's already infected and I'm sure in his mind, that's the WORST that can happen to him.

But I've known other guys who followed the same path hes on and wound up drug addicted from partying, mentally unstable and depressed because they're all alone.  I don't want that for him.

I also fear that openness with his "playmates" will lead to something awful.  He's not being smart at all.  He has just enough identifying info on his profiles (let alone the pics he posts) that could be a stalker's field day.  What if one of these men is setting him up because hes a homophobe bent on hurting guys that do this?  What if one of these "tricks" gets "attached and stalks him, or worse still, finds out he's married and comes after our sons or me?

These are just a few of my fears.  It doesn't even touch the fact that we have to figure out what to do with the relationship in this state. But I'm more worried about his extracurricular activities first.

He is an intelligent, caring guy. To everyone he meets, he is very virtuous and logical.  Most people would NEVER guess the dirt he does behind everyone's back.

I'm scared for him.  I think he is spiraling in over his head like an addiction.  I want to protect him and I don't know how to help him or who to turn to.

Anyone got any ideas - I'm open to just about anything at this point.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2008, 10:25:15 pm by imjustagirl »

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,786
Re: What to do?
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2008, 06:23:16 am »
I would suggest some therapy for yourself, justagirl.  There's some reason you're staying with this man when he's "playing," and you need to figure out what that is and then do what's best for everyone.  If he's doing that, there's not much you can do to change him.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Andy Velez

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Re: What to do?
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2008, 07:22:26 pm »
Just like Betty said, the best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to take good care of yourself. His behavior isn't "like addiction." It IS addiction. And that's up for him to sort out, not you.

You need to protect your own health. If you are still having sex with him make sure intercourse always includes using a condom. No exceptions.

Get yourself to a professional and talk about what's going on. AIDS service organizations in your area may offer support groups for partners which is something you might also look into.

Keep us posted on how it's going. 
Andy Velez

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 5,821
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: What to do?
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2008, 01:13:20 pm »
You need to take care of yourself and your sons, period.  I have been where your husband is and his behavior is an addiction and as with all addicts, he will not change until he reaches rock bottom.  Fortunately he did not infect you, but if he lacks any concern in protecting himself... I don't see how you could have a physically intimate marriage.  Only you can decide on what is right for you, but I do know that children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one.

If you can, remove your husband from the equation and decide on what is best for your family.  I would suggest that you seek some counseling or attend a support group.  I think it would be helpful for you to meet others in your situation, if for nothing else, so you can stop blaming yourself for this happening.  I know it's there in the back of your mind and you need to realize that it is HIS decision to self-destruct and nothing that you did or said.  Take the time you need to come to terms with the situation and get other people to help you with their perspectives.  When we are in the middle of a crisis, it is very hard to see the "true" picture.

Offline structuredjen

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: What to do?
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2008, 10:33:38 am »
Welcome out of hiding justagirl  - it took me a while too.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  And sometimes, just knowing that makes dealing with it all a little easier.  It all seems so impossibly overwhelming when you feel like no one could begin to understand what you're going through.  I do. And there are many others here who do too.

So welcome officially! 

I sent ya a pm... hang around, and keep us posted :)



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