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Author Topic: Oh, dear.  (Read 6424 times)

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Offline thunter34

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Oh, dear.
« on: December 09, 2007, 04:48:02 PM »
A few of you know, I've been diagnosed BPMD in the past.  A few of you also know I've become aware of an increasing resurgence of the symptoms associated with this condition.  Well, I'm afraid it's beginning to become a rather significant resurgence. 

Mind you all that I'm not the Bi-Polar Manic Depressive type that flies into sudden and unusual rages at people.  My ups and downs are of the happy to sad variety.  Really Happy...Really Sad.  I've been on Wellbutrin for this in the past, and it worked terrifically for me.    So much so that after awhile I felt ok trying to go off of it to see how I might do.  I'm pretty sure that little grace period is coming to a close.

In the past few weeks, my emotions have started to do the old roller coaster bit again.  It's getting pretty extreme now.  I'm going up and down several times per hour now.  Yikes.  I'm crying at tampon commercials, TV shows, things I read on the net, walking to the mailbox...you name it.  I'm even starting to cry in my sleep now.  Seriously.  I'll wake up from a nap to find I've been crying.  It just happened twice this afternoon...I woke up sad and crying, recuperated and dozed back off.  I woke again to the same thing.  And get this:  I woke up fast enough to remember a bit of my dream.  I was DREAMING that I was on my knees sobbing, "It will never get better...and no one will ever understand the sadness."

Unlike some other folks around here, I have no compunction whatsoever about resuming antidepressants.  Swore I would resume them if I came to feel I needed them again - and that time is now.  I've been down in that emotional ditch before, and I ain't going back.  This little taste is enough for me.  The resurgence is coming on rather fast, though.  I will have to wait until after the first of the year to get in with the pill doc.  Let's hope I can hold it somewhat together till then, or I'm gonna be the life of everyone's holiday party. 

Unless they catch me on the manic side.  That part is a blast.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2007, 04:50:09 PM by thunter34 »
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2007, 10:43:09 PM »
Timtation~  It sounds like you are well aware of what's happening with the emotions, and that you have your game plan ready.  You actually make this sound easy!  ;)   Hell, I cry at everything, too!  I wish you the best going on meds for this, and hope that it makes you feel better.

Merry Christmas, Sweetie.

~ Cindy
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2007, 05:18:57 AM »
Oh dear, indeed.  I wish you didn't have to wait until January to get some help.  The holidays can be a real trigger for these kinds of things.  See my PM.

I didn't know that with BPMD one could cycle several times an hour.  That makes me wonder about myself.  But this isn't about me -- it's about you.  It seems to me you are in a really difficult and painful place right now, if you are dreaming about crying.  But at least recognize what is going on.


"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Peter6836

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2007, 02:06:30 PM »
Oh Dear,
I know exactly how you feel. I have to agree that it is a shame that you have to wait until after the holiday. Holiday's can be extremely stressful for those without bi polar disorder. For those of us with the disorder it can be a very confusing and rollercoaster time. I suggest if you can get in to see someone before the holidays that you do that.
I can certainly sympathise with you emotional distress. I too battle the same demons. Know that all though it is not easy stay calm and rational as you can.
Hope you can have a great Holiday!!! If you ever need to talk about your ups and downs I can relate.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2007, 02:11:48 PM »
Timberly, I just re-started Wellbutrin myself a week ago, though I'm hoping it will also help with getting off my cancer sticks. I've been off all anti-depressants for at least a year, but kind of decided to give it another try and actually I've tolerated it better than I did in the past, at least this first week.  Philicia has mucho excess Wellbutrin in her Treasure Chest if you'd like to have it it's yours, that way you can start back on it right away.  I think I have 4 months worth.

I'm in NYC until Thursday but I can send it to you when I return, just PM me.

I'm sorry to read this post anyway, as we've discussed this issue and I know all too well the feeling of crying over tampon commercials.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline newbernswiss

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2007, 07:34:18 PM »

Do like I do T, fight like hell :-* ;)

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Offline BirdBear718

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2007, 08:32:08 PM »
Call your doctor as soon as the office opens.  Tell them you need an appointment.  Of course they will say after 2008 begins.  Start crying on the phone and tell them you reallllly need to see someone to restart your medicine.  (Crying, while I don't like to do it, works when I need to bypass the operator answering the telephone. They somehow find a couple of minutes in the schedule.  Cry.  Do it.....)

I hope the best for you!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2007, 01:25:59 PM »
Tim, I strongly second Bird's suggestion. There's no good reason why you ought to wait three weeks or more before getting some relief.

Call your doc's office and ask to be seen now. Twist the truth any way you need to accomplish your goal. If you're told it's absolutely not possible then request a referral to someone or some healthcare site than can help you NOW!

Keep us posted and hang in there, buddy. And when you feel like crying, just 'em flow.


Andy Velez

Offline heartforyou

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2007, 02:49:03 PM »
I'm going up and down several times per hour now
Timmy, I am sad to hear you are going through this.
I have just been diagnosed with " narcissistic neurosis with severe moodswings".
My doctors had been trying to find out if i was bipolar. now i know i am not.

My disorder means that i need approval from everyone to feel worth living.
i have been rollercoasting from wanting to die ( which i still do every day, several times, since about 5 month, to energetically working 15 hour days with the biggest of smiles on my face.

My disorder, just like yours, makes it impossible for me to really feel joy. i can have fun and laugh, but a second later I feel like i want to be dead.

I am sort of disclosing my disorder to you here.
But your cry made me do it.
I can so well relate to you.

You are such a sweetie and I guess everybody thinks :" why would he be sad"? Well, i can be so sad that my feet sort of sink into the floor I am standing on and I instantly disconnect form the world next to me and  pull back into my shell.

It has been excruciatingly hard on me and I have considered euthanasia  which is possible here in Belgium) I have turned in my request, just to make sure...It is not an easy process. Takes three ok's from different doctors.

But as you said so well
I'm afraid it's beginning to become a rather significant resurgence. 
. So is mine.
It is not depression, it is an ever present feeling of being utterly sad, so sad that you can actually feel your heart hurting.

My therapist has made me go back to my grief and gosh, it is like an avalanche... I started to loose people at the tender age of 13, when I lost my best friend and another  close friend to 2 different accidents. It all climaxed with the 150 hiv infected colleagues I saw die or kill themselves . And the my lover died of  a heartattack at age 32 and then my best friend committed suicide last year.

How much grief can one person carry????

Be strong my sweet boy. All this to let you know you are not alone.

 :'( :'(
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Kivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily.

Switching to Viramune, Isentress and Emtriva

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline BT65

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2007, 06:56:05 PM »
Oh, Tim-Tim, please don't wait another week to get help.  I am now wondering how you are doing and concerned.  I know from your other posts in other threads you seem to be doing o.k., but we can all put on good faces, can't we.  Anyway, please, please take care of yourself. I know the manic ride and it's not one I care to be on again-ever.  Luv you baby-
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline northernguy

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Re: Oh, dear.
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2008, 07:02:18 PM »
This article was in the local paper today, it maybe of some interest.   This is from our "serious" city paper, not a tabloid.  I'm not endorsing it or anything, just posting the link:
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41


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