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Author Topic: Feeling guilty... But just ok  (Read 2673 times)

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Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Feeling guilty... But just ok
« on: October 06, 2007, 05:55:39 pm »
Hi people!

Well, I thought I should post some updates. After my very deep depression, I managed to get somewhat out of the woods. Not completelly, but anyway. I decided to hide on my work. Overworking. A lot. Too much perhaps. But at least, I do not put my brain to think.

So, yes, I am slightly better. However, I got some weird pain in my lower back. Therefore I am drinking plenty of water, which seems to calm it down. I guess I know what it is. But I am fine

However, one week ago, I just did something. You will see: As you know, I was having a huge overdose of (sexual) self-imposed-abstinence. I did not want to see anyone, nor anyone to see me. And I was succesful. For 4 months. And then, I needed a hug. I needed a kiss. I just needed it. And let myself go into a night of sex in bars and places alike.

And I have been feeling guilty. Just guilty. Guilty because everything.

Alex
« Last Edit: October 06, 2007, 06:07:55 pm by LatinAlexander »
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Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 34,126
Re: Feeling guilty...
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2007, 06:05:21 pm »
I'm looking into my life handbook. I can't find anything in it that says it's a good thing to beat up on yourself.

You did what you did. A need? A slut attack? Yah, and so what?

Give yourself a break why don't ya.

Or explain to me if you will why you deserve to be punished because I don't see it. I'm willing to be convinced but I'm not there yet.

RSVP, fellow mere mortal.
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Andy Velez

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2007, 06:11:33 pm »
LOL Andy:

I love your post. Well. It is just that I believe there is a delicate balance between being a mere mortal (lesson learnt when tested HIV+), and being an stupid stubbon person. And quite frankly, I really do not know where I am.

Well, I am not a saint. So, no. It was not a slut attack. It was more of a nice-to-being-hugged-hug-someone thing

Yes... a break. That is what I need.

THANK YOU ANDY

Alex
Logged
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,374
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2007, 06:11:43 pm »
I'm with Andy.  Point me toward the guilt of it because right now I'm just jealous.
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AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,185
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2007, 06:28:45 pm »
Quote
It was more of a nice-to-being-hugged-hug-someone thing

I can't think of anything better than a "feel-good hug"..certainly nothing to feel guilty about..so here is one more for you (((HUG)))

And more hugs to you
Jan :-*
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,906
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2007, 11:45:12 pm »
Hi Alex

From one newbie to another, I thought I would never have sex again right after my diagnosis. I even deleted all my porn files in the computer and threw away all my porn DVDs (though sensible I kept the erotic gay films by my idols such as Derek Jarman, etc). I suppose I am more of a horny bastard and I tried to hook up with a guy like only after 2 weeks that led to my first rejection after disclosure.

Then, last Thursday, I found myself ended up in a sauna after work. I still wasn't sure what I would do - the intention was to get some physical contacts or at the least some visual stimulation so I could go hide in a corner and jerk off. As luck would have it, I was already cruised by a very hunky looking guy right there in the locker room and even before I could say the word "disclosure" I was in the dark room sucking him.

I wouldn't let him go down on me and after trying a few times he gave up, just laid back and let me finished my job. Did I feel guilty? No, at least not about not disclosing my HIV status because what we did presented no risk at all to him.  Life has to go on somehow.

Just thought I would share this...

Shaun

(who's started rebuilding his porn collection)
Logged
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline milker

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,034
  • Protected phone sex
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2007, 11:53:19 pm »
There is nothing wrong in wanting a hug with a hand in your pants. I hope you got your dick hugged a lot.

komnaes you crack me up. But you made a big mistake deleting that porn.

Milker.
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mid-dec: stupid ass
mid-jan: seroconversion
mid-feb: poz
mar 07: cd4 432 (35%) vl 54000
may 07: cd4 399 (28%) vl 27760
jul 07: cd4 403 (26%) vl 99241
oct 07: cd4 353 (24%) vl 29993
jan 08: cd4 332 (26%) vl 33308
mar 08: cd4 392 (23%) vl 75548
jun 08: cd4 325 (27%) vl 45880
oct 08: cd4 197 (20%) vl 154000 <== aids diagnosis
nov 2 08 start Atripla
nov 30 08: cd4 478 (23%) vl 1880 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feb 19 09: cd4 398 (24%) vl 430 getting there!
apr 23 09: cd4 604 (29%) vl 50 woohoo :D :D
jul 30 09: cd4 512 (29%) vl undetectable :D :D
may 27 10: cd4 655 (32%) vl undetectable :D :D

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Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,786
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2007, 08:00:34 pm »
Alex, don't beat yourself up honey.  It's just normal to want some physical attention and attraction every now and then. 

I wish, however, that I could get some.  Good lord, it's been almost four years since I've had sex!  It's hard for a bisexual woman (how does that song go, it's hard for a pimp la la la). 

I'm just glad somebody is getting some. ;)
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Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,389
  • Member 2005
Re: Feeling guilty... But just ok
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2007, 08:48:48 pm »
Alex, big HUGS my friend..  When your ready you will be ready...  Oh yes,  I tossed everything that looked like a dick, felt like a dick or "played" like a dick... Its costing me a fucking fortune getting these dvd's and toys back... 

Love,

Eric
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