Husband cheated, now he's pos and I'm neg.

[rosegold]

Hello,
Let's start by saying 2016 has been a crap year. Last month my husband went to the hospital for a mental health crisis and while he was there they apparently tested him for HIV. He got a call from the health dept a couple weeks later asking to come to the house and speak with him. I have been tested and I'm neg. We have been together 6 years and have a 3 year old and an 18 month old. He obviously cheated and has admitted to it but says it was 3 months ago. However, when he went to the specialist his cd4 level was only 207 and his viral load was 115,000. Everything I have read on it seems that  getting a cd4 level that low would probably take years. But if he has had it for years then I would think I would be infected already. Anyways, I guess it doesn't really matter HOW LONG he's had it, fact is....he has it. But does cd4 level being 207 probably mean he's had it longer than 3 months. Also, I'm really struggling on what I should do. The HIV isn't as hard for me to get past as the cheating. I don't want to break up our family but he is a jerk, more than a jerk, for all of this. Idk what I'm looking for? Advice? I know only I can decide. But.....I need some thoughts.

[Ptrk3]

rosegold:  I've removed your duplicate post from the "Living with HIV" forum in order that your single post can be responded to in one thread.

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Look he could indeed have a very low CD4 count after 3 months, we have no way of knowing what his "normal" range was pre-infection, and as you mention it does not really matter.

Focus on the relationship if you wish for it continue it and perhaps talk to a couples therapist if needed to work through it. Seek help with this and keep in mind it will take time to heal. 

Use condoms for intercourse of course.

Whatever you decide, stay or go I wish you both all the best.

Jim 

[mecch]

I suggest you see a therapist and talk through what you are going to do about both the cheating and of course the serodiscordant relationship. good luck.

[Skydrake]

his cd4 level was only 207 and his viral load was 115,000. Everything I have read on it seems that  getting a cd4 level that low would probably take years..

Not always. The graph below shows the typical rate for the CD4 count in the time, in a common patient:


(note the drop After 1-2 months)

But it's an average. There are patients with a minimal variation of CD4s, others with a sharp drop of CD4s and a partial recovering after some months, other patients (a very few) with no depletion of CD4s at all even after 10 years and some (usually with other co-pathologies) with a fast worsening of the immune conditions in very short period of time.

[leatherman]

Use condoms for intercourse of course.

also check into PrEP, a medication for HIV negative people. If used properly (100% adherence) it can protect you from becoming infected. Of course, PrEP should be used in conjunction with condoms for maximum protection

[CaveyUK]

Once he is stable on meds and undetectable for a while, then he won't be able to transmit the virus so even the other methods mentioned may be temporary.

Just wanted to pick you up on one thing you said about how if he had been positive for years then you would have picked it up by now. Not necessarily. It's actually quite a hard virus to catch and requires a certain set of events to happen and even then the odds are stacked in your favour. Of course, you can be unlucky just the once but it's not unheard of for many hundreds of sexual exposures without transmission.

As others have said though - you cannot accurately gauge length of time with the virus based on baseline CD4/VL counts. You can guess, but thats all. The important thing right now is not necessarily how long he has been living with it, but the next steps - ensuring he is on effective treatment and adheres to it, and you both take necessarily precautions in the meantime.

Sometimes situations like this can bring couples closer together ultimately. Sometimes it pushes them apart. Please don't be afraid to seek out counselling or other professional help if required.

[thunter34]

I followed the trail from your other post "not a supportive place" to this one to say:

Yuh huh! We are, too!


In all honesty, I am one of the old liners, having been haunting these forums for a decade, yet I still marvel when I pause and think back on some of the extraordinary acts of kindness I've witnessed here in these forums.  People have stepped up for me several times.

It's a humbling thing.  I'm proud to have been, and continue to be in some fashiion, a part of it.

[harleymc]

So your husband receives two diagnoses, the mental health issues and HIV, and you think it's a crap year for you. Sounds like it's a crap year for your husband and you're trying to turn it into "it's all about me".
 

He is having a crap year.

