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Author Topic: I feel invisible!!!!  (Read 5937 times)

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Offline Afraid

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
I feel invisible!!!!
« on: August 07, 2007, 02:49:08 PM »
I am having a very hard day today. I woke up feeling OK, I decided hey you know why don't you treat your self to a day of beauty, so I get up, and when I am leaving my home, I see my Ex boyfriend of 4 years pulling into my complex with another women. I never felt so hurt in my life. Yes I broke the relationship off when I was diagnosed..but I loved him so much. I felt like he was my soul mate best friend..He seen me and the look on his face told me that he was uncomfortable to. His mother and sister just moved near me, and I asked him to respect my space and not bring any women around where I live. because I am not sure how I can handle it..but that son of  BITCH does it anyway, he must have thought I was at work.

but it gets better now I proceed and I go and get my hair done but who do I see but him again, with her coming out of a diner all hugged up..I felt sick to my stomach, so this time I said I'll speak and when I spoke to him he didn't even acknowledge me...I just needed to vent. I am so hurt right now. because the one I loved the most is loving someone else, but I know that I broke it off, and that was to spare him from possible infection. and besides I know that he was getting tired of waiting for me to have sex with him.

please someone with any words of encouragement I would appreciate it. I feel like shit. I wanted to jump on her so bad and make her feel my pain. Gosh I feel so pathetic, and invisible like I am never going to find anyone to love me.

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

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  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2007, 03:05:57 PM »
Hi Afraid~

I know that sick, deep feeling in your gut, when you are so upset, angry and confused all at one time.  It happened with me, not involving an exBF, but my ex BEST GF back on July 8th.  She had written me off five years prior because of the virus without even acknowledging me!  Here she was in the same restaurant as my family a month ago.  I was so hurt, and we were seated in the booth right behind hers.  She had the nerve to come over and talk to us, and all I wanted to do was scream at her to go away.  I wanted to scream that she was ignorant as to what I was dealing with. 

So, not exactly the same as your situation with romantic love, but still, I have lost a very important "chapter" in my life -- twenty years of friendship with her.  Everything that day in the restaurant was awkward, I could see on the faces of the people who were seated with her.  They were her family and they knew about my status because of her big mouth. 

All you can do now is feel what you're feeling.  Its so normal, and it hurts so bad, I know.  Its a very empty and lonely feeling, thinking about something that never moved forward as you wanted it to.  Something that no longer had a chance to exist because of the circumstances.  Chances are you'll see him again around town.  Just keep on doing what you do, your skin will thicken, your heart will lighten and it won't be so bad down the road.  It takes time for these strong emotions to fade, especially when you see him with another woman.  That is the absolute worst.  Have you ever thought of going back to him?  Is that even feasable, to be friends or maybe be involved again down the road?  You say that you ended the relationship for fear of passing the virus to him.  You don't have to pass it.  You just DON'T.  I have been widowed 11 years and have had a few LTRs.  I have always, ALWAYS practiced safe sex.  After reading more about transmission and VLs, I have come to realize that women transmitting to men, really is more difficult.  It has made me breathe a sigh of relief, and that has only been just recently.  For so long, I thought I was destined to pass this on no matter what.  But I just simply refuse. 

So, whether its with your ex or someone new in your future, you owe it to yourself to live.  I know of your circumstances and have read your personal story, so I know this is still new for you and that you are scared.  In time, you will become stronger, and you will move on.  Please join us in the dating threads more often.  We'd love to see you there and chat more.  Its very uplifting and has changed things for me in one short month.

Don't give up, sweetie, and when you have to cry, let it all out.  Its what makes us human.  I'm thinking of you.


HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline powerpuff

  • Member
  • Posts: 138
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2007, 05:14:38 PM »
wow, i totally feel you!
yeah i know it's hard. I'm new too. welcome
i feel the same way. ican see you didn't want to infect your mate and let him go. it sucks you had to see him with another.

Offline Afraid

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2007, 06:16:49 PM »
It's really hard being friends with someone that you love so much..the crazy thing is I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago, and his family seen my friend drop me off, and they broke there neck to tell him..but I am the only one that was in the dark about his new situation.

