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Author Topic: 50! CRUM!  (Read 7771 times)

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Offline RAB

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50! CRUM!
« on: May 21, 2007, 10:04:19 AM »
My 50th birthday is  approaching and I am NOT dealing with it very well.  Not at all well. 

I've lived with HIV for nearly half my life (infected in 83, tested in 85), so you'd think I'd have a better perspective on this than I do.  But for some reason this birthday is really bothering me

I know it's only a number.  I know all the other cliches people use.  What I don't know is why this one is making me so darn sad.

Sad because I'm entering what I guess is the Autumn of my life.  Sad because when I take an inventory of what my life has been I can't identify much of value.  Sad because physically my youth is gone.  Sad because I seem to have lost my way recently and I'm not sure where in the heck I'm supposed to be headed.

If anyone finds my youthful spirit could you return it to me?  I'll reimburse you for the postage.   ;)

I know a couple of my buddies here are coming right behind me with their 50th, hopefully they are having a better time of it.

I hate this, I hate it alot.


(There is no purpose to this post beyond demonstrating what a foolish and shallow person I'm allowing myself to be.  >:()

Offline Lisa

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2007, 10:33:11 AM »
They say that fifty is the new thirty darling! You don't look a day over  thirty ....uh    ....um   something. :-*
Don't feel bad love, I'm right behind you soon.
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Jerry71

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  • Genvoya CD4 525 10-20-16
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2007, 10:46:01 AM »
50 you say well you don't look a day over 30 well that was when I meet you in Montreal last year. Just as long as you keep fit and keep smiling you will be ok. Jerry who will be giving Rocky swats on the ass when he see's him in San Francisco in September. Hell with that many swats on the ass you should be smiling. :-*

Offline Dachshund

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2007, 10:48:54 AM »
You kids today. I've got your fifty hangin'. Just wait till you're fifty-five and gravity has become your cruel master and stray hairs sprout where no contortionist could ever reach and chirping birds make you cranky because they are too darn noisy. You young fellas and your complaints...you just wait you lil' whippersnapper! You just wait...

Aunty D

Offline RapidRod

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2007, 11:41:50 AM »
Rab is going to be fifty?

Offline northernguy

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2007, 12:37:18 PM »
It reminds me of that line in "Chicago", when Roxie says "I'm older than I ever expected to be" :D  Its funny how these arbitrary numbers can effect us, 40 really through me for a loop.
Apr 28/06 cd4 600 vl 10,600 cd% 25
Nov 8/09 cd4 510 vl 49,5000 cd% 16
Jan 16/10 cd4 660 vl 54,309 cd% 16
Feb 17/10 Started Atripla
Mar 7/10 cd4 710 vl 1,076 cd% 21
Apr 18/10 cd4 920 vl 268 cd% 28
Jun 19/10 cd4 450 vl 60 cd% 25
Aug 15/10 cd4 680 vl 205 cd% 27
Apr 3/11 cd4 780 vl <40 cd% 30
Jul 17/11 cd4 960 vl <40 cd%33
April 15/12 cd4 1,010 vl <40 cd% 39
April 20/12 Switched to Viramune + Truvada
Aug 2/12 cd4 1040, vl <40, cd% 38
Oct 19 cd4 1,110 vl <40 cd% 41

Offline Basquo

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2007, 12:51:12 PM »

Sad because physically my youth is gone. 

Whatever!   ???   You look fab in a tank top, and your face hasn't even started to catch up with your actual age.  Where the hell is this coming from? Methinks this doesn't have as much to do with your body as your mind.


Offline emeraldize

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2007, 01:09:47 PM »
Oh my goodness, dearest RAB
If you were here, your face I'd GRAB

I'd hold a mirror up for YOU
(When we met, I was FIFTY-TWO!!)

I'd ask that you take a very long LOOK
While I read aloud "Passages" Gail Sheahy's BOOK

You don't know, but soon you WILL
That you are not over any HILL

It's the way we're taught to THINK
As if age 50 were some sort of BRINK

In some ways things become more CLEAR
Especially whom and what you hold DEAR

As to your looks, you're boyish STILL
You need not worry nor take a PILL

It is, I think, as most things we FIND
All hinged upon your state of MIND!!

In advance of whenever Alan's announcement is posted.
Happy UPCOMING Birthday

Dan J.

