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Author Topic: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!  (Read 4405 times)

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Offline W0rr13ds1ck

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Hi forum people, first of all I want to say thanks for providing a service such as this, I have read many other inquiries and responses, and they have some what helped. But I have my own problem that I cannot relate to any previous questions.
I am in an utter state of terror and depression and it all revolves around the possibility that I may have given my long term girlfriend soon to be wife HIV.
Approx. 17 weeks ago I made the biggest mistake of my life and absolutely hate myself for letting it happen. I cheated on her while away on work. Here is what happened so you have an idea of the situation.
A friend and I drank way too much and took two unknown girls back to our room. The whole incident happened in one room. I first received oral for approx. 5-10mins from girl #1 and then proceeded to have unprotected sex with her, this lasted a few minutes before I smartened up and put on a condom.  While I was doing this my friend was having unprotected sex with girl #2. 
After a little while, we switched partners. Girl #2 took off my condom and began with oral for a couple of minutes before getting ready for sex. When she took it off, I could not find it again and proceded to have sex with her, anally, unprotected.  This was the biggest mistake of my life and I was so stupid to let it happen.  I ejaculated inside her anus and that ended the sex for me. I continued to perform Oral for a little while and then within an hour I was showered and in bed.
The next day I felt terrible with guilt and was sure I got something, but of course at the time it was just guilt.
I returned home about a week later and continued on with my secret and tried to put it behind me, I am such a horrible person. About 3 Ė 4 weeks later my GF experienced some unusual bleeding between periods and in hindsight I had a foul smell from my penis around the same time. I changed soaps and after a couple of days the smell went away for me. My GF continued to have these symptoms between her next 3 menstrual cycles, at this point I knew something was amiss and that I probably had something to do with it.  I got checked out in secret, I was only checked for Chlamydia and gonorrhea, and I wanted to get checked for everything but was advised that the HIV test would not be absolute until 6 months after exposure.  A week later I got the results, and I was positive for Chlamydia and the reason for my GFís symptoms were clear.
This was a monumental grief stricken moment and I had no idea how I was going to tell her this. I chickened out and pleaded ignorance and after a great deal of pain and argument we actually managed to get by it.  I know not telling her the truth was wrong then, but as I mentioned between the time I caught this infection and the time it was diagnosed, we set a date for a wedding and our life together could not have looked brighter. I knew after that sex incident how guilty, terrible and depressed I felt, that she was the one for me for the rest of my life. I could not stand to bear not having her around, so I lied and we pulled through.
However, she still did not take it easily, as you would expect. In fact she scared me to death about talks of suicide and how this was not supposed to happen to her. She was a virgin before me and we have been together for a long time, she never wanted to deal with this and I think she was very serious about ending it all.  She would not agree to get treatment due to the embarrassment, I essentially found a way to get the antibiotic for her and myself. This was the only way she would take it, I fear that if I didnít manage to get her the drug I would be alone in the world today or dead myself from her ending it herself.
After this whole ordeal, I called my friend whom was with me on the worst night of my life. I told him I had Chlamydia and he should get tested ASAP.  He then disclosed to me that he only had sex with girl #2 three times that evening, whom I had anal intercourse with. I then told him I wore a condom for the most part with Girl #1, so we determined it was girl #2 whom had the infection.
He called me a week later and told me his results were all clear, he had nothing at all.  His test took place almost 3 months after the incident. This baffled us both, we perceived girl #2 to be the cause of my infection. So now, reason says it was girl #1, whom I only had unprotected sex with for approx. 5 minutes before putting on a condom.
After this whole ordeal, my GF suggested I get tested for the rest to make sure everything was clear. I went back to the nurse and got tested for everything except HIV, mainly due to the fact that I was away from home and the results would come in while I was home and I would not be able to access them.  I tested clear on everything else.
Seeing, how the only test I hadnít done yet is the HIV test, I have become extremely paranoid and worried. I feel 99.9% confident I have HIV, and that I have dealt a death sentenced to a totally undeserving person whom I love more then anything else in the world.  I am so scared to go and get tested mainly due to the unknown results.  I donít know what to do. 
As I mentioned above, my GF will end her life if the diagnoses is positive, she almost did for Chlamydia, so am certain she would if I told her she was HIV+.  I am losing every bit of grip I have, I canít sleep well, I hardly eat, and I am constantly questioning my deservingness to live on. 
Neither one of us showed any symptoms that are accustom to HIV during the first stage of infection.  That is until a couple of days ago.  I am away from home with work again, and she went and partied with some friends and got really drunk. The next day she was quite hung-over, but then developed a fever, soar throat, cough, and no appetite. Today was the third day of her being ill and I am losing my mind contributing it to the possible HIV infection I may have given her. Today, her fever has subsided and she seems only to be left with a soar throat, she was using the standard over the counter cold and flu medication to fight off the symptoms.
I am happy that she is starting to feel better, but I am also terrified. I donít know what to do. Like I said, if I get tested, and itís positive, there will be no more life after the diagnoses for either of us. I know she will end her life and I know I will end mine if it came to that. I know a lot of people live with this disease everyday, and work and play as normal, but this wonít be the case for her, she is in med school, she will be a doctor, she will never become a doctor with HIV. I took that from her, I took everything from her, I deserve everything that comes my way and she deserves none of it.
The more I talk and think of it, the more I hate myself and feel I really donít deserve to live anymore.

