POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: Razorbill on January 06, 2007, 04:49:14 pm
-
Had a pm conversation about this and I wanted to throw this out there for comment? Do you? Have you? Good idea? Bad idea? Upsides? Pitfalls? Here's my take from recent experience witha boyfriend I had over a year ago - we had seen each other a little over a year. I can tell you, sex with the ex is always complicated, and often a very bad idea. My ex couldn't get on with his life while he was still banging me as a fuck buddy. He was all emotionally wrapped up. When I saw he was getting crazy over it I stopped it, and he was devastated a second time. I broke off our relationship the first time, so my position was different. I was confortable with having him distant yet intimate. He was not. I think we get into these situations because many of us are very sexual and need to have relations, and the ex is a known, workable solution to that requirement. The sex was actually very hot between us always, and for me without the relationship, was very relaxing and free. Unfortunately my ex paid for it twice over. If you're the initiator of the break up it will probably be OK, if not, it will probably hurt.
-
I've done it. Hell, I did it two weeks ago... but we've been broken up for two years... and have been friends once again. We used to live together and dated for quite some time...
I think it's best to let a lot of time and healing do their magic before even attempting the sex with the ex.
-
I would have sex with my ex.....when hell FREEZES over!
Thats just me..was married over 20 yrs and wasnt a very nice divorce. Havent seen him in over 5 yrs and dont want too.
Teresa
-
I still have some left over feelings for my ex but would not want to sex him because I know who he has been with. I will just say a person "rumored" to be poz and very out there, who use to be a friend of mine. Rumored or not, I would not want to take the chance.
-
No.
I gave at the orifice.
-
Perhaps in time like in Benj's situation, maybe. But honestly, I would have had some WAY hard feelings if you had been my ex, Razor. I would have felt used, toyed with and discarded in very cold fashion. That distant but intimate bs would just be a 'have my cake and eat it too' scenario to me. I doubt that I would ever go back into a sex with the ex scenario regardless of the time length, but certainly not so soon after the breakup.
-
Hey, hey, point the gun somewhere else! He was a big boy Thunter, and I, in typical fashion was very upfront about what I expected and what I was NOT offering and he agreed. I took him on his word that it was cool. It is he who was not truthful to himself about what he could and could not handle. In any event I don't have to take somebody back because they feel used. I. in fact, dispute any notion that any mentally functional adult can be used. We all know what we want really and what we're doing. And we are every one of us masters at self-deception when it suits our short-term goals. His self-deception was that he could handle the situation and maybe lead me back to a relationship, and mine was that he could handle the situation and not try to lead me back. So to my original point - sex with ex's is probably a mistake.
-
I don't have sex with ex's. It's a rule.
However, I will go shopping with them.
-
Razorjezebel :D LOL! I'm only joking. generally speaking it's probably a recipe for disaster. 2007 is probably gonna be the year my ex-bf gives me the old heave-ho partially as payback for me ending our relationship & partially because pretending the whole "booty-call thing is fine" is getting tiring for him. I'm fully prepared to get cut off and accept any poisoned pen letters that might follow. heh, i can see it now. anyway, playing with fire often leads to one person (or both) getting burned or at least singed
Edited to add: But it would be nice to remain friends - nice & simple brotherly love type of thing. who knows
-
Razor, I am taking great exception to that bit about how no 'mentally functional' person can be used.
Wish I had known you had such a hard-line mentality about things before I spent so much time at Christmas trying to help you feel less lonely.
-
The boyfriend who broke up with me: sex with him after the breakup always left me feeling wretchedly sad. This was years ago, though, and now whenever I see him (about once a year), we get boozy on good wine (he's rich, the bastard) and we spoon and cuddle and have breakfast in bed and leave each other feeling happy.
The boyfriend I broke up with: I felt bad because I suspected (no, knew) that he was feeling wretchedly sad. I will confess to sleeping with him one more time recently because he was feeling lonely and tearful; I just wanted to stay in and continue with my book. Nevertheless... Probably a bad idea.
The boyfriend who dumped me over the poz thing: I doubt that we'll ever be having sex again. No longer resentful though.
Since I see no boyfriends in the near or even distant future, I'm planning to grow old with my cats, gin bottles, and rent boys. Yay!
Jay
-
I had break up sex with my ex of 4 years, and went back for more just once.. haven't been back for about 5 months now.. we still live together.. but I so want to go there again and I'm currently trying to seduce him with my cubbybear charms and jedi mind tricks. ;)
Edited to add: Hell I'll have sex with anyone's ex! hehe. (just kiddin.)
-
Is post-break-up sex called "residuals"? I seem to have heard that slang somewhere.
-
I always just called it "messy"
-
Is post-break-up sex called "residuals"? I seem to have heard that slang somewhere.
I've never heard that or any term for it.
Self-Induced Sloppy Seconds, perhaps?
-
Residuals... sounds like something that needs washing off in the shower. :P
-
or when you pull out of filthy feces-slimed hole
-
Residuals... sounds like something that needs washing off in the shower. :P
LOL!!
To my knowledge the term sloppy seconds is when a man has 2 women (or men) and the woman (or man) who is 2nd banana to the preferred woman (or man) is called sloppy seconds. Someone correct me if that's wrong
-
or when you pull out of filthy feces-slimed hole
I just tasted vomit. Thanks philly ;)
-
LOL!!
To my knowledge the term sloppy seconds is when a man has 2 women (or men) and the woman (or man) who is 2nd banana to the preferred woman (or man) is called sloppy seconds. Someone correct me if that's wrong
I've always heard it used like this:
If I say, "Oh, I slept with John last night."
