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Author Topic: I don't know what to feel  (Read 9657 times)

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Offline newpoz

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  • Posts: 4
I don't know what to feel
« on: September 25, 2007, 09:47:43 PM »
Hi everyone...
I am so very new to all this.
I just got to know that my husband is +ve last week.
He did a blood test to check for any heart conditions (his dad had a heart condition) just to find out that his heart is good but his blood is not.
Fortunately he told me right away.
Obviously I would be very suspicious of the way how he could've contracted it. He never shared any needles for drugs and all. So it could only be for one reason.
And yes, he confessed, it was a casual sex, but back in the days before we got married (that's like 8-9 yrs ago, we've been married for almost 8 yrs).
I was both relief and sad at the same time.
Relief because it happened out of marriage but sad because it would then mean that my two sons and of course me would've been infected as well by now.
So he asked me to do a test for myself. I did but is still waiting for the results (should be coming in today or tmrw).
But then I found something while doing some readings on this whole HIV issue that when someone donates blood the blood would be screened for HIV among other diseases. And the donor would definitely be contacted if tested positive.
My husband was a regular donor. But he has never been contacted by the hospitals to tell him that he was HIV +ve.
So again, I was suspicious. So I asked him when was the last time he donated blood and also mentioned to him about my findings. He tried to remember and it was early or mid last year was his last donation. So I said, it couldn't be right coz he would've been contacted by the hospitals already.
Then only he made his second confession that he had slept with someone else when he was away on a business trip around mid last year. And it was also casual.
And that was the real bomb falling on me.
I just couldn't face the fact that he couldn't come clean to me. I had to dig it myself.
It did occur to me that this is somekind of a blessing in disguise because now I know that he had cheated on me and maybe if he is not infected by this virus, then he would go on doing things he shouldn't have done as a husband and as a father.
The first few days I was really upset. I couldn't look him in the eye. I kept thinking how he could be so selfish and stupid at the same time for not using a condom (it happened at a highly risky place).
Then we went to the hospital because he needs to get his CD4 and viral counts. We were also introduced to a councelor.  She managed to make me loosen up a bit. We got some good advice and were then introduced to a support group. They told us not to worry so much that this is just like any other disease/illness. They even said that it's worse to get cancer or diabetes because of the treatments and diets and all.
But how could they say that?
But what about my broken heart? How do you mend this heart, on top of knowing that your husband is now +ve and that you would also get infected, to know that your husband has cheated on you.
it's like a double blow to me. maybe tripple.
but like i said just now that this is like a blessing in disguise, because now my husband is starting to be a better person. He controls his mood better (he was always stressed out with work), he is praying more and better now, and he spends more time at home now. These are all the things that I've been praying to God for.
God gives what I want and more....
That's why i don't know what to feel now....
I like him being a good person like this but i can't face the fact that he had slept with someone else, and got himself infected, which may get me infected as well.
And just so you all know that we have just started to try to get another baby these past weeks.
I don't know if i'm already pregnant by now....my gynae's appt is next week.
I'm so crushed but at the same time is grateful with what God has given me....
I just hope someone could advice me on how do i deal with my broken heart....

Offline structuredjen

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  • Posts: 71
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2007, 10:17:57 AM »

I'm so sorry that you've had to join us here, but happy that you found us.  This place has been a lifesaver for me, and I hope it can for you too.  The biggest thing I've realized here is that I'm not alone.  There are so many other people out there in my very same position, and that alone gives me comfort.  People who understand and truly care and want nothing more than to help.

It's not easy.  But it does get easier.  We've only known for a month and a half that my bf is positive, and I can honestly say, it's already starting to get easier.

My suggestion to you, and this is the hardest part, and something I still struggle with daily - be okay with not having all the answers right now.   The minute we found out, I had so many "issues" arise and I felt I needed to tackle them all immediately.  I felt incredibly overwhelmed and stuck in an impossible situation.  Take it one day at a time.  Tackle things one at a time.  Force yourself to do something you used to do at least once a day, whether that be watch a movie, shopping, a pedicure.  Something to take your mind off of "it" even if for just an hour.  Your brain needs to rest too :)  It helps with the rational thinking part.

