Mood changes

[DCGUY2007]

For a while now I have been pretty moody. I take Lexapro and seems to help for a while then again I can get depressed again. Seems I go from despondent to ok to despondent again in a few days. I also can't seem to concentrate. I'm taking some courses and I just cannot seem to concentrate. I used to do well in school. Now it seems like I am always stressed out about something. I worry a lot about body changes.When is my body going to change? Is it changing now? What can I do about it?  I worry about my health. I feel lonely a lot. I also realize there have been some changes in my personal life but I would think by now I should be passed it.

For five years I had roommate at my other place. I then sold that place and bought another one. My previous roommate then found a boyfriend and I never see him anymore. Then my best friend of 12 years also now has a boyfriend and I hardly ever see him maybe once every three weeks. We used to talk everyday (I also don't like his boyfriend so that doesn't make it easier). Also my ex-lover/ friend got diagnosed with cancer and he moved back to Philadelphia this past December. Another friend I had is now on Crystal Meth so I don't socialize with him.

I do try and get out but Im usually shy. I work in a environment where there are 90 percent females. They talk to me and want to socialize but they are looking to date. I don't want to lead them on so I don't go out with them. I think I may be coming up with my own answer after writing this. Maybe I just need to give things more time for me to adjust to changes in my life. But hell it has been two years. I would think by now I would be ok with being alone most of the time. Instead I find myself being moody a lot. I defnitely don't want more drugs to change my moods. I will probably get off the Lexapro because it isn't helping that much and totally kills my sex drive (which isn't such a bad thing actually).

Has anyone else experienced these type of mood changes. Maybe Im just going through midlife crisis. 

[Andy Velez]

DC, it seems like you have been having a lot of changes to get through in your life. Obviously with coping with HIV plus all of the others with different people in your life. That's a lot to deal with.

I'm wondering if you have seen a therapist or other professional like that where you can talk things out in a safe environment. Isolation kinda feeds on itself and it can all too quickly become a way of life. Have you checked out about ASO facilities in DC where you can get counseling and perhaps participate in groups?

Believe me there are others who share your problem so if you're willing to reach out a bit you may find some good company.

And keep talking to us here.

Cheers, buddy.

[redhotmuslbear]

Life's about changes, your job is to learn to cope with them, whether you like them or not.

As Andy suggested, there are groups available through The Whitman-Walker Clinic in D.C. and the suburbs to provide support and the potential of friendship to help you through changes.  The contacts to learn more are
Scott Shaughnessy (202) 939-7671 or sshaughnessywwc.org or Myrina McCullough (202) 939-7671 or MMcCulloughwwc.org

Cheers,
David

[traveltramp]

Mood changes, well, they happen.  I too have found that I go back and forth from feeling pain to joy and sadness to happiness.  I have been with HIV now for about 6 weeks and have enjoyed some grand suffering.  I say enjoyed because I believe that without great suffering there is no great joy.  Life is a balance and we can't have it sunny all the time.  I go from being very healthy, kind and loving towards myself and others to being very angry and destructive towards myself and others.  I will find the balance as you will too.  Surrender to the situation as there is no other options.  This is who you are, what you are and that is OK.  I run away a lot and now, I am not able to do that.  Where ever I go, I must take me with along for the ride.  It is my hope that though understanding and love and compassion a liberation will be discovered.  I know that I cause my own suffering and that I am responsible and accountable for my actions and non actions.  I have tried (and continue) do deflect my responsibilities on others by either placing my happiness or unhappiness in the hands of others, material things, drugs, etc.  But in the end, when my mind is quite and I have the moments of respect and love for myself... well, all is OK.  HIV or not.  Be kind to yourself and love yourself. 

I don't have many friends and I tend to not stay in a place long enough to make any lasting relationships.  I sometimes resent this, but it is my choice.  Point is, you have to always be your best friend, you must support YOU and you must LOVE you!  Hard to do sometimes when you are against the wall, but it is the truth. 

[DCGUY2007]

"Life's about changes, your job is to learn to cope with them, whether you like them or not."

WOW that sounded very supportive  . I have done very well with changes I think. I workout 3 x week ,not addicted to illegal drugs, or alcohol ,have my own place actually this is my third place I have bought and sold without help from anyone, work full-time job, gone to school,  treat others well and have done all of this while dealing with homophobia, racism and Hiv. Considering all of this I think I have done quite well with coping with lifes changes.   But I do appreciate the feedback. Actually Im feeling better today. Thanks for the info. 

