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Author Topic: OK I am here  (Read 5064 times)

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Offline seekay70

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OK I am here
« on: October 28, 2007, 12:49:28 AM »
Ok, so I was encouraged to come on this part of the forums, and here I be.  Let me first introduce myself.  I am Sherry, a 36 year old HIV+ woman and mother of 3 rowdy boys.  As I posted in another area, I found out I was pos on my 8th wedding anniversary....would have been 3 years ago.  My husband at the time had found out approximately 3 weeks earlier of his diagnosis, mainly due to the fact that he had dropped his weight so drastically.  It was a chore to get the dr to do the test on him because he "didn't fit the criteria"  (didnt know thre was such a thing myself) of a ...truck driver...IV drug user....prostitute...or homosexual.  But anywho, I had been tested each time I was pregnant and came back negative.  Once husband was diagnosed, it was as if a demon took over his peson, he became increasingly aggitated, said terrible things such as.."i can't stand to touch you....it makes me sick to sleep with you etc., as if I were the one that gave him the disease.  According to what we were told at the time, he was infected probably 15 years ago, being as though his t-cell was at 2 at the time of diagnosis.  Well it seems as though our marriage really started to fall apart at this time.  He once again started to use crack cocaine, (he was on it before and quit) He went out one night and called me from the sherriffs department, he had done been picked up for posession.  One thing had led to another...the lies, etc and it got to the point where in order for me to protect my kids I had to go.  It was as though he was doing everyhing he could to make me, his kids and his family hate him.  So I guess you can say that when he got the news of his diagnosis, it seems like to him it was his death sentence.  Anyway, I took my kids and left moved to another state.  He called me every day, crying...."I'll change, I'll go into counseling, whatever I have to do to have my family back."  Soooooo back I go.  Things just seem to go from bad to worse, he started to use his drugs more frequently, no counseling, verbal abuse, emotional abuse etc.  I mean do what you want to me but not my kids.  In the last 2 months it seemed as though things were disappearing from my house and he would be cracked out when I came home from work, while he had the kids no less.  It got to the point where I have done had enough and again its time for me to go.  I asked for the counseling etc, but to no avail.  My kids were starting to suffer.  Again I hear.."I will go into rehab...etc,etc"  So I called my foster parents, who have been there for me through thick and thin.  The brakes on my van had gone out so I had no transportation so to speak, had my kids put their shoes on so we could walk the 5 blocks to the grocery store to get some stuff for supper, when my husband wigged out and came after us with a baseball bat.  I of course call the police who when they get there say...."what can we do at this time to solve this argument".....DUH!!!!!!!!!!!.. Anyway at that time I called my "mom" who bought plane tickes for me and my 3 boys  to fly home.  I told him I was taking the kids and leaving and we would see what happened when he got himself some help.  Now I am going through a divorce....my kids seem to be happier...doing better in school and are more relaxed.  So here I am single and looking for friends , because I dont think I need a relationship as of right now.  I am just chillin and takin it day by day.  As for this disease, I will not let it beat me , I have 3 boys that I want to see get married and give me grandkids, and that better not happen for at least another 10 years or so since my oldest is only 11.

That is my story, for the most part, some details left out but I really didn't want to make this a 3 hour read....lol


Offline BT65

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2007, 08:50:32 AM »
Hey Sherry, I am so glad you joined us here in the women's forum.  Yours is a story that holds some familiarity for me.  My first husband was a chronic alcoholic, who constantly told me he'd "quit drinking."  He was physically abusive as well as emotionally.  Well, he died when I was in treatment (for drugs/booze) in 1989, three days after I tested positive.  I knew he had gotten into IV drugs during a short stay in Florida (he took off for Florida in a panic after beating me severely), but I never even thought about HIV, because at that time it was just coming out on the radio in this part of the country and the symptoms that they broadcasted on the radio at that time were really not things I was worried about.  Fast forward.......

I met a man in Narcotics Anonymous in 1990, and we married in 1991.  Things were great for awhile.  He knew about me having HIV and was totally o.k. with it.  Then in 1993 I got the wasting syndrome and had to go on disability.  He was sort of the competitive type, so he was bound and determined he was going to apply for disability.  Anyway, he went to college, and eventually started using drugs again.  He was mainly an IV drug user, but smoked crack occasionally.  He relapsed numerous times, each time promising "it's the last time."  Finally, the last straw came.  He took my ATM card when I was sleeping one time, found my PIN number and wiped out my entire bank account.  And, in the meantime, he ripped off my neighbor and defrauded the university he was attending.  So that was that for me.   

I believe if someone wants to change, they will whether you're around or not.  I know it's harder when you have children with the person, but, I'm begging you, please don't go back to your husband based on a whim of "I promise I'll change."  You already see that your children are more relaxed.  I would be also if I was away from a crack-smoking father who was abusing my mother.  You've got to think of your children as well as your own sanity.  My daughter suffered some emotional damage from her father's escapades (my first husband) as well as from all the things my second husband did. 

