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Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: fabio on June 06, 2020, 06:06:20 pm

Title: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 06, 2020, 06:06:20 pm
Not if there's legal obligation,but out of question. I recently started dating and had oral,now I feel guilty of not telling the guy. He even tells me he kinda likes me and told me to spend the night (something no-one ever told me b4).
My inner guilt is sort of killing me now,since I don't know if I should tell him. Note that I live in a small island and word goes fast,but I don't want to lie and feel guilty for having oral,even though I'm undetectable and all that. It's been 4 years almost that I've felt that sort of affection and it's getting me very blue.
Sorry for spouting so much nonsense ...
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: em on June 06, 2020, 07:32:08 pm
I have known about my HIV status for around just over thirty  years or so

and have been undetectable for around about give or take a bit over twenty years

I am still scared out of my mind that some ghost from my past will knock at my door and say why did you do this to me ?

that is just me ? 

fear is part of life ,  it will rob you , ruin you crush you .

with this new virus in town ? one would think this should be a thing of the past

if you find comfort in something or reassurance in somehow  please let me know

I have been looking for same answers for maybe longer than you have been alive

myself as well sorry to go on so much ?

the people on this website can be so thin skinned and so easily upset ?

I have tried from time to time to reach out ? my other half gets angry thinking I am stepping out on them ? I have to tell them > it was about HIV , my partner says  it has been so long some times I forget ? 

I wish I could forget > hey maybe the increased mental health meds might do just that I will keep my fingers crossed ?

let me know ? my guess is this just made it worse ?

you are not alone ...       

for me I have done my best to disclose ,,  when I first found out I told anyone who would listen .   then time went by , I gave up thinking time was short .  then this and that . and time went by .   I was very scared and justifiably so three decades ago . now time has passed and maybe the old ways should be left in the old days .

I do not dictate social rules ,  whoever does needs to update them to be in the now instead of like me in the past . 

I hope this helps

em
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 06, 2020, 08:05:53 pm
Thanks Em. I am very shaken and,currently can't sleep for feeling this extreme guilt of something I should have told from the beginning.
I might tell the guy,next time we meet,but I'm scared of both rejection and the whole small community that I live in finding out.
I am very scared and anxious about telling him or not. Idk if his motives are to have a relationship with me or Not,but I don't know what to do.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: Jim Allen on June 06, 2020, 08:32:46 pm
@EM
See you in 30 days. https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=74288.msg769077;topicseen#msg769077

@Fabio.
Quote
if his motives are to have a relationship with me or Not

Let's say this guy is open to developing/starting a relationship, would you at all be interested in a relationship?
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 06, 2020, 08:51:15 pm
I would,but the reaction to the news of me being positive might make him change his mind,plus me not telling him when we had oral and all that scares me even more and makes me feel quite the guilt.....
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: Jim Allen on June 06, 2020, 10:27:44 pm
 :)

Firstly you can't change what has happened just learn from the experience.

Now I am sure there are people with different experiences and thoughts than my own on this topic. Plenty of past threads to read on "disclosure" as well.

My own humble experience, I tend to disclose upfront when dating. This means it's out of the way and I don't waste my time on someone who isn't able to cope with the fact I have a manageable medical condition.  I would not want to be with someone who can't see past things like that anyway.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and rejection is always a risk in dating, however, for me, HIV has never been an issue, sure I've had a few polite "No thank you's" over the years but I've had more people say "no thanks" because I have kids or for other reasons.

Quote
me not telling him when we had oral and all that scares me

You mean his reaction I presume?

Well perhaps find out what his thoughts are on HIV first before telling him. I've heard other people try introducing the topic to test the waters so to speak in a stealth manner, for example, mentioning a news topic about HIV or a program on TV etc, the point is you can see how they respond and if it's really negative you can choose to just move on to the next dating opportunity.

Jim
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: harleymc on June 06, 2020, 10:54:14 pm
The whole 'guilt' issue is about stigma.

The stigma may be amplified by legal constraints of may be internal.  But what you described is zero risk of transmission.  Whether or not there is any legal liability is another matter, we don't know where this occurred.

As for social risk your sex part we would need to be opening themself up to social judgement about having unprotected sex with a stranger.  Ironically you're probably protected from HIV stigma by sex-negative stigma.


Don't go rushing into a relationship just because someone asks you to spend the night.  We are not damaged goods who have to jump at the first sign of being treated with human dignity.

Find out if you like the guy, not just the oral sex.



Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 06, 2020, 11:10:11 pm
That's true,I don't want to jump into something knowing it might hurt me in the End,which is why I'll be up front and just see if it's for real or just mixed signals. Plus I don't know him for that long,but he does keep giving mixed signals.
Anyways,I'm very thankful for your advice. I am gonna just tell it up straight and whatever sticks,just like spaghetti.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: Grasshopper on June 07, 2020, 05:07:46 am
I tested positive in July 1992 and was in a relationship of 3years, and my partner died a year later in 1993 of AIDS. There after I had 4 dates, of which all 4 I told of my condition the moment I felt a sexual interest. The first 2 bailed out immediately, because they got scared or couldn't deal with it. Of course it hurt my ego, but I got over it. The 3rd had no issue with me being hiv positive, and we dated for a few month's and had great (protected sex), but there was something missing and I eventually bailed out. The 4th one I also told beforehand and he also had no problems with it. We became best friends, then roommates, then lovers and finally each others husbands.....and it all started 26 years ago.