  • Guest
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2007, 01:57:02 PM »
I hope I look as good as you do when  I reach 50.



Offline aztecan

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  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2007, 01:58:32 PM »
Thanks for the reminder, RAB!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[

Yep, I'm right behind you, literally! Well, almost. You are two months older than I!t

But, then again, you look so much better than I.(Ain't life a bitch!)

Wait till I get you in SF.!!! It will be birthday swats and even a coctail or two!!



Who loves his swats and knows RAB enjoys them too!
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Teresa

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2007, 03:10:06 PM »

I will be 50 in about 8 months....I feel your pain!

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Nadine

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2007, 04:55:29 PM »

Don't fret about 50 too much.  Though I can't even imagine cuz I'm no where near it!  :D :D

Ask Rodney about it, he's waaaayyyy past that!

Love ya, my friend!  :-*


Offline StrongGuy

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2007, 04:56:26 PM »
From what I remember of your old avatar, and some of the gathering pics, I thought you were late thirties/early forties. We should all look as good as you at 50! It's just a number - don't let yourself get too down about it.

"Get your medical advice from Doctors or medical professionals who you trust and know your history."

"Beware of the fortune teller doom and gloomers who seek to bring you down and are only looking for company, purpose and validation - not your best physical/mental interests."

"You know you all are saying that this is incurable. When the real thing you should be saying is it's not curable at the present time' because as we know, the great strides we've made in medicine." - Elizabeth Edwards

Offline pozniceguy

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2007, 05:08:19 PM »
Hey all you guys/gals... 50 IS JUST A NUMBER..... AARP doesn't even try to recruit you until 55  and that is just to try to sell you "old people" stuff...  The local Tax guys don't consider you a "senior" until at least 65.....even  Kroger waits till your 65 to offer a "senior discount"     ...I know all this because I qualify for all those things plus a few more....  I still "think "  I am about 40...what you believe about yourself will project to other people and they will see you that way also...
I know the common press / magazines/ "buzz" says 50 is over the hill  but I think you have a long way to go to even get to the hill....   see all things as  at least "half-full " and you will see that the world around you will see you as young as you want to be...   I look forward to " seeing" all you youngsters in San Francisco

remember the good times...honor the past but don't live there
Le stelle la notte sono grandie luminose, nel cuore profondo del Texas

Offline AlanBama

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2007, 05:12:40 PM »
Honey, I feel your pain.   50 was very tough for me last year.   You know what helped me more than anything?   The wonderful birthday post I got here in the forums!  I printed it out and saved it in a folder with all my birthday cards.

The bad news is, it's no cuter on this side of 50.   The good news is, it's really not that much different.

Before we went to Montreal, I ordered this stuff from QVC called "Genie" that was a "face lift in a bottle"....no one noticed.  All it did was made me afraid to smile real big, for fear of 'cracking' my face.....To me you look great, I love you just exactly the way you are.


PS - don't DARE spoil it by telling anyone the date, I have a special announcement planned for you...... ;)
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #15 on: May 21, 2007, 05:39:07 PM »
Happy Birthday RAB!


Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #16 on: May 21, 2007, 05:53:45 PM »
Eh, fifty, schmifty. Love you at any age RAB.  :-*

Fifty hugs,
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline bear60

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #17 on: May 21, 2007, 07:21:01 PM »
My friend, 50 is a big milestone on the road to where ever it is we are all going.  My 50th was WAY harder than my 60th for some reason.  Perhaps because at 50 I had not yet accepted that some of those dreams and aspirations were never going to be realized.  I think at some point I realized that what I had to do, even if it does not sound right, was accept that I wasnt all that I thought I would be when I was 20. Never would be, never will be. Its just the way it its.  The only thing I fear now is becoming a bitter old man.  I still have a youthful outlook and can give those young guys a run for their money if I want to.
Well on that note...Happy Birthday.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Jody

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #18 on: May 21, 2007, 07:40:50 PM »
Dear Rab...You're the best looking 50 I've seen!!!  And that includes me -LOL.

And you are such a valuable member of these forums, no one has ever had a bad word to say about you - and if they did I'd punch them - well at least a little slap on the tush!!!

Keep on truckin' dear friend.

