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Author Topic: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.  (Read 7180 times)

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Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« on: July 11, 2006, 01:16:40 am »
Well today has been one of those days that only reinforces the idea of me never disclosing my status to anyone ever again.

I've only disclosed to a small handful of people, my 2 ex partners of whom I love dearly, a couple of my closest straight female friends and 2 other gay men whom I have known for many years.

My ex partner of 14 years was sent a message by some guy on a personals website today and it said the following, nothing more, nothing less.  Neither of us had spoken with this guy for many years, and when we did, it was all on good terms.  It was very out of the blue, and out of character.

It read:

"wanna fuck raw!!  tell matt i wanted him to die... it wont be long now till u get it now u are in the mix... "

What the hell am I supposed to make of that?  My ex partner is negative incidentally, both of them are.  But wishing someone to die, isn't that pretty nasty stuff and high on the karma scale?  I don't know who's told who, but it seems one of the people I have told has been telling tales out of school, and rather hurtful ones.  I don't claim to ever have been a saint, with naer a bad word to say about anyone, but never in my life would I wish that shit on anyone, and I try and live life as a decent person trying to give back to the community when I can.

It's comments like the above that really makes me want to never disclose to anyone ever again, and disclosure is something I have been wrestling a lot with lately and what effects it would have on my conscience if I didn't.  Am I seriously going to have to put up with crap like this for the rest of my life?  If so I swear I will never tell another soul about my status, and no.. I wouldn't put anyone at risk either.. ever.. if that is what you are thinking.

Please forgive me for having a vent, a cry, a pity party or what ever you want to call it.  It really pisses me off to think that people can be so damned cruel, and I could be such a poor judge of character in whom I may have disclosed to.  Im usually a very good judge, jury and executioner and can spot a kind soul a million miles away.

Thanks for listening and letting me get my frustrations and hurt out.

Offline Lisa

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  • Formerly known as sweetieweasel/Joined Nov. 2004
    • http://www.myspace.com/lisanowak58
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2006, 01:35:45 am »
Brush the pompous ass off your shoulders, and keep right on being the good guy that we all know you are.
He obviously has developed a slight psychiatric disorder since you last saw him.  Don't let it phase you darling.
He'll wind up paying more dearly for his outburst, than you.
Apparently his ship is sinking, and he thought he'd drag everyone down with him. Don't dignify it with another thought.

(who still loves you, and I know your HIV+ too :P)
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline livingpositively

  • Member
  • Posts: 369
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2006, 01:55:48 am »
Hey Matt,  That really sucks!!!  While it's easier said than done, don't stress it.  Those people that are worthy of being in your life will make themselves known and love you for ALL of you.  Those that don't, well they aren't worth the energy it takes to deal with them.  Remember, "you can't fix stupid"


4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline JohnOso

  • Member
  • Posts: 817
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2006, 02:44:28 am »
Wow Cubby....that's some really vile shit going down there.  Not that it's any solace, but you really learn who your friends are....and who aren't.

(who's always gonna be in the former category, not the latter)

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2006, 02:58:20 am »
Thanks guys.. Im just amazed at how bored some people must be.  I've gotten over the nasty part, but I'd love to give who ever it was a bunch of fives.

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2006, 06:08:13 am »
Hey Matt,

Why put any energy at all into the ravings of some half-wit gossipping fool?

Not everyone you tell about your status will be so irrational and cruel.

People who do such things aren’t worth giving time to in my books.

Try to focus on the people you love and who love you. They're the ones deserving of your time and attention.




Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,185
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2006, 06:11:14 am »
Hi Matt

I agree with Lisa, don't give this guy another thought....it's unfortunate, but every now and then some idiot slips under our radar with the soul purpose of causing upset in our lives...just shrug it off and treat it with total indifference...anger takes up too much energy..you know you are a good man and that's all that matters.

Jan :-*
(who knows her cubbybear will grow up to be big and strong.. ;))
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline RAB

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  • Posts: 1,895
  • Joined March 2003
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2006, 08:08:25 am »

Rotten people do rotten things!

