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Author Topic: Anger!  (Read 4418 times)

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Offline Teresa

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  • Posts: 1,754
« on: June 26, 2006, 01:00:00 PM »
I have been dealing with hubby being HIV+ since May 5 of this yr. I have tried to be strong for him. I only cry now when hes not around. You would think I would have run out of tears by now. I have done the feeling sorry for myself..feeling sorry for him..feeling sorry for us...but over the weekend i dont know what happened.. i got mad. It was like an uncontrollable anger. I wasnt really mad at hubby but he felt the wrath of it. I was yelling and crying and I screamed God damnit and hit my computer desk with my fist. Things went flying off my desk and that sorta brought me back from my insane fit.

I dont know what brought it on. Hubby goes wednesday for his first set of blood work since starting his meds and while hes getting that done they are going to do another HIV test on me. Im fairly certain that i was in the 13 week window of the last time we had sex with no condom but the dr thinks i should be tested again to make sure. Im ok with that. I want to know for sure and im not stressing like i did the first time.

Maybe i need to get counseling...maybe im not handling this as good as i thought.
I felt so bad for going off like that in front of hubby.
I have never felt such anger and rage before...it really scared me.

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,389
  • Member 2005
Re: Anger!
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2006, 01:17:32 PM »
Hi Teresa... Anger is part of our mental make up... Nothing to be worried about.  But, you know.. You can be supporting and loving and caring and all those things that make up a relationship, but, in the end, you have absolutely know control over your husbands action in how he deals with them.  I know from experience about my husband being supporting loving and caring about my dealings with being pos (my hubs pos to).  I have found that this outlet (aidsmeds) has given him some breathing time and he is so supportive of me coming here and finding some answers and good ideas that I take back into my relationship with my husband...   Remember, you can do everything under the sun and still his outlook maybe a bit different.   Open up more communication lines with him.   Or, stand back a bit and let him make some decisions and I would bet, he will start approaching you on his feelings.  But whatever you do, if you feel a wall going up,  stop it immediately.  Its harder to tear them down once they are up..

« Last Edit: June 26, 2006, 01:19:33 PM by Eric »

Offline Moffie65

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  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Anger!
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2006, 01:22:31 PM »


Who the hell do you think you are?  .....   ....  "Wonder Woman!"     Geeeze Louise....... give yourself a  break. You guys have only been dealing with this for barely two months, and this is your first Anger event.  Not bad, I would say.  

Teresa, you have been more than a hero in my estimation, and the fact that you didn't go screaming from the room when you found out your hubby was infected, speaks volumes about your strong nature, and your desire to deal with this head-on.  Gee girlfriend, do I have to come over there to Texas and read you the riot act.  You are doing more than fine with the way you have handled your situation in the last month or two.  So, now it is time to clean up that damn computer desk and find out what all those little pieces were that flew all over the room when you blew a fuse.  Hey girl, it is just Goddesses way of telling you that it was time to clean up the desk.  ;D

All kidding aside.  It is now time for one of my women rants, which I have not done in a year or so, and I think I will do it with a new thread so that all of the women can see it.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Teresa

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Re: Anger!
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2006, 01:56:42 PM »
Moffie...If you gonna read me the riot act in Texas you better speak loud cause im in Kansas..LOL

You know just the right things to say to me. I have never busted out laughing and crying at the same time but I did when i read your post.

I feel so much better Moffie and its all because of you! I may be going to Phoenix next month to visit my neice who just moved there. I might just kidnap you and bring you back to Kansas with me..at least till its time for your Montreal trip.

Hugs & kisses

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Anger!
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2006, 03:31:22 PM »

We all go through a grieving process when hiv comes on the scene. Anger is one of the accepted stages of that grieving. It's normal, it's natural and it's nothing to be ashamed or worried about. None of the stages are. They only become a problem when you get stuck in one of them.

The best way to not get stuck is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. It might help you to sit down and list the ways you're feeling and why. Kinda like this -

I feel angry because of this.
I feel angry because of that.
I feel angry because of the other.
I feel angry when this happens.
I feel angry when that happens.
I feel angry when I think of this.
I feel angry when I think of that.

It's ok to feel angry sometimes - it's what we do with emotions that counts.