Counseling would also be a great idea.   Counseling for the two of you, as well as even just for you.  Finding someone to talk through your feelings with can be really beneficial. 

Wishing the best for you, your husband, and your family,


Offline Lostgirl

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  • Posts: 58
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2007, 08:50:41 PM »
I'm sorry that you had to find this forum because of the situation you now find yourself in, but glad that you have found a safe haven to be able to let others into your life and share your struggle.  You will find everyone here able to help you in many, many ways.  There are many women here, myself included, that know what you are going through, not only dealing with the shock of the news of your husband's HIV diagnosis, but also his infidelity. 

I hope your news is favourable and you find yourself negative, but rest assured, if the news is not what you, and we, hope it to be, you will find many people to support you, your husband, your marriage and your family.  It will take time to heal the wounds but you sound strong and, as many women do, we find the strength from somewhere to keep going and eventually smile and laugh again.

Take life one day at a time, whatever the result.  Take help where it is offered but enjoy each day as the person you are. 

Wishing you the best.

Offline newpoz

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  • Posts: 4
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2007, 09:29:58 PM »
Jen and LG,

Thank you so much for your words and wishes....
It did make me feel a bit better and that I'm not alone....

I have been in a roller coaster emotionally for this past days.
Sometimes i'd be OK, but when I got too OK something would remind me of what has happened, then I get upset again...
It's worse when my mind is trying to 'picture' his infidelity...it just breaks my heart and always i had to stop myself from thinking.
I really want to be able to talk to my mother and tell her everything. I know she'd be a good support for my emo. But I just can't bring myself to tell her the truth. I'm afraid she'd be judgemental twds my husband...
All i ever told her was that my marriage is in trouble now and that i'm facing a terribly hard time. She suspected infidelity. I told her i couldn't tell her yet.

The result for my blood test hasn't come in yet...
Only God knows how stressed and messed up i am right now.

Offline SecretKeeper

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Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2007, 12:09:57 AM »
newpoz - I agree completely with everything that Jen and Lostgirl said.  ;)

It is a huge roller coaster ride of emotions, thoughts, worries, etc. but the good thing is you have found this site and people who can relate to your story.  We have been in those shoes.  Some have had years to put these emotions behind them, others of us are still fairly new to dealing with this and all the questions that arise.  Everyone here has something to share though.  I have found a sense of reassurance here that even with HIV in my life everything can still be "okay".  I'm starting to look at it as another road bump in life (just a really huge one that maybe blows a tire and sends you spinning out of control, but still a bump).  And just know that it is okay to go through the emotions ... all of them.  Continue to have faith in what you believe in and trust in yourself and your own judgement too.  It's amazing the strength that can be found in yourself in such troubled times.  Keep us updated on how your results pan out.
I wish you and all of your family the best.

Offline structuredjen

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  • Posts: 71
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2007, 11:37:39 AM »

That rollercoaster will begin to level out. That first week I was down, there was no coming up whatsoever.  No smiling, no laughing, just that feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole and come out when it was all over. The next week, I actually had moments where I felt better. I'd get excited, and then WHAM! I'd remember and suddenly be back in tears feeling the same way I did the day we found out.  I was convinced it was never going to get better.

"It takes time to adjust" I was told.  I didn't believe it. I just knew I was going to feel that bad forever.  I'm happy to say I was wrong.  As you learn about HIV and what is means today (not at all what it meant 15 years ago) and begin to accept and deal with your feelings and emotions, your "roller-coaster" will become smoother.  I'm not saying I don't have my moments, but those WHAM! moments are fewer and far between now - and not half as bad as they were.  It really does get better. I promise.  :)

Hang in there!


