POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: Tryin2bhappy on June 08, 2009, 01:56:07 pm
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Hi everyone
I've been single for the past 2 years. The last relationship I was in lasted 4 1/2 years. My ex decided to stay with me after I told him that I was poz he got tested and he was negative. The relationship was not going good before I found out and it went down hill after that, so i decided to end it. Well he wasn't to happy and decided to tell couple people he knew I was talking to about my status and they all stop talking to me. ....... Like I said its' been 2 years now and I'm ready to start dating. I'm ready but I'm actually scared because there is something new that I have to bring to the table about myself sometime down the road. I would like to know when is the right time to disclose your status to someone. I did tell a guy about my status once and he stop calling me. I don't want to lie to anyone, don't want to get hurt or don't want to lead anyone on in anyway and then later down the line they don't want to be with me because of my status. It's been bothering me for the longest, being at home is really getting to me and I want to start going out but I'm afraid. I'm actually talking to someone right now, but also been giving the cold shoulder because I don't know what to do or what he will think of me. Can someone let me know how they dealt with the situation. ...
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Tryin', I really don't have any sage advice, I just wanted to welcome you to the women's part of the forums. I can tell you, I hooked up with someone from the forum, and ended up with herpes.
Hopefully others will chime in with some ideas. There's someone on here, her name is Cindy, who's managed to have a very successful relationship with someone she met way after she tested poz. I hope she sees this thread. *Calling Cindy*.
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Well I don't know what to tell you. I am back in the dating field again and wonder the same thing. I lost my husband last year (we were both poz) and starting over is the pitts. Since I never told my friends I was poz I hold back from dating anyone I know because if it doesn't work and I tell my sole, everyone will know. So I guess I do understand about starting over. I will follow this thread and see if we get any help.
hugs
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Hi Tryin'~
BT told me about your post and I wanted to let you know what I went through. I will find my post in the Long-Term Survivors thread and put that here for you as well, so you know my story. Click on the link below and go to Reply #93, or use the search engine in the Forums. Type in "Introduce Yourself" and you should get there.
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11342.0
I tried personal ads and online dating A TON from 1999 - 2003, and even after that. I am 39 years old and I have been poz since 1993 and lost a husband to the virus. He died in 1996 after passing the virus to me. Anyway, when I first started dating, I felt this overwhelming pressure to disclose soon after meeting the guy, like it was my duty to do the right thing and respect the guy. I soon learned to respect myself and wait to disclose until I knew whether or not the guy was worth pursuing for a few more dates. There are some guys you meet on a first date and you know right away that its not gonna work, lol. :P
I started trying to put my status in the back of my mind as I dated, and really see if I connected with the guy at all. Sure, I knew that if we did connect, I would have to disclose, and sure, he could be gone faster than anything. :(
Situations like that DID happen to me. They happened a lot. Zooooom and he was outta there!!!! At first I was really saddened and upset, thinking I wasn't worthy and that no one would ever love me again, or IF they did love me, they wouldn't be able to stay with me because of the HIV. That kind of scenario happened to me as well. Zooooooom! *POOF* Gone. >:(
Believe me, it wasn't easy, dealing with rejection, but after awhile I learned that in order to be happy dating someone, they have to respect you, and take you as you are. I'll agree, HIV is a BIG item to bring to the table when dating. It scared the crap out of some of my dates. I met an EMT for a first date who I thought would know about HIV because of his medical training. Nope. Dumb as an ass. He proceeded to grab his coat and back away towards the door on our date, saying that I was "trying to secretly infect him," because we had kissed on the date and I hadn't told him until after. :o
Kissing is harmless. Some may disagree, but for the most-part, you don't transfer the virus by kissing. Once I learned this from my doc, I was a kissing fool and dated lots of guys. Looking back on it, I see it was my need to be loved and to be treated like a lady, to be taken out on dates, before I dropped the H-bomb on a guy and disclosed. Maybe it was unhealthy emotionally, I don't know, but those dates and those toads got me through. It kept me going, it was a challenge for me. Once in a while, a nice guy would come along, and by the third or fourth date I'd disclose. And a few times those guys even stayed with me in long-term relationships, lasting a year or two. I was even the one to dump one of the guys myself once after 14 months because I thought he was being an ass after awhile, lmao. :D (All of these guys were neg and didn't have the virus, btw). It made me see that this virus doesn't have to hold you back from doing whatever you want to. I made myself get on the internet, on those dating websites (not just the pos people ones!), and I mingled with the rest of society, looking for love. I wanted so badly to be treated like everyone else, to belong, and along the way I learned to be OK if someone couldn't date me after I disclosed. I showed them that respect, and had a few laughs at the dumbasses, too! Zooooooom! Hee hee! It became entertaining after awhile. Their loss. ALWAYS.
