POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: DOUBLE_DECKER on May 27, 2012, 02:03:19 pm
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I am a 19 year old male (young I know please don't remind me). Last year I slept with someone I shouldn't have and caught HIV and syphilis the latter been successfully treated. I've had pre existing medical conditions which are epilepsy and depression though I was coping well been in college and doing my own thing and all I feel is hopelessness now (In all honesty I think shit of myself when I shouldn't). Lately I lack empathy for others. I feel lost and I decided to write this because I'm anonymous and writing it helps me. The clinical health adviser referred me to this site because he said it had a good wealth of information that might be helpful.I've always been unsettled trying to live independently as much as I can since the age of 16 however things always messed up all time either it was or some external factor the damage of not having a family there when I needed them the most is done. I've been dropping weight like crazy I was at 64 and now I'm 52 kilograms in just a matter of weeks been eating less I guess. My CD4 and viral load is fantastic at 900 and 740 respectively when they last checked which was in March. I have now got my new GP to refer me to the Infectious Diseases (which is just an awful name to give it if you ask me) department at my local hospital. I've been thinking of the absolute worst and I know I shouldn't. I have nothing that I should be ashamed of it's part of me now. I've just got to come terms with it now. I remind myself that every day but at the back of it all I still wonder how does it affect me even though the advisers . I don't want to be treated like some 'freak' (I don't want to offend anyone its just how I feel). I had a psychologist from the sexual health clinic who was genuinely worried about me and she was always ready to help and was patient with me even though I occasionally missed appointments or needed a letter. I don't have that support as of current because I've moved to a new place in a new city but I will probably soon. All I want to do is stop feeling like this because it feels like an absolute 'hell'.
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please calm down,
i ve infected 3 months ago, and diagnosed 2 months ago. i felt depression, the worst. and anxiety. most of us went through that way man. but remember that you are lucky one. you have good numbers, you have meds available, and you don't live in a 3rd world country. i know you are young but as long a you use your meds, go to your controls, and use condoms for sex, that s all. hiv is medically and sociologically complex disease, but for doctors and sociologist, not for us. everything we should do is quite simple, and this shouldn't effect your life as much as it is now. just calm down, don't think yourself like a zombie. people have hiv, hepatitis b, hepatitis c and several viral diseases for hundreds of years. because hiv is transmitted with sexual intercourse, and makes opportunistic infections doesn't mean it is more deadly disease than hep c. they are all the same, they are just viruses. leave it that way, and get used to your meds and some changes in your life style. you are not the one who will find the cure for hiv. you just do what you should do and live as long as you can. leave the rest to the doctors and scientists, they can bear the medical side of the virus.
cheers.