So here are my questions, any answer would be appreciated:

1.   I had unprotected vaginal sex with girl #1 for a short period of time, I must have caught Chlamydia this way, what are the chances that I have caught HIV as well?
2.   My friend had vaginal sex three times with girl #2 and I had anal sex with her 1 time, he tested clean. What are the chances girl #2 gave me HIV and Chlamydia yet gave him nothing?
3.   Based on my whole ordeal, am I a high risk or low risk, taking into account my friends clean test results and the events that took place?
4.   Seeing how the very first sign of symptoms that are sometimes accustom to HIV only appeared some 17 weeks after the incident, can they be linked to it, or am I being paranoid?
5.   We were both symptomatic for the STI, would this mean symptoms are more likely to appear if HIV were present?

I am so lost, I know I need counseling and outside help, but I cannot go to anyone with this, they will all say the same, just get tested first and then we will deal with the results when we know them.  But how do I get tested when a positive result will guarantee a death or two.  I have read that people live with the disease for 10 years or more without knowing, if this is the case, is it better to live the next ten years in denial then to find the answer and not live at all. We are getting married, so there is no possibility of the disease going any further.
I am just so scared, I have started drafting my Will and preparing for the end, if I decide to get tested. I canít believe what I have done, I am not even close to 30 yet and I am facing death in the eye, worse yet, I threw an innocent into the mix as well.  Results positive or negative, my life is still worthless.
I have been reading numerous posts and questions about people in similar positions as me, and for the most part they are all negative results, and I feel so relieved for them. But it almost seems time for someoneís results to come back positive and I know that it will be me.  My GF and I have always had terrible luck with all types of random things, and more often then not, things never go our way. I am so scared, I have never been so terrified in my life.  I honestly donít care about myself anymore, just her. I hate everything about me for doing this, for putting her in this situation, I canít stand to look at myself.
I donít know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Offline ACinKC

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2007, 03:20:00 PM »
You should be tested for HIV.  You had a risk, but you dont even know if Girl #1 OR 2 was HIV positive.  HIV is fragile and difficult to transmit especially from female to male.

Right now I think it's the guilt that is bothering you the most.  The only way you can know for sure if you have HIV is to test at the appropriate time.  Same with your future wife.  You need to get tested at 3 months.  Which I believe you already are past the 3 month stage so any test result you get will be conclusive.

You may want to seek some counseling for you and your significant other to deal with moving forward and for the guilt that you have. 

And you really need to cool your jets with all the DEATH talk.  It isnt a death sentence and there are Dr's that have HIV. 

"I have read that people live with the disease for 10 years or more without knowing, if this is the case, is it better to live the next ten years in denial then to find the answer and not live at all. We are getting married, so there is no possibility of the disease going any further."

This is WRONG.  You need to test and give her the choice as to whether SHE would like to be treated.  Don't presume to make decisions for anyone.  And as far as the disease going no further, either one of you could stray at anytime as one of you has already so the only way to make sure is to be tested and practice safe sex if you do have it.  You arent "FACING DEATH IN THE EYE", while i understand your fear this is somewhat insulting to those who have lived with HIV and AIDS and have LITERALLY knocked on deaths door and come back.  You dont even have a diagnosis. 

Do yourself a favor and man up and go get tested.  You strayed, it happens, but now you have to deal with the choice you made and that means getting tested.

« Last Edit: March 14, 2007, 03:27:46 PM by ACinKC »
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A

Offline joe07

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2007, 03:26:24 PM »
hi worried,

Andy Velez often says "take a deep breath first...", "relax"...
i think that you really should do. First of all, relax, relax.

Ok, there is an error that you made. I tell you something, humans make errors! So, this error is a consequence of you being a human being. Nobody goes through life without making any errors (what would be the purpose of such a life, anyway ;-)

So, you look back now and don't like what you see. That's good. It shows that you learn from your mistake.