Jody  ;D
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #19 on: May 21, 2007, 09:22:58 PM »
Rab, Happy Birthday...  Your kewl...  Quit assigning value to a bullshit number...  ;D



Offline RapidRod

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2007, 10:18:16 PM »
Eric, Rocky deserves that big 50. I'm just amazed that he's got that far without his better half killing him. You want to hear him scream, wait tell he gets mail for him to sign up for AARP.. :D

Offline aztecan

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  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2007, 10:56:41 PM »
Well, guys and gals, I hate burst your bubble, but I already started getting AARP mail!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[

I just don't understand it!!!! I am WEEKS younger than RAB!  >:( >:(

OK, so maybe I don't look it, but I am!!! Some of us have good genes, or is that jeans?

I've see RAB in his speedos and, folks, I gotta tell ya, he could give the pope a wet dream.

Oh, and Alan, I didn't think you needed the face lift stuff. You don't look a day over 39 in person.

YIKES!!! Just saw my reflection in a mirror.

Gotta go. It's time for my bath in Oil of Delay, followed by the goat cheese and cucumber eyelift and, of course the Turtle Wax for the head (on my shoulder's, you naughty people).


Mark (the decrepit)
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline RapidRod

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #22 on: May 22, 2007, 12:00:54 AM »
Mark, I've been getting it for two years.  ;) (that's AARP mail)
« Last Edit: May 22, 2007, 12:02:54 AM by RapidRod »

Offline Robert

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #23 on: May 22, 2007, 12:29:16 AM »

Let me tell you what I did when I turned 50.  It took me a whole year to celebrate.  I like the idea that when you turn a year older, it's the year you celebrate, not the day.  So make sure you treat yourself right for the whole year.  With that in mind, you and Mark are in for a special treat come this Sept in San Francisco.

Alan, is there anyone else turning 50 this year from AM?  ARe they going to be in SF?  I wish I had known you turned the big 50 last year.  Well looking back, maybe I did when I gave you that paper back edition of To Kill A Mockingbird.  Who knew?

« Last Edit: May 22, 2007, 12:30:52 AM by Robert »

Offline Lou-ah-vull

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #24 on: May 22, 2007, 01:16:19 AM »

I turned 50 in December, 2005 just a few months after the HIV diagnosis.  There are some benefits:

Eligibility for AARP.  I have been able to purchase low cost term life insurance with no medical exam and automatic eligibility.  Same with extended hospitalization.  I have also used their hotel discounts.  All this for less than $30 a year for membership. 

You are still not yet a senior citizen, but you can take Centrum Silver (pretty good mulltvitamin.)

Bourbon still tastes good!

Think of all you have already accomplished, and yes, like AlanBama says, the "greetings" from here when they post your birthday thread are nice.

Take it from someone who knows.... 50 is OK!

Gary  :D
Diagnosed Oct. 2005
10/05:  367 (26.2%), 24556 VL
01/06:  344 (24.6%), 86299 VL
04/06:  374 (22.0%), 87657 VL
05/06:  Began HAART 05/15/06, Combivir/Kaletra
07/06:  361 (27.8%), 1299 VL
10/06:  454 (32.4%), 55 VL
01/07:  499 (38.4%), UD
02/07:  Switched to Atripla 2/8/07
04/07:  566 (37.7%), UD
08/07:  761 (42.3%), UD
06/08:  659 (47.1%), UD
01/09:  613 (43.8%), UD
07/09:  616 (47.4%), UD
01/10:  530 (44.2%), UD
07/10:  636 (48.9%), UD
01/11:  627 (48.2%), UD
07/11:  840 (52.5%), UD
01/12:  920 (51.1%), UD
07/12:  857 (50.4%), 40
10/12:  UD
01/13:  710 (47.3%), UD
07/13:  886 (49.2%), UD
01/14:  985 (46.9%), UD
06/14:  823 (47.2%), UD
01/15: 1366 (45.2%), UD
07/15: 1134 (50.7%), UD
02/16: 1043 (55.1%), UD
08/16:  746  (55.4%), UD
08/16:  Switch from Atripla to Genvoya

Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #25 on: May 22, 2007, 07:44:39 AM »

You young Fart !!!  ;)  I hear you though... 50 didn't bother me as much as 55 did.

Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 65 years young.

