Day 1, Long Read

[WindySkies]

So for the last 10 years or so, every hobby I have had, or interest I have had has always led me to joining a web forum that revolves around that topic.  They are always full of knowledgeable and friendly people willing to help out complete strangers sitting on the other side of a computer screen.

Yesterday I found out that I was HIV+.  About 2 weeks ago I got a call from the local health office letting me know that someone I had recently had sex with tested positive for Syphilis and that I needed to go in to get tested.  They drew blood and gave me a shot of biclilin just in case.  Along with he Syphilis test they said they would also run an HIV test.

Yesterday they finally called me to go in to get my results.  So I headed down there and the counselor sat me down and told me the Syphilis came back negative, but the HIV came back positive.  I think she may have thought I already knew, so she was kind of nonchalant about it.  She figured out I was hearing it for the first time and apologized for not being more tactful.  She asked me about my sexual history and discussed a bunch of stuff with me.  The last thing they did was to take 5 vials of blood so that they could run some tests to get my levels.  I go back in a week to get the results and then I'll go see a private doctor so that we can discuss the results and lay out a plan.

So the first thing I did when I got home was to go search out a good HIV+ forum, and here I am.  While I was waiting for my account to get approved yesterday I spent the entire afternoon just reading through posts.  In a few hours I was able to familiarize my self with some of the stuff I'll need to learn even more about in the near future, but so far this site has been really helpful in just one day.

Mentally I seem to be doing ok, over the 2 weeks of waiting for the results I kind of already had a feeling of what the result would be.  The counselor did notice I seemed to be pretty accepting of everything and I basically told her I can't change the result, so I might as well focus on the future.

The one thing I am missing is the close support structure, my family all lives about 4 hours away, and the friends I have locally are not really close enough to confide in.  I'm going to go check out one of the local support groups that is held for people who have recently been diagnosed positive.

One thing that was weird to me yesterday was walking around the grocery store and thinking that people were looking at me and knew I was somehow different.  On the flip side I found myself looking at people and thinking to myself how they were negative and were leading a different lifestyle then me.  I also get a weird feeling inside me every time I realize that I am now HIV+.

Sorry for the long post, but it does feel good to get it out, and I look forward to learning more from here, and meeting some good people.

[vaguesbleues]

First of all, welcome to the forums.  I hope that you find this to be as much of a great resource as I did last year when I was diagnosed.  Be sure to take the time to learn as much as you can about HIV on the "About HIV/AIDS" tab at the top of the page.  There's a bunch of information that you can be helpful in you taking control of the situation.

I can relate to your feeling about suddenly feeling different from everyone around you.  I remember my first trip out to a gay bar after my diagnosis, I just couldn't enjoy myself feeling that I was somehow tainted and no longer desirable.  Don't worry, I found that this feeling can be pretty normal in the beginning.  But the good news it that, after a year, I no longer feel that way.  Other than when I go to pop the pill in the evening right before bed, I find that I rarely even think about being HIV+.  You'll get there, too. 

I'm glad to hear that you're actively seeking out a support network as you seek to come to terms with your diagnosis.  This helps a ton!  Not only will that allow you to share your concerns and fears in a safe space, but you'll also learn so much from others going through the same thing. 

Best of luck in the days ahead!

[synergyhomepage]

It took me a while, but If found a support group right where I live.

It really helps and Im sure with the power of this forum we could help you find one 

[WindySkies]

It took me a while, but If found a support group right where I live.

It really helps and Im sure with the power of this forum we could help you find one 

I did find one group in town, unfortunately they only meet every other week, and the day I got my test results was the day after they last met.  So I basically have to wait 2 weeks until they meet again.

I have been able to chat with a few people online which has been nice, and reading other stories here has been extremely helpful.

[spacebarsux]

One thing that was weird to me yesterday was walking around the grocery store and thinking that people were looking at me and knew I was somehow different.  On the flip side I found myself looking at people and thinking to myself how they were negative and were leading a different lifestyle then me.  I also get a weird feeling inside me every time I realize that I am now HIV+.

Sorry you tested poz, but welcome to the forums all the same.

The feelings you describe are perfectly normal. I thought I had HIV stuck on my forehead for many many weeks. It abates with time. Give yourself that time to adjust to your new reality, it's important. Don't rush things.

And of course this forum and other support groups are a great place to learn and just vent to people who understand what's going on with you.

Best

[WindySkies]

It's been an interesting couple of days I guess.  Still haven't gotten emotional at all and that kind of puzzles me I guess.  Obviously the next big event will be next week when I get my first set of labs back and then go to meet with an ID doctor, not sure if that will make it any more real or not.

This site so far has been a huge help, I'm more familiar with what medicine is available and have a somewhat mental list of what I would like to end up having to take.  I've also been able to get more familiar about how transmission from me to someone else, or someone else to me works.  Being single makes it somewhat easier, I don't have to go through what couples do when one is positive and one if negative. 

One resource I am having trouble finding is a good dating site for positive people.  Both straight and gay people.  I'm not looking to complicate my life with that right now, but more just to see that it's out there.

One good thing that's happening though is I changed the way I eat as soon as I got home.  Usually I eat a lot of take out, but since I found out I figured now would be a good time to start new.  So I actually went to the grocery store and bought groceries!  I know it's not mandatory to eat 100% healthy, but I figured why not, I can certainly use the break from the fast food.

Lastly the other thing I have had to change was my sexual activities.  I got rid of my online profiles and created new ones that reflect my new HIV status.  It's not right to pretend to not be something, especially when others are at risk.  What's funny is I don't seem to get quite as many message as I used to!  But all in all that's ok, I have plenty on my mind to keep me occupied.

[jkinatl2]

Hey congrats on the even keel so far! And of course, if you do experience a meltdown, come here and we'll talk you through it. Well, talk, browbeat, whatever.

ALso, it's never a bad idea to eat healthy. If/when you go on meds, it will be even more important since some of the meds have side effects that can be triggered by, say, eating a high-fat meal when you take them. Good to have healthy alternatives on hand. This coming from a guy who took his meds with a grilled cheese sandwich and a Coke Zero ten minutes ago.

And yeah, dating sites - even Poz Personals - seem pretty hit and miss. I always worry about scam artists who seem to pop up pretty regularly. For the record, I've been in almost exclusively serodiscordant relationships since my diagnosis, and there's not been an awful lot of HIV related dramaIt's mainly about finding the kind of people who you'd want to hang with anyway - smart, educated, funny and accepting. Oh and cute, because life's too short.

It's great to know that this site is helping. It's really one of, if not THE best HIV information site around. I know we're always tweaking our LESSONS to make them current.

[weasel]

     Hello  WindySkies  ,
                                 I am sorry you tested POZ .

    But here you are 

  I am glad you found us , We all like to listen and give great advice .

  In response  to you shopping , when I was diagnosed full blown AIDS I felt
  dirty when I shopped , Well   8 years later I do not give it a thought  , unless I
see a hot man  in the store 

    Hoping to hear more from you .

                                                            Weasel

[mecch]

One thing that was weird to me yesterday was walking around the grocery store and thinking that people were looking at me and knew I was somehow different.  On the flip side I found myself looking at people and thinking to myself how they were negative and were leading a different lifestyle then me.  I also get a weird feeling inside me every time I realize that I am now HIV+..

I had those feelings. 
Thankfully, they will pass.
Everything will be mundane again and you'll be happy for that.