But now, it is about the present and future. You are not satisfied about what you did in your past (1 hour), NOW MAKE SURE that you will be happy about what you do today and in future! My advise is:
- be a man! be tough. stop hiding away. look reality into the eye.
- this mean: get tested for the rest of STDs which you did not test, namely: HIV.
- Really, get that test, and do not try to GUESS your HIV status from symptoms, or from your friends STI status or whatever. Your girlfriend deserves better than that, don't you think.

And you can only win. Your statistical chance of being HIV negative is good. It was only a one-time occurance, and you do not even know the status of the girl(s) !!  So, if this is the case, you can take this as a lesson in love, and remember to not repeat the mistake.

Most importantly: Dismiss the assertion that there could be 1 or 2 deaths because of the whole issue! Fight this feeling of self-destruction! Giving in to this overly dramatic attitude is worse than your giving in to lust 17 weeks ago. See! The past you cannot change, but the future you can.

Remember, a HIV infection is -- already with today's medicaments -- a treatable chronical disease, life expectancy is nearly as good as in normal people. And in 5, 10 years there could easily be a cure. so it would be more than foolish to kill yourself (or to allow your girl to kill herself) just because of this initial shock, this initial shame and fear. I know these feelings, but let me tell you they are wrong. Your responsibility now as your mother's son and your girlfriend's man is to make sure that none of this suicide talk will materialize! Promise it, ok :-)

And remember, as you noticed yourself, most of the people who write here, test in the end negative. So really, stop second guessing your HIV status, walk -- with your head held high -- to your doc or some lab, demand the test, and then things will quickly start to turn for the better! There are even quick tests available where you get the result instantly! I think you should take advantage of mordern technologt! And in general, I think your worst weeks you probably have already behind you - i think it will only get better, especially if you develop the courage to get tested.

best wishes,

Offline ACinKC

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2007, 03:28:48 PM »
joe if you have questions or concerns please feel free to start your own thread, but dont jump into others threads thanks.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A

Offline W0rr13ds1ck

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  • Posts: 5
Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2007, 04:16:56 PM »
Thank you both for the words and encouragement. I have spent days even weeks talking on HIV chats and forums and what the both of you said, has given me the courage to move forward and settle this now.  I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read my story and even more for responding to it.  God bless you both and thank you so much.

To any other readers, further replies would be appreciated.

Thank you again, I will do my test tomorrow, unfortunately they only have the "snail" test here, so I am sure I will be a wreck for another week or two before the results come. But I am glad now I am going. In fact after posting this and furthering my research, I have come to accept the fact that I will be OK if I am positive, in fact I am preparing myself for this outcome.
If this proves to be the case, I hope my GF will let me be there for her, even though this is all my fault. She does not have the family support that I do and I know our chances of getting through it will be so much better if we did it as a team.  First we will have to get by the infidelity.
As I mentioned, I am just so concerned for her, if I am positive, which I think I am, I only pray that she somehow avoided it from me and can leave me to live a better life.

Thank you again for your kind replies.  I hate myself right now, and I think I will for sometime, but my main concern is not me, its her. I will test for her.

Offline Ann

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2007, 04:30:37 PM »

Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus and more so from a woman to a man. While you did have a risk and you do need to test, the odds of collecting a negative result are definitely in your favour.

You say you are worried about infecting your girlfriend, but unless the two of you have tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections and received negative results TOGETHER, you should be using condoms with her. It's not just sex workers or randon women who might be infected with hiv - anyone who has ever had unprotected intercourse with anyone is potentially at risk.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL STIs together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with a sexually transmitted infection. Sex with a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

You need to start using condoms with your girlfriend until such time as you have BOTH had an all clear for hiv and other STIs. It doesn't matter what YOUR test result comes back as, you need to be using condoms with your girlfriend until she has also been tested. Just because you've been having intercourse with her doesn't meant she wasn't already infected before you two got together. My partner and I were together for a year and a half before I discovered my hiv positive status and he is still hiv negative eight years later. We DO use condoms now, but we didn't before we learned my status.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline W0rr13ds1ck

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2007, 11:09:50 AM »
Thank you for the reply Ann, I am still very worried. I have myself convinced that I have become infected though. Everything seems to point to a positive result.  I am been trying to get tested periodically over the past week and everything is working against me. I am in a small town and everytime I go the one and only clinic here I get turned away because they appointments are full or they werent taking walkins or operating at that time.
I know it sounds silly, but I understand the way my life had progressed over the years and this always happens before I get bad news or undesirable actions.
I went last Friday, they had no room and could not get me in.
I went again on Monday to no avail, they said Thursday would work.
I just went this morning and they told me that the clinic wont start until after lunch.