By the way, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages to grief. They don't only apply to situations where there has been a death, they apply to any situation where there has been a significant loss. We do experience loss with an hiv diagnosis - loss of health, loss of dreams, loss of self-image... the list goes on. You won't necessarily experience them in this order and you can move between the stages as well, going through some of them more than once. The five stages of grief are:

Denial and Isolation.




Aside from Kubler-Ross's book "On Death and Dying", she also wrote a book called "Life Lessons: How Our Morality Can Teach Us About Life and Living." I found it to be a very helpful book, you might too.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline CalvinC

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  • Posts: 159
Re: Anger!
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2006, 04:02:34 PM »
Moffie and Ann sure posted it right!!

Theresa, good on you that you got angry and banged something. Good. When I ran into my ex last week in the department store, after he left I picked up a box containing underwear (we were in the men's section) and I threw it. And didn't pick it up. My friend who was with me said, "I hope you don't get arrested for throwing underwear around the department store."   ;)

That you expressed yourself forcefully is fine, though, only if you follow it up and explain yourself to your partner. Otherwise, you won't understand yourself.


Offline Christine

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Re: Anger!
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2006, 04:21:11 PM »
Anger is normal. I have had my fair share of ranting, screaming, and yelling fits. I literally hid inside my bedroom closest on a few occasions to afraid, and mad to face the world.

Finding out you or a loved one is + is like mourning the death of your past life. One goes through a lot of the same steps in dealing with grief-(Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)

If you are angry now, then be angry. Let your husband be angry. I know I take out a lot of my anger on my husband just because he is there. I am not angry at him, but at the situation, but he gets the brunt of it sometimes. I started going to a therapist who deals with chronic illness three years ago, and it has helped a great deal. I wish I had gone earlier in my diagnosis.
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline Eldon

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  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Anger!
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2006, 06:35:10 PM »
I agree 100% with Ann. She is right on the money.

Offline Oceanbeach

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  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Anger!
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2006, 09:14:38 PM »
Dear Teresa,

I just had another "public" display of having a fit this afternoon and it has been 10 years of AIDS, just last weekend. I have been going ballistic in every Commission meeting and every sub-committee meeting, with special intensity in Combined Committee meetings, since the Funding Allocation Working Group began.

I have issues over funding for services because since my AIDS diagnosis, everything I had worked for was being taken away.  The most recent is of course the probable reduction in health benefits, needed services, and virtually everything funded with federal monies.  The proposed new legislation for the RWCA is mired in legislative language with no apparent hope for funding amounts.  Medicare Part D is equally an issue.  Our Funding Group is looking toward HOPWA funds to pay Case Management and Case Management has a keen eye on the possible funding for Community Re-Connect Services. 

Those funds if granted come from the NIH and through our State University, the ASO has no history or any proven interest in helping establish such programs.  But, however, if they can add Re-Connect to their portfolio of services, They will have more money to spend, the level of services will remain the same.  The ASO has yet to take any client to self-sufficiency.  Those are my issues.

You have taken on so much responsibility to keep yourself and your husband informed so you can make the right decisions when the time comes.  For you it has not even been two full months yet and there is so much to absorb, it is very frustrating, it is OK to hit a desk or some other object.  We all need to be able to make future plans based on current information.  The group of companies which I love to refer to as AIDS Inc. have a long running mind-set on providing care but little training on helping those of us who are "high-functioning" to retrive the life we once had or any facimile there of.  Lets make a deal, we live in different time zones and we have a two hour time difference.  At 9:PM and 11:PM, lets both hit something real hard.  If another person who is feeling frustration can join us, we will have started a movement.  Have the best day

« Last Edit: June 26, 2006, 09:18:17 PM by Sonomabeach »

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 6,174
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Anger!
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2006, 12:45:40 AM »
Hi Teresa

Anger is an emotion that most people go through when they are dealing with a life changing situation...anger is normal.
No matter how bad things may seem you will be able to deal with this as long as you have a strong support group...and you certainly have that here, you don't need to go through this on your own, but I think you already know that, the more help you have the better.
For what it's worth I think you are an amazing women.. you have shown nothing but love and support for your husband...he is a lucky man.

Thinking of you...and remember it really is ok to get angry.

Jan :)
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.


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