[DCGUY2007]

I forgot to mention that I  just got back from a urology appt I had today. Everything turned out well. I don't have prostate cancer. I think I was more stressed about this appointment then I thought I was. When I left the office this morning I felt so much better. I have learned in therapy that sometimes what we think is really bothering us turns out to be something else. Hooray for good news 

[Ann]

Hi DC,

I used to suffer from mood-swings a lot more than I do now days, and I think it is because I practice meditation on a regular basis for the past few years. It seems to help me keep things in perspective and it also seems to keep me on a more even keel with my moods.

Meditation might be something you could look into. There are plenty of books on the subject and I'm sure there are websites too. Although you might need to pay to learn how to do it (whether by buying a few books or attending some classes) once you know how to do it you can do it anytime, anywhere, and for free as well. One idea is to take some yoga classes as meditation techniques are often taught alongside the yoga postures.

You can do it as much or as little as you like as well. One of the things I like best about meditation is - it's not using drugs to control my moods and there's no side-effects to worry about.

In fact, going to yoga (or similar) classes might help you meet some new friends, and that would surely help too. Isolation isn't good for us at all.

Ann

[DCGUY2007]

Ann,

Thanks for suggesting meditation and Yoga. I used to read some books on Buddhism and meditation. I remember reading a book a while ago called "Peace is Every Step". It was actually good. I was even going to sign up for a yoga class. But the class times  conflicted with my schedule. I totally forgot about all of this.  I think I will look into it again. There is a Yoga center here in DC. Thanks for the feedback. Will let you know how it goes  .

[redhotmuslbear]

Re yoga and meditation.....

I'll have to dig more at home, but there are some outstanding yoga podcasts for getting you started.  I use them in the morning at the gym, as opposed to shelling out money for classes.  One of the podcast instructors made a good point in one installment:  your body will tell you when a pose is right.  Of course, it doesn't hurt to have friends who like to go to the mat, too.

Re meditation..... Check out the Mintwood Zendo one Wednesday evening http://www.mintwoodzendo.org/ for a solid community of LGBTQ Buddhists and non-Buddhists who gather for practice and community.  I haven't been in ages, but I keep a personal practice that includes several friends from time to time.  Great ticks to play at the doctor like I did last week.  Fought traffic to get there, then got hustled back to the exam room.  Blood pressure was 155/105 -- the nurse freaked out, and I told her to just leave me alone for a few minutes.  Doc appeared and rook it, 110/70.  A few moments of bliss do wonders!

[Andy Velez]

Glad to hear about your happy prostate result. Having dealt with the same thing I know how that sword hanging over you can really get you down.

It's good to see how many suggestions you've gotten and that they ring the bell with you.

Cheers,

[DCGUY2007]

You are right Andy, makes me realize I worry about hiv so much and forget that it could be something totally different that takes me out.

[Andy Velez]

...and in the meantime until getting to that endplace, hopefully far in the future, I say look for ways to make your life bigger and to have a lot of fun. Every day.

Cheers,

[JohnOso]

Great thread!

Hope things are going well for you DC....I notice it's been a few days since Andy posted the last reply.

Didn't even think about yoga podcasts...will be doing an iTunes search immediately on it.

I've noticed the mood swings at work recently too....i've snapped back at people (not that they didn't deserve it     but it's really unlike me.  I've tried to take stock of life after the AMG, and apply all those good karma points toward a better state of mind.

Hopefully everyone is finding some sense of solace out there in virtualand.

Hugs,
John

[DCGUY2007]

I still have bad moods too.I have found a solution for this at work though. I bring a gun and set it on my desk so everyone can see it. They all leave me alone now  . Just teasing.

[Andy Velez]

John, obviously the AMG experience was something very special and you can't expect that's going to happen easily anywhere else. 

Connectiing with others,, I mean REALLY connecting is such a great experience. It gets you out of the isolation with thoughts and feelings which is all to easy to fall into. Seeking out ways in which you can express yourself with others is key to avoiding that isolation and can make a huge difference when those darker feelings come up. Getting to know others and allowing yourself to be known can make difficult times much more manageable. So it means with some determination on your part to see out those possibilities in your life.

Not easy work but worthwhile is how I see it.

Cheers,