POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: tendai on September 03, 2007, 04:30:57 am
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hie ladies,
i just wanted to rant. yesterday was my birthday i turned 28. so this guy whos asking me out right we go out for the day, just hang out eating and drinking having conversation. we even talked about hiv and how its hard to keep infection rate down because of men who tend to lose control with women they barely know and end up having unprotected sex. and he was saying how wrong that was and people should behave more responsibly.
so he takes me home and i want to give him back his sweater that he lent me. so anyway we started making out and all. and there he goes trying to screw me without a condom! after what we had been discussing and whats more this relationship isnt even a week old for heavens sake! i had to hit him and kick him out. i was so ticked off. he really seemed like he was an intelligent understanding guy witha good head on his shoulders and it turns out he's just a sex maniac. i am so furious with myself for . well i dont know, i'm angry and so disappointed. what is wrong with men? or is it me? do i invite sex maniacs or something?
in high school this lady had a meeting with us girls and said "if u see all the guys flocking around you dont think u're pretty, you're like rotten meat attracting flies". makes me rethink things a lot..
just venting thanks for listening
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Hi Tendai
Glad you posted, sorry for the circumstances. How disappointing for you. The fact that you had to hit him to get him to back off puts it at the frightening level in my book. I'm glad you are okay.
I'm not so sure it's always a matter of drawing a particular type of person. Some people are going to attempt to get their agenda met no matter what the other person says or does. Just imagine...in your case, you had the sense to hit him, another woman may have been passive and thinking it was a no win situation.
I don't think the topic of your sexual conversation could have been any more precise. Perhaps he felt that having touched the topic meant he could touch you. I gather there won't be another date, so you can't ask him why he behaved so poorly.
Short of asking a man directly if he's ever raped a woman, or if he's ever been relentlessly sexually forward, or if he respects women especially his mother, I don't know how one would assess attitudes except through the process of dating. This can take a long time unfortunately.
I want to move to something different for a moment.
Happy Birthday
Em
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Hey Ten-
A lot of guys I think will try to put up a good front to see if you trust them enough to take things to a different level. Like Em said, the fact that you had to hit him and kick him out to get him to stop is not good. It's too bad we can't see into the future or what's really going on inside someone's mind. It sounds like he said all the right things to get you to trust him enough to have him into your place. I myself would rather someone be right up front with me about what they're expecting. I can't stand it when someone tries to play mind games.
It doesn't sounds like there's anything you could have done differently. I don't think it's a matter of attracting certain types of people. Please don't equate yourself with spoiled meat. I know it seems like "it's just the same old song and dance" when something like this happens. But don't sell yourself short. Just chalk it up to a bad experience and move on.
Peace-
Betty
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Tendai,
your teacher is wrong... talking about ppl like meat is wrong... she sounded like she yearned for a fly or two of her own...
seriously, dont blame yourself. the guy is a slick bastard who is probabaly targeting numerous women with his moves. just move on and take a lesson with you for the future, be careful b/c anyone can talk the talk...
A Big Happy Birthday to you! don't let that piece of rotten meat spoil anything ;)
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Tendai,
... she sounded like she yearned for a fly or two of her own...
I was thinkin' the same thing. Perhaps teacher was jealous of student/s.
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Hello, Tendai, First of allHappy Belated Birthday. Sorry that you had to deal with that. Sounds like it turned really scary. Glad you were able to get him to stop. Hoping you have better days. Cristy
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TENDAI!!!
Love-
Betty
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Thank you all so much. I feel so much better now. I was starting to lose confidence in myself as a person. things like that can make you feel like u're just a piece of ass. can u imagine he's busy texting me asking why i'm ignoring him - as if he did nothing wrong! think i ought to give him a piece of my mind.
i've resolved to give myself a time-out from relationships. u know, spend time by myself sort out my priorities and all. i feel so much better without having the stress of a relationship weighing on me
one thing this experience has made me realise is that maybe the disclosure thing. well i now think disclosing upfront is the best way to go for these idiot perverts' safety if nothing else. i mean while we were having that talk about HIV if i had disclosed to him he wouldnt have tried what he did would he?