Offline RAB

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #26 on: May 22, 2007, 09:03:36 AM »

I'm obviously in the middle of either a bonafide "midlife crisis" (if there is such a thing) or I'm throwing myself the biggest pity party I have ever thrown.

Either way it is fruitless and can get unhealthy if I allow myself to stay on the corner of BooHoo Blvd and WaWa Lane for too long. 

Last night DamnFool informed me that if I didn't change my ways and stop this "bullshit" of acting like I'm some kind of old heifer he would start treating me like one.  Something about tieing (sp?) me to a stake in the backyard and leaving me there to fend for myself.

To all of you, you've done your good deeds for the week by posting here, it definitely lifted my spirits.  Thanks!


(Who got his darn AARP mailer two weeks ago and suspects that may have been what triggered all this stupidity.  But still 50 is 50 and he don't like it!)

Offline RapidRod

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #27 on: May 22, 2007, 10:05:05 AM »
Rab, even ole heifers liked being milked too.  :D

Offline penguin

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #28 on: May 22, 2007, 11:33:47 AM »
saw a card with this on the front, thought of you mr rab..

Birthdays are good for you - statistics prove that people who have more live longer

Indeed :) - Kate

Offline sweetasmeli

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #29 on: May 22, 2007, 04:35:18 PM »
Will it help cheer you up if I tell you I'm coming to the AMG?

/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline bimazek

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #30 on: May 22, 2007, 07:08:24 PM »

The only solution I know of for what you are describing is Zen Meditation and then you will be in touch again with
the source why you are here, some yoga groups might give almost the same effect.

What I hear is the classic Dust on the mirror analogy - in zen

that living causes dust to accumulate on the mirror of coucsousness and this causes things to leek and feel dull

but you can see zen masters who are 89 and still very pert up alive and in the moment

i had the fortune or misfortune to go thru what you did in 1985

zen is answer, meditation answer to issue you are talking about

if zen is too eastern then try any of the christian orders spend a week or a month with those brown robed christian monks who sit silently

Offline anniebc

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #31 on: May 22, 2007, 07:17:13 PM »
Oh Pleeeze...compared to the 50 year old men I know you are an Adonis..just pick a number you like and stick with it...it works for me... ;)

Jan :-*
(who thinks 40 has a nice ring to it)
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2007, 06:03:12 AM »
I'm also struggling with 50(in a few weeks) I don't know why, but it's weird! I feel your pain!
Positive since 1985

Offline Cliff

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2007, 09:10:38 AM »
You've seen and done a lot, and yet the best is still ahead of ya....ummm, like dropping down Manhattans in SFO or losing loads of cash in LAS!

Congratulations of making it to 50.  I'm sure in a few months time, you'll be wondering why the hell you dreaded this bday so much.


Offline megasept

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  • Steven here...
Re: 50! Not Joining the Pity Party!
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2007, 02:35:50 PM »
My 50th birthday is approaching and I am NOT dealing with it very well.  Not at all well. 

I've lived with HIV for nearly half my life (infected in 83, tested in 85), so you'd think I'd have a better perspective on this than I do.  But for some reason this birthday is really bothering me

RAB, et. al.: Am I the only infected guy here WHO LOOKED FORWARD TO TURNING 50? "Autumn of life"? %#@&#% THAT! I didn't expect to turn 40. I recently made 50. I will be starting a new job soon, and have other irons in the fire.

Youth culture has so polluted our minds that we actually believe it's awful just being older. I walk like a young man because I feel no need to slow down. I don't hide the grey or the wrinkles. I don't try to be anything I am not.

The only way to avoid getting old is die young! No thanks! COUNT ME OUT OF THIS PITY PARTY!  >:( 
 8)  -megasept
« Last Edit: May 23, 2007, 02:38:17 PM by megasept »

Offline Blixer

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Re: 50! CRUM!
« Reply #35 on: May 23, 2007, 04:16:05 PM »
Happy Birthday RAB!  I would echo what numerous others have said!  I do understand the "loss of youth" feeling.  Sometimes you look back and realize that a chunk of your life has gone by.  But there is still a chunk left.  And you are so much wiser now.  I'm looking forward to meeting you in San Fran in Sept.  From some of the comments here I'm sure you can still turn some heads in a major way!   ;D
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40


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