Offline Lostgirl

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  • Posts: 58
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2007, 01:58:19 PM »
I'm so glad you found some comfort from us here.  You will go through such a vast amount of emotions over the next few days and weeks but take it from us, that it does get easier.  You will have down days, but they will get fewer and fewer.  I still have moments when I 'remember' that I am HIV+ and my husbands infidelity, but that moment of panic disappears quicker and quicker each time and it has only been just over a month since this all came out.  The continual bad news just hits you bam, bam, bam, doesn't it?  Such a vast amount of emotion that it is understandable that it takes time for it all to sink in, one thing and a time, and therefore you have to deal with it one thing at a time.  Don't try and absorb everything at once, just deal with it slowly.

It sounds as tho you want to very much confide in your mum.  I know when I first heard all the news I wanted to confide in friends and family.  Thankfully they all live thousands of miles away and its not the sort of news you can give in e-mail or on the phone!  I say thankfully, because now I have had time to think things over I realise that I prefer to deal with it, for the moment, privately.  I did tell only one friend as she is in the Health Care business and has been a great support to me but I only told her a few days ago.  So take you time in confiding and feel confident that you have done the right thing.  I am sure your mum would be a wonderful support to you, but you need to get your head clear first.  I found the worst thing was people, health care etc, wanting to take control.  It was okay for the first few days as I was so lost, but now I want to be in control.  Its the only way to go!  Take control of the situation don't let it take control of you!

Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Kindest regards

Offline water duck

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  • Posts: 404
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2007, 12:52:49 PM »
..............be still like the hill and trees....................
you can then begins to think ;

...........thinking will bring peace...................
within this peace, you can then GROW

This i wish you from the bottom of my heart.


PS: When you have information to share, it is putting responsibilities on the person you give out this info !! NOW the question: is this person able to "bear" this responsibility, it can be counter-productive.

Offline redhotmuslbear

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  • A genuine certified freak of nature, and a hot one
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2007, 01:02:46 PM »

We're not raised to deal with what you're dealing with right now, so be patient with yourself.  Anger and suffering come from expectations of another person that go unmet, and [not justify your husband's conduct] people act out sexually for a variety of reasons, so try to not get caught in a blame game--it won't help you deal any better right now.

Under the circumstances, are you able to access any HIV support services near to you?  I think that you would find a lot more in common than you might suspect with some Gay men and IV drug users in such groups, as betrayal of trust is a frequent theme in infections.  How about any GLBT-affirming religious groups (e.g. Metropolitan Community Church, Dignity (Catholic), Unitarian-Universalists...)?  Though it seems you're quite heterosexual, these faith communities have been involved in spiritual care for people with HIV since the beginning.

"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do." - BF Skinner
12-31-09   222wks VL  2430 CD4 690 (37%)
09-30-09   208wks VL  2050  CD4 925 (42%)
06-25-08   143wks VL  1359  CD4 668 (32%)  CD8 885
02-11-08   123wks off meds:  VL 1364 CD4 892(40%/0.99 ratio)
10-19-07   112wks off meds:   VL 292  CD4 857(37%/0.85 ratio)

One copy of delta-32 for f*****d up CCR5 receptors, and an HLA B44+ allele for "CD8-mediated immunity"... beteer than winning Powerball, almost!

Offline newpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2007, 11:50:25 PM »
Dear all...
My results came back. I'm NEGATIVE.
Although it's too early to be happy about it as I might be in a window period and still needed to do a couple of more tests to really confirm that result.
We are also taking the kids to be tested just to make sure of evrything.
But deep down, I'm a little relief and really grateful for the news.
It did help a lot for my emotions.

We (hubby n I) went to our local support group last saturday. We met some nice people there.
Had some good talk, together and separately.
At one point, my husband broke down during the chat. I guess it was because of guilt. I couldn't stay to look.
I felt sad for him but at the same time I was also mad at him. I needed to see that guilty feeling from him but when I see it I felt like punching him for being so stupid for doing what he had done. But I know I can't do that. So that's why I went outside.
I talked to other people. I tried to find out if there are any couples with similar situation that I could go and talk to. They gave me one number. I guess i might ring her up to see how she had handled it.

At this moment of time I just need to sort out my own feelings.
Like i've mentioned to my husband, with all these BIG news, his betrayal, my trust going down the drain and these mix feelings of sad, angry, scared, lonely, etc....how can i be possibly able to look at this 'thing' positively? how can i be his source of staying positive? and how can i help him to lead a positive life?