[DANIELtakashi]

I have left my comment on your other thread.
Here nothing will start with calling your husband JERK.
Hope you will be all right.

Again l would like to say this forum has been continued by the great people.

[rosegold]

So your husband receives two diagnoses, the mental health issues and HIV, and you think it's a crap year for you. Sounds like it's a crap year for your husband and you're trying to turn it into "it's all about me".
 

He is having a crap year.

First of all, I didn't say it has been a crap year for ONLY me. I said it has been a crap year. Period. For US. Extremely unfair of you to think that this has not been extremely difficult for me. His mental health issues are not a new diagnosis. The HIV is. And the HIV is due to HIS actions, not mine. And I'm not sorry in thinking that I deserve some compassion and sympathy for what I'm going through. He is not the only one suffering because of this. It's not all about me, it's about him...AND ME....and I came here for support for MYSELF not for him. If he wants to come here and make his own posts that fine. But I came here for support for ME.

[rosegold]

I have left my comment on your other thread.
Here nothing will start with calling your husband JERK.
Hope you will be all right.

Again l would like to say this forum has been continued by the great people.

Jerk is mild to what could have been said. I'm confused why he is being defended for his actions. He was wrong, he knows he was wrong. And I'm talking about the cheating, not the HIV. He cheated on me after 6 years and 2 kids and I've been nothing but good to him. More than good to him. He is what I said he is. It's nothing to do with the diagnosis but everything to do with how he has betrayed me.

[DANIELtakashi]

Nobody is defending your husband nor are we condemning him.
There is nothing we can do with the fact that you feel you were cheated.
That is something only you and your husband can fix.

[rosegold]

Nobody is defending your husband nor are we condemning him.
There is nothing we can do with the fact that you feel you were cheated.
That is something only you and your husband can fix.

Well, I guess advice from people who have been in this particular situation could weigh in and be of more help than someone who has not and is not understanding. Thank you for your feedback.

[rosegold]

also check into PrEP, a medication for HIV negative people. If used properly (100% adherence) it can protect you from becoming infected. Of course, PrEP should be used in conjunction with condoms for maximum protection

I did read about this already. Do you know if this is something that insurance would cover? I'm sure it depends on your policy but I'm specifically curious about Medicaid.

[rosegold]

Once he is stable on meds and undetectable for a while, then he won't be able to transmit the virus so even the other methods mentioned may be temporary.

Just wanted to pick you up on one thing you said about how if he had been positive for years then you would have picked it up by now. Not necessarily. It's actually quite a hard virus to catch and requires a certain set of events to happen and even then the odds are stacked in your favour. Of course, you can be unlucky just the once but it's not unheard of for many hundreds of sexual exposures without transmission.

As others have said though - you cannot accurately gauge length of time with the virus based on baseline CD4/VL counts. You can guess, but thats all. The important thing right now is not necessarily how long he has been living with it, but the next steps - ensuring he is on effective treatment and adheres to it, and you both take necessarily precautions in the meantime.

Sometimes situations like this can bring couples closer together ultimately. Sometimes it pushes them apart. Please don't be afraid to seek out counselling or other professional help if required.

I did read about that it is difficult to catch. I was surprised to read that because I've always been under the impression that if you slept with someone that had it then you automatically caught it. Before all this, I was admittedly ignorant about the ways it could be transmitted. And I was not aware that you could live into old age it with it either. I have been reading up quite a bit. I google binged when I found out about his status and was still waiting on results for my own.

[rosegold]

Hi

Look he could indeed have a very low CD4 count after 3 months, we have no way of knowing what his "normal" range was pre-infection, and as you mention it does not really matter.

Focus on the relationship if you wish for it continue it and perhaps talk to a couples therapist if needed to work through it. Seek help with this and keep in mind it will take time to heal. 

Use condoms for intercourse of course.

I do think therapy will be the only way. And he is willing to go so that is a start in showing that he is remorseful....I think. I can get past the diagnosis, I realize after researching it since all of this that it isn't what I thought it was, a death sentence. More so like living with something like diabetes or something of the sort. And since we know, we can protect me. I'm not mad at him about the HIV, I'm sad for him, scared for him, etc. The cheating is the where the anger is. Don't get me wrong, not thrilled about the diagnosis but it is surprisingly the least upsetting thing of it all.