Are you in therapy, or any support group?  That can help tremendously.  Also your children might benefit from some therapy.  If for no other reason, it might gain you some self-confidence back, as well as keep you from repeating another mistake (relationship wise) by preventing you from picking someone who's unavailable for whatever reason.  I stronly encourage you to do so.  We're always here for you also.  The women on here are fantastic.  So are the guys, don't get me wrong, but I do like to check in with the women specifically every day to gain support and see what's happening with the other women.  We understand each other so much and everyone on here is a great support. 

Just know that whatever changes you had to make, and will have to make in the future, are for the best.  You're worth it, and so are your kids.  You need to concentrate on finding a good doctor and keeping your health up.  That, to me, would be my first concern, because if you're not in good health, then your personal life will suffer tremendously.  I'm not sure what your situation is now, but it's got to be better than what you were living in. 

Please check back here frequently, as we really like to know what's going on with all our "sister family."  I've certainly rambled long enough, but I just want you to know you're not alone, ever.  Take care and I hope to hear more from you-
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline seekay70

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2007, 09:53:01 AM »
well thank you for the warm welcome.  Last time I had left, I let him get into my head and every time he boo-hho'd so did I , I felt sorry for  him, this time and after all of the BS I went through in the last year, Iguess you can say my heart get pretty hard.  I have'nt let him get into my head and have no intentions on doing so.  He has said that he is planning on filing for a divorce and that he will have the  kids in the summer while I have them in the school year, no ifs ands or buts.  That is fine, I do not want to deny my boys their father but my stipulation is that he be clean.  I want a weekly drug test done.  He is of course threatening me, when I was in Alabama, and on food stmps, I did not include his income in our household due to the fact that I never saw any of his money.  So he says that if I fight him on this course of action then he wil report me for welfare fraud, I will go to prison and we will both loose custody of the kids.    As far as counseling , as of right now none of us are, I am trying to get them into some type of routine and settled first.  I agree we need it and we will get it but I need to get all of my ducks in a row first.  I am back home and getting them involved in church, I live about 3 blocks from our county sheriff whom has known me for about 20 years, and has told me that if he comes here then he will go straight to jail, due to warrants he has here.  Hell he has no drivers license...warrants i several counties in several states, this one included.  I have a lot of support here both emotionally, and monitarily.  My foster parents whom I started to live with when I was a senior in high school are the ones that got me here the first time I came back, as well as this last time.  They are supporting us emotionally and financially until I can get on my feet,  they are even buying me a vehicle, so in all of that I am blessed.  But anyways that is my post for now, I need to get these boys ready for church , I am sure I will be back after a while.


PS where is everyone from

Offline Ann

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2007, 11:04:29 AM »
Hi Sherry,

I don't think they can prosecute you for welfare fraud without proving it first - meaning proving he was living with you. You need to get advice on this as you might be stressing out when you don't have to. A local Women's Shelter or your church may be sources of free information regarding this kind of situation.

Hang in there hun - and you're doing really well to stick to your guns to protect you and the kids. (((((Sherry)))))

I grew up in the Cleveland, OH area but I've also lived in NYC and Upstate NY. I've been living on an island in the Irish Sea for the past 16 years. :)

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline emeraldize

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2007, 11:18:56 AM »
Good Morning Seekay

I don't think there's anyone better equipped than Betty to respond to you empathetically. What both of you have been through is an incredible series of challenges. Betty is also an incredible example of sobreity and how to pursue student life as an adult.

Seekay, I hope you do as Ann suggests and find someone to help you and the kids.  Particularly for the kids, these sorts of high drama events " leave marks" on their emotional makeup that can be helped by good counseling.

I also agree with Ann on the fraud claims your husband is asserting. He's pressing your buttons--and based on your story, he is very good at it. Next time he says it try this. "Go ahead. I already talked to an attorney. You're the one who'll end up in more trouble. Count on it." That will probably back him down and start him thinking fearfully.

Pulling for you here. Very glad you've got a great set of foster parents on your side and the Sheriff, too!!! Now, that's a certified blessing.


Offline confusedme

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  • wishing away reality
Re: OK I am here
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2007, 02:01:29 PM »
Hi Sherry. I find a lot of familiar things in your story too. My ex husband is a crack addict. It took him going to prison for me to get away from him though. He was abusive also. Always swore he would change. He still hasn't. Even 9 years in prison and a doctorate of theology while he was there wasn't enough to turn him around. He was out for less than a year and his old ways sent him back. We have a daughter together so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't regret giving him the chance to be a changed man. I just wish for my daughter's sake it had worked out better.

I also wouldn't worry to much about his allegations. His word won't hold much in a court of law. People say a lot of things while going thru divorce to get back at each other and gain the upper hand.