Once i'm clear in the head then only, i think, i can start to help him.

Like you said David, I might try to find some religious persons for advice.
And at time like this, only God knows and understand exactly how i feel. and He is also the only One knows the reason why i hve to go through this.
I seek solace in God...

Thank you all for your support.

Offline structuredjen

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  • Posts: 71
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2007, 08:09:42 AM »
Congratulations on your negative result!!   :)

Offline xyahka

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  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2007, 09:33:22 AM »
At this moment of time I just need to sort out my own feelings.
Like i've mentioned to my husband, with all these BIG news, his betrayal, my trust going down the drain and these mix feelings of sad, angry, scared, lonely, etc....how can i be possibly able to look at this 'thing' positively? how can i be his source of staying positive? and how can i help him to lead a positive life?

Once i'm clear in the head then only, i think, i can start to help him.

Like you said David, I might try to find some religious persons for advice.
And at time like this, only God knows and understand exactly how i feel. and He is also the only One knows the reason why i hve to go through this.
I seek solace in God...

Hi new, so glad your tests came back negative. I am sorry you have to go through all this. You said that once you are clear in your mind, you think you can start to help him... i would also add that cleaning our hearts help too. Sometimes when we have strong feelings towards someone they make us react in ways we didn't notice but demonstrate our anger. I know it from personal experience. I know that pardon someone who lie to us is not easy to achieve... well pardon someone despite the situation is always easier say it than do it.

I personally think, we should let our strong feelings go out in constructive ways... not to become like a volcano later on and hurt others. To me it helps writing. While i was in a Christian group once they did an excercise that might be useful for you (i think it helps does not matter the religion/beliefs we follow). It is about writing a letter to the person you have strong feelings and express what you feel, like if you were talking to him... say it all, does not matter how many pages it takes. Then talk to the God/Goddess you believe in and ask him to take care of cleaning what you wrote and to let you forgive him... then burn the letters til they become ashes.

It might sound silly, but i have tried before and it helped me... Also, someone in the forums said before that another good way to pardon or clean our heart towards someone is to pray for him/her, i think you are doing that now... keep it going. It helps.

Don't try to solve all this immediatly, it will take some time for the wounds to heal. Don't feel guilty for feeling anger... it is normal. Though anger is a feeling none should keep inside at any time of his/her life.

The moment of the HIV diagnosis is a big change... and we all take time to adapt but the fact you are doing an effort to deal with this in an optimistic way... makes a big big difference. Count with us. Hugs.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2007, 10:31:53 AM »
Dear New,

Like the others I am very happy that you've tested negative. Whew!

As for everything else in terms of the feelings you're experiencing, your confusion and mix of feelings is very understandable. I urge you to not try to "solve" things in a hurry and to not take any precipitous actions at this point. Rather, get some professional help. You might consider contacting any AIDS service organization(s) in your area to see what they offer in the way of counseling and information.

Just as a general bit of comment I can say to you that many, many couples who are sero-discordant are having good lives together in every way. Precautions do have to be taken consistently to protect the negative partner's status -- specifically always using a condom for intercourse.

Right now you may not be thinking about having sex with your husband in the midst of all the feelings you're both experiencing. But that may change so I thought I would inject that piece of information into the conversation.

You're welcome to talk here, to discuss whatever's on your mind and to ask any questions.

Again, I'm very happy for your negative test result.

Andy Velez

Offline freakedout

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  • Posts: 3
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2007, 01:56:28 AM »
First and formost let me say how glad I am that you are negative. I just found out about a week ago that I'm HIV positive and the same day I found out, I told my wife and she got tested today I found out that she is also negative. I was so happy for her. I just broke down and started thanking the Lord. I'm a Christian, but before I got saved I was living a very high risk life style. I met my wife and I told her about my past and she still agreeded to marry me. I have never cheated since we married. I promise I'm praying for you and your family. Hang in there and talk to the Lord about all that your feeling. I'm still dealing with the emotional highs and lows of being in this position But God is in control

Offline BirdBear718

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Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2007, 11:08:07 PM »
Happy news for you.  Hold onto that gift when the times are tough.
Continue to go to the counselors - both together and separately -- even when you do not feel like going:  go.  They are professionals and can help you and your family.

