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Author Topic: I am having a real fucking problem  (Read 14103 times)

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Offline JamieD

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I am having a real fucking problem
« on: July 21, 2007, 01:10:18 AM »
This post is in response to my other post, but I would rather it not be merged since it's a little bit different.

I want to note that I am severly intoxicated right now (and yes, I still type perfectly when I am trashed). I have drunk 5 shots of tequilla, and taken 5 oxycodone. I just got off the phone with my therapist, who runs her office out of her home basement so I am able to call her at any hour of the day.

I was crying earlier, like I do all the time now. I cry myself to sleep every night. Taking the alcohol and the oxycodone helps to ease my pain. I am trying hard to take my HIV status and turn it into something positive, take it as an opportunity to turn my fucking life around, but I can't seem to. I am in such emotional pain. My ex-boyfriend and his friends are constantly taunting me, and making fun of me. My ex told me the other day that I am going to die a miserable death, and be all alone and that I should just end my life now. He told me I am pathetic, and disgusting. His friends email me and tell me how I am such a fucking loser and how I should jump off a bridge or a building. They know I am suicidal because I had told my ex. They leave me voice messages in the middle of the night telling me that if they were me that they would have killed themselves long before they found out they were HIV+. My ex writes blogs about how he is so beatiful that when he dumps people they want to commit suicide. The other day he said to me "I am going to go find myself someone who isn't HIV+ to love". I just cried so hard when he said that.

This is so depressing. I destroyed my television set today. I was watching an ad on some channel that and the ad said "Knowing is Beautiful" (in reference to knowing your HIV status) and I just flipped my shit. No one told me before I took an HIV test that my life would be ruined and that I would lose people I love. No one told me before I took an HIV test that I might find myself on the floor all alone on a Friday night taking pills and drinking tequilla to make the pain go away. No one told me that. Why don't they tell you that when you go to get an HIV test? The ugly side of knowing you are HIV+. I actually met someone else who is HIV+ and he just found out 2 weeks before I did. He said he has never had any mental health or substance abuse problems before but all of a sudden he is drinking and cutting himself alone in his room. I have never drank alcohol to ease pain, nor have I ever taken any drugs to ease pain. But I sure as hell am now.

Fuck. And before anyone says anything about the people calling me.... I don't know who they are. They call from restricted numbers, and send emails from anonymous email sites. I tried going to the police but I have no identifying information on them. The things my ex has said to me he said them all to my face, and it's not illegal to tell someone to go kill themselves anyhow.

Sorry for ranting, but I am trashed and I wouldn't open up like this normally.

Offline ndrew

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2007, 08:31:58 AM »
 I am sorry about all of this, it is a lot to go through.  Please take care not to drown your emotions in drugs and alcolhol and seek some professional support and support of good people.  Changing numbers and email addresses would be good as well.


Offline Dachshund

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2007, 09:18:53 AM »
What advice did your therapist give you when you called her in such a state? It is amazing you were able to talk much less type, and the situation with your ex and his friends is beyond bizarre. I would forward this thread to your therapist and continue working with her on a professional level...you don't need armchair psychology from a website you need to be working diligently with your therapist.

Good luck

Offline Dragonette

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2007, 09:31:49 AM »

you are probably sleeping now to wake up with a hangover...
this was really sad to read, I have been there, the suicidal thoughts, the menacing ex (though compared to yours he was an angel), the loss of a will to live, just over a year ago.

I gave myself just one year and things really improved.

please don't mix pills and alcohol. i am not familiar of that med but if it is prescribed and you feel that it helps, no harm in a moderate assistance with pills to calm down at this time, but not only pills - you need to talk to someone - and not 5 of them at once!

You will find on these forums many people to help you just by being there, you will see that in these forums and outside, the vast majority is different from these f***ing assholes who are bothering you. I have no words to spare for them really. Like a bunch of evil schoolgirls on amphetamines, and I hope each and every one of them dies in a variety of entertaining and horrific ways.

