POZ Community Forums

Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: seaduck on September 28, 2008, 03:58:31 pm

Title: Where do I start?
Post by: seaduck on September 28, 2008, 03:58:31 pm
My story is so weird that I've never found a place to talk about it....then, I stumbled in here.  :D
My son is pos and has put me through hell in the past 18 years over it. He's currently incarcerated and this is a common occurrence with him. I love this guy with a mother's unconditional love and devotion. My son is a drug using, non-compliant alcoholic. This guy will do anything to get high! He has been pos for 18 years and NEVER takes his meds (except when he's locked up). This guy has pulled so much crud that I've had to finally distance myself from him to survive. He's been given every chance in the book to go down a different path but never goes further than the first bend in the road. I've never seen anyone abuse himself as much as my son and be as healthy as he is! He has mental issues, has brought so much physical harm to himself and then there's the flip-side....when he's in jail...
He's funny, smart, generous, handsome, hygienic, and when he's locked up he's compliant with his meds, he's articulate, loving, cooperative, and everything I wish he could be on a full-time basis. I don't know how many of you have ever been 'in the system' but he's even gone through DOSA and got high 1 week after graduating!! This last time, I withdrew my address as a place for him to go after release. He cannot come here and stay. It breaks my heart because doing nothing is the best thing I can do...and I wish I could do something. Wow, this is a long one! Whew!! Maybe this should be a blog? :-\  This post is but the tip of the iceberg, but I thank you for letting me release. In 18 years, I've never talked to anyone about all of this. Thanks...
Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: Peter Staley on September 28, 2008, 04:26:34 pm
seaduck -- welcome to our forums!

I removed the light-green coloring you used on the text in your post -- it made it almost impossible to read.
Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: xyahka on September 29, 2008, 03:53:11 am
Hi seaduck.

I am so glad you found this forums and found a place to express yourself, i think you are doing right, there is a moment where we have to drive our own life... i know mothers always try to protect us and prevent us from any suffering... but there is a moment we have to start doing that for ourselves.

Not sure if you believe in God or any deity (goddess) people say here in Latin America, that love can make miracles and that the prayer of a mother is never left unheard. Talk to the one you believe in about your son and let your son knows you love him... and because you love him, you let him learn from his own mistakes.

You are an awesome woman, your son is lucky, very lucky and i am sure he knows it. Send you lot of love.

Juan Carlos
Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: seaduck on September 29, 2008, 07:54:51 pm
Peter...thanks for the correction   ;D when I previewed my post, I thought that the green was too bright so I tried to change it to indigo, but it wouldn't cooperate! Can ya tell I'm new here...?  :-[
And Juan....thanks for the encouragement. Yes...I believe in a Goddess diety, I'm a pagan. I believe in the cycle, the wheel, the seasons, karma and in the power that we each have within us. I'm SO glad my son is locked up right now! I can exhale, and we get along great. He can't use, lie to me, steal to support his habits and he really settles in to the structure there because out here...he lives his life like his hair is on fire and well...I won't get started again  ::)  I admit that there's only so much a loved one can do, and I've done it all at one time or another. I also have learned that you can't help someone that won't use the help they're given. Thank you again! Muchos Gracias!
Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: Ann on September 30, 2008, 07:09:09 am
Hi Seaduck,

Have you ever thought about getting involved in alanon/narconon? It's a support system similar to AA and NA, only it's for the people in the addict's life who are also affected by the use. I'm sure if you google them you'll be able to find a chapter near you.

As for the hiv side of things, there's another member here who goes by the name of Hope and Cope. Read her threads in this (Someone I Care About) forum. She's getting something together on-line for parents of positive people for support. You can contact her in her threads, or if you post again, you can PM (private message) her and get in touch. (You have to have posted three times before you gain the ability to use PMs. If you don't know how to use them, just ask here and we'll walk you through it.)

I know it's difficult, but you're doing the right thing by refusing to continue enabling him. Good luck and stick to your guns.

Oh, and welcome to the forum!

Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: HopeandCope on September 30, 2008, 12:05:35 pm
Anne's advice regarding Al-anon is a great avenue for you to explore.  Being a Mom myself I know exactly how you feel with frustrations regarding your son's addictions.  Add him being Poz as well is sometimes to much to bear.

This is a great place to start to get advice, vent and gather some cyber-hugs.

Hang in there - you are truly walking a difficult path but it will get easier.

Title: Re: Where do I start?
Post by: seaduck on September 30, 2008, 10:11:49 pm
Thanks so much for the tips people! Way back in the beginning right after we found out his status and while I was still freaking out thinking my son was going to die a horrible death in the next few days, I went to a recommended 'support group' (not AA or NA). As I sat there listening, I realized that of the dozen mothers in the room, I was the only one there whose son was still alive! These mothers were all waaaay ahead of me in the process and I felt guilty because I hadn't  lost my son yet. That was about 1993 while I was still living in MI and I never went back. The absolute best advice I was given was from a wonderful woman at CARES. She said," your life will never be the same but you will find a new 'normal' one day." She was so right!  So to you Ann and to you HopeandCope, thank you for throwing me a rope! I think I will google the organization and see what's up. I will probably seek support online because I'm rather shy and not good with strangers.