Author Topic: What to do when you think your partner is an aolcoholic (Read 24908 times)

egello · « **on:** September 13, 2007, 05:06:37 am »

My partner has been drinking everyday now. It, however, does not effect his work, granted he doesn't do much but work. He just starts to drink after i fall asleep till he falls asleep or passes out.

It started getting bad after he started paxils, and now it seems like it's gotten worse,,, almost like a drug addiction.

He does not think he has any problem, but feels that he is just enjoying his time after work until falling asleep. I confront him about it, but no real response of admission to being addicted nor problem.

Am I overreacting? I feel like being mean to him, but the next morning he is as if nothing happened, refreshed as ever.

This is so trippy, and I really don't know what to do. I read on line that there is really nothing one can do but just wait until the problem gets deep enough that they themselves seek help.

Is this some sort of paxil side effect? I thougtt those drugs makes you less dependent on alcohol.

DanielMark · « **Reply #1 on:** September 13, 2007, 08:23:16 am »

I would say you have cause for concern.

Alcohol: Although Paxil has not been shown to increase the impairment of mental
and motor skills caused by alcohol, patients should be advised to avoid alcohol while
taking Paxil.

This is directly from the product insert.

FDA FINAL APPROVED LABELING
PRESCRIBING INFORMATION
PAXIL®
brand of paroxetine hydrochloride tablets and oral suspension

Alcoholism IS a drug addiction, because alcohol is a highly addictive drug. And on a related note, workaholism is also an addiction. He may or may not be addicted to either thing, but the only thing you can really do to if he is is to avoid enabling the behaviour.

Daniel

DanielMark · « **Reply #2 on:** September 13, 2007, 08:25:05 am »

PS: Alcoholism is also a progressive illness. It worsens over time.

emeraldize · « **Reply #3 on:** September 13, 2007, 08:39:59 am »

Good Morning .

What to do?

Take care of you. This scenario can be crazy-making. So, don't get lost in the shuffle of what reads as alcoholic behavior.

Go to your phone book. Find Alcoholics Anonymous. Call them and find out where and when the Al-Anon meetings are held. These are meetings for the spouses, children and significant others of alcoholics. They are invaluable, free and nationwide.

That is an excellent first step for you. And, what you will learn is that you must continue to be vigilant about you because that is the only person in your relationship with your partner in whom you can initiate change.

And, you will learn the meaning of the Serenity Prayer which follows.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you wish, substitute whatever you deem to be a power greater than you for the word God.

Best regards
Em

Andy Velez · « **Reply #4 on:** September 13, 2007, 11:09:08 am »

I second Em's suggestion. Right now and actually in general your first concern should be to take good care of yourself.

The kind of doubts you're having about whether he is an alcoholic, whether you are being mean or unfair to him are typical of someone involved with an addict, whether it's alcohol, drugs or whatever. And you can get really cuckoo with those kinds of doubts.

Check out the meetings Em suggested. You'll find you have lots of informed and supportive company that will help you to deal.

Right now it doesn't sound like your guy is receptive to communication about this problem. In fact he doesn't even see that there is a problem.

Hang in there but don't try to do it alone.

Keep us posted. We're here.

Cheers,

bear60 · « **Reply #5 on:** September 13, 2007, 11:35:13 am »

Egello.............................I have always heard that when the problem begins to impact or negatively affect daily life and the people around him, that is when a person has a PROBLEM. So by those terms it seems as though his drinking has gone fronm social drinking to negatively affecting his life with you. Does he still care about you and does he still function ok? Perhaps he does and can. Yet YOU have identified a problem. It is affecting YOU.
I agree with Em and Andy....see if you can attend some meetings.

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #6 on:** September 13, 2007, 11:38:56 am »

a question you can ask yourself privately (i.e., don't answer here) is

any alcoholics in his family?

hugs and my best to you

egello · « **Reply #7 on:** September 13, 2007, 12:00:35 pm »

Thanks all

He is adopted but supposedly, his biological parents were messy hippies, and his adopted parents do drink to escape from problems, so go figure.

Last night I woke up found him passed out from wine and Ambien in the living room, which made me terribly upset. However, he did wake up to go to work all fine although his face had anxiety written all around it.

I talked to him nicely about it this morning still in bed, stating my concern very very nicely and not mean or in a scolding manner. He thought it was no big deal, and gave a bunch of excuses about how it helps him to fall asleep and takes edges off blah blah blah.

