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Author Topic: boyfriend issues  (Read 9048 times)

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Offline morethanpoz28

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
boyfriend issues
« on: April 21, 2007, 08:53:20 PM »
Hi everyone,

I was diagnosed January of this year and have been reeling for the past 3+ months.  My long term partner was diagnosed at the same time.  He apparently had been infected for quite some time since shortly after his diagnosis he developed PCP and his T-cell count was 187 or so.  Anyway, we are still together but we are having some "issues."  I find myself so angry with him, I think I am finally tapping into my anger toward him for infecting me.  We have been together off and on for 7 years or so.  We were tested at the beginning of our relationship and were both negative.  At every reconciliation we discussed outside partners and he claims he was with no one else and I had not been yet he has AIDS and now I am infected.  I am sniping at him for all sorts of things now and I recently told him I thought we should get some couples counseling which he (surprisingly) agreed to.  I know it is most likely that he engaged in some sort of sexual relationship with someone and frankly I just want him to tell me the truth.  If he did have sex with someone during our "break" periods how I can be upset, I just want him to tell me the truth. He swears up and down that it has only been me but whatever.  I am venting I guess.  Unfortunately there are no easy solutions.  We had been talking marriage prior to finding out our status.  He wants to marry me and I know he loves me and did not infect me on purpose.  But if he exposed me without full disclosure (i.e., had sex with someone else) then I am not sure what that will mean for our relationship.  If he really did not have sex with anyone else then I am not sure I will ever believe him so the poor guy is probably in a no win situation.  I know it shouldn't matter how I got this virus but it does.  I still love him but I hate him too.  As I have to deal with fears about meds and changes in my body and all this acne I keep having now(btw what is that about!), I get angrier and angrier.  All the old issues are also coming up and we are being forced to deal with them.  The one good thing is that we do talk more and he has opened up about some things that he never had before and he is willing to go to counseling.  Sigh....I hate this damn virus.
Diagnosed 1/16/07
1st Lab 1/18/07 CD4 443; 37%; VL 660
2nd Lab 4/3/07 CD4 306; 28%; VL 1300
Retest 4/16/07 CD4 425; ?%; VL ?

Offline momoftwo

  • Member
  • Posts: 78
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2007, 10:40:29 PM »
Hmm when I found out I was positive I told my fiance that I did not care who gave it to who just that we would be able to get through this. So far he has tested negative although he goes for another test this week. You are lucky that he wants to go to counseling. That is a huge step forward in your lives. Being HIV positive is stressful enough without adding a relationship into the mix!

Offline Dragonette

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Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2007, 08:38:38 AM »
I can only empathize with you and tell you 2 stories from my own life that only you can know how or if they are relevant:

This is the first story: I don't know to this day how I was infected and it often bugs the hell out of me, to the point that i wanted to investigate a clinic that I had an abortion in years ago. As far as I know none of the 3 men i had (occasional) unprotected sex with are positive. I do have an ex who has been diagnosed positive, we have NEVER had unprotected sex, I have never let him come in my mouth, he thinks that i infected him which is probabaly true because according to the doctors I have had this for years before we met most probabaly. But since we never had unprotceted sex, the only way I could have infected him was when he was giving me oral. Unlikely, but neither is it likely that I have been infected from giving him oral without ejaculation but these are the only 2 options we have. So both of us have to live with the knowledge that we may have infected or been infected by each other which is very strange. But since we have always been honest and did our best to practice safe sex, we don't resent each other. The sad thing is that he is dying, not from HIV but from complications of malaria, in another country while I am prospering in another with a wonderful partner right now. But he wishes me all the best and I will always love him and wish him well, despite not knowing, again, because of the good will and honesty.

