Is it karma???

[Tar Heel]

Years ago when I would meet a poz guy, I wouldn't have sex with him because he was poz.  Instead, I trusted guys who said they were neg and barebacked.... and I got caught.

Now when I meet guys either on-line or in person and tell them I am poz, they admit they are not comfortable having sex with a positive guy.  Most of the poz guys I know are hard partiers (crystal meth especially) or are partnered.  I live in the mountains of North Carolina and my options/choices are limited.

I'm frustrated!

Is this just a part of being poz you have to live with or is it karma?

Thanks for letting me vent.
Tom

[mecch]

I'm frustrated!

Is this just a part of being poz you have to live with or is it karma?

Thanks for letting me vent.
Tom

What exactly are you asking re:  "is this just part of being poz"
You mean being frustrated finding the sex you want?
You mean having to tell people and the getting rejected?

Yeah its frustrating finding the sex I want but it was frustrating sometimes before I was HIV+ as well.
Yeah you got to tell people and they reject you sometimes.

Why do you say this as an either "or".  I dont understand why your sentence can't be both. Yes if you are HIV+ there are some frustrating aspects.  What has this got to do with karma?  You follow Indian religions?
What do you mean karma?  You think fate is giving you frustrations because of some mistake or something - e.g. getting HIV? 
I don't think fate gave me HIV nor is it some sort of payback or punishment for bad actions, etc.  Think about that.
There are some frustrations that come with any disease and its just that. Not karma. Its just reality.

[SANJUANDUDE]

well the response that you got above is certainly not the one that I would have given you.

Yes, lots of negative guys are going to turn you down, and you should be honest with them, so that they can make the decision, not you.  Yes, in my opinion, and some may disagree with me, it is part of being positive.  I don't undertand how you said lots of these guys are positive and doing crystal meth.  It must shoot their cd-4 count right down the tube.....  But that's their choice, not for me to judge. 

Again, I disagree with the response above on another aspect.  it's not karma or a "payback", but it is more from barebacking with someone you either don't know, or don't know very well and just "buying it" that they are negative.  Some may not even know if they are positive.

http://timehasshownme.com

[Tar Heel]

No to the eastern religions, but yes, i do believe in karma. 

6 1/2 years after becoming poz, I am looking to settle down with a decent guy and I am realizing the consequences of my past behavior.
 

[Joe K]

No to the eastern religions, but yes, i do believe in karma. 

6 1/2 years after becoming poz, I am looking to settle down with a decent guy and I am realizing the consequences of my past behavior.

Who says that karma is always bad?  Good things happen to people, karma or not and maybe the changes that you made, by becoming poz allowed you to become a better person.  What if karma noticed the changes and sent a decent guy your way.  Sometimes perspective is everything.  You will never be defined by the mistakes you make, unless you allow it.  We messed up and became poz, but it does not diminish who or what we are as people.  Stop blaming yourself for becoming poz and forgive you already.

Obviously another guy finds you quite attractive, maybe it's time for you to view yourself as you really are.  You have HIV, HIV does not have you.  Decide on what you want in life, but if it were me, and a great guy offered his hand to me, I would grab on and never let go.  Trust your instincts, you are more than worthy of being loved.

Joe

[GSOgymrat]

No offense but HIV is only one of many things people will reject you for which will then bite them in the ass. There are guys who when they are young won't date older guys, then when they themselves become old the shoe is on the other foot. Some guys won't date guys without a job, then they become unemployed. Some won't date guys who are not A-listers, then find themselves on the outside looking in. Of course HIV is going to give people another reason to say "no", but there are always reasons people say no and it often has more to do with them than with you. Keep it in perspective.

I grew up outside Asheville and moved to Seattle and then Los Angeles. If you are serious about find a man, or men, and have the means I recommend relocating. I like living in North Carolina but only because I already have a partner. If I wasn't in a relationship I damn sure would not be single in Greensboro. I would be in Seattle or Southern California... someplace with more gay men. Trust me, it's a whole different world.