I made him promise me to not drink from Sunday to Friday afternoon, and on weekday nights that he will be physically in bed by 11pm. I asked him to do that for me at least. So I will see how that works out, however, I also read that there is nothing anyone can really do.

The reason why I am hesistant to call al non meeting is because he is fine in the morning and he does everything that he is supposed to do. Anyhoo, I will keep you guys posted. Thanks

DanielMark · « **Reply #8 on:** September 13, 2007, 12:27:32 pm »

"Last night I woke up found him passed out from wine and Ambien in the living room. . . ."

Egello,

Forgive me but you are making excuses for his risky behaviour now. This is all part of that enabling I was mentioning earlier.

This mixing of booze and pills is an extremely potentially dangerous situation! PLEASE do as Em suggested and get your butt to some Al-anon meetings as soon as you can. You need to learn what you are dealing with and the support to deal with it properly.

(((HUGS)))

Daniel

Paulette · « **Reply #9 on:** September 14, 2007, 05:32:35 pm »

I can so relate to this story
My husband of almost two years drinks every day and dips into my xanax along with it, this as been going on for as long as i can remember since we've been together and it doesn't effect his work or hm life i just wish i knew what makes him drink so much, he's not abusive or mean, he just gets drunk every night and I'm worried about he damage it is doing to his liver , because he used to have hepC but got cured with treatment and still remains hepC free for over a year and hafe. My husband isn't positive so maybe he drinks because of me , i have know idea, but like you i am worried about him. I've talked to him and he will quit for a few days but always starts back. i don't know if this helps you, but take care of you and as long as he's not being abusive just keep talking to him about it and let him know that you worried and are concerned.
Paulette

egello · « **Reply #10 on:** September 15, 2007, 12:35:40 am »

omgosh, thats almost exactly how i feel sometimes, my partner has some serious responsibility and family ethics issues, and maybe he is really stressed about my being hiv poz and that i am somewhat financially dependent on him at least for now, and maybe he wants to leave the relationship, but feel too responsible to leave. i guess back to the therapist.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #11 on:** September 15, 2007, 11:37:16 am »

EG, for the moment I would say NEVER MIND what is going on inside of your partner's head.

You may or may not get to know what that's about. From what you're writing you have sorting out of your own to do. How do YOU feel about being dependent on him? How much conversation have you guys had about these things which are concerning you?

His possible alcoholism and addiction(s) aside, some of what you are talking about is stuff you guys should be talking about as simply and as openly as you can. Very often partners become fearful that if they speak openly it will destroy the relationship when actually NOT talking is often what causes partners to drift apart. And in the end what good is an intimate relationship if you can't really talk with each other about what matters to you? (That is not a rhetorical question.)

I'm not by any means saying this is easy to do, but what's the alternative?

egello · « **Reply #12 on:** September 15, 2007, 03:04:41 pm »

We do and did talk thoroughly about EVERYTHING, but seeing how repressive he is about things for the sake of responsibility and earning for family-hood, there is a chance that he might not be telling the truth or talk honestly about how he really feels about those issues, thus eventual building of stress and results in drinking and etc... maybe....

Or, maybe he is really totally fine with everything, and maybe its just all me. We are also in a weird situation where we just moved to S/D not too long ago, and don't really have any connection to people down here, so we totally rely on each other for companionships. I am getting a job soon and will be going away to grad. school later, so maybe things will change.

Thanks

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #13 on:** September 15, 2007, 03:48:45 pm »

Quote from: egello on September 13, 2007, 12:00:35 pm

I made him promise me to not drink from Sunday to Friday afternoon, and on weekday nights that he will be physically in bed by 11pm. I asked him to do that for me at least.

Does he get a reward for complying? I'm not trying to be facetious, I'm asking more out of curiosity. Heck, rewards and such might not even be orthodox or productive in these type of situations. I'm not a professional, just curious.

egello · « **Reply #14 on:** September 15, 2007, 05:50:10 pm »

hmm,, never thought of an reward.... i mean what kind of reward can i give to a fully grown man?