And if my friend has already slept with John, he says, "Ha ha! You got my sloppy seconds."
-
yeah, me too
-
or when you pull out of filthy feces-slimed hole
ew sloppy joe
-
Always amazes me how some girls don't douche properly.
-
Always amazes me how some girls don't douche properly.
And some guys!!
-
uh... that's what I meant
i'm teh gay with my pronouns!!!111one!
h4x04!
-
I've always heard it used like this:
If I say, "Oh, I slept with John last night."
And if my friend has already slept with John, he says, "Ha ha! You got my sloppy seconds."
ha no wonder why John was so damn sticky 'n' crusty
-
uh... that's what I meant
i'm teh gay with my pronouns!!!111one!
h4x04!
well philly, tell those clueless boys and/or girls that anal douching is so last decade unless they don't mind risking wet spots on the sheets. douching's bloody time consuming too. kick those amateurs to the curb!
-
I douche for a date, that's all. It's really not that complicated.
-
My ex is a female, so I highly doubt that we'll be having sex. We (she, my husband, and I) will, however, hang out, have drinks, a smoke or two, etc.
David
-
Ah, Matt (cubby), I love your work. He must have jedy powers himself to resist.
I've never been with an ex and would be unlikely too. It just wouldn't work for me. Mates, yeah; sex, no.
Aside: the best thunderstorm has just hit. It's black and pissing down outside. Still about 95 and humid as - I'm sweating like a fat chick in a disco at the moment.
-
Residuals are what you get paid for work you've done. Doing ex-boyfriends rarely pays.
About used - let me reiterate, perhaps more gently. Adult gay men make choices - nobody uses anyone. Children are used, women in societies where they have no rights are used, and the mentally retarded are used. They can't make choices. We choose to be used or not. And I don't see how believing that adults should be self-responsible makes me unworthy of being treated decently, or of deserving support when I need it.
-
You're right: I chose to be used when I let my emotions guide me into spending a whole lot of holiday time trying to make you feel better. I should have just told you to accept self responsibility for the fact that you were alone and get over it.
-
You've got choice issues and cross over issues that have nada to do with me. I would appreciate you're just getting off my dress. You also seem to feel I deliberately hurt someone which was untrue. I did my best to manage the situation, it was a lesson learned. In future I will not engage in relations with ex's precisely because it can be hurtful - Thunter why are you making me out to be a monster?
-
Boys, play nicely!
-
I guess when your ex is a woman and you're gay - there's less tendancy to go back - but I'm sure it happens.
-
I guess when your ex is a woman and you're gay - there's less tendancy to go back - but I'm sure it happens.
Probably, but just not with this queer! ;D
D
-
thunter is on a mission!
-
This thread is thought-provoking, mainly in the areas of right versus wrong.
for me, when my ex gives me & my issues the boot, a part of me will say You Go Girl (a respect thing meaning I'll applaud him) ... I'll admit - I'm a prick by taking advantage. (but see, i don't know if i'm truly taking advantage bec. he says I'm not. do i believe him? sometimes i don't. he likes to act strong. and trying to rely on my instincts only confuses me more) ... for me it's comfortable to "just coast", but often situations like these are disasters just waiting to happen. ughh, i've got issues. ...... also, i better not forget the big K (karma) :-\
-
I think you've got a good handle on the situation and have your eyes wide open. Unfortunately emotions have a life of their own and the best laid plans (no pun intended), often go astray. At least you know you're sittin' on a powderkeg.
-
At least you know you're sittin' on a powderkeg.
heh, the big PK (powder keg) - it's all fun & games til it goes BOOM right? well if we could just pop some anti-viagra or some shit we could just be best buds and chill - y'know, like how straight guys have their poker & fishing buddies
-
Razor,
Just meeting my first ex was a bad idea... but I am what you would call a glutton for punishment. Since positive though neither would touch me with a 10 ft pole so no biggy.
Thomas
-
One thing we must remember, Exes become exes for a reason. Usually when someone has sex with an ex, it is because of feelings or because the sex was good. Either way, it ends up being regretted.
-
I refuse to look weak for anyone. It's not in my character.
-
I refuse to look weak for anyone. It's not in my character.
So in other words you told them Yes?
-
No, I was being serious. Actually last time I saw my ex I made him cry. And he's NOT the crying type. I don't think I'd even ever seen him do that before.
-
when one has sex with an ex, do you kiss them and look them in the eye? Or does one keep the lights off and get off as quickly as you can and leave?
-
Sex with an ex seems rather common, (at least right after a breakup). I don't think breakups are usually clean cut and quick. They seem to go in stages. The problem is that sex can be used as a way of getting back into a relationship or you can easily fool yourself into thinking you still have a connection with your ex.
I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but I just don't think most normal folks have the ability to set aside all the feelings that having sex with your ex can bring.
Cliff
-
i don't think its typically a good idea for me anyway. but that's not to say it hasn't happened a few times. when it cums to sex, gay men have few morals :D
-
Exes become exes for a reason.
Very good point Your Highness.
-
My ex gives the BEST HEAD EVER...so I guess you know what my answer is ;D
-
HELL TO THE NO!
-
Sex with an ex is asking for trouble. Just ask Alex (allo). He knows is coming...it's just a matter of time.
robert
-
Alex, you still kicking it with your ex? Um, Robert seems to know something we don't know...
-
Alex, you still kicking it with your ex? Um, Robert seems to know something we don't know...
"it's all good" :D :D :D
(http://www.chargrilled.co.uk/t-shirts/prodimages/medium/goodinthehood.jpg)