[jkinatl2]

No offense but HIV is only one of many things people will reject you for which will then bite them in the ass. There are guys who when they are young won't date older guys, then when they themselves become old the shoe is on the other foot. Some guys won't date guys without a job, then they become unemployed. Some won't date guys who are not A-listers, then find themselves on the outside looking in. Of course HIV is going to give people another reason to say "no", but there are always reasons people say no and it often has more to do with them than with you. Keep it in perspective.

I grew up outside Asheville and moved to Seattle and then Los Angeles. If you are serious about find a man, or men, and have the means I recommend relocating. I like living in North Carolina but only because I already have a partner. If I wasn't in a relationship I damn sure would not be single in Greensboro. I would be in Seattle or Southern California... someplace with more gay men. Trust me, it's a whole different world.

ALL THIS.

As someone who grew up in Greensboro, and returns fairly often for brief visits, I can attest to all of it. The hypocrisy of the DDF UB2 crowd is as stunning in it's arrogance as it is in it's naive version of serosorting. And I can speak from recent experience when I say that GSO is a small town for the single gay guy. I can only imagine what it must be like in the mountains.

Don't get me wrong, I love NC for a lot of reasons. GSO is a very safe place for my Mom, and as it happens, it has some of the best Alzheimer's support and care in the nation (Mom has mild/moderate). I imagine that for a person who is partnered, it's a decent place to live.

As an HIV educator, though, I would go apeshit crazy there. Last time I went I ended up at the local dance bar talking to people who were there handing out condoms and safer sex information. And it was like stepping into 1987. People actually don't volunteer to help at the local ASOs because it is then rumored that they have HIV, and they are ostracized for it.

I so very admire people who can handle that stuff and press through. Me, I cannot imagine living anywhere but Atlanta, not only for the excellent HIV resources, the entertainment and culture, but also because - though that crappy attitude absolutely exists, it is NO WHERE near as all-encompassing as I have experienced it in NC.

[Miss Philicia]

I'll be in Raleigh for Christmas -- I'll wave hello I don't get a super scary vibe in RDU. They even have a gourmet cupcake shop.

[leatherman]

And it was like stepping into 1987. People actually don't volunteer to help at the local ASOs because it is then rumored that they have HIV, and they are ostracized for it.

you ain't just whistling Dixie. LOL
Step across the line from Charlotte into SC. It's like stepping into 1967. ROFLMAO

I live in the mountains of North Carolina and my options/choices are limited.

Is this just a part of being poz you have to live with or is it karma?

Hey Tom, it's not karma and it's not being poz. You're just having the age-old problem gays have been having - you live in a rural area so the pickings are slim. Then when you factor HIV into the mix, the pickin' are even less. It's basic math: fewer people = fewer gays = fewer poz gay or poz-friendly gay (there's a recent study about gays discriminating against poz gays. I would bet the numbers are even higher here in the boonies of the South where there's still a lot of discrimination in general)

One solution to your dilemma is that you could always do what queers have done for decades and head for any one of the BIG cities in America. Not only will you meet more gays, you'll meet more poz gays, and you'll have access to more HIV services.

I'll be in Raleigh for Christmas

what a small world. I'll be in Raleigh on Christmas too. Perhaps we should set up a small AMG lolz

[Miss Philicia]

what a small world. I'll be in Raleigh on Christmas too. Perhaps we should set up a small AMG lolz

Oh dear, now that would be quite spectacular and special.

[denb45]

I grew up outside Asheville and moved to Seattle and then Los Angeles. If you are serious about find a man, or men, and have the means I recommend relocating. I like living in North Carolina but only because I already have a partner. If I wasn't in a relationship I damn sure would not be single in Greensboro. I would be in Seattle or Southern California... someplace with more gay men. Trust me, it's a whole different world.

