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Author Topic: Almost in love with a poz guy  (Read 7208 times)

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Offline worried dfw

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Almost in love with a poz guy
« on: April 19, 2007, 07:56:49 pm »
I hope I don't come off like an ass in this post. It's definitely not my intention.

I've been dating a guy that is poz. As far as I know according to previous tests, I'm not. We first made love a week ago (condoms were used for intercourse, but not for oral). I posted on the "Am I Infected" forums a few days ago. I'm not worried about becoming positive over less than a minute of oral sex. Well, who am I kidding, yes I am. But that's not the point of this post.

Now, I'm falling for him and he is for me, too.

I'll be the first to admit that my worry is totally selfish. I don't want to be HIV positive, but neither does anyone else. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with how I can have a long-term relationship with this guy without being constantly worried that the next time we're in bed, I'll be on my way to seroconverting. That sounds terrible, reading this post over, but I'm just being honest.

Now aside from my own selfishness, how can I help keep the both of us healthy? He goes for certain tests every 4 months (load tests, I don't know the real term) and is currently on Combivir. It's a state-run program he's on which I personally don't like. I'm not in to the government dictating citizen health. However, if I put him on my health insurance, he'll lose all of his benefits which would not be good either.

Again, the idea of being a serodiscordant couple scares me a lot. Reading on the web doesn't help at all. There's a whole bunch of crap out there as to how HIV is transmitted, and the real information is hidden in scientific reports. Of course, as far as science is concerned, it's impossible to prove a negative so there's never any real way to discern that what we're doing is "safe".

The idea of breaking up with him over his being poz is killing me. But so is the idea that I could become poz. Any thoughts on how I can make our relationship easier for the both of us?

Offline milker

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2007, 08:07:42 pm »
Your scares are normal, but there are plenty of serodiscordant couples on here. Do a search for serodiscordant on this site and you will see their stories.

mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

Now accepting applications from blowjob ninjas™

Offline snoofle

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2007, 11:59:27 pm »
hi..im also dating a positive guy for over 3 yrs now..and i didnt know he was positive til december 2006 after his mom died from AIDS and he found out his own status. it has been a constant struggle and i believed i was HIV positive since him and i had unprotected sex for nearly 3 yrs before i even found out about his status..but i thank god i wasnt positive. it is hard and at times i feel really selfish about not wanting to be involved with someone knowing they are sick, but in the end, i think about our good times and how i dont think anyone else could really love me the way he does. you should do what u think is the best, but this could be the best relationship you've ever had =)

Offline kellyspoppi

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2007, 10:19:24 am »
i ditto snoofle on this one. is it fair to assume that the days of spontaneous sex for any of us is over, if we are truly being careful about protecting ourselves from std/hiv transmission? there was a time for many of us long term survivors when that wasn't the case, but today is today, and if you wish to remain free of hiv or any other sexually transmitted disease, you must always use protection.
after my fiance died and i was all alone with my new hiv status i tried to re enter the dating scene thinking i could date anyone i wanted. what i guess i wasn't prepared for was those spontaneous moments when i'd occassionaly hook up with someone who found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me right then and there. at least you know his status already. for those woman, they weren't thinking properly and i had to do some fancy footwork to keep from infecting them. but even after a few of them knew, for whatever the reason, they tried to take chances, all in the name of love. this was back when most folks were dieing of hiv. i'd call it stupidity. once i was subject to joining one of them on their visit to get their test results, i felt a panic i had never experienced before, and choose then, to never have to go through that experience again.
am i telling you to end this relationship before he has to go through that with you.
hell no!
if you love one another, you will do what is necessary to prevent that from happening. if you don't do what is necessary, then you may experience having to go through allot of anquish and uncertainty, and possibly a positive test result, and that may realize your worst fears.
be communicative with one another and talk these things through. if there is trouble communicating these fears, RUN! they must be discussed.
there are other topics on these forums which answer many of your questions. browse your brains out and find a solution which is most comfortable with you.
good luck, and stay safe!

Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2007, 11:37:14 am »
I can totally relate to your fears. I am poz but doesn't want to be in a relationship with a neg person for fear of infecting them, with the use of condoms cause you know condoms can break etc. I am not trying to scare you or anything, just sharing my thoughts from the other side.

If you love this person, then it should be talked about, let this person know your concerns. Just like someone else said, there are plenty of folks on here that are in +/- relationships, and they make it work. Search around for some of their posts. I wish there was more I could tell you but I hope you discuss it with your partner, good luck and keep us posted.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline Teresa

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2007, 12:01:25 am »

My hubby is positive and I'm negative. It has almost been a year since we found out. We had been married almost 4 years when we found out. We had used condoms for birth control but did other things that are risky before we found out. The Dr's think he had been HIV+ for several years before we got together because of his low CD4s and high VL.

Our sex life sure isn't the same as it was before we found out. He was and still is afraid of infecting me. I have to admit it scared me too. It has gotten better with time and I hope it keeps getting better. You have to learn all you can about HIV. How its transmitted, then only do things YOU are comfortable doing. You need to talk to each other about your fears. We also talked to his Dr. and I talked to our case worker while I was waiting for the results on one of my rapid tests. Communication and knowledge of HIV is the most important.

If you haven't read the lessons here I would suggest you do as it really helped me when we first found out. It hasn't been easy but it is getting easier.

I wish you both the best!

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Cerebus

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2007, 08:55:18 am »
Please forgive my bluntness but as in your first sentence about hoping that your not an (ass) about your writing, well you sure are acting like an (ass).
Again please forgive my bluntness, OK.

You must be very young and your passion for sex or for (love) might just lead you into a real dark cave full of plenty of rocks to walk on?
As for your (love) he must be as blind as you by putting you in harms way for the sake of what alittle love making.....your so silly.
This is the pattern that will make life really tough for everyone all around you!
Even though there are plenty of meds. out there you are the best prevention to make sure that this thing called (H.I.V. or A.I.D.S.) does not affect you.
Be of good sense and learn up on what your doing it could cost you more than you can possiblly imagine.
Don't take (things) for granted especially your LIFE!

                                             Goodhealth & Goodsmarts


Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2007, 09:22:06 am »

I certainly hope you do not take the comments of Cerebus to heart.

There is absolutely NO reason why you cannot have a full, loving relationship with your boyfriend. There have been long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

Correct and consistent condom use WILL protect your negative status. There are thousands of couples all around the world who will testify to that fact.

As far as not being able to prove a negative result, as long as the negative result is obtained three months after your last incident of unprotected intercourse, you an rely on it. My own partner and I are in a serodiscordant relationship. As the years when by and he collected routine negative hiv tests, we became confident that condoms do work. They can for you too. Make sure you read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use the correctly and with confidence.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline worried dfw

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Re: Almost in love with a poz guy
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2007, 09:28:46 am »

I ignored Cerebus's advice. Their comment was incredibly ignorant and really not worth considering. Equating a relationship with a random roll in the hay is downright silly.

As to the science not being able to prove a negative, what I meant by that was with regards to the risks of unprotected oral sex. Science can only prove when and why something does happen, not why it doesn't. That's why I worry about oral sex since because transmission in that way is so incredibly rare, science can't accurately come up with a definite answer as to the risk level. The best science can do is say "very low" and "negligible".


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