How to make him understand...?

[poz91]

A few years ago I decided to go to college in the hopes of eventually being able to get off of SSI / SSDI (after nearly twenty years of being on it)...

This was supposed to be a "try it, see if you like it" kinda thing, and I did and I don't... unfortunately, the hubby no longer sees it that way.

Every time I try to explain to him that it's just getting to be too stressful for me, he says "Welcome to my world," tells me that it's only two more years, and says that if I withdraw now I'll be a "quitter."

I'm sincerely becoming concerned about the effects it is having on my health (physical and mental)... I'm not sleeping well, I'm constantly worried about assignments and tests and passing my comps, I've literally broken down in tears after a hard day at school, I drive to school every morning with a knot in my stomach, and I've had two go-rounds with shingles since enrolling (the last came on two days before final exams and permanently damaged my left eye).

...and there's a part of me that is becoming increasingly angry with him.

How could he look at me, my face covered in sores, eye swollen shut, and him NOT be begging 'me' to quit school...?!

[Jeff G]

If you cant get validation from him validate yourself I say . You know whats best for you and if working is detrimental to your health I would do whats best .

If you are not sure how you really feel about easing your schedule or how it will effect your mate then perhaps some counseling from your doctor or a contact at you ASO my be in order .

[denb45]

 
 I agree w/ Jeff, you don't need that kinda stress it's bad for your health, especially if ur otherhalf isn't gonna be very supportive  

[bear60]

Hi
Sorry you are going thru shingles.  Ouch.
As for hubby....I have a couple thoughts:
1.  He does not want to think of you as "sick"...so you going to college or back to work will make HIM feel better.
2.   He isnt very good at communication.
If I were you I would be sitting in a counselors office or taking more Celexa or whatever you take.  Good luck. Remember, you come first.

[wolfter]

You have so many options!  It sounds as if you want to further your education and I applaud that.  I'd suggest a meeting with your academic adviser and discussing the options.  Perhaps a smaller case load, changing direction or many other things that you haven't considered.  I've kinda been the professional student my entire life.  I enjoy the learning experience and it appears you might benefit from the experience also.

Support from loved ones is so critical and I am astonished by your SO's attitude.  My Bill was nothing but supportive and that was critical during my educational pursuits.  He said something very profound that might be useful to you also regardless of how long it takes to complete your studies.  I was contemplating returning to finish my MBA and I complained that I'd be 40 years old when I was done.  He gave me the sweetest response that I'd be 40 either way.

Good luck
Greg

[poz91]

1.  He does not want to think of you as "sick"...

Thank you for giving me a different perpective on this... and you're probably right on both counts.

I would definitely have to say that, despite his own LTS status, he has yet to come to terms with the fact that he is 'sick'... he's still very much in denial and runs the other way whenever the subject of HIV/AIDS is brought up. It's something he is very reluctant to talk about.

Just to give you an example... two friends of his have recently told him about the possibility of their being sick. One might have breast cancer, the other might have HIV. He has called the one friend several times a day following up on her status (even sent her flowers to cheer her up), but he refuses to call the other friend at all to find out the results of the HIV test.

There's definitely a mental roadblock there... 

[poz91]

I'd suggest a meeting with your academic adviser and discussing the options.

Unfortunately, the program I'm currently in "is what it is"... it's a medical field if that gives you any idea of the demanding courseload involved, and my only options are to stick with it or withdraw.

And I'm convinced that the only realistic option for me is to withdraw... I just don't think my health can take another two years of this.

I've already sacrificed one eye, I'd like to keep the other one

But again, the problem I'm having is getting the hubby to understand that I don't just want to withdraw, I 'need' to withdraw... and bear is likely right that there are other underlying issues and emotions involved.

[denb45]

But again, the problem I'm having is getting the hubby to understand that I don't just want to withdraw, I 'need' to withdraw... and bear is likely right that there are other underlying issues and emotions involved.

Communication is key, both of you need to sit down and lay it on the table, and perhaps some counseling may be in order for the both of you, as stated by others advice here in this thread, in the mean-time Please take care of yourself health-wise in this process too 

[Joe K]

I think the only way to get him to understand what is happening, is to understand it yourself. I am so sorry you are going through rough times, as I have been there and it generally sucks all around. As I read your posts, I am struck by two distinct areas, where you may find your answers.

The first deals with yourself and how you perceive yourself, both personally and within your relationship. While I empathize with you regarding your husband's views, exactly who is in control of your life? Him or you? I do not say this lightly, however, at some point, you need to do what you feel is right for you and to me, needing his approval to do that, just does not seem to be what a relationship should be about. As much as we may love someone, there are times when we must follow our instincts and do what is right for us, no matter how much it may hurt the one we love. I caution you though, to not assume anything about how he might feel, until you are able to discuss this freely and with honest emotions.

The second area involves your husband and what he believes makes a relationship work. If you were my husband, you would have been out of school by now, because I would have supported your choice and understood just how difficult it is, to give up a dream. I adore my husband and I have stopped him from doing things that are damaging to his health. I did that, by talking to him and seeking to understand what motivated him and how he perceived his own health and well being. I would never tell him what to do, however I care for him, I know him, he's mine and I want what is best for him. How sad, that I do not see that kind of support from your man and to me, that is his issue, so try to not make it yours.

I believe you both could benefit from joint counseling, if you are unable to discuss these sensitive issues. I can see both sides of your dilemma and what I am suggesting is you get some help, to sort out which issues belong to each of you and the both of you. I believe that once you clarify and amplify how you feel and your thoughts, that you will find the answers you seek. I just want to remind you, that just because your hubby may have his own issues, do not let them overpower the relationship, nor diminish your feelings and thoughts, because they are both equally valid. I think you can see that and hopefully, once you understand this a little better, you can help to explain it to him.

From what I see, it's not that you have to make him understand anything, because if he truly loves and support you, he will see how it is his job to understand why his partner is so unhappy. Only then, can you both begin to understand what you both need to do. This involves you both and it will take a joint effort, which is what I would expect, from a man who professes to love me.

[deibster]

Hello Poz91,
I agree, that couples counseling may be in order. I was fortunate, living near NYC, I went to a support group for neg partners, and when i sero-converted, I went to a Body Positive support group for myself. I don't understand, your SO not talking about his HIV in private.

My main point is, HIV is being considered a disability in some places, and may be a national thing soon. Is your school curriculum 12 months per year? Even medical programs give breaks to pregnant women (My sister-in-law was pregnant in nursing school, took a lighter load & made it up in summer school). If you explained your health or "disability issue" they might let you take a lighter load and add an extra year, or an extra 2 summers to your curriculum. In brotherhood from Provincetown, cape cod, Deiby