I hear Ya  I would NOT want to be single in Albuquerque, I'd shoot myself in the head or move to a bigger City if i didn't have my otherhalf...........shit...........now I'm really missing Nor-Cal 

[Zohar]

HIV is just a virus, not a punishment from God, so karma has nothing to do with it.

[Rockin]

Years ago when I would meet a poz guy, I wouldn't have sex with him because he was poz.  Instead, I trusted guys who said they were neg and barebacked.... and I got caught.

Now when I meet guys either on-line or in person and tell them I am poz, they admit they are not comfortable having sex with a positive guy.  Most of the poz guys I know are hard partiers (crystal meth especially) or are partnered.  I live in the mountains of North Carolina and my options/choices are limited.

I'm frustrated!

Is this just a part of being poz you have to live with or is it karma?

Thanks for letting me vent.
Tom

I'm confused. You tell them your poz upfront, on the first "date"? No wonder you're not getting any.

[leatherman]

You tell them your poz upfront, on the first "date"? No wonder you're not getting any.

many of us tell up front - It saves getting the rejection further down the line. Getting rejected right off the bat means you can cut bait and set that loser free. That allows you to keep on looking without wasting any more time in what'll be a dead-end relationship.

not to mention the whole disclosure problem (search for that on this site for lots more info) if it's just a sexual tryst you're looking for. Some states have laws requiring disclosure.

[Rockin]

many of us tell up front - It saves getting the rejection further down the line. Getting rejected right off the bat means you can cut bait and set that loser free. That allows you to keep on looking without wasting any more time in what'll be a dead-end relationship.

not to mention the whole disclosure problem (search for that on this site for lots more info) if it's just a sexual tryst you're looking for. Some states have laws requiring disclosure.

I don't agree at all. When you first meet someone you don't tell every little thing about your life. You don't overwhelm the person with this whole bunch of information. It's scary. Regardless if it's about HIV or about your daily habits.

So you meet a guy at a bar and go have sex with him. "Oh and by the way I'm HIV+". Nice, all the guy wanted was mindless sex and now it won't be mindless at all.

Of course, as long as you are not putting that person in a dangerous situation (bareback, cum in mouth, etc.)

I've always considered myself a very open-minded guy...and I always told people, way before I found out I was poz, that I wouldn't reject a person that I actually loved because of his HIV status. That that would be a cowardly and low thing to do.

BUT...if I'm with a trick (do people still use this word? lol) and he tells me he is poz oh well...we might even do some sex stuff but I'm gonna be self-conscious the whole time and it's not gonna be as fun as it could.

I think it's about being realistic. It's not just the HIV, I don't confide everything about my life to the first person that kisses me. You have to know who to trust in life, period.

[GSOgymrat]

BUT...if I'm with a trick (do people still use this word? lol) and he tells me he is poz oh well...we might even do some sex stuff but I'm gonna be self-conscious the whole time and it's not gonna be as fun as it could.

You're poz and he's poz and that makes it less fun? Why would you be self-conscious? It's not like you are going to infect him.

[leatherman]

I don't agree at all. When you first meet someone you don't tell every little thing about your life. You don't overwhelm the person with this whole bunch of information. It's scary. Regardless if it's about HIV or about your daily habits.
...
I don't confide everything about my life to the first person that kisses me. You have to know who to trust in life, period.

i don't consider disclosing that I'm HIV positive as telling every little thing about my life. I do consider it appropriate however to tell someone that I am infected with a deadly virus that can be sexually transmitted before I have sex with him - especially since I live in a state that requires me to disclose or possibly face a fine of up to $5k and up to 10 yrs in jail.

