POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Jeffreyj on August 25, 2006, 06:35:42 am
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I have been in a really bad "Funk" the past two weeks. The sadness began after I spoke to a youth group here in phoenix. The speech went great, but I felt just awful after it. I told the kids my life story...how my wife died, how I lost my job, and how I'm on my last cocktail of drugs. I guess I opened some floodgates, and the pain from the past came poring over my heart and and soul. For weeks, I felt lost, sad and lonely, not to mention I thought life had no meaning. In short, I was having a bad day, that turned in to two bad weeks, with no end in sight.
Then I pm'ed Eric, my wonderful new friend, who offered great words of encouragement. He even said "You're a keeper. If I have to come to Phoenix, I'll smack you over the head." He woke me up, and I began to feel better. Just knowing someone gives a shit, means so much.
Then IZPOZ, a new member , with a heart of gold, told me about how her husband passed away and how they had a child, who is a healthy, non poz person. Her "Angel" as she said. She explained how she "TAKES ONE DAY AT A TIME". Well a light went on in my head. THAT'S IT! The speech to the kids made me think of all the bad things that i went through, and it got stuck in my brain(all bad). I feel back to normal and my old self.
So I would like to thank Eric, and IZPOZ for their support and insightful thought. Just because some of us are long-termers(22years here) doesn't mean we have all the answers all the time. We are human too,get down at times and need love and support like anyone else.
What can I say? This place is filled with some outstanding people. As Eldon often say, That "unconditional love" that resides here is something special. Thanks Peter for founding this sight. And thanks to those who actually care. It is that love and support that means so much.
I am so very grateful. Thank you thank you thank you to all that care. I love this place!
hugs to you all!
Fondly, Jeffreyj
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Jeffrey...I'm so happy to hear your feeling better....everyone gets in funk once and a while and sometimes it takes someone else to "smack you over the head" to get yourself back on track. I'm glad Eric was there to threaten you LOL
I still think you talking to those kids was such a wonderful thing, I know it probably was not an easy thing for to do...."you ARE a keeper"!!
Take good care of yourself
((BIG HUGS))
Nadine
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clouds, they are just water, no matter how big they seem..
glad to hear there is sunshine again 8)
Kate
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((((((Jeffreyj))))))
Ann
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Jeffrey I think most of us think your speech was the best way of helping other people in the future even if it made you remember sad things.
Hugs!
We are all proud of you! ;)
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Good morning Jeff. THAT IS SUPER TO HEAR. Maybe if you didn't spend so much time helping *ME* and my AIDS activism, you would've had the time and comfort level to mention your funk. I had no clue. Oh Jeff, you care so much and put others ahead of yourself :-* That's so cool but remember there's a balance which says you're unique, loved, needed. (Apparently you remembered and found the light) ... The world needs you and you are so loved here on this site, especially by me :-*
(http://i95.photobucket.com/albums/l153/aycm8620/ginny.jpg)
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Jeff,
I'm so very happy I could make a difference in your life, even if by a small amount. You make my heart warm.
Keep giving them speeches to the kids, it's a good thing. And remember to keep smiling... it makes everyone wonder what you are up to!!
*smooches*
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Jeff
My offer of smacking you upside the head still stands firm... I need a road trip... You have a heart of gold and just never forget that... You can be good to youself as well as others to!
Love Always, ;)
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From a newby to the long termers- "Thank you for sharing the love!" Jeffreyj, I am happy you wrestled your demons and are feeling better!
andrew
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Hi Jeffery
I too am glad you are feeling better now. Talking to a group of kids or anyone for that matter takes so much courage and strength. Thank Goodness you can do it honey! I just finished reading your last PM and I was going to answer it but I decided to post here instead. You really do have a heart of gold Jeffery, you reached out to me and you have no idea what it means to me to see your messages and your beautiful smiling face each time! Hang in there honey, like you told me, the doctors know what they are doing we just gotta believe.
And, on another note, I'd just love to have an excuse to come to Phoenix and meet up with Eric ( another of my favorite beautiful men here BTW ) and beat up on you a little bit :-* Like I told you earlier, " There ain't NOTHING this county girl can't do" And thats the truth too!
Hang in there Honey! I need your friendship!
Jena
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Jeff
You are one of the strongest and bravest men l know.I am honoured to call you a friend.