BTW, I am from the south too, not far from Alabama.
08/13/07 - Diagnosis confirmed
08/30/07 - T-cells 400, VL 6,500 (Baseline)
11/30/07 - T-cells 428, VL 9,950

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2007, 02:36:07 PM »

I have been thru some of the things you have when it comes to the drugs. I have been in abusive relationships before too so I definitely know what you were dealing with. I'm glad you got away from him and is closing that chapter of your life. Like you said, another relationship is the last thing you need at the moment and you have your focus on the right thing---your kids but don't neglect yourself either and be proactive in regards to your health. You've already taken the first step by getting rid of the stress factor. And you seem to have goals in place.

As for the idle threat your husband made, I would beat him to the punch. And now that I am thinking about it, what can he do, you're in another state and he would have to prove that he was living with you at that time. But if it was me, I would trump him one, if you ever filed any police reports from the state you had left, I would try to get copies of them if possible. And one better, do you have sole custody of your kids? I would look into that in the state you are in now. Once again, police reports if any would help here. And if you could prove your case, he would prolly only get supervised visits and that would only take place after him being in some type of drug program. But a lot things depend on things are done in the state you are in. I wouldn't sweat it because that would involve him doing a lot of legwork instead of just talking on the phone to people which is the impression I get that he thinks he has to do. And not too many crackheads are going to go thru all that if they are trying to get high...

Keep us posted on how things are going with you and why don't you join us in the dating thread, it's not always about dating and at times we have all vented about something... ;)
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
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Offline seekay70

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2007, 03:03:59 PM »
GRRRRRRRRR what a morning I have had.  It started off ok, today is my birthday as well as my husbands, so of course when I get back in from getting my kids on the school bus, there was a message on my cell to call my husband.  So I did and he went from happy birthday to I want my family back, to you have igored me for the past 12 years, to I never wanted kids to our getting married was the ruination of our relationship.  What is it I want to do he asked......He is under the impression that I have torn our family apart.  I tried to explain to him that as far as he and I were concerned I did not believe there was any saving what was no longer there.  I still love him yes, but I can not deal with his self destructive ways.  Well he claimed he has talked to our old preacher who is willing to do the marriage counseling thing, because it takes two to make a marriage work.  He claims I am using our boys for blackmail because I know he does not have the money to have a court battle.  I tried to explain to him that the animosity and anger in our home was affecting th kids in a real bad way, or 11yr old had taken to cutting himself on the hand with a razorblade.  Our 7yr old was having to be fought every night when it came time to go to bed and then would be up and down all night long.  In the 2 weeks I have been here i have had to fight one night to get my middle son to sleep and that was the night that his dad called and was cussing me out on the phone and when I hung up on him, he called back threatening to drive up here and kick my ass.  I feel bad when he does the boo hoo thing because I know it is hard, but damn, how much more does he really think we as a family can go through, not just he and I but more importantly the boys.  ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ThenI go to Topeka to the clinic to get myself set up for meds and such snce I amcurrently out as of last nigh and i will bewednesday before I get to a dr and get that all set up, I sure hope it does not affect my counts or make me resistant cause I sure as hell do not need that.   The intake mgr said that since Ihave taken it as ordered and since I was undetectable then I should be ok for a few more days until I see the dr which is in another part of town.  When I go to leave there is a detour and I can not get back on the interstate, so I follow a road hoping that I find something familiar (since I have not driven in this city in at least 17 years) and have to stop off at a gas station and ask how the hell I get back on I-75 W to go home........Oh that is easy just go out here, get on topeka blvd....follow it to 24 towards manhattan get on 24 follow it until you see the wal mart and goodyear until you see 75 W, well of course there was no wal mart and I finally found my way back home.....  only to have to go back wednesday to see the dr and then agai on Monday to talk to the dude from the state health dept.  He was a cute thing and I may just have him come to my house since it is an 85 mile drive one way and 3 trips in a weeks time when the gas is 2.78 a gallon, hell spend some of his money.  So that was my day, how about all of yours......

I hope things will get better this evening since my mom told me that the boys had something planned for me for my birhday.  I just wonder if I need to go ahead and make supper of if that is part of the plan.................hmmmmmmm, guess I could call her or ask dad when he gets home.

Anyways ya'll have a great day
Talk to ya laterzzzzz

Wher is the dating thread

Offline BT65

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Re: OK I am here
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2007, 08:32:44 PM »
Sherry, the dating thread is part of this women's forum.  Cin is good at providing links to the ones you've missed if you'd care to read them.  Usually one of us starts a new dating thread when it gets to 2 pages.  Not everyone on there is involved in a relationship.  I'm not, but it's a place to get together regularly with the girls.

Sounds like you had a really rough day.  I hope the rest of the week goes better for you.  And I would certainly have that guy come to me, instead of traveling all that way.  Gas here was at $2.99 today.  It just seems to be getting higher.  Anyway, before I forget

I hope you have many, many more.  Please don't worry about the meds.  You'll be alright.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf



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