The best thing I did for myself was to keep on Tryin' ;) and to get myself out there. I would get very sad sometimes because I would be too tired to go out and socialize, but I kept telling myself that there would always be another weekend, there would always be another first date. Socializing was healthy for me, and while I dated I prayed and prayed that Mr. Right would come along and love me for me, and trust me to keep him safe with this virus. (Meaning not passing it to him if things got serious.) I was on the Match dating site in October 2007, and I sure didn't want to pay any more money to date a few more toads. Ribbit. So, I opted for the free 3-day trial and Iceman found me on the last day.
Iceman lived close-by, was handsome and was a few years older than me. Why not give him a try? We emailed a few times and spoke on the phone the following week, when I was battling laryngitis from a bad Fall cold. I remember he kept making me laugh and my ribs hurt from being sick and coughing for the past three weeks. He had the sexiest voice. Still does. ;)
Our first date was 11/2/07, our birthdays are the same week in November and I have been living with him since Fall 2008.
My point is, don't give up hope. You may not find Mr. Right this month, this summer or this year, but he's out there. Remember that HIV is YOUR business and doesn't have to be anyone else's unless you choose for it to be. I kept my dating life very separate from the rest of my life, so there was no overlap and so that no one I was dating would find out I was pos "by accident." I even lost my best friend through all of this. I disclosed to her in 2002 and she just stopped returning my calls a few months later, or had her husband pick up the phone. She was hurt that I didn't tell her 10 years sooner. Yeah, right. A true friend would still be my friend. In retrospect, she was weak, and dealing with the virus is not for weak people. Be strong for yourself, get on those websites (I think Yahoo is free for personals, I was there, too), and get out there, but give yourself time. You have a lot of time and don't need to rush yourself.
I love your screen name. I used to say out loud to myself, "If I don't try, no one will know I exist."
We exist, GF. Best of luck to you. :-*
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Moonlight...You give me hope!
Hugs, Mary
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you can say that again..
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I'm glad I could shine a little hope for you, GFs. I wanted to add something funny with regards to my dating history.
Probably back in early 2004, after I broke up with the 14-month dumbass, I was back on the dating sites, looking for love. I saw that this one guy had emailed me a few times, but there was really no interest on my part. I returned a polite email or two, and said that I was dating other guys, which was the truth.
In 2007, after another relationship had ended, I got back on the dating sites again. The same guy was on there, had gained some considerable weight, but still looked OK. I remembered that even though I wasn't interested in him a few years earlier, he seemed to be a nice guy. I emailed him. No response. I emailed a few more times and no response. I met Iceman in October 2007 and have been with him since.
Iceman bought a new house shortly after we started dating and two doors down was this guy who looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. Hmmmmm, do you see where this is going? Iceman told me his name one time shortly after and it was the guy from the dating website! OMG too funny! I was destined to be dating a guy on this street, I suppose. Small world, to say the least.
The guy two doors down still doesn't know who I am, lol. :D
~Cindy ;)
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Cindy's romance is a dating success. And after two years of being on dating sites, I have found my Mr. Right but has had more than my share of failures. You can read my story in my blog, just click on the link below in my signature line. Dating is hard these days even if you're not poz. I think deciding when to disclose is a personal issue and should be done when you feel your are ready. I don't think any of us can tell you when the time is right. But I also had the same issues that you are struggling with now. I dated men who didn't know my status because I chose not to disclose til I got to know them better. I kind of tested the water by bringing up HIV as a topic. Just to see how educated they were and go from there. Not saying you should do this, it is what I did. Now I am in a LDR with a poz man and am about to relocate to where he is.
All I can say is don't lose hope. It will come when you least expect it. Welcome to the Forums too, btw.
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Moonlight1114, I want to thank you so much for your post (thread). After reading what you wrote, your giving me hopes and encouragement not to gave up. Everything you said in your post hit the nail on the head. All those feelings I was feeling, being lonely, wanted to be held etc... Thank you again Moonlight1114, Queen Tokelove and all others who responded. It's so hard trying to start back dating but now I feel a lil better on how to approach the situation...
Thanks Everyone...
Tryin........
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Tryin'~
Its so good to see you post. We have all been there. I felt as alone as you, for many years. There were so many stages I went through, and so much I just had to will myself through, and I just kept going. I feel very fortunate to be alive and to have a good man who loves me. You can have the same!
I hope you'll join us in the Ladies Threads, we've abbreviated them "LT" and I think we're on number 60 now. We started about two years ago and just kept going. Its like a bunch of poz Gfs sitting around having lunch together and bitching and swaping stories, lol. Even if you don't have much to post, just say HI and read along with us!
