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Author Topic: feeling helpless  (Read 5252 times)

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Offline snoofle

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  • Posts: 54
feeling helpless
« on: October 08, 2007, 12:57:40 AM »
today was probably the first time that my boyfriend really cried about his parents..they both died from AIDs but it was always hard for me to even get him to mention anything..probably bc its such a different circumstance..its not like his parents died in an accident or something. anyways, i dont know what triggered it, but out of nowhere he started crying and kept telling me i would never understand what it feels like to be HIV positive and have no parents either. today was the first time ive ever felt this useless... :-[

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2007, 01:06:53 AM »

Grief is a terrible but varied thing. I'm a poz bod, but I wouldn't venture to try and understand the ghastly personal depths of your boyfriend's suffering here. And nor should you. He's right when he says you can't understand what it's like to be HIV positive and I can appreciate how powerless that makes you feel.

But you know, you do understand what it's like to be directly affected by this horrid virus. You are not useless. There is much you can do to help your sweetie through this arduous time. It requires patiences, strength and a strong will, all of which I suspect you possess.


Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 799
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2007, 01:47:50 AM »
He is right saying you can't undestand him... nor can i, his pain must be huge. Though sometimes we don't need to understand to be able to help... what we need is to be able to give love, support and time when others need it. Love can help to cure any wound.

Hugs to you. Stay with him.. and don't worry if you don't understand him... just keep on loving him, he will certainly appreciate that and he will definitely feel you closer.

Hugs, be strong my friend.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline structuredjen

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  • Posts: 71
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2007, 01:28:35 PM »
He is right saying you can't undestand him... nor can i, his pain must be huge. Though sometimes we don't need to understand to be able to help... what we need is to be able to give love, support and time when others need it. Love can help to cure any wound.

Hugs to you. Stay with him.. and don't worry if you don't understand him... just keep on loving him, he will certainly appreciate that and he will definitely feel you closer.

Juan Carlos is so right.  The hardest part for me has been accepting the fact that I can't understand, I can't "fix" it, and that all I can do is love my bf.  It's not easy at all.  But as the control-freak in me begins to accept this, our bond and my understanding is interestingly deeper and I'm starting not to feel so useless anymore.  I still feel like I'm just not doing enough, not being supportive enough.  But I think you'd be surprised to see just how much some plain old support really means to him.  I know I am.  :)

Hang in there-
Best wishes to you and your boyfriend,


« Last Edit: October 08, 2007, 01:30:10 PM by structuredjen »

Offline water duck

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  • Posts: 404
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2007, 01:46:22 PM »
when you have someone telliing you ...........
............you will never understand.................
you feel inadequate, stupid, useless , etc  it is only normal  ;)

MtD had said it beautifully, there is nothing much to add , except that i like to bring your attention to the fact that he must have trusted you in order to permit himself to cry out to you !!
Maybe letting him grief, with you looking on,  could help both of you to know and value life; and also the love that is building.

SITTING there and doing nothing, you are doing something, you are doing nothing !! and if you read MtD's post he said YOU HAVE IT, i am echoing his wise words. WELL that is the hard part
.................DOING NOTHING.........................

Offline Falkore

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  • Posts: 70
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2007, 01:18:00 AM »

While it is true that you can not understand what your boyfriend is dealing with, very few of us can, you can be there for him as he deals with this pain.  The best thing that you can tell him is that he does not have to be strong with you.  I had a dear friend of mine who was the oldest in a family of 3. His mother was dealing with a life threatening issue and he was always having to be strong for his younger sisters.  I truly could not understand what he was dealing with, but I simply told him that he didn't have to be strong with me... and I then just held him as he cried.  I feel like it was the only thing I could do for him.  I hope it was enough.

Just let him know that you are there for him, you will support him, you will give him a shoulder to cry on at any time.  It sounds like you are already doing that... your boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life.

Keep strong, things will get better for both of you.

"Ain't no shame in my flame"
Date:          CD4:     VL:
10/02/05     568       2,070
11/18/05     541       2,970
02/17/06     442       4,720
04/17/06     510       1,100
07/12/06     391       3,050
Start Atripla
09/22/06     595       Undet.
01/18/07     562       Undet.
05/25/07     540       Undet.
09/26/07     531       Undet.

Offline BirdBear718

  • Member
  • Posts: 105
Re: feeling helpless
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2007, 11:55:39 PM »
You need to remember you are not worthless -- you gave him compassion when he needed it. 
That is what he needs -- that is what you can offer.
Continue to listen when he cries....and cry with him.
Continue to hug him when he needs a hug.
Be yourself - he obviously likes you for you.
Being yourself and not judgmental is the best gift you can give him.  That is worth more than you know.


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