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Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: Ferzoas on August 27, 2016, 01:44:27 am

Title: Advice needed: neg guy dating a pos guy
Post by: Ferzoas on August 27, 2016, 01:44:27 am
So... I know this topic has been discussed quite a lot but I'd really like advice on the matter.

I met this guy a few months ago and we've been dating for a month or so. Last week he disclosed his HIV status (+) to me and we discussed it. He was diagnosed recently (less than 8 months ago apparently, can`t recall the exact date) and has been taking his meds, however he is still to be tested to see if his treatment is working so I don't know his VL, CD4 etc. Being a former med student I'm quite educated in the clinical aspect of HIV/AIDS and I know the almost negligible risk of getting infected by him if he has an undetectable VL and we have safe sex. However, I still have this nagging fear.

I want to be with him, he lights up my world and I haven't felt anything like this in ages. Is there any advice you could give me on how to shake off this feeling?
Title: Re: Advice needed: neg guy dating a pos guy
Post by: mecch on August 27, 2016, 03:42:21 am

What country are you in? In many countries when a person get diagnosed and starts treatment, there are follow up tests more frequently than you have reported for your friend. 8 months?

I was tested every 4 months my first year. on treatment.

So anyway, sure, when he gets the undetectable result, that will calm your worry a bit.

Keep this in mind.  I had HIV+ boyfriends when I was HIV- and 2 were before there was treatment and HIV infection meant death.  I used condoms and continued in the relationships without getting infected, but its not like the worry could every evaporate 100%.  I think I had more "will" when I was young.

All you are going to get is the science proof that if your partner is undetectable and you use condoms, that is 2, count em 2, reassurances that you are not going to get HIV from him.  So try it with that reassurance.  If you STILL have too much anxiety, then you have to cross that bridge - figure out how to manage your anxiety, or break up.
Title: Re: Advice needed: neg guy dating a pos guy
Post by: Ferzoas on August 27, 2016, 12:14:07 pm
I'm from Mexico and I think he hasn't been tested because of bureaucracy. His doctor is coming back from holidays soon and if everything goes right he'll have his results in two weeks. We agreed to wait until his VL is undetectable and according to what I've read that could take a while... so yeah, it's not like tomorrow I'll have sex with him.

I know I have to cross that bridge... I'm just afraid. It's not a paralyzing feeling. I know all the facts and they are very reassuring and yet I still fear... Sounds silly right?

When I was reading this forum the reality of it hit me. I guess you always see it from a distant perspective but when it knocks at your door it's a whole different experience. Besides everything, I'm really grateful about this whole thing... makes me see things differently.

If you don't mind me asking mecch... how did you personally dealt with it (being neg in a magnetic relationship)? what did you feel?

Title: Re: Advice needed: neg guy dating a pos guy
Post by: mecch on August 27, 2016, 04:48:55 pm
I told you in my post that it was when there was no treatment. It doesn't relate to now, how I felt in general.  I mostly stopped worrying about getting HIV from a boyfriend or anyone.   I got HIV many years later in 2007 or 8.

There is even less reason to carry this worry today for someone in your situation.  Some people can get over anxiety some people can't.  There are some people who would never ever even kiss an HIV+ person even today.