Need to Vent - The Stage 3 Label

[MarkintheDark]

Hi guys -- Probably the roughest few months in my 26 years.  Hospitalized/intubated back in October and a month-and-a-half to recover.  I'd been taken down by a simple rhinovirus.  Almost a repeat a couple weeks ago with the indescribable panic that accompanies not being able to breathe.  Again, a simple effin' cold.  Almost put myself in the ER had I not remembered that the Robitussin DM they'd given me calmed things down.  Nevertheless, another round of prednisone (and the shakes) plus Levaquin (trots).

The past five years have seen a heart attack, emergency gall bladder removal and a couple COPD events.  In short, I've been in decline.  Fatigue is a regular companion that saps my energy and limits my activities.  imo, I shouldn't be this way in my early 60s.  That last hospitalization dropped my CD4 into the mid-100s again.

I have a particularly good therapist who's well-versed with us LTS.  He's candid with me when he thinks necessary.  A couple things kinda threw me...or perhaps just snapped me into an unpleasant reality.  For one, he finally shared that he figured he was going to lose me in October the way he's lost other LTS clients.  His surprise at my recovery he called a Lazarus effect.  He's not one to use that kind of language lightly.  The other thing was he referred to me as Stage 3, which is accurate but not a label, if you will, I'd considered.  tbh, I was more comfortable with an AIDS diagnosis (fully applicable in my case).

I already have medication for anxiety, fortunately.  But confronting my own mortality at a deeper level than ever has shaken me up.  I trust this guy.  He knows what he's doing by shepherding me down this path.  But, to be frank, I don't like it.   I feel I've reached a new stage in my disease in which I'll have to accept that I've some serious physical limitations.  I've been fighting that for several years.

I'll add that this has nothing to do with so-called "courage."  I've fought my way back because I'm scared.

[harleymc]

Hi Mark,

You've been doing it rough all right.  It's no surprise that you've been feeling tired and are somewhat down in the dumps.

A heart attack and COPD are going to leave you low on energy for some time to come.

Chin up a label like stage 3 or AIDS or whatever is probably your least significant healing issue to tackle.

 BTW I've had CD4s under 200 for the last 6 years with nothing AIDS defining since I cleared my KS back in 2012 we got this HIV thing licked.

[MarkintheDark]

Thx harley.  Appreciate the sentiment.  tbh, I need to hear that from people who can be more objective than me and who don't have an agenda (i.e., insisting I accede to their interests that I'm in no condition to address).

In fact, last year was the first time in 17 years I'd broken 200.  Two steps forward, etc.  I think I still haven't recovered psychologically from the October hospitalization.  They've never had to put me out like that before. 

The recent cold that then took me down for a couple weeks was followed by a fever last weekend...and I'm, WTF?

[harleymc]

Mark I'm officially blaming you for my cold,  nothing to do with running around with not enough clothes on during Sydney's Mardi Gras.

Take care