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #15 on:** September 15, 2007, 09:06:22 pm »

Quote from: egello on September 15, 2007, 05:50:10 pm

hmm,, never thought of an reward.... i mean what kind of reward can i give to a fully grown man?

okay so you dont. just curious. i guess let the professionals tell you about rewards or no rewards. you dont wanna do anything that might be counterproductive to getting this problem under control.

jkinatl2 · « **Reply #16 on:** September 20, 2007, 10:50:52 pm »

Reward? Not messing up his life is the reward. Losing the alcohol-fat face and body is the reward. Having a life that is not destructive is the reward.

You need, seriously NEED to go to AL-Anon.

The reward for not drinking is sobriety. It is a mixed bag, of hyper-sensitivity and hyper-awareness, and dealing with the damaged life that has occured. But the reward is also the mechanisms for coping with, for healing that damage which has been done.

YOU are the reward. Your contiinued presence in his life is the reward. If he anticipates or expects something more, he is seriously not sober in the most literal sense of the word.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #17 on:** September 21, 2007, 10:40:01 am »

EG, it's good to know that you're getting a job and planning on going to grad school. Those are things which will likely be strengthening forces in your life and which will make your life, your world bigger.

When you say "going away to grad school," will you be moving there or was that a figure of speech? I was wondering about it in terms of your living with your guy.

egello · « **Reply #18 on:** October 01, 2007, 05:23:33 am »

hi andy, sorry, haven't been coming on here

i will be going away or moving together with him to LA depends on if he can move with me or not.

in any case, i did attend my first al non meeting and i have no idea how i feel about it except that they didn't answer anything.

their answer is that the solution and answer has to come from me and do what I feel is right.

its the same shit over and over,,, during the week, he is fine, and weekend, he is drunk the whole freaking time, drive drunk too!.... making me tired and worried... weekend is becoming a very tiring time for me.

isn't this kind of stress bad for people who just almost died from aids?

i almost decided to move out last week and move in with my friend from LA, but he started bawling and and,,,, you guess the story,,, and now I am here again, and the same shit happens this weekend. its 2.30 am now, and he has to go to work tomorrow and i am sitting in front of my computer worried.

what a life,,, someone just tell me to leave that drunken looser!

Ann · « **Reply #19 on:** October 01, 2007, 06:06:48 am »

egello,

My ex-husband was/is a "functional alcoholic" and it sounds as though he and your partner are very similar. I got fed up and left him after seven years of marriage and the main reason for me leaving was his love affair with the bottle. It's still his first love. You're never going to be able to change him, he's the ONLY person who can change him.

So it's like this. You have to decide if you want to carry on living like you are or if you want a better life. Just as only he can change him, only you can change you.

They were right at Al-Anon. The ball is in your court and you have some decisions to make and some solutions to come up with - we cannot tell you what to do. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.

Ann

egello · « **Reply #20 on:** October 01, 2007, 10:52:43 am »

ok, so this consistent drinking problem has been going on for about 6 months now, (he didn't come home last night) and wondering am i just freaking out kinda early? others seem to have dealt with something like this for a long time, like ANN, 7 years,,,, so do i deal with it little more to see if things will change at all?

Ann · « **Reply #21 on:** October 01, 2007, 11:19:16 am »

Egello,

I only waited as long as I did because there was a child involved. Had there been no child, I would have gotten out of the relationship much sooner.

Your partner has to recognise he has a problem and then want to do something about it. It's up to you to decide how much time to give him. Egello, it's your life and it is in your power to change your life, but it isn't in your power to change your partner. You have to decide what you can live with and what you cannot and make decisions accordingly.

Ann

mjmel · « **Reply #22 on:** October 01, 2007, 11:32:39 am »

What would you do and how would you handle this any different if you weren't "somewhat financially dependent on him"? Think about it.
xxx,
Mike

pozniceguy · « **Reply #23 on:** October 01, 2007, 05:18:00 pm »

I have to chime in here.... you are only responsible for you...you cannot "make decisions" about what is good for him.....the crying and other types of don't leave me crap are his exercise of power over you.....If he really wants you around let him do something positive...clean up his act..
you have to decide how much you can stand but if you really want advice....move out now.....it won't be easier in a week or a year.......If you need to find your own way financially look into all the programs available and pick one....at least that will be for you to decide.....take whatever alternative is open... waiting is not the answer

Nick

camille07 · « **Reply #24 on:** October 03, 2007, 06:17:54 pm »

EG- I lived like that for 2 years and it was 2 years too long. I got involved in a new relationship and he too was a drinker. Different faces, but same patterns and sometimes the exact same verbiage. Needless to say, I am no longer with him and single. You seriously need to look at this and think "is this working for you"? We're all telling you the same things because we've all been there.