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Sounds like a real jerk. Who knows, he probably would have tried regardless because he is a jerk. I don't think it was your fault but if you can safely give him a piece of your mind, go for it. If you don't think it would be safe and it might not, he's already shown he's a jerk and potential Date rapist, then just ignore him. Best of luck to you and hope you will be well. Cristy
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Hi Tendai~
I have at times found myself trying to initiate an "HIV talk" with a neggie who doesn't know of my pos status. Its really like putting on your game face. I bet this guy had NO idea you were pos. This DOES NOT give him the excuse to come on strongly whatsoever. I am miffed that he didn't pull out a condom if he was trying to have sex with you. Sure, I know one thing can lead to another with men, as they usu have only one thing on their minds. Be careful who you take home so things have NO chance of escalating to the next level and becoming dangerous for you again. I know you've heard it before, but stay in a public place, don't invite someone home until you know him better. You never know what can happen. I'm sorry this had to happen on your birthday weekend.
Hang in there!
~Cindy
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You're so right. no one's ever coming to my place again without rigorous screening. Maybe never again. These men are such pests. You have to lie to them so they wont insist on coming to your place. If that what it takes then i'd lie my ass off. Usually i say i stay with my older sister and her husband so right away coming to my place would be a no-no. wish i'd had the foresight to say that to this one.
so he was texting me yesterday complaining bout why i wasnt replying his texts and how he's got his pride and whatnot. i texted him back that i didnt want to see him anymore cos i oculdnt trust him or feel safe with me.
he goes: 'u have my assurance that i u are safe with me. whats the point of apologising, i already said im sorry and if u cant take that then its unfortunate'
i told him i cant do it and then he says 'ok then if thats what u want then its ok, it was nice knowing u'
so i think thats that, then he sends me another sms saying "i was beginning to have second thoughts about u too so its ok. just bring me my sweater tomorrow."
As if. trying to piss me off
so i reply and say " i have to burn that sweater - its a closure thing"
then he says ' i need my sweater i only gave u coz it was cold. if i had bought it for you i wouldnt ask for it back'
then i said " it doesnt matter that u didnt buy it for me i'm still going to burn it'
he said "r u crazy?
Me: no
Him: Please give me my Diesel sweater back tomorrow
Me: Yes i will dip in diesel first before i burn it , should make a nice fire'
Him: Really
Me: Yes really
My phone went flat then and there was no electricity so i couldnt put it on the charger. When the power came back on and it had charged he had replied that i can do what i want.
of course i wont burn the damn sweater. i'm still deciding on whether to hang onto it as a memento or give him back. for sure i dont feel sorry for him that i would give him back because he asks for it. if i give him back i'll do when i want to give it back to him.
i know its a bit childish of me but if i made his blood pressure go up just a little bit because of this sweater thing, then YIPPEE! my tiny bit of revenge.
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LOL, glad you strung him along with the sweater burning thing! That is a riot! You had him going, didn't you? LOL ::)
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:D :D :D burning the sweater......
I might get his address and mail it to him. I wouldn't hang it up though. I would want to put the memory of your situation in "the vault." You know, not forgetting it, but in a way forgetting it. I wouldn't want to have any memory of him around.
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yeah i did have a snigger or two at his expense. still smile when i think of it. he came and picked it up at work today. least i didnt throw it at him. well thats a chapter closed and best forgotten now. have i learned my lesson! thanks for all the support ladies
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JMO Mail his sweater to him.. just because he was a jerk doesn't mean you should be.
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Honestly, I can feel where Silence is coming from. What is the point of keeping the sweater but feels your point too Tendai, if it makes you feel better, burn it. It's not like he is gonna take you to Judge Judy for it. ;D
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Hey everyone:
If you read Tendai's posts, he ended up coming to pick up the sweater from her where she works. Just FYI.....