Phobias? Worrying too much?

[remo85]

Hi guys. I'll bother you with another one of my threads. It's been a while but mind you this is the only place I have to really vent things related to my HIV story.

I've been officially positive for 6 years now last month and everything seems to be going ok except for probably a slight change in my cholesterol levels which seem to be going crazy over the slightest thing. I refuse to take meds for it and am trying real hard to lower it down by myself but that's another story.

I wanted to see if anyone else here shares the same ''worries'' as me and if you do, what have you done about it-

One of them is that sex has become... a struggle for me. I was never a very sexual person and the reason I got the virus was because for a period of time I fell into addiction mixing benzos with alcohol (lots of both) and turns out those two are great for disinhibition. I didn't have sex until I was 26 actually. So as you can imagine I went nuts with what I guess were my repressed sexual impulses. After dozens of random guys for and with whom I felt nothing, I got the thing. Most of them I can't even remember.
Now my issue is that I want to try and see if I can get into a relationship. I feel it's time but I find it hard to disclose my status among other things, but the status thing is the deal-breaker. Mainly because when I shared it I've been immediately rejected.  Also, I've been met with a lot of scrutiny over how I look. Apparently, I'm cute but not muscular enough for gay men (which I find insane because my straight friends are not that shallow and are mostly all in relationships but... whatever). I also have sort of a ...thing with sex. Sort of a phobia of catching new things. In my mind, I feel I caught the worst of them all but I don't know if I can handle more stuff I have to explain to future partners. So the few times my mind has allowed me to be sexual with someone I have gone easily into a spiral of feeling dirty or sick for days, even weeks. Could be because over here the only way to meet guys is through apps (damn those for the life of me). It's exhausting and until now it's only been my imagination.
Is this common?


And the other thing is I really want to move abroad but I'm preoccupied because despite being told that I can travel and get into the healthcare system once I settle, I've read tons of stuff about the high price of meds or how hard it is to get into the healthcare system, etc.
My urge to leave my country is due to the fact that I live in a place where I'm discarded for having HIV. Plain and simple. In fact 6 years into the diagnosis, nobody knows except those few strangers I disclosed my status to. And It's not a huge country where I can cross to say another state and start over.
Is there by any chance a country that makes it easy for you to just get there and start over? At this point...I'm not really sure I care about the destination as long as it's not much of a downgrade.
Sh*t's got me dwelling in suicidal ideations everyday truth be told.

So...those 2 things. Am I crazy? Overreacting? Overthinking? What do you think?

[Jim Allen]

Am I crazy? Overreacting? Overthinking? What do you think?

I also have sort of a ...thing with sex. Sort of a phobia of catching new things. In my mind, I feel I caught the worst of them all but I don't know if I can handle more stuff I have to explain to future partners.

Sh*t's got me dwelling in suicidal ideations everyday truth be told.

Hiya,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling and in so much pain. You are not crazy and you are not alone.

With the COVID many people have lost any face to face support, but do you have access to peer support or a therapist to help you with these feelings?

Now my issue is that I want to try and see if I can get into a relationship. I feel it's time but I find it hard to disclose my status among other things, but the status thing is the deal-breaker. Mainly because when I shared it I've been immediately rejected.  Also, I've been met with a lot of scrutiny over how I look. Apparently, I'm cute but not muscular enough for gay men (which I find insane because my straight friends are not that shallow and are mostly all in relationships but... whatever)

Could be because over here the only way to meet guys is through apps (damn those for the life of me)

Regarding dating, I don't have the experience needed to comment on apps. I met everyone face to face, but prehaps it's an idea to take a temporary break from trying and focusing on other things in life first?

I've have had rejections due to my HIV status though, but personally, I've also been turned down more often because of being a single father, mental health status or a list of far more shallow or shit reasons. That's dating but I'm glad though to get my status out of the way early on so I don't waste my time with someone who gets hung up on these things. 

Anyhow take it easy and if you ever want someone to talk with or someone to just listen, PM me and I can set up a zoom meeting.

Best, Jim

[Jim Allen]

 

[Brazilian Friend]

Hi my friend!

You've been through a lot in the last years and it sure can be very heavy dealing with this condition without being able to talk to others about It because of stigma.

In my case I'm feeling better since I started seeing a therapist so I highly recommend you try. Might be good for your mental health to talk face to face with someone about HIV without feeling judged.

About the country thing, I don't know very much about the situation in other countries but here in Brazil we have free treatment. Every 2 months I receive my medication (right now dolutegravir and lamivudine) from the government through national public healthcare system. Good news is that this free treatment is also available for non citizens even tourists.

If you wanna know more about Brazil and legal stuff about coming to live here I can give this informations cause I work as a lawyer.

Best wishes!