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Offline Alain

  • Member
  • Posts: 680
  • I am.
« on: July 12, 2006, 05:02:18 PM »
« Last Edit: November 03, 2006, 05:53:30 PM by cowandalehouse »

Offline water duck

  • Member
  • Posts: 404
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2006, 05:22:35 PM »

I  don't really know how to answer this, you kept so much emotions bottled up ; so let it out !!

CRY SCREAM whatever you choose, but , do it , let it out !!


I reach out my arms to you, just to touch you and hold you and make you understand this too shall pass, it is ok; we understand we are positive too.


Offline frenchpat

  • Member
  • Posts: 519
  • Love your friends, don't eat them.
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2006, 05:48:47 PM »

I don't know where to start but reading your post I recognize some of the overwhelming emotions I too get from time to time. I admire you for having the courage to share them here and I'd like to say this:
you've held on for 19 years and that to me means more than just being lucky or having the right meds. There is something in you, somewhere, however hidden even from your own eyes, something that is incredibly strong and beautiful.


People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,389
  • Member 2005
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2006, 07:16:55 PM »

I want what you have.  That you still have.......... ((don't even think about HIV anymore...))..  It's your anniversary, it's ok to get choked up.  It's ok to be scared for now, for a bit, but not for long.  I would love to learn your ways around the thinking "to much" process.  I hope I get that opportunity.   I know this is no fun.  I am not enjoying my new free-loaders.  I would much rather evict them, but since they are of a permanent residence now, I am going to have to learn how to tune them out.   

I hope your feeling better,  please continue to remember those, and remember us...

Offline tapwater

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
  • 19yrs poz
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2006, 09:06:14 PM »
What did I learned in the past 19 years and where did it go!
been asking that same ? to myself. And I'm only 38
« Last Edit: July 12, 2006, 09:08:02 PM by tapwater »

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2006, 05:19:56 AM »
Alain...First of all you are NOT alone.  Your tears, your flustrations are shared by many of us who have lost loved ones to this terrible scourge.  Important to remember we have good days and bad....  Hang in there, Good Buddy.  There's nothing wrong with being a survivor!
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2006, 06:58:14 AM »

Please know you are not alone.  I am coming up on my 23rd anniversary in September, and of course, just now, my virus has decided to once again raise it's ugly head and start to multiply again.  I guess we all are in your skin once in a while, and letting this bug overwhelm us is not a weakness, it is just one of those things we have to deal with from time to time.  That thread that you reference is not the most uplifting one to be reading just now for you, so I would suggest that you focus on the good ones for a while, and maybe spend some time in the Off Topic forum, and maybe you could author something foolish or funny there.  I find that helps sometimes.  Other times, we just have to work through it and focus on the good things in our lives, to help lift ourselves out of the blues that are inevitable with this bug.

I haven't welcomed you here, so with these flowers, I send you some positive energy and hope to hear you are bouncing out of the blues.  ;)

In Love.

[attachment deleted by admin]
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 31,900
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2006, 08:43:41 AM »
Alain, it's no surprise that you're feeling this way right now, anniversary or not. Living with this virus makes huge demands physically, spritually and emotionally. There's no way around that.

Along with taking care of your health the best you can, you can make sure there are people in your life who support you, who have some appreciation and respect for what you're experiencing.

Survivor guilt is something I have run into many times through the years."How come I am still alive when so many others I know aren't?" The fact is you are here. So use the time you have the best you can.

It may sound like a ridiculous thing to do, but something I have found that is very helpful during despairing and difficult moments is to make a gratitude list for what you have in your life -- for the taste of a peach, music, taking a shower, etc. etc. Interrupting what I call the circuit of death and despair, well, it really works for me.

Cheers and in solidarity,

Andy Velez

Offline dario

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Wonder why I feel this way!
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2006, 11:33:10 AM »
I wish I could say something helpful to you. But I was diagnosed with hiv just over 6 months ago ... and I am still not on meds.  It is you who would rather help me ... People like you who have passed all these years struggling against the virus are full of wisdom. 

Sometimes I do feel something similar to "survival guilt".  This happens to me when I go to the clinic and while I am waiting for the doctor I see all those young men & women from East Europe (many from Romania & Ukraine ... ).  I get so sad because I know that these people will not receive the same treatment as me because they are not European Union citizens.  They will not have the same access to drugs because most of them do not pay national insurance.  Then I feel ashamed of myself and I realise more and more that I have a share in the injustice that exist in the world. 

Alain, what you said makes a lot of sense to me.  It is so true and I thank you for sharing it.  We can help each other here ... Sharing is beautiful.


... when I was young, I never needed anyone, making love was just for fun, those days are gone ... Eric Carmen (Raspberries)


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