I know I am reading too much into this but I am really freaked out, I am so sure I have it.

Before this whole ordeal, I must say that I was not relgious and often questioned its validity and for that I feel even worse.  I have started to read more about religion and have asked God to give me the strength to get through this whatever the outcome. I pray constantly for the health of my GF, I honestly dont care if I die of Aids next year, as long as my GF can walk away from this with at most a broken heart and a bad taste in her mouth about me. 
Last night, I felt somewhat better, I think God may have been there for me, I think he may have given me a little more strength when I needed him the most. I know to turn to religion at a time like this and ignore it before hand is probably not the best way to make the move, but I honestly believe that I got a little help from somthing that made me feel a little better last night.

Anyway, I just wanted to come on here and say thanks to those who posted.

I would like to ask any and all of you that read this post, to please pray for my GF and that she was not given this disease but a worthless degenerate like me. She is so undeserving of this and I know I will probably burn in hell when I die for bringing this onto her, whether she has it or not, but I can live with that, I deserve it.

So please remember her in your prayers and maybe she can get through this without incident.

Well i am starting to ramble on, I just trying to make the hours go by quicker so that I can get this test done and find out what fate has in store for me.

Thank you all

Offline ACinKC

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2007, 11:17:58 AM »
Please save the drama and just go get tested.  Schedule the appointment with your regular doctor if you must.  Dont create excuses not to get seen, you can always find a way to get tested.

You cant "KNOW" that you have it based on what you have told us.  The odds are in your favor that you DONT have it as a matter of fact.  So please, GO TEST.  And get some help to deal with the guilt you have, that wont get better on its own and its certainly no way to start out a marriage.
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A

Offline W0rr13ds1ck

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  • Posts: 5
Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2007, 11:23:56 AM »
Thank you ACinKC, I really appreciate your advice and words of incouragment on a negative status outcome. I will get get tested this afternoon, unfortunately I am in a small town on business so I do not have a Doctor here, so this is my only option for testing. Too bad my country does not do the rapid tests, I really wish they would. I will have to wait another 2 weeks before the results will be in. I will try to hold it together and make it through.

Thanks again

Offline W0rr13ds1ck

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2007, 08:56:33 PM »
So after a great deal of turmoil and torment, I finally got in today to get tested. I waited in the waiting room what seemed to be forever, but was probably only 10 mins and then my name was finally called to go in with the nurse. I had to walk right by the door to go to the examination room and bolting for the exit was lingering in my mind, but I knew I had to do this, I had to know for sure what the future had in store for me.

Once inside the room, the nurse told me to have a seat and asked how I was feeling, which I immediately replied "not very good". I then proceded to tell her about my worries with a possible HIV infection and how it took every once of me just to walk through the front door of the building to come and submit for a test.

She then pulled my file, I had tested for everything at the clinic and had an open file with the nurse.  She looked through and seemed puzzled, and so was I. For some reason in my file under the list of tests performed on my last sample was HIV, and the result printed next to it was even more a shock, Negative.  She then asked why I was worried seeing how I only tested negative last month?  I told her that when I was in last month I did not request an HIV test and did not know I had one done. I asked for everything else but HIV due to fear and not being able to immediatley retreive the results when they would be available. They dont tell over the phone and I didnt want to have to deal with my fate being in a folder that I could not get to for another couple of weeks.

Then whated seemed funny and unnecessary to me, was that she apologized for my sample being tested. I immediately responded with a "no problem, this was the best mistake in my life".  I know if the result was different I would have probaby died of shock right then and there, but for some reason someone was looking out for me and removed the possibility of another 2 weeks suffering waiting for the results.

Well that is my story and how it unfolded, it was odd yet revitalizing. I am happy that I tested negative and can now learn a very hard yet valuable lesson from this whole experience. I would like to thank all those that provided me with the courage to go into the clinic today and submit to a test today, even though as fate would have it, I would not require one.

One more question, I was adding up on the calender the time between incident and test, and it is just shy of 15 weeks, I think but would like to reaffirm that my test can be taken as conclusive, am I right to assume so?

Well thank you all again and especially to those that have been affected by this disease and thier beyond humanlike courage to continue to help and educate the rest of us, you are all truly insporational and pillars of what the human character can be defined as.  I have a no found knoweledge and appreciation for life that I think could have only been acheived by such a terrifing experience.

Thank you all again and god bless you all.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: I am losing my mind, please read, its long but advice needed!
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2007, 09:31:48 PM »
Depending where you are located, a 12 or 13 week test is conclusive. You're negative.


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