But, asides from going to the police, who may be able to trace IP addresses from which emails were sent, there is not much you can do on that front. You need to move on. I know you are hurting immesurably, but once you pull out - just a little - from the deep dark well of pain and humiliation, you will really see that life is not over. There are a lot of chilled, friendly, decent guys out there, and people in general. Right now you are still consumed by the Forces of Evil, that's natural, and I have been there myself. Change email or don't open any messages from strangers, keep menacing messages in case you need to play them to the police, but do not listen to them, just skip them if you hear something mean before listening, don't give them the satisfaction! They must be some lower species indeed to enjoy that, and I am sure the rest of their lives is on a similar level. I am so angry right now, it's so hard to be diagnosed anyway, and to seperate as a result even more, but to undergo this... I hope that you will be able to emerge by calling someone, reaching out to a (real) friend, a ASO, a hotline, or even that guy you met, and to use us in the forums. And with baby steps, things really will get better.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2007, 09:34:23 AM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Razorbill

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2007, 09:39:48 AM »
I agree with Drew change numbers and email immediately.  Lay off the booze.  Really.  Have you thought that the reason the situation has gotten bad and that these animals hurt you is that you believe what they are saying about you?  Do you believe you're no good, that you're gonna die a horrible death, that you're pathetic?  I don't think you are, I think you're shaken and worried and instead of finding support, you have torment.  Time to get strong and take action (and I don't mean the cops).  Block communications and start hanging with folks that care.  Drowning in pills and booze won't change a thing.  Good luck.  Keep talking.
PS - Why do you have Oxycodone in the house?

Offline Dragonette

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2007, 09:55:05 AM »
I have just read your suicide post so I respond to that. I consider myself a very suicidal person, I have tried to kill myself numerous times as a young teen, and so the first thing on my mind when I was diagnosed is naturally suicide. And also damn, you just found out last Monday. I know you don't beleive it, but you are under the big wave right now in the middle of a stormy night, it will get calmer and this is not justa bullshit metaphor. I was diagnosed like you with a low CD4 (77) and not knowing how it happened. About the AIDS diagnosis, I am not disputing that 68 T cells is something to take care of immediatly (are you on meds yet? drinking is not good for so many reasons now), but, keep in mind that AIDS diagnosis nowadays is pretty arbitrary. I was diagnosed AIDS as in the USA in my home country, but in the Netherlands am not treated as AIDS even when below 200, the reason is they look at the infections to define AIDS. So try to understand, you may have an AIDS diagnosis and certailny a low immune system, but you are not necessarily an AIDS patient. It's a matter of a POV, and I know in the US and some other countriesl they diagnose AIDS to help patients with benefits, medical weed, etc etc. So don't think of yourself (yes I know it's hard) as dying from AIDS, you will recover, your system will recover.

I will not lie, it is not easy, but will you beleive me when I say, even with side effects that I have that I worry about, even with stigma, I am happier now than ever becuase first and foremost this diagnosis pushed me to cleanse toxic influences from my life and invite good ones in. You don't have to make an effort to be positive, in your words, just stick with NOT DOING painful things. Such as listening to those messages/reading those emails, drinking, those suspicious pills. Don't think, don't plan, don't do anything but what feels right. You did not have the unhealthy habits before so your gut instinct knows what's right. When the negative, self-depreciating thoughts are screaming in your head, calmly write them down and you will see how unvalid they are. Allow yourself to cry because with getting HIV you lose some things, some aspects of living, that may be really important to you right now. That is true. It's scary as hell, true also. But it is not the end, not at all, I believe that with all my heart. I look at you and I see a beautiful young guy with his whole life ahead of him. I know it makes me sound like an old aunt but I really see that. All the best of luck to you,

Modifiedto add: English is not m first language. i don't mean that emotions are not valid, I mean, when we put them on paper, we see how out of perspective they are, we see how they don't necessaril;y match reality.

For example

"I will never have a relationship"
you don't know that

"I will die of AIDS"
Your doctors said you are in excellent health and there are good meds available


I am not sure how young you are, I think I was exactly at the same place you're in now when I was your age (20 or so?), except the HIV. You need to sort out your whole life now, not just HIV, also work/school, housing, friends, etc. It looks probably like a huge mountain impossible to climb. But you can do it, slowly, very very slowly and with a lot of patience and kindness to your self. I did it... I climbed from being totally abused, dysfunctional, uneducated and dependent on psychiatric drugs to somewhere I could never imagine. I'm not bragging here, just saying I know how tough it is and I beleive in you.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2007, 10:10:32 AM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline Iggy

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2007, 10:39:07 AM »
Adding my voice to those who suggested changing phone numbers and email.  If there is some strange reason that you can not do this then you need to tell the asswipes that you want them to not contact you again and if they do you will file a police report about the harassing calls and emails. 

