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Author Topic: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?  (Read 1917 times)

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Offline allopathicholistic

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Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« on: August 10, 2007, 01:47:59 PM »
So I had a nice 1st date with an hiv+ man and he admitted that a few years ago he was deathly addicted to crystal meth. Our 2nd date is coming up so the topic I'm bringing up is triggers. What do I need to know about triggers? ... Thanks

Offline thunter34

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2007, 02:31:30 PM »
About the only part of this I can answer right now is this: 

Do you have to walk on eggshells?   No.

If his grasp of sobriety is that fragile, he isn't ready for dating and relationships.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline marc11864

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2007, 05:16:23 PM »

What do you need to know about triggers? That really depends on what you want to know about him I suspect. I know that sounds rather simplistic, but honestly Alex, much depends on what you are expecting from him at this point.

Is this primarily just a roll in the hay? Are you both looking for something more substantial? How many years ago was he "deathly addicted"? How comfortable does he seem with himself? With his addiction? How comfortable does he SAY he is with his addiction. Let him be your guide for now and if he is honest with himself and with you, then he'll be able to help you better to understand what his triggers are.

I'd say at some point soon an even more frank discussion on how it affected him is important and necessary.

This all may sound much too heavy to deal with after you've only just had a first date but unfortunately in the case of people who have addictive personalities, and it doesn't really matter the substance, it is often necessary to attend things a.s.a.p. so as not to be unrealistic. Certainly let him know that you are appreciative that he has been so honest with you.

You may also want to do some reading on the subject. Some light reading that I might suggest which will give you at least a general understanding of the issue are...

Tweakers: How Crystal Meth Is Ravaging Gay America by Frank Sanello  and  Suicide Tuesday: Gay Men And The Crystal Meth Scare by Duncan Osborne. Granted, both books certainly come from the "all meth is bad" perspective. But I believe they'll help you in that they do present individual case studies wherein the person discusses his triggers. For some, even reading these books could be a trigger.

You're a good man for wanting to broaden your own knowledge to better understand your date. You most certainly are a very compassionate one.

I hope that I gave some useful direction to you.  :)

Let us cavort like the Greeks of old! You know the ones I mean.

Offline Iggy

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2007, 07:07:22 PM »
Outside of not lighting up a crack pipe at the dinner table, I really don't think you need to be so cautious.

And what's with the idea of bringing up a "topic"? - it's a date sweetie, not a round of Jeopardy

If the guy told you he was addicted a few years ago then ask him questions if your curious about it.  Ask him what attracted him to it and why, and how he broke the addiction.  Ask him whatever you want.  He will or won't answer to your satisfaction based on his own comfort level of talking about it and how much of it is really relevant on a second date.

I would advise you similar to advice to what I've seen given out to people in the Am I Infected? forum -Avoid searching the web for clues or trying to absorb all types of information that could lead you down the path to paranoia.

Offline Lisa

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2007, 07:54:01 PM »
I have circled around this thread all day with ambiguous feelings.
From where I stand, there should be no reason what-so-ever to have to tread carefully. If he wishes to discuss it fine, but it need not be an object of discussion for a second date.
There are way too many other topics for discussion that are infinately more interesting than dredging up his past drug use.
I say leave it lay, but there is no reason for you to have to tippy toe around.
There are uber-zillions of us here who have braved some nasty addictions, and some still are, but it doesn't cause any ripples in the day to day discussions here.

Discuss.   ;)
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2007, 09:58:50 PM »
Our 2nd date is coming up so the topic I'm bringing up is triggers.

oh you guys make me lol so much  :D i meant i'm bringing up the topic here, not on the date!  :D

i'm always telling people to focus on diction and composition. maybe i should follow my own advice  :-*

sorry for the confusion

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2007, 10:05:22 PM »
The only thing Matty the Damned knows about triggers is that they should always be squeezed -- never pulled.


Offline BT65

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Re: Triggers: do I have to walk on eggshells?
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2007, 12:28:43 AM »
I think, Alex, that the most important thing for me with triggers is to stay away from my old playgrounds, playmates and playthings (language from a 12-step program, not my own).  If there's anything you want to know, just ask him.  I hope things go well for you guys! :-*
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