S.C. Code Ann. § 44-29-145 (Supp. 1998) makes it a crime for a person who knows that he or she is
infected with HIV to:
• knowingly engage in sexual intercourse, vaginal, anal, or oral, with another person without first informing that person of his or her HIV infection;
• knowingly commit an act of prostitution with another person;
• knowingly sell or donate blood, blood products, semen, tissue, organs, or other body fluids;
• forcibly engage in sexual intercourse, vaginal, anal or oral, without the consent of the other person,
including one’s legal spouse; or
• knowingly share with another person a hypodermic needle, syringe, or both for the introduction of
drugs or any other substance into, or for the withdrawal of blood or body fluids from the other person’s body
without first informing that person that the needle, syringe or both have been used by someone infected with
HIV.
A person who violates this statute is guilty of a felony and, upon conviction, must be fined not more than
$5,000 dollars or be imprisoned for not more than 10 years

by the way, the North Carolina Administrative Code 10-41 and North Carolina General Statute 130A-144(f) make non-disclosure of HIV positive status before sex a crime. People have been prosecuted for actually being a "deadly weapon".

we have had numerous discussions about disclosure in these forums throughout the years and the opinions are as varied as the people. Obviously though anyone that is willing to take the risks of unprotected sex is responsible for their own actions and any consequences that come from those actions. However many people also see this, if not as a legal matter, then as a moral issue - that of being "your brother's keeper". I believe that knowing that I am positive makes me more morally responsible to halt the transmission of HIV by taking the proper precautions and by giving people the appropriate information to make up their minds about how much of a risk they want to take.

I also believe that disclosing up front saves the hassle of rejection further along into the relationship (be it a one-niter or something longer) along with educating the people that I have met to consider HIV, safe sex, and the truthfulness of the answer someone would give about their status. Personally I would hope, as an advocate/activist for HIV education/prevention, that my disclosure might scare someone and shake them up. Anyone relying just upon how someone looks or how they answer about their status before having sex without using protection is a fool and needs to be scared. I'd rather scare them with my disclosure and hope they learn to be more cautious than end up with them as another client at my ASO.

if I'm with a trick (do people still use this word? lol) and he tells me he is poz oh well...we might even do some sex stuff but I'm gonna be self-conscious the whole time and it's not gonna be as fun as it could.

dude!?! poz-on-poz sex is just as worry-free as neg-on-neg sex. The whole purpose of serosorting is to take away the concerns about transmission (please tell me you're not worried about the bug-a-boos of "super infection" or "reinfection". )

[Rockin]

You're poz and he's poz and that makes it less fun? Why would you be self-conscious? It's not like you are going to infect him.

Sorry, I should have said "If I was negative and the guy told me he as poz".

[Rockin]

i don't consider disclosing that I'm HIV positive as telling every little thing about my life. I do consider it appropriate however to tell someone that I am infected with a deadly virus that can be sexually transmitted before I have sex with him - especially since I live in a state that requires me to disclose or possibly face a fine of up to $5k and up to 10 yrs in jail.

But if you're gonna use condoms why tell them? Why the need to tell? Or are you saying that condoms are not completely effective?

[Ann]

But if you're gonna use condoms why tell them? Why the need to tell? Or are you saying that condoms are not completely effective?

When condoms are used correctly, they're effective and they prevent the transmission of hiv.

HOWEVER - if something goes wrong - an unnoticed air bubble in the tip for example - the condom could break.

People are entitled to have the information they need to make a decision on whether or not they want to take the risk of condom failure. If you're a poz bottom it may not matter that much, granted. But if you're a poz top and particularly if you do not have an undetectable viral load, then disclosing before fucking, even with a condom, is the reasonable and responsible thing to do.

Put yourself in the other (negative) person's shoes. Would you want to know your trick's hiv status before you decided whether or not to fuck? Whether or not you wanted to bottom? You might be thankful you were told - and go on to fuck making sure the condom was put on properly (air bubbles are one of the leading causes of condom breakage) with plenty of water-based lube.