You have heard me bitch and you have heard me happy.Like Jena said you have a heart of gold,and l am grateful of your support.
You are simply the best!
And if Eric and Jena want to borrow my handcuffs to beat you up they can....Wait a sec you might like it.
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Hello Jeff, it is Eldon. I wished I still lived in Phoenix so I could drive over and we could have a little pep up chit-chat. Just wanted to let you know that I am honored that you took the time to share with the young ones about your life and HIV.
We are all in this together, and as I say; "Support Each Other".
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Thank you all for the words of encouragement and LOVE and Support. Wow I am deeply touched. I can't tell you all how much better I'm feeling!
Now about the handcuffs and beatings...Wow sounds like fun. For the record....I have NO EXPERIENCE with HANDCUFFS but, being the trooper I am, I'M WILLING TO LEARN!
Thanks again everyone my spirits have been lifted. Thanks for beating me back in the saddle! LoL...Have a great weekend everyone.
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Hi Jeff,
When we were PM ing earlier about RWCA funding issues and envolvement with your local Planning Counsil, I hope I said something about the value of choosing our battles. We all know there are more wars than soldiers in the battle against this disease, the stigma, the funding, disclosure, patient/client rights and the right to receive comprehensive services, no matter the geographical location of the patient/client address.
When you told me of the speaking event to youth, I was very impressed! I have always been a firm believer that prevention is the key to success in the war. Telling your life story to those kids has certainly made an impact in their lives. Having to have relived your personal experiences will certainly cause depression. This type of depression is situational as opposed to being constitutional and can be dealt with without anti-depressants.
I chose the RWCA funding as my personal battle because I can do it without getting personal. I do a lot of public disclosure through the press and business contacts in a 5 county region. I speak for 1.1 million persons living with HIV/AIDS in the U.S., the 59,000 people in California and the 700 people in care in Sonoma County. Since I am not speaking for me as an individual, getting personal will not increase the benefits.
Speaking to those 60 kids and planning participation in future events is totally remarkable. ("totally remarkable" is there a Sonomabeach in the valley?). Anyway, I was just sitting around a little depressed myself (situational, not constitutional) and was looking for something that would feel good. There are so few that deliver the things we need to continue in our battles. I hope you continue to speak to the kids about prevention, risks, and early treatment. Have the best day
Michael
www.Commission-on-AIDS.org (http://www.Commission-on-AIDS.org)
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You're a wonderful human being Jeff.
Take some time for you for a change...you're always thinking of others before yourself.
Paul.
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Hey Jeff,
It is hard when all the memories from what happened in the past suddenly come back, but in a way it is a good sign that you can share it with kids, and find the power to find yourself back within two weeks (with a little help from your friends). You sound like a strong man to me!
Coen
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Jeffery........
I too am glad to hear you are feeling better. God knows we all have good days and bad...sometimes those bad ones seem to go on and on. This forum family has come to my rescue on more than several occassions and I thank God for those who supported me in those terrible times of grief after I lost David. Please remember you still have much to offer...speaking to those kids that night might have saved more than one life and isn't that what its all about... We all have demons we have to wrestle from time to time but its sure is nice knowing that there are others who UNDERSTAND and who share their love and support in so many ways. Hang in there, good buddy. We NEED YOU as much as you need us.
{{{{ Big Hug }}}}
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Just because some of us are long-termers(22years here) doesn't mean we have all the answers all the time. We are human too,get down at times and need love and support like anyone else.
Fondly, Jeffreyj
Geeze Bud,
You certainly couldn't have said this any better!
How to handle the blues is really the hardest part of that long-term solution. Keeping referenced to one day at a time is one of the things that has really helped me along the way. Guess that is why my friend back in San Francisco insisted that I accompany him to the Nation Convention of Alcoholics Annonimous back there in the '80's. It has helped me so very many times to soften the hard days, and keep on going.
Thanks for the report, and thanks for understanding that there are people here that are placed here by a much higher power than we can dare to understand. Sometimes it might be a caustic remark, sometimes a sweet one; either way, the remarks coming from our co-horts here, do somehow sustain and feed us and in the end, keep us grounded.
I see the post-it there on the phone, and I think it is time to ring my friend from the North. ;
Love you Dude, and look forward to seeing you once again.