The second story: after I was diagnosis I got immedietaly dumped by a then-BF (who was not infected; safe sex was a way of life for me for many many years). I met a positive man online from where I live, we started as friends, he was deeply closeted about his status, divorced, single. I asked him as a friend, many times, if he was bisexual. He swore that he didn't know how he was infected and that he wasn't. I wouldn't have minded if he was! we even watched Brokeback mountain together when it just came out, you know, those cowboys living a double life, and he said nothing, and one day I found an email password he used while I used his computer, by pure accident, which left no doubt to the fact that he was having sex with men. when i confronted him, he cried. i was the only person in the whole world who knew that he was having long term serious relationships with women and casual hookups with men. And even then I stayed, I just grilled him about who he was having sex with before me because my CDs were around 100 and I was deathly afraid of HPV which condoms don't protect from and he swore he was tested for all STDs and since then did not have sex for a year, but I found out he had sex with a woman he met online during that year and then i got fed up and left.

So you see these are 2 stories in which distrust and lack of information are involved but with very different outcomes, and I think, you are the only one who knows how and what you feel about the man who (possibly, probabaly) infected you, and if you love him and think you can have a happy life together, you have to start witha clean slate, get the truth in the open, and handle it, like I did with my ex (although we were not able to determine the truth nor stayed together but we retained the good feelings towards each other). If you "smell" something that you can't define though and if you think that there is still dishonesty going on, I guess you will not be able to live with that long term.

I wish you all the love you deserve,
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline IzPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2007, 11:49:10 AM »
It's a difficult situation you are in.  I was tested as a result of my husband's surprise diagnosis back in 94. He was already in the advanced stages of AIDS at his diagnosis, and I was just HIV+.  In all likelihood, he infected me, unknowingly.  However, because of our love for each other, I found that I didn't resent him, nor was I angry with him.  He simply did not know he was infected.

It's something that truly is so inconsequential, that you have to overlook who infected whom, and move on to how to cope and live a normal life.  Don't worry about who he slept with while you were apart, it's obvious he doesn't want to bring that up.  Perhaps he's embarrassed, or worried that you will leave him if he tells you he was with other women during the separations.

So, you need to decide if you are going to continue being angry with him, or if you are going to accept what happened, and move forward to how to cope together.  Being angry with him won't solve your problems, and it won't make you feel any better, and even moreso, it won't change what has happened.

Honestly, does it make you feel better to harbor anger?  I'm guessing it doesn't.  Why not take up a workout or exercise routine?  This will help you release your pent up frustrations.

Good luck, and hopefully you find a happy medium somewhere.
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline morethanpoz28

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2007, 03:54:31 PM »
Thanks for your replies.  I am struggling with trust issues I guess.  I can handle and move past this if I feel am being told the truth.  So much has happened and come out over the past few months--things that he should have told me and did not so I think my need for full disclosure stems largely from previous trust issues. This is so hard---hopefully if we can go to counseling things may begin to come out and be addressed.  I do love him but it isn't so easy to just let things go--especially something as consequential as being infected with HIV.  Again i don't blame him or think e did this intentionally--I have a measure of responsibility as well but I also believe I deserve the truth.  Thanks again.
Diagnosed 1/16/07
1st Lab 1/18/07 CD4 443; 37%; VL 660
2nd Lab 4/3/07 CD4 306; 28%; VL 1300
Retest 4/16/07 CD4 425; ?%; VL ?

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,785
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2007, 05:45:38 PM »
Well, this is a hard one.  I think couples counseling is an excellent idea.  Too often we believe that if we are thruthful, whomever we are truthful with will leave us.  My first husband died when I was in treatment in 1988, and that is when I tested positive.  Had he lived, and agreed to counseling, we would still probably be together.  It wasn't ever  important to me who he was having sex with when we were separated. I miss him terribly.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, if it's worth it, it will work if you both work AT it.  Don't let a good thing go because of insecure-dness.  If you do, there could come a day that you'll be wondering why.  Good luck and let us know how things are going! ;D
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline tigger2376

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  • Posts: 462
  • too bad to die youngish!
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #6 on: April 22, 2007, 08:00:19 PM »
I think your'e ALLOWED to be angry!! BUT channelling it all towards your partner is (although understandable perhaps), destructive. Sorry to be so blunt but you say you love each other, and were considering marriage before diagnosis. all that has changed is the virus, you are still basically the same people. Blame will only tear you apart, and you need each other so much right now. I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic, I'm really not, in fact I feel for you. I'd just hate to see HIV 'win' again....babe, we all fight this bastard every day, don't let it tear you two apart. you have enough to deal with.
anything we can help with, we are here, if you want a good rant, go ahead
I'm so sorry this is hurting and confusing you so much
take care of yourself, (and him)
Good luck, and LOADS of hugs
I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!


