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Author Topic: Why do I feel like this????  (Read 4711 times)

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Offline agent911blue

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Why do I feel like this????
« on: July 03, 2006, 10:53:10 PM »
i feel so unsure about everthing. since having hiv i have not really gone to a doctor steadly. i went a few times in ny and a few times here in miami. but for some reason i dont want to go. i feel so uneasy when i go that i cant wait to leave. I dont feel like getting treatment at all i feel like i should just wait untill i get sick before i do anything. but my brain tells then would probably be too late. Im married and me and my spouse have hiv and we both are not doing what we need to do. my life is just falling apart. am i crazy? i use toi be so out going so full of life but now i see myself being depressed all the times and not wanting to do anything. i work so much so i do not have to deal with anything else in life. im simply falling apart and i can not figure out how to put myself back together. i cant even begin to critize my wife for not going to the doctor when i will not even go. everytime i start i do ok. but then i forget appointments or i dont request the days off from work etc.. then i just say fuck it and i don not go back. I dont know where to start  i have told no one im affraid to even talk about it. i get nervous when i hear people talking about it. why can i just be normal and go to the doctor take meds if necessary and be ok? I think i have just simply given up.... i can no longer understand what went wrong with me. i do not know how to get bvack on track am i just waiting to get so sick that i can no longer be helped? do people who dont receive help live longer that those who do or vice versa?  I wish this never happened to me I would give anything to turn back time but i can not. this is lesson learned the hard way. i will for ever be paying the price for this with my life no matter how things turn out. i need to know how i can pick myself up again regain all my mental and physcial health back...I hate life..........i hate mylife.....

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2006, 10:58:08 PM »

You will probably get more appropriate responses with this thread in the Living With HIV forum rather than Off Topic. I'm sure one of the Moderators will move it there for you.



Offline Cliff

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Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2006, 07:47:40 AM »
You should probably see about getting professional help (counselor, therapist) to help you sort out your feelings.  Your reaction to your diagnosis is probably not that uncommon.  But you really can't afford to keep your head in the sand for too long.  You are putting your health at risk.

You recognize there is a problem and you are actively seeking help.  That's a good thing.  It's just a matter of finding the help that you need and making the necessary steps to coming to terms with your diagnosis.

take care and keep us posted on how things are going.  okay?


Offline angels4kelly

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  • Posts: 305
  • IT JUST IS!!.....OKAY!
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2006, 08:30:25 AM »
Hi I did the same thing at first.
I guess it was my way of trying to NOT accept the fact that I'm positive.
Things worked out for me even though I delayed any kind of medical treatment,
but things don't always work out okay for everyone!
Everyone is different.
Please seek the treatment that you need!

Kelly  ;D



Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.
Failure is not in falling down,
but the staying down

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Posts: 7,545
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2006, 08:40:08 AM »
Hello Agent 911,

Your situation sounds so very similar to my own past experiences. I received my positive diagnosis in 1985, from a county health dept here in Florida. After those results, I basically shut down. I went to work everyday, did the things I had to do everyday,functioned as best I could everyday, and tried hard as hell not to think of being HIV positive. If there was any mention of HIV on the news, or TV especially in the very early days, I would intentionally avoid reading it, or watching it. I guess this was my denial !

From the time I was diagnosed in 1985 ,the next time I saw a doctor again was late 1986.(about a year later) this was once again at the same county health department. I went to reconfirm my already known status. Once again, they handed me the paper, and once again I walked out of the clinic, and went about life as best I could... again...

I never saw a doctor again until 1999. Which was when I had a viral load and t-cell count done.Those results were still pretty good, And unfortunately, I shut down again, until 2003, When I became very ill, because I held off TOO LONG. I had this delusion, that because I was healthy for so long, that maybe, just maybe, I would never progress to full blown aids. Bad mistake. Denial is a terrible thing !

I can assure you, that you are not the only one that feels the way you do. Unfortunately many people hold off, either because they don't want to go to the doctor (their own fears) or they go into denial (which is what I did). By the time October of 2003 rolled around, I was one very, very sick pup ! And I don't want to go through that again. I certainly would not want you or anyone else to go through that.

I let good health, through many years of living with this virus, get the better of me. I thought, I would never get sick, but I saw it happenning to others around me, all to often. I tried looking the other way. But I found out, I couldn't do that either.

I am probably just rambling here, but your post brought back some very familiar memories.

You need to get yourself back on track. I am not quite sure how you are going to do that. I can only share with you my experiences, You will need to get your priorities back in order. You will need the support of others, because I can tell you, you can not do this alone. You don't need to stand on a mountain and scream it to the world, BUT, You need to let out those feelings and inner most thoughts. !!! A good place to start is here on the forums, and from here you can get directed to ASO's , in your area, that can get you the additional help and support that you need. Because, while the forums can be a great place for support, you will still need face to face contact. There is no way of avoiding this.
 If you don't get this support you will continue to build that wall around yourself, and you will suffocate in it.

