still scared...

[snoofle]

hi everyone,

so in the past year that i've found out about my boyfriends HIV status, i'm still too scared (or maybe we both are) to have sex. it has been over a year and its really driving a bit of a wedge in our relationship. the thing i dont really understand is in the 3.5 years that we were having sex prior to me finding out about his HIV status..i never contracted the virus..and we were having unprotected sex pretty often during those 3.5 years. it may be stupid thinking, but i often wonder if im just immune (not sure if thats a good word) or resistant to his strain of the virus or if it really is just pure luck that i never go it.

[Teresa]

Hi snoofle,

It will be 2 years in May that we found out hubby is HIV+. We were married 4 years when we found out.  We had used condoms for birth control. It is my 2nd marriage and I have kids that are in their 20s. Needless to say I didn't want any more kids! There were a few times we didn't use condoms but not very often. There were other things we did without condoms where there was no way i could get pregnant... When we found out hubby was poz i just knew that i would be too. We had a very active sex life and I knew there was no way i wouldn't be poz. I got tested and I was negative. Couldn't believe it. Don't know how I kept from getting infected. Together 6 yrs, married for 4, the Dr's think he was infected long before we ever got together because his CD4s were 84 and his VL was over 480,000.   

Our sex life has changed...used to be several times a week, now I can count on 1 hand how many times we have had sex in the 2 yrs. Even though we know that condoms prevents the spread of HIV he says hes worried about giving it to me. He worries that the condom might break, even though we have never had one break.

Have you talked to your b/f about your fears? Does he try to understand your fears?
Wish I could offer you advice or even a solution. The only thing I could reccommend is counseling. Have you read the lessons here at the forums? I think we were both lucky that we didn't get HIV.  I know that when we do have sex we use condoms and lube.

Wishing you both the best

Hugs
Teresa

[snoofle]

i have spoken with my boyfriend about my fears and he has told me his fears as well..i know that its unlikely for a condom to break if used properly  and all the other stuff but no matter how much knowledge we have, it just does not diminish our fears. it seems with him its really psychological b/c he really cant perform anymore b/c he is so scared that he will give it to me

[Teresa]

Have you guys considered counseling? Hubby refuses to go.

[snoofle]

yea he wont go either..i went to counseling for a little while but didnt like talking about my sex life to a therapist cuz i think it'd be more beneficial for me and him versus just me

[germangirl]

I can understand your fear. But we have been using condomos for birth control for 9nine years now and we know about hubbies status only a few months. In this 9years we never had a condom break. And we did it without (unknowing his status) a few times, nothing happende, I am still negative (thank god). Now we make pretty sure that the condom is oky after the sex, moreover my husband controls the condom, checks if it is still correct on the right place before he ejaculates.

But our sex life has changed due to the circumstances. To calm you, there is an emergency treatment in case of condom break, it is called PEP. You have to take it in the first 72 hours after the condom accident, at best in the first  2 hours. If you take a PEP you have to take HIV medicine for 4weeks, it avoids the virus spreading and  coming in your blood.
(can not explain it better).

Furthermore our doc told us that if someone is on meds and his VL is undetectable the risk of transmission if the condom breaks is pretty low, about 0,1%.

A few people seem to immune to the virus, but I have also read about women who hasn't got infected for years and then they got it. So you can never be sure, unfortunately.

Germangirl

[Matty the Damned]

When it comes to HIV never assume that you're immune. HIV is difficult to transmit, especially via vaginal sex so it's not uncommon for situations like yours to arise. That said, fucking without condoms will one day see you infected. If you think things are difficult now, it's gonna be umpteen times more complicated if you contract HIV as well.

Teresa has hit the nail on the head here. Counselling is the way to go. If he won't go with you, then go on your own. It could be helpful for you to have a neutral third party to discuss this stuff with. You're still an independent person with a right to seek help for yourself.

Be well,

MtD