  • Guest
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2007, 05:52:24 AM »
i agree that you go for counselling and let the anger out once and for all and try to move on with life.  u guys need each other and i really hope u can work past the anger and the bitterness and get to trust each other again and make a go of things.  at least you have someone who's going to be with you. i hope he will tell u the truth soon as this is eating you up so much.  i imagine its not easy telling a partner of other partners and its worse when one of those partners infected you. good luck.

Offline queenie

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2007, 06:32:18 AM »
how do u know it was laying dormant in you. and u possible infected him.
how can u punish someone for something you do know.
why would you stay and punish someone you love, because you are unsure
or if he i think u said, is still messing around on you. what was your t count

Offline remo2008

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2007, 11:11:02 AM »
Interesting posts, the person whom infected me, knew they had it, intentionally hid this fact from me. I am not bitter or angry, do not blame anyone, I was well aware of the risks of unprotected sex, anyone who has unprotected sex and does not accept the fact they had control is just living in denial.., yes I felt angry at the person, but did not seek legal retribution as I could have, just chalked it up too my own stupidity which is ultimately where it all falls..., I could have demanded using condoms, but did not, so whom do I ultimately have too blame? I blame my own stupidity, and too expect anyone else too protect us is foolishness...! Anger eats up the one who feels the anger and does not real harm too the one your angry at..! And the old saying of vengence is a bitter pill is true..! It might make you feel good for a time, but it never solves the thing that caused you too seek the vengence..! CDC says 1% of americans are HIV+ and of this 300 million plus americans that would translate too 3 million, and only 1.9 million have been diagnosed too date, that means 1.1 million are walking undiagnosed cases today...! And everyone of these 1.1 million is having sex daily or on some regular basis..! Imagine how many they have infected which cannot relate too any CDC guess which is all their 1% statistic is! No one really nows the real infection rate, since in NYC they have a city infection rate of 10%, which is 9% higher than the CDC national level, and in Washington DC, they have a even higher percentage rate, my guess is the government is likley hiding the real infection rates too cut down on fear on something they cannot fix, or control...! If international rates of infection run from a low of 5% too a high of 30% one can truly believe the NYC statistic might be the reality of USA...! Even if one goes on the low 5% level that would translate too 15 million potential HIV+ with only 1.9 million diagnosed would mean 13.1 million undiagnosed, and thats a huge possibility, we may be in a larger population than anyone truly realizes..!

Offline nunii

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: boyfriend issues
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2007, 08:53:11 PM »
Well let me tell you how I was in a very simular situation, my BF of 7 yrs swore he was with no one else and that he got infected during a fight!  Well it turned out that he in fact was "dating" other women and the fight never happened, he is a bouncer in our area and so it seemed fesable but as life has it, I ran into a woman he dated and started talking to just by chance waiting for the bus.  She was coming from the doc's office and had just found out, she was so distraught I could not help but offer my help, after she calmed down and we decided to skip our next destinations for coffee and began sharing our war wounds we discovered we were seeing the same man!

We confronted him and the rest as they say is history!

The point I am making is; if you feel it in your heart that he has gone outside the relationship he probably has, and you need to examine the how he got infected, there are limited ways of getting this disease, sex, blood to blood, or injections.

He just did not catch it out of the blue, also if you are positive you have not gone outside the relationship you need to really examine his story, wheather he got it during one of your off times or not he put you at risk because that means he was having unprotected sex, and putting you at risk.  Do you really want to continue to be in a relationship with a person who prefers to be less than honest. The fact is he cheated and you now have to deal with the cheating and the disease double whamy.

Good luck

good luck
« Last Edit: June 26, 2007, 08:55:35 PM by nunii »
every 60 secs of anger are 60 secs lost of happiness


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