Don't let him have any power over you, shrug it off and go on living your life.  He can swim in the sewage he has made of his own life!


Offline David_CA

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  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2006, 08:31:32 am »

Please don't let something as inconsequential as the ramblings of a fool have any effect on your life.  You already know what not being able to disclose can do (that guy you were seeing and couldn't tell about your status).  Honestly, that prick that sent that message is in the minority; most people really aren't that nasty.  That message simply indicates a really bored individual.  I bet the rest of us have plenty to talk about without trashing somebody. 

I get the feeling you're much stronger than you give youself credit for.  Instead of  letting this guy beat you down, show that you are better and stronger by not letting it control you.  I know you feel violated and hurt, but keeping on being the good person that you are is all you can do.  Take care.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline cubbybear

  • Member
  • Posts: 510
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2006, 08:53:27 am »
Thanks guys.  Ive been doing what you've all said and not giving them any more of my time, and it's helped.  It's one thing learning to deal with a fairly new diagnosis as well as being symptomatic at the time and dealing with that, but another all together to deal with vile morons.  Im a very outwardly emotional person, be that anger, happiness, sadness, compassion, empathy or what ever, and this person just waved a red flag at this taurus the bull.

I went out for coffee with a very easy on the eyes male friend tonight so it was good diversional therapy to say the least.  I know there's a lot of lovely people around, they all just seem to be members of this forum.

Thanks for putting up with my recent dramas.

Offline bobik

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Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2006, 09:44:04 am »
Hey Matt,

I know you are not ready for this but give it a thought, as some future goal:

If the whole world knew you'd never have to disclose anymore.......would be much easier.

What a weird story you tell us! Bizarre. I'm glad you can put it next to you, cubby.


Coen Honig at Facebook

Offline AlanBama

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  • Posts: 3,670
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2006, 10:58:02 am »
Dear Matt,

Don't let this clown get to you, baby.   You are bigger than that.    A lot of people probably wished me dead at some point....I sure fooled the hell out of them didn't I?

I'd rather hear more about the guy you had coffee with....

Hugs & kisses to my favorite cub!

"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,915
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2006, 12:54:39 pm »


  One thing I have learned since becoming HIV positive is that I will not let any outsider make me feel bad..  I have HIV... there may be many dark days ahead and I am not about to  let anyone shit on the good days I have now!

  A week after being diagnosed one of my friends of more than twenty years dissed me for being HIV positive....  OUT OF MY LIFE!

  A month after being diagnosed my sister told me to sign my house over to her and she would take care of me.  Mind you I am in perfect health right now.... as perfect as it can be with HIV that is... When I told my dear sis No I would be fine, she told me, " Well when you get sick I can probably get it anyways."  She then proceeded to call me every name in the book...  GONE!  OUT OF MY LIFE!

  My first ex wife and I have always been on good terms.  She told me in anger one night that I deserve to have HIV...  OUT OF MY LIFE!

  A friend who I helped get a job where I work told my manager that I have HIV.... essentially making me hate the job that I loved.  When I asked him why he did it he said he was just trying to help me out... hmmm thanks!  OUT OF MY LIFE!

  Fuck these people...   People that I viewed as being important in my life showed me just how important my feelings were to them...  They stepped all over them...  They had their day to make me feel like shit and the next day they were gone.... GONE AND OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!

  Matt do not allow these people to have the power to affect your emotions...

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline mike

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  • Posts: 30
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2006, 01:11:02 pm »
I hope you can get over this 100% Matt but i imagine it's hard at first until you can think about it calmly and realise all that he is revealing is his own psychotically disturbed state of mind.

I think almost all of us sadly know that the very group which can on occasions give us so much support and love ( gay men ) is also the group that harbours some of the most bitterly psychologically twisted, two faced, bitchy screwed up fucks out there who think nothing of gossiping and bitching about friends for "sport"

How many times over the years have we heard inside the beloved community " see her over there, she's got aids, stay away" only to welcome the guy with open arms and air kisses when he approaches them.

like Thomas said "OUT OF MY LIFE", sorting out the good , the bad and the hideously ugly from your group of social contacts will always be a never ending process but one that you can do ! Be strong


Mike  ;D

Offline Joe K

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  • Member
  • Posts: 5,821
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2006, 01:35:35 pm »
Hey Matt,

I'm going to try a different tack here so that maybe you can learn the art of accepting those things that you cannot change.  You can't change the fact that people can do horrible things, you can only control your reaction to those actions.  I share your disgust at the message sent and if in fact it was from one of your circle of friends, then yes it's time to do a little weeding.

