Tired of Faking my smiles

[klouny]

* sigh * where to begin... I like someone. A guy who's sweet, funny, and kind to me. He's my friend and very much like a big dumb brother. He compliments me and calls me cutesy nicknames that make me feel embarassed as hell

... He's also straight. He's also hiv negative

Ever since i found out i was infected it never reallly bothered me all that much the thought of being with someone romantically. Or maybe it hadnt dawned on me yet
Ive never been in a relationship really, never been asked or gone on a date. Just never thought those things were the norm for gay people, specially growing up outside of the US ( i grew up in nicaragua till i was 8 )
He makes me want that so badly, he makes me hate the fact that im positive and that im afraid of touching him. He makes me hate the fact that im not some normal STRAIGHT guy or that im not a girl so he could look at me like he does every girl that walks by.

.... He makes me hate the fact that i like such a great guy...

I dont really know if my depression is just from my hiv meds ( complera you bitch )
Or if its just my own fucked up head throwing my flaws out on display once again. But i cant remember the last time i felt so low. So utterly low, disgusting, and just overall worthless...

He let me sleep with him yesturday night. I had been drinking wine after work and didnt feel like sleeping alone in my big room without my bedmate. He called me a lush which i didnt know what it meant and i spent a good two hours giving him a head massage so he could sleep. Since that was something my grandma would do to me when i was younger. He told me he loved me and i told him i loved him too, what hurts the most is that i could feel it was heartfelt and he meant it....
I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. But that seems to much to ask

[tednlou2]

Hmmm.  It is so great that you have found a really great friend.  But, there is also something happening here that isn't healthy.  You've developed romantic feelings for a guy who is straight, and you're now feeling bad about yourself. 

But, is he really totally straight?  My point of view comes from what I know about American, straight men.  Here, it would be unusual for a straight guy to invite another guy to sleep in his bed, while letting a guy give him a head massage.  I know men in some counties do show more affection and emotion, but I'm not sure they have buddies sleep with them and rub their heads, while saying I love you.  If he is totally straight, it would seem he is putting off mixed signals. 

Whatever the case, this friendship is causing you to feel low and awful about yourself.  That is not good.  It is not good to wish you were a woman, so you would be an option for him.  When you say HIV makes you afraid to touch him, do you mean just basic human touch, or romantic touch?  If he's straight, being neg would not change anything. 

Anyway, I'm the last person to play psychologist.  I am fully aware of that.  I read the hurt in your words and I wish you didn't feel so bad about yourself.  I would hate for you to lose a really great friend, but this doesn't sound healthy.  A friendship shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself.  And, it definitely shouldn't make you feel "disgusting and worthless."  Were you exaggerating about never dating, even before being poz?  I am not knowledgeable of the culture in Nicaragua regarding homosexuality.  Is being gay something that is not accepted, so people don't date for fear of being caught and live on the DL, and basically just hook up in secret?

I hope you begin to feel better about yourself.  If you want to date or want a relationship, you are worthy of that.  You are not awful and you are not disgusting.  While I haven't dated in years and don't know what dating is like being poz, I have fallen for a straight guy many years ago.  It was torture to know he was not an option for me.  After we spent some time apart, I had moved on and I was able to see him as just a good friend.   

 

[mitch777]

this post and first reply is why i am a member of this website.
thank you all!

[Cojo]

Hey Danny

It pains me to hear you so tough on yourself and so low. I know it has been a while since you have posted and I am glad you found your way back here for some support in this dark time. I think Ted raised many a good point and I don't want to respond in the same way... instead, I want to remind you of something.

When I was first diagnosed, I found these forums, and the first person I found was you. You are much younger than me and I first I thought if anything, I should be a support to someone like you being diagnosed in the 20's. YOU however brought to me compassion, understanding, empathy and calm. You messaged me frequently and held me in a virtual, yet real way. You gave me strength and hope in my darkest early days and I would eagerly sign in to find kind words from you (and many others). Point is, it pains me to hear you call yourself " disgusting, and just overall worthless...". You my friend are a gem, and anyone who finds you and falls in love is a very luck man.

[harleymc]

Hola Klouny,

Your friend sounds very nice.  Unfortunately in this world romantic love doesn't always get reciprocated, straight or gay there will allways be other guys who just have to be 'off limits'.

"didnt feel like sleeping alone in my big room without my bedmate."  Are you already in a relationship?

I'd be getting the reliance on getting drunk out of the way, then perhaps you can get on with building your self-esteem and healthy relationships.

[klouny]

Thanks for the replies guys; i know feeling the way i feel right now is probably not the healthiest or something i need to deal with at the moment but i just cant help it.

Yes hes a wonderful guy. I cant even begin to describe how nice he is to me. I never thought of him in a sexual way since i knew that was off limits. But having gone to florida for a month and being away from him and my roomies i realized i had feelings for him. This caused me to see how different our friendship is; yes its strange i guess that he asks me to sleep with him, and how intimate we are with eachother. But he always says im the exception, cause im his " danny-boy".

And no. He is totally straight no doubt about it.
And yes ted. I have never dated, never been on a date or anything like that.

My bedmate is my friend, we share a room and our bed.
So no im not seeing anyone