POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: CalvinC on June 26, 2022, 02:04:59 pm
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Hi all
I'm reading Andrew Holleran's new book, The Kingdom of Sand, and a large part of it has to do with the narrator's friendship with an older gay man, Earl, who is dying of, well, old age. The narrator constantly wonders how Earl's present will be his own future.
The narrator is 66-ish, and I'm not that far off. He wonders who will be there for him if he is infirm (he has a sister who lives far away), and so on. These aren't exactly my worries--or at least, not yet.
I'm single and healthy, no HIV worries, financially sound, like my job to the extent that I will go to part-time on "retirement," keep very fit, play sports, and so on. But despite my advantages (such as they are), I'm left, more and more, thinking about the next 25 or so years.
Where I live there are a lot of old/er people, many gay (some poz, I gather), mostly single and retired or on LTD; and I wonder: What are they doing with their lives? If they have little to contribute to society, why do they hang around?
And of course, I suppose it's not them I'm thinking about -- that would be condescending -- but what it is I might offer as I go forward. At times, like today, I'm horrified. Not nihilistic, but baffled and afraid. I'm aware enough to know that my being single isn't going to change -- Prince Charming is safely a fairy tale.
Yes, I know that there are things I can do, such as "getting involved" in various community efforts and the like. But that's not really the heart of the matter, and I can't say what the heart of the matter is, aside from, perhaps, dire loneliness. Hundreds of thousands of people are just outside my building celebrating Pride; and it's all I can do to keep from going back to bed. (No, I am not clinically depressed.)
So I'm here asking y'all about your own experiences, as I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Cal
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Hi Cal.
Your post touched me because ageism is a topic that is not frequently visited. I am in my 30's, and i have achieved almost everything i want in life. I feel and i think also in exactly the same way you do while you are in your 60's. Having said that, i guess age is only a number and its all in the mindset as long as their is no disability.
I am happy to read that you lead an engaging life. Death, the unknown, tomorrows, years, birthdays and being alone are all metaphoric. Please DM if you feel like venting out. i can hear you clearly, crystal clear.
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I'm retired, one of those "just hanging around" and enjoying it. Every day I wake up and have to pinch myself to remember how good it is to not have to go to work. Every day is a Saturday, what's not to like about that!