I tested positive last Friday

[glove]

I had a really hard weekend. I haven’t told anyone yet but the doctor who diagnosed me was great and his partner has HIV and that helped. I’ve already had problems with depression my whole life and this has really activated it.

My health peripherals were good and I went right on antivirals. My doctor said 100% I’d become undetectable.

I’m struggling with so many things. Part of the reason I’m here is because there are parts of my sexuality that were hard to share with people, especially my family. And I’m very close with them. There has been a lot of ground trail blazed around being gay but not a great playbook or one that I saw to say “hey I like 3somes and trans women” and it didn’t get much easier when my partners never really responded well when I confided that to them.

There are parts of my life that I’ve excelled at and other parts that have been so messy and i’m just afraid to be viewed as just way too messy by some people that have even stuck by me.

Part of me acknowledges that I should feel grateful that this isn’t a death sentence. I am worried about the side effects that I’ve read and basically aging faster and dying a little earlier. But i’m someone that likes to make calculations to feel comfortable and there are too many unknowns to make these calculations.

I’ve been a bit of a lone wolf in some ways in my life and I’ve never minded spending a lot of time alone. But right now I’ve never felt more alone, I have resources. I’m talking with my therapist today but I just wanted to put myself out there a bit here because I know some people have probably grappled with some of these same things.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Sorry to hear about the diagnosis but glad to hear you have started treatment and have support from a therapist.

As for side effects, I think it's normal to have some concerns at first but you should not be expecting anything that can't be managed outside of settling in.

I presume you have started on first-line treatment...What combination of meds did you start on?

My doctor said 100% I’d become undetectable.

Sure, you should be fully expecting that the combination you are starting will suppress the viral load with time, if not then you can switch treatment so, it's not something to stress about at this point in time.

What was your starting viral load?

I’ve read and basically aging faster and dying a little earlier. But i’m someone that likes to make calculations to feel comfortable and there are too many unknowns to make these calculations.

Yeah, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would cut life short, what I mean is life is full of unknowns, always will be, but that aside thankfully a lot is known about HIV treatment, how comorbidities impact us and how treatment has extended our expected lifespans as a group to near normal.

I’m struggling with so many things. Part of the reason I’m here is because there are parts of my sexuality that were hard to share with people, especially my family. And I’m very close with them. There has been a lot of ground trail blazed around being gay but not a great playbook or one that I saw to say “hey I like 3somes and trans women” and it didn’t get much easier when my partners never really responded well when I confided that to them.

Sorry to hear that your partners in the past have not responded well. I hope that one day you meet a partner who is comfortable with who you are.

Take it easy.

Jim 

[glove]

Thanks Jim

I presume you have started on first-line treatment...What combination of meds did you start on?

Just 1, Dovato

What was your starting viral load?

191,000

Yeah, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow and that would cut life short, what I mean is life is full of unknowns, always will be, but that aside thankfully a lot is known about HIV treatment, how comorbidities impact us and how treatment has extended our expected lifespans as a group to near normal.

I'm pretty good at ignoring things that I have no control of and making the best of things and am understanding and accepting of people for the best and worst of them. I'm much more worried about how potential partners will view me. And thinking through when to tell people. I think those are more of the calculations I'm referring to. How others will view me around this potentially shorter lifespan and risks. (even if I can understand well that they are negligible)

I think that's my biggest struggle right now I'm 36 and haven't chosen the best partners or been the best at meeting people generally so this feels like another obstacle for something that already felt really daunting.

[Jim Allen]

Dovato  So the two-drug therapy. The Dolutegravir in Dovato isn't everyone's cup of tea but generally speaking, you should not be expecting issues.

I'm much more worried about how potential partners will view me. And thinking through when to tell people.

I think that's my biggest struggle right now I'm 36 and haven't chosen the best partners or been the best at meeting people generally so this feels like another obstacle for something that already felt really daunting.

Right, so you know I have a few thoughts on this, however, I am out and about using my phone to post, so ill reply later today when I get home to my laptop.

Don't want you to think I am ignoring you.