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Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: PittGurl on October 08, 2018, 11:44:30 pm

Title: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: PittGurl on October 08, 2018, 11:44:30 pm
So I'm reaching out for help to understand this and get some advice ASAP since I can't get in touch with my doctor and or my caseworker. As you see in my signature I've been poz for 3 years and undetectable for almost that entire time as I got on meds asap as they caught me in sero. (started a new thread for this bc mine is sooo long)

im a hetero woman and  I started dating a guy exclusively this past year and just like many of us he had a pretty wild past. When we got together I told him before anything physically happened that I was poz and he was with it and said okay this is going to be the last relationship for both of us. I care about him, I'm in love with him and I feel like he is also.

He had gotten tested before me and told me it was a negative ... although I didn't see these tests because it was before me I can only take his word for it. We did not use protection nor was he using prep because my doctors had said that if I was undetectable I couldn't pass it to someone and it was left at his choice on how to handle it. He chose no condoms.

My numbers are still good and undetectable as of my last blood tests in August. He got a phone call today from his clinic that his HIV test came up positive. I'm almost sure I couldn't have given it to him but if he's tested negative before and now he's positive and we've been together for a year? Yes, we had broken up a few times thru the year as we both coped with being older dating and set in ways, plus I am a single mom and he has no kids.

He's handling it completely different than I did. Which is okay I guess men handle things differently?  I was a total basket case. But he has seen me have a healthy and happy life so far, raising my children working at a great job Etc

So my questions are:
 should I be worried about myself right now if my numbers are still good?

 What about sex at this point? We were very active and now I feel total disconnect because I don't know anything at this point. I read about this superinfection or co-infection and that scares the poop out of me

any other advice?
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: Jim Allen on October 09, 2018, 03:06:32 am
Hiya

Quote
my doctors had said that if I was undetectable I couldn't pass it to someone

Correct, glad to hear your doctor's are aware of this.
As long as you are UD for 6 months and than remain adherent to treatment, you simply are not at risk for forward transmission.

Practical side to this, since you broke up for a while and he managed to acquired HIV from somewhere and you are now back together, is to both test for easier to transmit STI's. There are easier to acquire STI he's might have acquired! Ill skip the condom lecture.

As for superinfection - reinfection or however you call it its highly rare to start with and doubted by some.

Personally the way I see it as long as you're UD and remain adherent I don't personally see an issue. Your HIV treatment is working, it would act as PrEP .

Also if his results are confirmed he will hopefully start his own treatment soon.

We have a few threads on this, people on HIV treatment worried about HIV exposure I mostly move them to the "Prevention forum"

https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=68615.msg
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=66185.msg
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=65688.msg

Hope this helps.

Jim
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: lightalltheway on October 09, 2018, 04:08:30 am
Coinfection can happen with transmitting another strain of HIV virus. The good news is that you are UD and as a matter of fact you can not transmit the virus.

However, it worths a visit for the doctor to make sure things are alright and a general check up for other STD's.

Light all the way,
Prince
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: Jim Allen on October 09, 2018, 05:06:15 am
Prince.

Quote
Coinfection can happen with transmitting another strain of HIV virus.

Giving some context to statements is really important when talking to people who are worried/scared.

Its extremely rare, with very few documented cases post HAART era. I don't believe it is something the OP who is on treatment should be actively worrying about. Suspect there are greater odds of getting hit by a meteorite in the head today.

Jim 

I think Leatherman gave good content in his post when posting on the subject last year and I could not say it better.

reinfection is very rare. I doubt you'll be case #20 after 35+ yrs of HIV data collection.

there are a couple of points that always need to be made during a "reinfection"/"superinfection" conversation:

1. in most of the cases when someone HIV+ became infected with another strain of HIV, the reinfected person  had a high viral load (so they were already failing therapy or were not adherent to their meds) along with the other partner who also had a high viral load (because that's how transmission works ;) )

