POZ Community Forums

Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: em on March 29, 2019, 01:45:30 am

Title: trying to redeem myself
Post by: em on March 29, 2019, 01:45:30 am
trying to think of something to redeem myself. to show just how not crazy I am, but like somethings in life  it is a fool's errand. the more you try to defend yourself the guiltier you seem. just what it is,  accept it and move on.  build a bridge and get over it.

 every choice you make has lead you to the point in your life you are now in .  A few months ago I had an infection in my hand. I had made an appointment for Monday to have it looked at. But on Sunday it was swollen and painful. My wife was out doing something I had the kids.  So I had taken them with me to the emergency room. While there the Doctor sprayed it with topical numbing agent of some sort . then cut into it and cleaned it and removed the infected tissue from around it . My head was spinning from the pain of having my hand cut up. when he finished I put my elbows on my knees my head between my hands and I thought where  am I, then who am I . I had a total brain reboot. I did not have a clue. then I remembered the kids were in the waiting area. I thought I have to get the kids home. then I thought wow I have kids! then the thought I have a home ! wow I am one lucky guy. the memory of who what where slowly came back to me . I thought how great my life really is.

If I had not gotten my HIV diagnosis  when I did. I would not have met my wife and the kids would not be part of my life  Then I would have never had the privilege and honor to have raised them into  teenagers .  the other things in my life that at the time they were happening as bad as they may have seemed have influenced the person I am today. maybe not the best person but a grateful and happy for the most part type of person I would like to think of myself   . HIV be damned . I have lived and have so much to show for it . with luck there might be so much more life left to live .

sorry if this is not the type of stuff people may be looking for I just wanted to share an uplifting experience as pain full as it was that made me realize just how lucky I am.

 if I already wrote about this sorry for repeating myself  must be a sign of my mental illness. build a bridge. 

thank you for having this place to share a thought

and all the best to you