Continue to use these boards to help you.  As you have read from the posts, the people here want to support you and help you.  They will give you valuable advice and assistance.

Offline newpoz

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  • Posts: 4
Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2007, 02:50:00 AM »
Yesterday I was really overcame by emotion.
After a few weeks of being OK, yesterday I cried again. Hard.
Everything just keep coming back to me and I was overwhelmed by it all.

My relationship with husband has become drier and drier. We have never had sex ever since the day we knew of his condition. Once he tried to show signs like he wanted me, but I didn't respond. Since then, he never tried again.

Am i a bad wife now?

How can we go back to being like a normal husband and wife when I'm always reminded of his infidelity?

I don't know how many wives would stay this long in the marriage after knowing that their husbands have cheated on them and contracted HIV along the way? Please tell me if there is any case at all.

I am quite messed up right now. I'd say that our marriage is on the rock now.
I am so confused.

Offline structuredjen

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Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2007, 03:27:21 PM »
Hi poz,

Sorry to hear things are so difficult right now - but please know that it is completely normal and expected.  You are NOT a bad wife.  You have every reason and right to feel everything you are feeling right now.  Don't beat yourself up over your reaction, as that's just one more thing working against you and weighing on your emotions.

I did not have to deal with infidelity in my situation, and therefore my advise on that topic is limited.  Ultimately it is your decision whether to forgive and move on or not, but just remember - we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we've all done things we wish we hadn't done.

Let me ask you a question, which might be hard for you to even answer right now.  Do you want to make it work?  What does your gut tell you? 

Even without fidelity issues, the news of my bf's diagnosis was crippling for me.  It's a lot to deal with, and I would be concerned if it didn't stop someone and make them evaluate their life.  Initially,I felt it was time for fight or flight, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do either.  I loved him dearly, but was so scared to even think about what our life might be like now that HIV was a permanent part of it.  The best advise I received was - hang on.

You don't have to make a decision right now, and honestly, it's probably best not to.  You have way too many things to digest before even being able to make a major decision like this right now.  Be okay with living in uncertainty until your sure of what you want to do.  That was hard for me, I felt I needed to just make a decision so I could move, in any direction, just move somewhere other than where I was.  I'm really glad I didn't.

I chose to hang on with uncertainty.  And since then, I've come to terms with HIV, and have made my decision.  I'm staying.  That's my choice.  If you decide to leave, it doesn't make you a bad person.   Do not let the reason you stay be that you didn't want to feel like a bad person.  That's a really bad reason to stay.  But if you do stay, make the commitment.  Commit to accept HIV.  Commit to forgive your husband.  No different than you deserve to be happy, so does your husband - regardless of his mishaps.

As for sex.  Infedility aside, sex can be a difficult aspect to tackle after diagnosis.  Now that your husband is poz and you are neg, a whole new slew of issues arise for something that used to be second nature.  It takes time to get past the worry of infecting the neg partner.  It takes time to have sex without HIV crossing your mind at some point during it.  But, my same advise holds true here.  Give it time.  I'm happy to report my sex life is quickly returning to normal.  :)

Things really will become more manageable, or at the least more clear for you as time unfolds. 

Hang in there newpoz - it isn't easy.  You're doing an amazing job as proved in your posts.  Be easy on yourself - you're going through so much right now, your allowed to feel every one of the emotions you are feeling. 


Offline BirdBear718

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Re: I don't know what to feel
« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2007, 07:34:53 PM »
Not having sex does not mean you are a bad wife.
He may not be ready.  He may not think you are ready.  You both need to communicate with each other.
Let him know how you feel.

I've been having anger issues.  Someone told me to journal about it.  After I laughed it off in my head, I thought, well, what do I have to loose.  So I am going to try that tonight.
Just throwing that out there in case you want to try it too.

Also just a thought.... continue with the counseling and support groups.  They are important.

I am sending good thoughts your way. 


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