I would say that your ex and his friends behavior is too harsh to believe however having been the subject of some unbelievable cruelty by others I can attest to just how fucked up people can be - particularly when they are either just plain bored or miserable with their own life. Right now they are enjoying you being a powerless victim and you need to change that (both for their perceptions and yours)

Also as someone else suggested - you should print out this thread and bring it to your therapist.  Sometimes we couch our language an feelings in therapy as we are afraid of how to fully express in a one on one what we are really feeling.  I'm not saying you are doing that - but this thread will clearly lay out the issues to your therapist in a clear way.  If you feel she doesn't give you clear help with how to deal with your feelings - then find another.

Finally I think a group (in addition to your one-on-one therapy) would be good for you.  It need not be a "therapy" group though it should be a group of HIV+ people who can give you a sense of camaraderie and sense of understanding in a face to face setting.  I think being with other poz people in person may also diminish the power of what the neg assholes are saying about you. 

Though the bottom line here is you need to work through this with a professional.  At the end of the day we on this board can give you a shoulder and an ear and some advice, but you need a little more than that right now.

Offline bobino

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2007, 06:42:18 PM »

I would just like to add that the kind of harrassment that you're undergoing is not only cruel, it's also illegal in most states.  You can often go to court and get a civil protection order to restrain the people responsible.  I'd work with the police and my Internet service provider to trace the source of these e-mails.  Even if the police won't do anything, ISPs are generally quite sensitive to this kind of thing, and it is likely that they will take action against whoever owns the e-mail accounts from which these messages were sent.  The same should be true of your telephone service provider.  In short, I wouldn't take this lying down.

And while I know this should be obvious to anyone, let me just point out that your ex is an absolute ogre.  I can't recall ever hearing of someone saying things so morally depraved.  Clearly, he's a vile, disgusting person.  Would love to find his blog and give him a piece of my mind.  Hmmm . . . maybe you can post the link and we can all have a go at him.   >:(  In any event, I'd pay him as little mind as possible.

As for all the drinking and drugs, I'd give those up and work with my therapist to find an appropriate antidepressant to get you through this period.  I understand how rough it is.  I was diagnosed three weeks after moving to a new city and two weeks after starting my new job.  I got the news early on a Tuesday afternoon and had to go right back to work from the clinic.  I won't lie to you -- the initial period is very, very, very rough.  It can get better later after you adjust to the new reality, but only if you take steps to deal with your emotions.  Your reaction is perfectly normal and understandable, but you will probably need professional help to deal with it. 

Finally, things can get better.  For me, I take both antidepressant and antianxiety meds and see my shrink weekly.  That helps a lot.  Oddly enough, about a year after diagnosis, I met my current partner.  When I disclosed my status to him, I half thought that he'd just walk out and I'd never see him again.  Instead, he just looked at me calmly and said, "Well, we all have our flaws."  We've been together ever since, and despite my HIV infection and steadily progressing lipodystrophy, I can honestly say I've never been happier in my life.  Would I be happier if I were negative?  HELL YEAH!  But I'm not, so I make do with what I have.

Sorry about the long, rambling post.  Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, just PM me.  I'd be happy to listen.


Suivons les rivières
Gardons les torrents
Restons en colère
Soyons vigilants

Offline JamieD

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2007, 10:49:53 PM »
Hi Guys!

I wanted to stop by and just thank you all for your kind words. They mean a lot. I don't even remember writing this post, everything gets blurry in my memory when I drink huge amounts of alcohol.

You're all right, my ex is a terrible person and I knew that long before I found out I was positive. Every one of my friends told me he was bad news, but I just never listened. He is someone I cared about, and still do care for a great deal. I don't know why I permitted myself to be abused like that for so long. I wish I could hear him say he was sorry, and know he actually meant it. I wish other people knew him the way I know him. All of his friends, and people who don't know him worship the ground he stands on. Maybe that's why he disliked me so much, because I don't worship anyone or kiss anyone's ass. I just think that maybe if they are ALL saying these things about me that maybe they are right. I mean.... they can't all be wrong, can they?

As I have said before, they are emailing me from anonymous email servers. If you type in "anonymous email" in google you will see what I am talking about. I can change my email address and probably will. I have changed my number once before and they found out what it was, and they sometimes call my home number. I honestly think I am going to move away from my house anyway. My grandmother is in hospice care right now, and she is leaving my property in another country. I have been wanting to move for quite some time, and I think this is finally the push I need.

I dunno. I will write more another time. I don't feel much like writing right now.

Thank you all for your support though.


Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2007, 09:01:31 AM »
Hi Jamie,

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

You really can't do anything about what others say or think about you nor control their mail to you unless it crosses over into threats, in which case report them to the authorities. So I suggest not putting anymore energy in that direction nor in what your ex might have been since that comes under the heading of what I call zebras will never be giraffes.