Whatever you decide, stay or go I wish you both all the best.

Jim

[Almost2late]

I'm not sure what you want from this forum since you say it's not the HIV that concerns you but rather the cheating. Only thing I could say is either you get over it or leave him. Life's too short to spend living with anger or regret.
I do wonder though if you would have been as upset if he hadn't contracted HIV when you found out he was cheating.

[Jim Allen]

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=64755.0

The OP will not be posting for at least 28 days.

@OP:

Hi

Your additional posts have been removed and this thread had been locked.

Members from the moderator team have kindly explained to you the reasoning for removing your duplicate thread and also the reason why you should not post this topic in "Living with HIV"


http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=277.0
The Living With HIV forum is open to those who are infected with or directly affected by HIV.

Our Moderators reserve the right to interpret who is "affected" on a case by case basis with a view to preserving the good order of these forums.

There is a separate section specifically designed for people who are HIV negative and care for someone who is living with HIV "Someone I Care About Has HIV" (For friends, family and loved ones of people living with HIV) 

Having duplicate threads open on the same topic is not good order and hence one was removed and the most fitting one to remove was the one in "Living with HIV"

Now you want to debate the moderators team decision to remove your duplicate thread and this is simple, its not going to happen. If a member has an issue with a moderators decision please use the report to moderator feature and you're concerns will be considered.  Starting threads to questioning a moderators decision will result in a warning and the thread will immediately be locked. The thread is purely flame-bating and this is an offense itself. 

Ill add that personally I never understood the level of "drama" that people have in this day and age surrounding HIV diagnose of someone else. You say the issue is not HIV but the cheating, well as the concern is not HIV move on from here and seek help regarding the relationship if you feel that is needed.

Anyhow long story short, Starting threads to simply question a moderators decision, debating it instead of the accepted channels, Flame-bating and posting erratically - 28 Day Time out.


If you return I suggest you do so in a more calm manner towards the members here and keep in mind this is a forum focused on care and people living with HIV so I have a slightly limited tolerance for HIV negative people who have unrelated drama.

Jim

[CaveyUK]

I know the OP cannot respond just yet but I just wanted to clarify something for her that may be lost in amongst all the other stuff.

HIV sucks, but as you know from your reading, it's not a 'death sentence' anymore and with modern meds people can live normal lifespans and not pass the virus on.

That can still be hard to come to terms with, especially as a lot of outdated stigma still exists, and this is where this forum really comes into it's own as there are a lot of knowledgable people here who have first-hand experience of the condition, as well as people who have been impacted by the diagnosis.

It's only natural to be shocked by cheating too, but this would be the same with or without HIV. We are not marriage counsellors or therapists and given our experience of what a diagnosis feels like, will not generally be sympathetic to any view which demonises or seeks to obtain validation for any action towards the person most affected by HIV.

If you are looking for a forum who will say what a bastard your husband is for cheating and urging you to leave him, you will find those elsewhere. If you are looking for a forum who will help remove the fog around the condition and discuss practicalities then this one will work for you.

We don't tend to dwell on the circumstances behind the transmission here. None of that really matters at the end of the day. What is important is the here and the now, and the future.

There are many people here involved in very loving serodiscordant relationships here (both gay and straight), so we can certainly help in terms of some of the challenges that crop up for people in that situation.

What we can't do is help fix other problems in a marriage, and that is perhaps why you feel a bit unsupported. It's just not what we do.

Hope that makes sense

[DANIELtakashi]

My last comment to the OP on this thread.

I am confused what you are expecting from us.
If you want us to agree to calling your husband JERK or whatever,  you are barking at the wrong tree.  We don't know him and neither do we know what exactly happened between you.

And our moderators are not tolerant about debating or challenging the group decision, which l totally support.   Plus l am intolerant about being called a no-supportive group.  I might have given up my life had l not found it three years ago.  Serious.

Wish you the best.