Disclosure upfront: Yes. Got hurt: yes. Got over it: yes. And all of this was/happened in 1993/94.......way back when HIV was very scary and a death sentence. How things are these days in the dating scene...I honestly don't know...let alone in a close/small isolated community.

As for mental peace: don't do anything that you are uncomfortable with. If it was a one time roll in the hay, perhaps not worth mentioning your condition. If you think/feel you could at least be (close)friends with this person and trust him, then I would consider confiding in him. ( a "life" person you can confide in instead of us...virtual here in the forums  ;) ).

Good luck and hope/wish thing work out for you guys.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 07, 2020, 10:37:15 am
I believe what you said is true,I need to confirm if this person has a thing or not first and if I,myself,wants something more.
It's very reassuring to have people in here to actually take advice from,I couldn't be more than grateful.  Thanks a lot😊
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on June 09, 2020, 06:07:15 pm
Update: met with the guy again,he wanted to keep it casual,so I just came clear. He just got sad and we just talked and he didn't have too much of a negative reaction.
I don't know if he still wants to see me,but telling made me feel better on the inside. Hell,it's just a damn chronic condition,If I get rejected I'll just move on with my conscious clear.
Thanks for everything ❤
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: Tonny2 on June 10, 2020, 08:52:01 pm


         ojo.        Proud of you Fabio...the most important part of This expirience is that you are feeling better inside which it means that you are a good guy...give this guy sometime to digest the news and, if he comes back to you, take him to your next ID doctor’s appointment So two can learn how to have r sex... I hope you got peace of mind So you can keep going on with your life without stress...hugs amigo.        ojo
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: em on July 06, 2020, 08:58:12 pm
never had the chance to mention the other side ?

someone on this site many years ago had posted a similar dilemma. could be from this data file or the previous one that had been retired ?  having been participating in these forums for many years now .

they met someone . they invited them to their home. they got in their car , when they pulled into the driveway they could not contiain themselves and started to cry.

when the other person got them to calm down they admitted to having HIV .
they said they invited them inside and they never left . that story was to the best of my knowledge at least ten years ago ? could be more ?

they still at the point of the post being my guess . had a met someone and it grew into a lasting relationship

then there is my own story. I met someone brought them to my home. sat them down at the kitchen table . opened the kitchen door for an easy no question egress. so that there would be no reason for them to stay if they so desired . I wanted them to know I was not going to make them stay or get in there way if they chose to leave . they could and not look back.   then Isar at the far end of the table away from the door .  placed my hands on the table then told them I had something to tell them. I said I have  HIV . they got up closed the door and then hugged me . that was thirty years ago . we are still together ?

that was in the spring of 1990 ?  so ya thirty years  . three decades ?

 
so there is no way to tell if for anyone if a relationship will last HIV or not ?

 

hoping you the best

someone is out there.

finding them and making it work , that is not easy HIV or not ?

I hope this late entry was worth the thirty day delay ?

EM

do not get me wrong there are other stories of rejection but that happens HIV or not
life is not easy fare or without risk of rejections .    HIV is just another layer to the complexity of our lives .   


 
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: pozsocalguy on July 11, 2020, 02:28:01 am
I look at it this way...

I wish I would have been told, however, you should treat every person you have sex with like they have the virus.

I say Yes... if it develops more than sex, which sometimes can even happen with a booty call, you will not come off well.

There are plenty of people to have sex with who won't mind. Missing out on a few is not the end of the world.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: harleymc on July 11, 2020, 08:37:42 pm
I inform be wise I am required by law where I live

A few years back I did some back of envelope calculations, on prevalence figures in my community and realised that the risk rates were much higher for partners who were deciding whether or not to have sex with guys based on  self reporting.

I still disclose ,but by disclosing I was increasing community rates of transmission.  It was a bike ethical problem created by stupid laws.

In the four years since  testing, suppression rates and PreP have all increased. The calculations would not be appropriate or accurate now.


There's no neat answer that fits all scenarios.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: skeebo1969 on July 17, 2020, 03:41:28 am
Update: met with the guy again,he wanted to keep it casual,so I just came clear. He just got sad and we just talked and he didn't have too much of a negative reaction.
I don't know if he still wants to see me,but telling made me feel better on the inside. Hell,it's just a damn chronic condition,If I get rejected I'll just move on with my conscious clear.
Thanks for everything ❤


I think you did the right thing.  It may be best to get it out of the way in the beginning that way you protect your own feelings from being hurt down the road.  If you can compartmentalize your emotions, and just remain casual then great, but we all know how difficult that can be.  Love can is a tricky thing...

If you have it in your mind that you are just going to have casual sex with a person, then no.   The only issue is casual sex can lead to something more.

  I'm not saying it is the same thing but imagine if you dated a guy for months.  You guys get serious and he moves in with you.  The day he moves in he says, "oh by the way my kid will be moving in with us too"  having never told you he had a kid.  You'd be a little hurt that he wasn't honest from the beginning.

Dating is tough and emotionally draining... however the rewards can be great.  Keep at it and have fun.

 

Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: fabio on July 17, 2020, 04:56:32 am
Not to mention I kind of hate kids haha.
Anyways,l'm very greatful that i have people i can speak to about these things 😊.
Title: Re: Should you tell people you have sex with?
Post by: elf on July 18, 2020, 03:03:45 pm
We are not damaged goods who have to jump at the first sign of being treated with human dignity.


this :)