Finally, I can tell you from my own past, you don't want to hold off on treatment, until you get sick. This is exactly what I did, and I regret it to this day ! I should have made the appointments, ( and there were times when I had cancelled them), I should have kept my heath monitored( but I didn't). For me, It was walking around half-dead, that finally woke me up. I  even managed to get my 26 year partner, into his own state of denial, as far as what was happenning to me. ( if that makes any sense.)

Don't allow yourself, to get to this point. I managed to pull through, you may not ! You want to stick around for awhile right ? You have dreams and goals...Right? Well. it's not to late. Sometimes we all need a swift kick in the ASS !! So, I am giving you a kick in the butt !!! Just remember, you are not in this alone, and there are many of us  that understand, exactly what your saying here.

Stay in Touch with us, and get yourself moving !!-----------Ray

Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 66 years young.

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 32,271
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2006, 09:16:54 AM »
Agent, you've taken a good step towards making your life better by reaching out here. Whether it's about HIV or anything else of importance in your life, isolating is not the answer.

As you can see by the some of the responses you've already received, the feelings you are having are ones that others have had too. And they need to be respected. You can do that by talking with others. You live in major cities where there are many resources which can lend you support through HIV/AIDS service organizations through both individual and group counseling.

What does your wife say about all of this? How is your relationship with her in general and specifically about HIV? By the way, if you don't want to answer these questions here, that's ok. I'm just trying to get a picture of what's happening.

This is not by any means an insurmountable situation. But it will require you to make some further effort, and you have made a good beginning by coming here. You're welcome to talk about it here and about yourself and what's going on in your life. That's the beginning of moving things into a better place. Even though you maybe discouraged and angry and scared, happily the lifeforce is strong within you or we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Andy Velez

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,517
  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2006, 09:51:16 AM »
Hey Agent,
When I found out I was positive, I went into such deep denial that I didn't even think about HIV or AIDS for seven years.
That was a really dumb thing for me to do. I was lucky I didn't become very ill.

As Cliff said, perhaps counseling will help you sort through this and begin to take control of your life again.

All I will add is that having HIV isn't the end of your life. It doesn't define your life. But it is a part of your life, and the life of your spouse.

Understand that waiting to get sick before doing something about it is like trying to buy travel insurance after the plane has crashed. You may be able to recover from an OI, but it is much easier and better for you and your spouse if you prevent it in the first place.

I am glad you found us and I hope you will continue to post here. This is a great place to find support, information and just let your hair down.


"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Trish

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2006, 10:02:03 AM »
Hi Agent,

I understand completely.  I was diagnosed in 1989, but because of my denial and fears I chose not to see a doctor until I got sick in 2000.  Was it the right choice?  I don't know for sure, but I guess in my case it was because I am doing well right now.  I am not suggesting that you do the same...what I am suggesting is that you get to the doctor and at least have them check your CD4's and VL.  I think it's important that you keep track of those numbers even if you are not going to go on meds for the moment.  BTW, do you know what your numbers are now?  Are you on meds now?  I can understand your fears Agent, however, if I were you I would go to the doctor if only to know where you stand as far as your blood counts are concerned.

Back in the 80's the only options for meds was AZT and I swore it off because my husband was on it and it didn't help very much after a while and he died anyway... but today things are different.  There are more choices now and the meds are battling HIV better than ever which gives us a chance to live a long, productive life if we so choose.  The choice is yours and yours alone.  You can either choose to live, or you can choose to die.  It's as simple as that.  I will not tell you that you need to take meds to keep you alive right now (especially since you haven't posted your numbers - perhaps you don't know them), and I will not tell you to avoid them, but the meds do work aside from side effects (but everyone is different in that regard) and they will help you stay alive for a very, very long time.  There are some people here who have been on meds for 10, 15, 20 years or more and are making the best of their situation.

I'd like to suggest that you seek out therapy or a support group if there are any in your area...try your local ASO, get a case manager -- they can help you.  This is something that I never did until this year.  And even after 17 years, I see a therapist from time to time because it really does help.  Although I wanted to share my feelings and fears with my family and close friends, I chose not to because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me and also I was in a BIG denial.  I basically lived my life as though nothing was wrong, well, at least I tried to do so.  I began drinking alcohol heavily and doing drugs to help ease my pain, but every morning I awoke HIV was still there and all my fears were right there with me.  It came time to wake up and come to terms with my diagnosis.  I wish it would have happened sooner, but I am stubborn and waited too long.  It's only recently that I have somewhat come to terms with HIV, I'm still working on it and I suspect I always will be.  But, I won't allow HIV to keep me back from attaining my goals anymore.  It's not worth it.  I've found that talking about HIV and all my fears has lifted me to higher place, somewhere that I am comfortable and able to deal with my life with HIV.  I was kidding myself when I believed I could handle HIV on my own -- that was a facade.  Dealing with it head on is by far the best thing to do.