Be strong, you'll do just fine. Really. :)
~Cindy
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It scared the crap out of some of my dates. I met an EMT for a first date who I thought would know about HIV because of his medical training. Nope. Dumb as an ass. He proceeded to grab his coat and back away towards the door on our date, saying that I was "trying to secretly infect him," because we had kissed on the date and I hadn't told him until after. :o
Kissing is harmless.
You know I just saw that EMT *RIBBIT* on the local news two nights ago? Reporting on some fire.....
RIBBIT RIBBIT lol Doesn't matter, he was too short anyway, hee hee. :D
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CIndy---Talk about hearing from someone out your past. A guy I had starting chatting with from a dating site hit me up on Yahoo last night. It was a surprise considering the way things ended. I also told him I was seeing someone now. Then it was "I will wait on you", last night it was " Are you still seeing that guy?" My response was "Yes". Next thing I know, dude got really bitter saying "Well, I am deleting you from my friend's list because I don't want to torture myself. And I know I could've loved you and took care of you better than the guy you're with." I am like where the hell did this come from? We hadn't talked in like 6 months and when we did I told you I had someone.
Tryin---We have all been where you are now. Things will get better with time. I am glad that Cindy's story was able to inspire you and give you hope. You should join us in the Ladies Thread. Hope to see you there.
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Next thing I know, dude got really bitter saying "Well, I am deleting you from my friend's list because I don't want to torture myself.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh :'( :'( :'(
Was it Mr. T that always said, "Pity the fool?"
RIBBITTTTTTTTTTTT LOL :D
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lol! like that wise woman saide 'dont it always seem to go, u dont know what u've got till its gone.' pity him indeed..
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It was Joni Mitchell and Amy Grant who sang the tune, but I prefer Adam Duritz. Wish my hair had that much lift, lol!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTC6m-a3U9w
Tryin'~ how are things? Give us a shout-out. :)
~Cindy
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Get to know the person and ask questions regarding MS, diabetes, AIDS etc. That way you're not revealing anything and you will find out what they think about those w/ certain conditions. Example" A friends cousin is dating an insulin dependent diabetic and they're thinking about getting married. What do you think. Then talk about having children and other diseases and let that person do all the talking. Don't disclose anything, don't get romantically involve until you know where they stand.
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Am so glad to have found the POZ Forum! an a new member but i can feel some of my problems are solved.
Reading TRYING-..........post about dating brings back the meomeries of darkness.
I tested positive when i was planning for my wedding plans with my ex-b/f. we had been together for a year but luckly he tested negative. I can assure you he become a monster after my diagnosis, calling me a killer and a walking dead. This was far too cruel when i had a a battle to worry about.
Its now 5 years but am scared to meet anybody coz i feel all i will get is rejection. But i wld love to be in a relationship but more confortably with a poz person .
thanx you all ladies
much love
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Hi ladies ! Hope you are all doing well. Maybe it's because of my age 57, but I really can't understand what all the fuss is about when it comes to guys.I am sorry to say that not one of them ( IN MY HUMBLE OPINION ) is worth a dime. They are ALL screwed up selfish gits , possies, neggies the whole crappy bunch !!!!!They run after you in the beginning , wine and dine you (if you are lucky), phone calls, sweet text messages , and please note that ; the more you play hard to get the better,...............then................ once they have had their wicked way and suspect that you have been well and truly hooked, what do the fekkers do ? they start playing mind games lol. I ask you , just how fucked up is that ? It has happened to me sooooooooooooo many times I've given up. I just do not know how these morons function . I have ( or had ) a male hiv+ boyfriend who 's giving me the runaround at the moment. First he wanted us to get married then on Friday he told me he needed some space( so I told him to find a bigger flat lol ) ! What is going on ? It was no use trying to talk about it coz he came out with a load of mumbo jumbo.I asked him if there was someone else and of course he denied it .I am being totally cool about this and didn't freak out or have a row , I am waiting to see what his next move is gonna be. You see it's all down to tactics and being patient He sent an sms last night to say he was watchig the footie but that doesn't mean anything lol. One thing I've learned is that ............... dare I say it............... all men are liars !!! They are the hunters and we are the hunted , it's in their genes , they can't help themselves, it has been proved scientifically !.I for one am not gonna be trapped, snared or captured EVER again. I think men should be all sent to the moon to sort it out amognst themselves lol.But then again how could they ? They only have half a brain between them. And yes I am gonna become a women's libber. To be continued lol .Hope you all have a great Sunday. Jay.