Yet, what concerns me most about this, is that you somehow feel that you had a role in this, because you were not a good judge of character.  Assuming that I have that right, then you need to hit yourself upside the head and repeat the following: "I have great friends and I do my best to protect myself, but I'll never control the actions of others."  Smack and reread as often as necessary until this sinks in.

Matt, you are a decent person and unfortunately bad things do happen to good people.  But to allow anyone to use words to control you?  Never.  The reason why this nasty message was sent is irrelevant.  That's the senders problem, so don't make it yours.  You did nothing to warrant this attack, so strive to ignore it and don't let it become an attack on your character.

People and situations change, as change is the only constant in life.  So while you might not always be able to "rail against the machine", you can always control how you view yourself and your behavior.  You could no more send such hatred, so why give it another thought?  Please work at realizing your true value, because when you accept how worthy you are, then attacks against your character are easy to dismiss.

The sender is attempting to exert power over you and so far, he's winning.  Him and his ideas are becoming toxic to you and his negative energy WILL come back on him.  Remove him from your life and remove this incident from your mind.


  • Guest
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #15 on: July 12, 2006, 08:51:00 am »
i agree, ignore him, he's not worth your time

Offline Trish

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  • Posts: 332
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2006, 09:56:49 am »
Hi Matt,

Sorry you're going through all this, but I suggest not wasting much energy on it.  People like that are not worth the aggravation.  You know who you are and what you're about -- don't stoop down to the level of this moron.  You've got more going for you than anyone who goes so low into the dirt.  Move on...drop it.  You're better than that idiot anyday.  Let it go... you've got better things to do with your life.  Exert all your energy toward those who are supportive.  The riff-raff will fade as you move on.


 (who believes Matt is worthy and a lovable Cubbybear  :) :-*)
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline zephyr

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    • Zephyr L.T.N.P. Foundation, Inc.
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #17 on: July 12, 2006, 10:18:26 am »
Dearest Matt...

  I'm sending you big BEAR HUGS and lots of Love!

  Do not distress, honey. There will always be that one bad apple in the barrel, rotten to the core.

  The thing about rotten apples is this: they decompose!!


Zeph :-*
"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Offline david25luvit

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  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #18 on: July 12, 2006, 02:13:40 pm »
Hey Matt....Just a word of support here.  But I think Joe said it well.  As far as disclosure and having it revisited...well I think we all have to revisit it from time to time.  But I think its important to remember that we are NOT responsible for what other people do or say.  Sometimes it hurts.  I know.  But in the end, its what we do and say that counts the most.  Now repeat after me....I am a good person.  I am flawless....and I will always be"

 :-* :-* :-*
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline Chadwick79

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  • Posts: 3
Re: Some people can be so cruel. Disclosure revisited.
« Reply #19 on: July 12, 2006, 02:32:20 pm »

I don't know how long you have known your status but I would like to offer you my 2 cents for what it's worth. Disclosure is a very personal thing and I believe that it is one of those few times in life when it is ok to be completely selfish. You should disclose your status when you are ready and only when you are ready. You should take your time and deal on your own and disclose we you feel you can handle whatever reaction people have. It's hard to consider the possibility that someone youtrust will break your confidence in them but you have to make sure that you are ready for that to happen when you confide in someone. I don't mean to be so negative but I had a similar experience and I think a big part of the reason that it hurt so much for someone to say mean things about me and my status is because I was truly ready for people to know and I hadn't really dealt with it myself. So, there's my little advice if it helps.

As far as the asshole is concerned. Forget about him. He is not someone that you need in your life. Think of it as the universe helping you to weed out those that are no good for you. You are strong enough to brush him off and I know you will.



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