2. don't forget, your antiretroviral regime will probably work as a prophylaxis against any incoming HIV, the same way PEP and PrEP work

summing up, UD means not only will you not transmit HIV but it also means that you have the proper levels of meds (and the proper low level of HIV :) ) in your system so that even if you are exposed to more HIV, and perhaps a different strain, you have a great deal of protection heading off "reinfection"(obviously it's pretty good protection since there have only been 19 cases :D )

Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: skeebo1969 on October 09, 2018, 06:32:59 am


  They gave him his results over the phone?  A majority of doctors refuse to do this even if the test is negative. 
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: PittGurl on October 09, 2018, 10:37:45 pm
I really appreciate all the feedback. I want to be supportive of his journey.

As far as results over the phone, I guess that is up to the ethics of the dr? He lives an hour from where his drs are located.

So as far as moving forward with our relationship - common sense tells me to wait until he is on meds (he has appt Monday) and when he is UD? Thoughts? 

Also i guess condoms are forever on my grocery list now?  I hate them so much - even as a woman it takes away the feeling :(
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: Jim Allen on October 10, 2018, 12:27:10 am
Quote
Also i guess condoms are forever on my grocery list now?  I hate them so much - even as a woman it takes away the feeling :(

I tell the "AM I" posters who are in "monogamous" relationships and ditch the condom to keep testing for STI's at least yearly. Trust does not prevent STI's, I tell the ones using condoms the same thing as, sex comes with risks, hence overall its "safer" sex, not "safe" sex.  Even with condom usage that reduces exposure, some easier to transmit STI's can be still be acquired through skin to skin contact from the areas not covered by condoms or through activities simply not covered by condoms

Quote
So as far as moving forward with our relationship - common sense tells me to wait until he is on meds (he has appt Monday) and when he is UD? Thoughts?

Why? When you presumed he was negative you accepted the risk of acquiring super-infection should he ever acquire HIV, its so rare, minute risk as your treatment acts are PrEP for you and so it did not factor into the decision process than, I'm not seeing the big difference now you know he is living with HIV.

My only thoughts are if you are back together than it would be wise to use condoms for now to reduce co-infection risks from other STI's at least until you both get tested for easier to transmit STI's

Jim
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: LiveWithIt on October 10, 2018, 05:26:38 pm
He was probably poz before hand, or got it elsewhere if not.  Plus it's rare for women to pass it to men thru sex, for an undetectable woman I would think that reduces the chances greatly.
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: skeebo1969 on October 10, 2018, 08:19:27 pm



  I'll even add, it is even more rare for a woman who is on meds to pass it on to a man.  His being okay with it and shrugging it off would be a sign even more so.  It's your choice to accept it as is, nothing wrong with that.

  Regarding superinfection or coinfection, I don't know why it's a concern of yours now.  My wife and I have been together for close to 13 years and never used condoms.  Once again this is your choice, but I think it's prudent to know HIV super bugs are most likely the least of your worries.

  I would follow advice on routinely getting a full STD panel done to make sure he isn't giving you any surprises.
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: PittGurl on October 10, 2018, 08:27:14 pm
Thanks everyone - im moving into an emotional state right now with maybe coming to terms with him knowing prior and not telling me? or that maybe he did sleep with someone else during one of our break ups - but that would make him a liar bc he told me he didn't. Obviously, its not cheating bc we broke up but a liar ...i cant deal with.

Alot of things just dont add up. He's pushing me away too -  here I am the one that has been going thru this for 3 years wouldnt you think you would at least want to talk about what is next? I feel we are falling apart.

I have a dr appt tomorrow with my ID dr to talk and ask to be tested for other STDs - just in case, i have to think about me now. Although he calls that selfish. :(

Im really sad right now....
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: skeebo1969 on October 10, 2018, 08:49:50 pm

  When things don't seem right a lot of times it is because it is not. 


   We are not able to give you concrete advice that you can necessarily take to the bank either on this matter.  You are the one going through the motions and should have some intuition on what is going on.