I think you and your wife both need to do this for yourselves, as well as each other.  You need to be there for each other, be supportive in a postive way and the only way to do that is to accept your diagnosis and be responsible with your health and mental states.  Don't allow HIV to control you, because you can beat it down if you give yourselves that chance.  A defeatist attitude and denial will not get you anywhere but in a grave, that's for sure when it comes to HIV.  We all need to fight and fight hard, and I hope that you and your wife can muster up the courage to battle HIV and keep it at bay. 

You have made a first step by coming here and posting about your concerns, fears, etc.  Don't stop there, continue on this path.  Talking about HIV, even if it is on these forums, is a good start.  You'll gain strength by venting, and we can help you along the way.  But please, at the very least, GO TO THE DOCTOR (preferrably a specialist in HIV) and KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENTS --- it's time to be responsible with your health.  Keep track of your CD4's & viral load...this is the only way to tell when it is time to take meds.  Don't write yourself off just yet, please give yourself a chance to get out of this funk and put things in perspective.  You need to prioritize and you can start that by seeing a doctor and possibly getting a therapist.  It worked for me and it can work for you too, but only if you allow yourself the opportunity to live.  The ball is in your court -- you can either choose to die, or YOU CAN LIVE.  I think you want to live, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

And you're not crazy Agent, you're just scared and mixed up right now which is normal.  What counts now is how you deal with it... you've started in the right place (posting here), now we will help you get through it all if you allow us to do that.  You're among people who can offer the support, comfort, love, understanding and knowledge you need at this time through our experiences, and many of us are willing to share our lives.  And one thing for sure, you're definitely not alone.

All I ask is that you and your wife get to the doctor and take care of yourselves -- your life is not over, you just have to be more watchful of your well-being and keep your mental state intact with talk therapy.  Trust me...YOU WILL HAVE A PRODUCTIVE AND HAPPY LIFE, but only if you choose that path.

Take care of yourself and remember -- WE ARE HERE FOR YOU & YOUR WIFE.

All the best,

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2006, 12:00:57 PM »

I can't add anything more to the advice you've been given other than to say:

Welcome to the AIDSMEDS family. May you find peace and contentment here.

Offline Sdgirl

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  • Posts: 247
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #9 on: July 04, 2006, 12:10:44 PM »
I think we all understand what you are feeling............and at one time or another we all wished we could just run and hide from this and pretend it wasn't there.

But it is there and we can not run and hide.  I think "warm and fuzzy" is great to help you through these tyring times, but the bottom line is, you need to seek medical assistance.  Not only for your physical health but for your mental health as well.

Denying you have  HIV is not going to make it go away.  Waiting until you get sick is just plain dumb.  If you have the means, health insurance, etc.  then you need to see a doctor.  SOONER not later. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves.."Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?"

Offline Nancy

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    • The Human Solution International
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2006, 01:37:26 PM »
Hi agent,

I'm another one who stuck my head in the sand.  For 10 years I ignored that I had the disease.  I figured that if I didn't 'feel' sick, then I must be ok....  at times I even convinced myself that the results were wrong.  Seeing a doctor was just admitting I had HIV.

I found this place 3 years ago and was convinced to get my head out of the sand before it was too late.  Luckily I got into a doctor 'just to have my numbers checked' and found out that I had an advanced case of cervical cancer and was almost into AIDS status.  3 surgeries later, numerous emergency room visits, 4 hospital stays, 2 months of daily radiation treatments and I thank the people here for saving my life!!!  The cancer wasn't an AIDS OI, but it was accelerated by the low CD4 count, and it would of been caught before it became cancer IF I'd gone to my annual check-ups.

Ignorance is not bliss, not when the price to be paid at the end is so expensive.  I had a great 10 years being an ostrich, but I'll never get these last 3 years back and it's been the worst 3 years of my life. 

Most of us would love to ignore the disease, but you have to take care of yourself to be able to have a fighting chance.
Deborah Cadigan-Little
Diagnosed Oct 1993
Member since Sept 2002
Meds Dec 2003

Offline allanq

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  • still life with pills
Re: Why do I feel like this????
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2006, 02:15:42 PM »
You imply that it's inevitable that you and your wife are going to get sick and that you'll never be happy again. Nothing could be further from the truth! Browse through these forums and you'll find many people who are leading happy and productive lives, even after being on meds for many years. HIV is no longer a death sentence. Actually, it never was, as many of us, myself included, have been living with this virus for over 20 years.

You mentioned that you've seen a doctor a few times in Miami but don't want to go back. Was there something about that doctor that made you uncomfortable? If so, try a different doctor. Seeing a doctor that is knowledgeable and supportive can make all the difference. (I know this from experience, having switched doctors several times.)

I agree with the advice of several others--seeing a counselor or therapist could be helpful in dealing with your anxiety. Right now, your catastrophic thoughts are spinning around in your mind, gaining strength with each passing day. The only way to stop it is to take action. It's not easy to do, but I hope you'll find the strength to do so soon.

Good luck to you and your wife. I hope you'll come back here and let us know how you're doing.

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