This is why hiv education is so important. When people learn what's necessary to prevent transmission, they're going to be less likely to turn down a poz trick. They're going to be less likely to freak out or be afraid of being intimate with us. We can't sit on our asses and bitch an moan about the lack of hiv education out there - we can do it ourselves - one trick at a time, if that's what it takes.

 

[Rockin]

When condoms are used correctly, they're effective and they prevent the transmission of hiv.

HOWEVER - if something goes wrong - an unnoticed air bubble in the tip for example - the condom could break.

People are entitled to have the information they need to make a decision on whether or not they want to take the risk of condom failure. If you're a poz bottom it may not matter that much, granted. But if you're a poz top and particularly if you do not have an undetectable viral load, then disclosing before fucking, even with a condom, is the reasonable and responsible thing to do.

Put yourself in the other (negative) person's shoes. Would you want to know your trick's hiv status before you decided whether or not to fuck? Whether or not you wanted to bottom? You might be thankful you were told - and go on to fuck making sure the condom was put on properly (air bubbles are one of the leading causes of condom breakage) with plenty of water-based lube.

This is why hiv education is so important. When people learn what's necessary to prevent transmission, they're going to be less likely to turn down a poz trick. They're going to be less likely to freak out or be afraid of being intimate with us. We can't sit on our asses and bitch an moan about the lack of hiv education out there - we can do it ourselves - one trick at a time, if that's what it takes.

I understand Ann. And I'm always careful about condom use. Always lots of water-based lube and making sure no air bubbles. I never had a problem with it, being a top or bottom. And whenever there's a "sex break" I always change it or make sure the person changes it.

And you are 100% correct...in theory. But we don't live in an ideal world and disclosing HIV status to a trick, on my book, is not only unnecessary but dangerous. Before you know it everyone will know of your status and you will find it very hard to meet someone or have sex at all.

It may be easier on places like NY or London, where you find more open-minded people who have seen it all and are very well-informed. But here in Rio is not like that. As gay-friendly as it may seem, most people here are very ignorant and scared. And I tend to hook-up with straight-acting guys, and they are the one's most scared about this stuff.

i think it comes down to being responsible. If I'm being responsible for the well-being of the person who's with me then I don't think is necessary to tell my status. I might be wrong but I really believe that most guys would run away, even if they are crazy hot for me.

[Ann]

Rockin, I live on an island with a population of around 70,000 people. Every one knows everyone else - or at least you will have a friend or a friend of a friend in common. It's not a particularly liberal place. I've yet to have a problem getting sex or having friends, yet I'm very much out about my hiv status. When people realise that we're everywhere, they start looking at hiv differently. I know this first hand.

The more we hide, the more we have to hide. The more we act as though we have something to be ashamed of, the more people treat us as though we should be ashamed.

Hiv stigma stops with us. We are the only people who can effectively stop the stigma. Stop hiding.

[Rockin]

Rockin, I live on an island with a population of around 70,000 people. Every one knows everyone else - or at least you will have a friend or a friend of a friend in common. It's not a particularly liberal place. I've yet to have a problem getting sex or having friends, yet I'm very much out about my hiv status. When people realise that we're everywhere, they start looking at hiv differently. I know this first hand.

The more we hide, the more we have to hide. The more we act as though we have something to be ashamed of, the more people treat us as though we should be ashamed.

Hiv stigma stops with us. We are the only people who can effectively stop the stigma. Stop hiding.

You are correct Ann, I know that as much as I hate the stigma around HIV I know I'm also contributing to it.

But let me tell you: I've been an out gay man ever since I was 18...and, as you can imagine, I've met a lot of gay men throughout my life. And i've never met anyone who was poz and out about it. Ever.

Plus, I'm not the most level-headed person. I've been prone to bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts, way before the whole HIV thing. And my life is not good at the moment, I'm struggling financially and professionally. Coming out with HIV would be the cherry on the top for me right now and I'm afraid of what it might do to my mental health.