   I feel bad that you are sad, almost wishing I kept my opinion to myself.  I never want to make another person sad.  I know that feeling of being unsure in a relationship and it sucks.  I hope you find answers because you certainly deserve them.  You've lived through the hardship of being diagnosed and do not need anymore crap added to your plate.  And, please do not settle for less just because you are positive.  A lot of us here have found lasting relationships even in spite of being positive.

  Sister, please keep your chin up.
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: PittGurl on October 10, 2018, 08:56:15 pm
skeebo1969 - i cant thank you enough for sharing your thoughts. i tend to look past the obvious and see the good in people. Prob why i am where i am.... i value the insight....it just hurts alot to feel like someone didnt have enough character (again) to value me. im going to head to the gym ....otherwise a gallon of ice cream might be on the menu tonight...and a bottle of wine.

btw when i tried to ask him about the last time he was tested and how it didn't make sense he said why you are playing detective instead of worrying that i get care that i need. that spoke alot to me :(
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: bocker3 on October 11, 2018, 07:51:58 am
it's rare for women to pass it to men thru sex

OK, I can't let this one sit here unaddressed -- This thought is just wrong.  Heterosexual transmission is the main route of infection in the vast majority of cases world wide (may not be the case in the US and other western countries, but ......).  With heterosexual transmission it can't be just men passing to women.

The false notion that it is rare for woman to pass it to men or bottoms to pass it to tops is one reason this epidemic continues to rage.

Of course in THIS case, I do agree that there is virtually no risk of an UD person (man or woman) to pass it on to their partner (man or woman).

Mike
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: skeebo1969 on October 13, 2018, 09:09:42 pm

Of course in THIS case, I do agree that there is virtually no risk of an UD person (man or woman) to pass it on to their partner (man or woman).

Mike

I assumed she was from Pittsburgh.  Now that you bring in up though, she could be from Boston.  That would change everything.
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: CaveyUK on October 18, 2018, 03:48:05 pm
OK, I can't let this one sit here unaddressed -- This thought is just wrong.  Heterosexual transmission is the main route of infection in the vast majority of cases world wide (may not be the case in the US and other western countries, but ......).  With heterosexual transmission it can't be just men passing to women.

The false notion that it is rare for woman to pass it to men or bottoms to pass it to tops is one reason this epidemic continues to rage.

Of course in THIS case, I do agree that there is virtually no risk of an UD person (man or woman) to pass it on to their partner (man or woman).

Mike

I was going to say the same thing, so glad this was pointed out.

Of course, statistically, HIV is a difficult virus for any sexuality even with 'perfect' conditions with the odd's massively stacked in the negative partners favour. It is true that statistically the risk is reduced further with vaginal sex, however the truth is that people can and do transmit HIV through any single act and there are plenty of people who acquired HIV through vanilla vaginal sex.

As others have said, Pittsgurl's partner either had HIV before they met and didn't disclose (or didn't know), or picked it up during their break up. It only really matters if PittGurl is bothered about it - which I wouldn't be, personally!
Title: Re: Poz and now bf is poz?? Shed some light please.....
Post by: em on October 28, 2018, 09:09:45 pm
My memory may be a bit cloudy on this but A discordant study from a while back somewhere over twenty years ago or so there was over hundred or so couples. Two people became HIV + they did a comparative genome test if I recall correctly and the viruses did not match. This concluded that the virus was not from the HIV+ partner and the negative partner was stepping out on the relationship and did not disclose this to the study. Just because you are Undetectable does not mean the other person can not get HIV from anyone else they become intimate with. I read this a long time ago and thought it might be relevant to this situation.

personally I would not push this topic to hard if you intend to continue the relationship I am sure they are  not willing to divulge the truth in a situation like this and might be hard to reconcile. just my thought on it . I would guess if they are trying to guilt you into thinking this is your fault it might be a hard relationship to live with.

hope you find a way to build a relationship with love and trust and forgiveness you can enjoy and feel safe in

I hope this is helpful and all the best to you.


sorry if this is not as clear and concise as you may have wanted to read  but the information i hope helps as examples others have lived through