368 tcells 16% and 41k VL getting close to starting meds maybe atripla

[bimazek]

368 tcells  16% and 41k VL getting close to starting meds maybe atripla
i am kind of sad and upset and horrified and scared and worried and it is like my whole life since hiv first killed my friends and lovers in the early 80s and all the years suddenly are closing in
and to me having to start taking this one little pill to keep on living,

 it is like, time does not exist only the time to wait to start taking the pill or the time between pills or the time until the pill stops working or causes side effects,   i just read lots of atripla posts, i dont think i can not eat for 3 hours before and 2 hours after, i am always snacking and eating and getting little things or protein shakes, it will be impossible not to eat,

i have a very very very bad dr. everyone warned me about him but i am at a clinic and i dont want to make waves, so i stay with him, one little pill causes me to realize that i have this disease, it is easy for me to be in denial in fact i think i am mostly 95% of the day in denial and that is the only way i can cope with knowing i am poz, but know i have to start the pill causes me forces me to loose denial and face reality
anyway, i had hoped that all the stuff i was taking would slow the loss of tcells, and i can honestly say nothing works except hiv meds, i tried, herbs, yoga, swimming, vitamins, minerals, coloustrum, tons of stuff, and nothing had the slightest effect, oh well

i am going to try to make it to my bday and then go on
somehow going below 400 is really tough, i was at 568 only 1 and half year ago
damn
i am trying not to get angry, act out, scream
if usa actually had a sane health care system then i wouldnt feel so uncomfortable
the whole health system seems so temperorary, like the funds have to be fought for
and then every year they dump you off and you have to renew, and such
it is so inhumane and uncompassionate, like a system created by for accountants not by med proffesionals
oh well     what is in my control what do i want
what do i want to do with achieve with the rest, somewhat more limited, the rest of my life, how many years have i got now left, the dr. says normal life span, normal activities but nothering has been normal since diag.

what i want is love, more caring people around me, more real deep experiences
i want real relationships and not bar friends, i never go to bars anyway
i want children somehow this seems important
i want peace, and right now as i write i hear birds singing in the tree and the cool breeze of the gorgeous sunny day blows thru the window, i am here now
i hear sounds of people in the distance, perhaps a small plane
i feel peace, and some openness expansiveness

i want to feel more touch of skin and loving caresses
i want to worry less about science and discoveries and more on my own experience of life
i want to meet better more compassionate people only not mean people no more hurtful people
i want to give and recieve more love
i want my tcells to go up up when i start atripla after a few months
i want to stay far far away from all drug users and alcohol addicts
i have seen too many poz friends distroyed themselves that way
i want to fly either in an airplane or with wings of my own that i grow
i want to glide jump leap into the sunset
slowly
i want to be more careful with decisions more methodical more true real
i want to touch
feel
experience
smile more, send energy out thru my eyes and smile out to the world out to other people
i want to have few or no side effects like the guys in their 50s and 60s in my support group
i want to know someone and be known, be charished, treat myself as a prescious person
respect myself even with this flaw
care for myself carefully and quietly
i want to do things, go places, meet people, soar
try something new, travel to far away lands,
i want to exercise and feel that great powerful rush of health and vitality that comes from exercise and intense aerobic activity, i want to walk, bike run swim
i want to eat in nice restaurants and cook at home good healthy food
i dont want fast fatty food,
i want to grow old gracefully love unconditionally embrace life and
everything in between
forever

[thunter34]

i want to know someone and be known, be charished, treat myself as a prescious person
respect myself even with this flaw

You really - REALLY - need to be talking to a therapist.  You don't seem to have progressed one bit toward really dealing wth this in the past year. 

Another tip:  perhaps this post should have gone in Living With where it would get some more traffic and response? 

[newt]

HIV infection is not a flaw, it is a virus

I don't really see the big issue with treatment, it's pills (even 1 pill) to control a virus -- and then get on with life

I am sure you will have everything you want, skin, love and all, if you can get over the small psychological barrier of meds. I mean, they's not that bad these days. The biggest prob I have with them is remembering to take the damn things.

As a surrogate for genuinely acknowledging/dealing with your HIV status, yes, no getting away from it, meds does bring this home.

But it's just a virus.

Please stop beating up on yourself.  Everyone has good and bad points, including people with HIV. You don't have to be a better/worse person just cos you's HIV-positive. You have as much right as the next bod to be successful and/or screwing up. Most people are both at the same time eh?

I remember the late 80s and early 90s with sadness, yes, deep sadness. Too many people gone. But this is 2008. There is no point dwelling on what happened to others 15-20 years ago when treatment was minimal. This is now. Your options are now. I am sure they would embrace the options with gusto. Where is the next sunset? Where is the next sunrise after too long a night out? They would...

- matt

[RWR]

I am on atripla and have problems with sleep yesterday took it in morning but still was reved during the night.  I to di dnot want to start but spent 6 months and 20 lbs worrying about going outside the door because of the shits and stap. i had let my cells get to 60 and vl 2.5 million befroe i came out of denial. at that point i only wanted help with the shits but they said they could not help unless i stared the meds.  I i take atripla and a hand full of pills to sleep plus at my age bp is being affected so on a few for that

[Miss Philicia]

You really - REALLY - need to be talking to a therapist.  You don't seem to have progressed one bit toward really dealing wth this in the past year. 

Indeed.  And it seems that bim's now avoiding this thread of his own making just like he's avoided the entire topic of HIV infection (outside of threads on questionable research) for the past 16 months.

Bim -- I *am* concerned about you, as are the rest of us.  You need to deal with these mental issues NOW or you're really going to run into trouble down the road.  If you won't talk to an actual professional therapist at least attempt to hold a discussion on the board.  You never know -- it may actually help you.

[bimazek]

seems like phillyguy know what someone who he has never met or never even talked to should do NOW in caps,
phillyguy you dont know anything at all
that has to do with me and how i feel or think
mind your own business
i have never posted anything that was questionable research, i only ever post research that is peer reviewed science, in major scientific publications,
i only deal with top name university research if at all possible
i have no interest in the other sections because
solutions will only come from science
not from kum bye aya  kum bye aya  kum bye aya  singing circles
it is people on this board like you who have been consistently mean cruel and condescending to me
who make me not want to post personal things here
know one knows what future will bring so your claim that i will run into trouble down the road is silly