[LM]

Unfortunately, like leatherman said, it's illegal to not disclose your HIV status before  a sexual encounter in some US states. So that's not an option in some places.

Personally, I don't think one must disclose his status before having sex. I think one should do what he/she feels better doing, taking the necessary precautions. And all my life, I have never had a broken condom before. I hope that it doesn't happen now that I'm poz.

[Rockin]

Unfortunately, like leatherman said, it's illegal to not disclose your HIV status before  a sexual encounter in some US states. So that's not an option in some places.

Personally, I don't think one must disclose his status before having sex. I think one should do what he/she feels better doing, taking the necessary precautions. And all my life, I have never had a broken condom before. I hope that it doesn't happen now that I'm poz.

Me neither. It's latex, not easy to break at all. Unless, of course, said person is having some heavy rough sex and not using a lot of lube.

Which is probably a very painful thing to do in the first place lol.

[denb45]

I believe in full disclosure of my status, if I'm gonna do the anal deed, non pozzies sorry i'll use a condom, if they don't like it, or me, they can take a hike, teh AIDS ain't for everyone, so that's my stance and I'm sticking to it, no matter what 

[Rockin]

I believe in full disclosure of my status, if I'm gonna do the anal deed, non pozzies sorry i'll use a condom, if they don't like it, or me, they can take a hike, teh AIDS ain't for everyone, so that's my stance and I'm sticking to it, no matter what 

But do you feel that everyone should do that as well? That it's irresponsible to not disclose before having sex?

[denb45]

But do you feel that everyone should do that as well? That it's irresponsible to not disclose before having sex?

I cannot speak for everyone else, however since you ask me, YES, I think that's a good idea to disclose, hiding it will only come back to bite you in the ass, and as others have said, it may get you a trip to JAIL 

[Tar Heel]

I'm very open about being poz.  I made a stupid mistake one night after too many shots of tequila.  If they have never done anything they regret, I will hand them to first stone to throw.  And yes, when I meet a guy that I feel a click with, I somehow, gracefully, work the fact that I am poz into the conversation.   No need to invest time with someone who is going to turn tail and run as soon as they find out.  I lay all my cards out on the table.  One thing I have learned over my 47 years is that as long as you are honest with everyone about everything, you have nothing to worry about later.

[Rockin]

I cannot speak for everyone else, however since you ask me, YES, I think that's a good idea to disclose, hiding it will only come back to bite you in the ass, and as others have said, it may get you a trip to JAIL 

Not here where I live, no laws about that.

[Rockin]

One thing I have learned over my 47 years is that as long as you are honest with everyone about everything, you have nothing to worry about later.

What about people who lose their jobs because of it? There's a guy who posted a thread on the Mental Health forum. He's in the military and he disclosed his situation and now he's paying for it.

I do agree that it's better to be honest...but let's not be naive, the world will not give you any prizes and your life will not become better just because you are an honest person.

[Tar Heel]

What about people who lose their jobs because of it?

In North Carolina you can not lose your job because of your HIV status.

[TonyDewitt]

Zohar - thank you for what you wrote:

"HIV is just a virus, not a punishment from God, so karma has nothing to do with it".

I've certainly spent long hours with that one.

[Zohar]

I don't believe in mandatory disclosure. If people actively want to, that's fine, and they should go ahead. But to be compelled to do so is simply wrong in my view and if I was unfortunate enough to live in a country where this was the case, then I would flout the law without any qualms whatsoever.

People shouldn't be treated like would-be criminals just because they have a disease.

[anniebc]

Not here where I live, no laws about that.

May I ask where you live?

Jan

[Miss Philicia]

May I ask where you live?

Jan

Brazil

[olliederp]

Maybe I've just been lucky but apart from one bad experience here in NC, I've never been rejected because of my hiv status. I live in liberal Chapel Hill but my partners have all lived out in the boonies and have all been negative and between 19 and 23. The only traumatic experience I had was with someone from NYC.