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Author Topic: Need Some Help  (Read 3749 times)

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Offline bluelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Need Some Help
« on: June 27, 2006, 03:03:17 AM »
I have been lurking for a while and now l need some help.I am a female straight poz for 5 years now.I have met a man who is not poz.He knows that l am and has no problems with it.

He would like to start a relationship with me.But l am scared to death. When l found out l was poz i was seeing someone.I had no idea that l was poz the news from my Doctor was a shock. The person l was seeing at the time was tested and sure enough was also found positive. I have a lot of guilt over that and even though he "forgave" me it is still there.

Given that you can see why l am scared to get to close or to deep with this new man. He has told me look l know the deal and have done tons of reading.

Can the poz/neg relationships here give me any advice?

Am l making a big deal out of nothing?

I really care for this person and he is wonderful.After five years alone l never thought i would find someone again and fate had a different idea.


Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,138
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2006, 04:17:40 AM »
Hi Blue, welcome to the forums.

Go for it!

I've been in a relationship with a negative man for seven years and there is no doubt in my mind he will stay that way.

Just make sure you use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse and you will protect his negative status. It really is that simple. Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus and more so from a woman to a man and if you're using condoms correctly and consistently, you have nothing to worry about.

Check out the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can make sure he is putting them on correctly. You might also like to check out the links in the left-hand column of either of those pages for information on the female condom. They also provide excellent protection against hiv. They can be fiddly to use at first, but no problem with a little practice. My partner and I use them sometimes.

I can't help but wonder if you are beating yourself up for no reason where your ex is concerned. How can you be sure he didn't infect you? You may never know so dump the guilt overboard before it sinks your ship. You can't change the past, but you can move into your fab new future.

Looking forward to hearing more from you...

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Jeffreyj

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2006, 07:36:40 AM »
I agree with Ann here...Love doesn't knock on your door very often, so take ad vatage! It will take some work on both your parts, but if you are truly in love that should be doable! Best of luck. Be strong and brave. Anything is possible. God bless you both. I wish you all the best!
Positive since 1985

Offline Christine

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,069
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2006, 08:43:56 AM »
I have been married to a negative man for 12 years. We use condoms, and practice safe sex with all activities, and I am comfortable about him continueing to be negative. I have found it has been more emotional issues than physical. On days that are bad, he can feel helpless to make things better. We fight sometimes over medical bills. And sometimes we are both dissapointed when we have to cancel plans due to health problems. But overall, we don't let hiv run our relationship.

And I agree with Ann, how do you know for sure you infected him, and not the other way around? Or that he was not already + when you had a relationship with him. Consenting adults who both participate in unsafe sex both had a responsibility to protect themseleves. Stop beating yourself up about it. None of us can change the past, we can only make our future better. And it sounds like you have a good guy there, so go and enjoy yourself!
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline bluelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2006, 08:54:05 AM »
Yes he is a good guy more educated than most about HIV.

I told him i wrote here asking for help and he was so? And l read your answers and he was see?

I admit a lot of what is going on is all in my head....And l am working on dumping the guilt.

And l agree Christine the emotional stuff is tougher than any thing else.


  • Guest
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2006, 09:46:54 AM »
i agree, hold on to him as tight as u can.  good men dont exactly drop from trees

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2006, 09:59:57 AM »
Hi Blue,

Infected in '83......
Swore off men and any relationship in '84.....
Met the love of my life, and HIV aware, also HIV- in '88......
Been in Love/Lust ever since.....  He?.... Still very much HIV-, and happy.  Would he have done this if he knew he would have 10 years yanked out from under him because he had to keep me alive for that long?  I don't know, and I will not ask that question.  He still professes his love to me daily, and for that, I will not question.  We are still very much in Love.

I hope this helps.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline doyourowndamndishes

  • Member
  • Posts: 85
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2006, 02:28:48 PM »
Hi Bluelove,

Simply to add to what others have chimed in, keeping an honest and open line of communication is essential in any relationship.  If the two of you keep talking it can help work out any fears or uneasy feelings either of you may have.  True, my +/- relationship just ended a month ago after 5 years but me being hiv+ was not the issue.  If this new beau says he is ok with you being poz, LISTEN to him; to me that would be an odd thing to lie about.  Please don't blame past actions for future happiness.  We all deserve love and happiness if we feel we deserve them.  You seem to have found a good one; don't let him slip away simply because of your past fears.

Go for it!!


"All that we are is theresult of what we have thought." -Buddha

Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2006, 06:17:12 AM »
I told him i wrote here asking for help and he was so? And l read your answers and he was see?

I admit a lot of what is going on is all in my head....And l am working on dumping the guilt.

Hi BlueLove,
You mean I'm not the only one with an overactive imagination. ??? LOL Your new man sounds like a keeper!




Offline Biggums

  • Member
  • Posts: 199
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2006, 08:39:40 AM »
Hey Blue,

Keep this one!  You will never reach a point where this thing doesn't smack ya in the face every so often, but theres alot of situations that happen in life that will do the same thing.  He is willing to work through it so take him up on his offer.  This doesnt sound like some naive puppy dog love but one based on a well thought out and heart felt decision.  Good luck!
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline bluelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2006, 05:23:35 PM »
So we talked last night and he is willing to go as slow or fast as l want.

Yes he is a keeper.

I know l am really lucky to have in my life ...He comes here to read too and has learned a lot as well.

And case you were wondering yes l am a cop and no that is not me ....Just like the picture.

Besides a doughnut would not last that long with me.

Part of the reason l called myself blue love.

Thanks all you guys and gals are wonderbar.

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,517
  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: Need Some Help
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2006, 12:09:27 AM »
Hey Blue,

I really don't have anything to add, but wanted to say "welcome to the family."

I agree, for what its worth, with the others. This guy sounds like a keeper.

So, I look forward to hearing more from you.



(Who thinks cops are sexy - even the women! ;D )
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)


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