The part that hurt me the most was how he acted like he didn't even know me..When he just called me the other day to tell me how is was short on money for somethings that he needed to take care of, and I gave him the money..So when I seen him leaving the diner with that bitch I flipped out..I told him how dare you feed the next bitch, when you still owe me money.

I just feel used and worthless in so many ways. the funny part is I know deep down inside that this will all pass. I just wanted to jump on her and take out my year long frustration on her..then I thought to myself..Nah I am not trying to be sitting in anyone jail...lol

So I let her live this time..

Thanks for listening

Offline IzPoz

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  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2007, 08:15:12 PM »
Well, in all honesty, no matter how hurt you feel, it's not the other woman's fault. She came after you guys broke up, so really, she's not at fault at all. Sure, it hurts. It hurts like hell, but you can't blame her. He's the one who turned his back on you when you were trying to acknowledge him.

The next time he calls you for money, just remember the two letter word: "No" and then tell him to take a flying leap of faith over the Grand Canyon.

Keep your chin up, lady, don't let this guy get you down. You are worth much more than that!!
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,398
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2007, 08:52:42 PM »
Hi Afraid,

Em here. We've chatted a bit in the past. I'm glad you posted today.

I'm going to talk with you as if you were my little sister because that is what feels right at this moment.

My first reaction, after seeing your post about giving him money, was WOW, this guy's got two bank accounts with her...one is financial and the other is emotional and they're both active accounts.

So, let's continue with the notion that you're a bank. If you give him money, or even if it's considered " a loan for which you'll be paid back"  you do not get to control where, when or upon whom he spends it. Got it? IzPoz is right, any other woman you see him with has no blame in this...she doesn't necessarily know you even exist. Got that, too?

Remember, you ended the relationship. Regardless of the reason why, you ended it which meant he was free to move on.

The second account is emotional (which also helps keep the financial account open) and he knows it's open or he would not ask you for dough.

I would like to suggest that you put a CLOSED sign in front of your teller w indow. Close both accounts and start spending your heart and your money only on you for the next couple of months. Get some counseling. Take a class. Buy yourself a nice dinner--whatever you can afford and want. You might consider a course on money management or a Suze Orman (sp?) book---VERY helpful in gaining insight about your money attitudes and how to fix them.

That's all for now. Looking forward to more of your posts.

And, while you feel INVISIBLE, you're not. And, he knows it---that's why it's so easy for him to reach into your vulnerable bank accounts...plural, remember, you've got two for him. Based on some of his reacti ons and actions, I'm thinking you did a very smart thing by letting him go and my view has nothing to do with keeping him infection-free.

Time to spend time on you, Afraid.


Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,033
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2007, 02:38:49 AM »
Dang, I'm always missing something. Asaint's post is gone. I must agree with the others and also say you can't blame the other woman. It would seem like your ex didn't have a problem moving on but at the same time, what made you think he was going to wait? I also agree with you, the money you gave him was more than likely spent on the new lady. I would not expect to see that money again if I was you, take it as a loss. But now that you know what he is about, why bother even talking to him? And with his family reporting things back to him, what is the point since they know you broke up? Sounds to me like they just want to keep things stirred up. Move on, GF, move on. You're better than that. ;)
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Afraid

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2007, 08:55:32 PM »

I have read all your post and I must admit that you ladies were so right, however it was just me venting and not thinking this through all the way.

Funny thing is how he was been calling my phone all day leaving different messages, and I am very proud of myself, because I haven't responded to him.

I don't have any intentions on doing so. He hurt me really bad. I only asked him for respect, and I don't think that was asking for much. if you know the we just ended our relationship, Why would you bring the next female where I live???

I told him that I didn't have problem with seeing someone else. but just respect my space and not bring it around me.

Maybe I am over reacting, but I am only a human with a heart.

Time heals all things..But Em I love the way you broke it down to me...I took everything into perspective..Love you all

Offline Thick713

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: I feel invisible!!!!
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2007, 04:18:15 AM »
Do you dare let him see you sweat !   You are a beautiful person, and there is someone out there for you .. just be patient .. and keep your head up .. have you tried the POZ Personals ... or even Positive Dating ... there are nice positive men everywhere ... and of course there are some assholes ... both positive & negative .. just pray on it .. it will be ok ...



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