I know its scary and painful to take those first few steps without looking back, but you don't need the extra stress or drama.

Hugs,

Cammie

egello · « **Reply #25 on:** October 04, 2007, 11:37:17 pm »

Ok, here is the deal, I just had a long conversation with my partner and I decided to give him a few more weeks. Supposedly, Paxils can make you do all sorts of crazy things including desire to DRINK! His uncontrollable drinking problem really started around the same time as he started taking Paxils.

Anyways,,, I think this is the last week that he will be on Paxil, so I will see how he is after that.

I just can't give up 5 years of our happy lives together for 6 months of his alcoholism without seeing what happens when some variables are taken away.

Financially, I do have some savings, so I should be ok for some time.

Thanks everyone.

egello · « **Reply #26 on:** October 04, 2007, 11:40:16 pm »

Quote from: DanielMark on September 13, 2007, 08:23:16 am

I would say you have cause for concern.

Alcohol: Although Paxil has not been shown to increase the impairment of mental
and motor skills caused by alcohol, patients should be advised to avoid alcohol while
taking Paxil.

This is directly from the product insert.

FDA FINAL APPROVED LABELING
PRESCRIBING INFORMATION
PAXIL®
brand of paroxetine hydrochloride tablets and oral suspension

Alcoholism IS a drug addiction, because alcohol is a highly addictive drug. And on a related note, workaholism is also an addiction. He may or may not be addicted to either thing, but the only thing you can really do to if he is is to avoid enabling the behaviour.

Daniel

However, I also came across this websites by people who have taken Paxils and it seems that A LOT of them agree that Paxils do cause extreme desire to drink alcohol. This isn't everyone, but to some people it can occur.

http://www.join-the-fun.com/paxil-and-alcohol.html

egello · « **Reply #27 on:** October 05, 2007, 11:25:06 am »

Someone tell me that I am wrong. The fact that my partner was here for me and took care of me while I had PCP, hospitalized and etc... DOES NOT MEAN that I need to be there for him while he is going through this Alcoholism. Does it?

Andy Velez · « **Reply #28 on:** October 07, 2007, 10:28:47 am »

I want to go back to something you said a few entries ago -- that you'd gone to one al-anon meeting and they didn't have the answer. Hey! One meeting is not giving that process much of a chance. I would urge you to consider attending a few meetings and see if anything useful begins to come up.

Dealing with someone's alcoholism, whether a longterm or "temporary" condition is tough stuff. I hope it does turn out that his drinking is a short-term response to taking Paxil, although it still requires that in some way you deal with what's happening. For starters, I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to let him drive when he's drunk and if he insists then don't get in the car with him. And when he's sober tell him you won't ride with him when he's drinking. Just sayin'....

egello · « **Reply #29 on:** October 09, 2007, 04:51:34 pm »

so far he has not been drinking for 1 whole week! and he has been completely off of Paxil for that same period of time.

Paxil is a creepy drug, look what i found

http://www.quitpaxil.info/

aserenityseeker · « **Reply #30 on:** October 10, 2007, 03:02:41 am »

Egello,

I am new to this website and I hope you dont mind my posting an opinion. I fully agree with the replies below and I agree try a few more Al-anon meetings or even try a different Al-anon group and see if that helps. Remember the meetings will help give you the tools to help handle living with an alcoholic (or any other addiction as the tools work for many problems. men, drugs, alcohol etc). Its more of a meeting for your sanity than to find your partners cure...that's up to them to find that when they are ready. I do agree you might have to leave at some point to save your sanity and safety. You come first...take care.

egello · « **Reply #31 on:** October 10, 2007, 10:32:13 am »

Thank you for your concern

Honestly, the meeting sort of crept me out with all their "HI blah blah" after each person speaks and sort of had this religious overtone to the whole thing. People going around speaking their mind,,, i had no idea what that was all about! I didn't know their story and they never bother to explain their story.

Anyhoo, he is doing a lot better since getting off of Paxil although he is getting all the weird side effects from it. However, as for me, my emotions have all dried out, and thus put me in a horny, go out and get laid mode. I don't know if this will ever change back.

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Author Topic: What to do when you think your partner is an aolcoholic (Read 24908 times)