What you CAN do is take steps to make your life NOW as good as you can. I urge you to focus in that direction. What do you really want in your life, what will make your life bigger and more content, etc.

It's good to hear from you.

Andy Velez

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2007, 09:49:37 AM »
they can't all be wrong, can they?

they can... and they are

HUGS honey

Offline JamieD

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2007, 03:18:57 PM »
Hey you guys! I got on anti-depressants after my most recent trip out of the country. It's an MAO-I, so it doesn't take quite as long as SSRI's to begin working.

Offline BT65

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2007, 08:56:15 PM »
Hey Jamie-
  I took pills and drank for a long time and I can tell you that doing that totally fucks up real perceptions.  You know, perceptions of what you can do for yourself.  Maybe you should look up Narcotics Anonymous' phone number or AA's phone number.  It's possible to change your life, but it's up to you. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline racingmind

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2007, 10:56:44 AM »
Hang in there Jamie, you'll get through this.  A lot of us have been there. It can be overwhelming. I would be careful who you disclose to in the future...because as you know, you can't be taunted if they don't have the information...and you can't control what those you disclose to say to others.  My biggest fear is that I will lose control of that someday.

I have wrestled with disclosure issues since diagnosis...I have only disclosed to 7 people who are not HIV+: My 3 doctors, my case manager, my therapist, one friend, and, of course,  my boyfriend.  I have 3 HIV+ friends that I disclosed to as well.  It sucks that the stigma still surrounds us. 

I would love to be able to tell my family, but I think they are still stuck in the 80s with regard to HIV/AIDS. I am not ready to educate them quite yet.  It will be a year since diagnosis in September. It IS hard knowing, but just know that it will not encompass all of your thoughts as time goes on.  It's just a virus, a very treatable virus....and medicine is only going to get better.  This might sound kinda weird...but there has never been a better time to be dealing with being HIV+. 

Tested Negative: 5/06
Tested Positive: 9/06 
9/06: CD4: 442 (28%) VL: +100,000
10/06: CD4: 323 (25%) VL: 243,440
11/06: CD4: 405 (28%) VL: 124,324
12/06: CD4: 450 (29%) VL: 114,600
1/07: CD4: 440 (27%) VL: 75,286
3/07: CD4: 459 (30%) VL: 44,860
5/07: CD4: 353 (24%) VL: 50,852
7/07: CD4: 437 (29%) VL: 39,475
9/07: CD4: 237 (32%) VL: 372,774
10/07: CD4: 324 (27%) VL: 115,454 
Started Atripla: 10/07
11/07: CD4: 524 (?%) VL: Undetectable!
2/08: CD4: 653 (35%) VL: undetectable
5/08: CD4: 822 (40%) VL: undetectable
8/08: CD4: 626 (35%) VL: undetectable
12/08: CD4: 619 (36%) VL: undetectable
3/09: CD4: 802 (38%) VL: undetectable
7/09: CD4: 1027 (43%) VL: not tested
10/09: CD4: 1045 (43%) VL: undetectable

Offline chefrusty904

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2007, 09:47:57 AM »
I am a recovering addict. my suicidal thoughts have been removed almost immediatly.Not injesting drugs or alcohol was the key to my serenity . All my health concerns are
still here I just had to awaken and come up with a new coping method.I suggest NOT drinking and commit to a program of recovery.

Good Luck and God Bless, Russell

Offline powerpuff

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2007, 04:03:45 PM »
aww thats terrible your ex is so mean. my advice to you is hang out with other poz people or suppot group and change your phone so those evil people wont call..

Offline Paulette

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Re: I am having a real fucking problem
« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2007, 04:04:48 PM »
Just read your post and like most, been there after i found out i was positive i was on a mission to get it over with(dying that is), by using meth, pills,boos, and trying to cut my wrist, and this went on for about 9 months after my dx: until i ended up in hospital on my death bed, and only by GOD'S grace i made it through and it sounds like to me you are a very beautiful, sweet, and caring person and as far as your ex and his buddies, to hell with what they think, (they sound like they are the LOSERS) and not you. You are a  wonderful person. Just surround yourself with others that are like you, who can see  beyond the disease and see the true beautiful person that you are.  And this to will pass, we've all gone through something similar. It does get better.

"I have HIV, it doesn't have me"

Hugs to you babe!
I have HIV; it doesn't me;)


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