POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: LostChild89 on February 23, 2014, 05:18:42 pm
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According to an infectious disease doctor on February 12 of this year, I am HIV Positive. That was even hard to write. The hard part is I got tested often since my last bought of risky business in 2012 (untreated bipolar disorder mixed with alcohol and extra money was not a good mix). Every OraQuick/OraSure test I took came back negative. Nevertheless, a routine complete blood panel came back preliminary positive and Feb 12 was the day my WB came back. I may have been living with the virus for almost two years without being treated or even knowing!
Needless to say, I AM PISSED. From that day until now I have HATED MY LIFE, WANTED TO DIE, WANTED TO LIVE, BELIEVED I CAN BE CURED THROUGH JESUS CHRIST (which I can be just not in the way I was hoping), and now I'M EXHAUSTED.
Nothing could prepare me do be blindsided with this. And to make matters worse, I lost my job and home this past September and am living with my parents again. I have very little energy lately, I wake up with headaches and I'm really battling sharing with anyone other than my friend who is also poz.
I guess I'm just writing because I really am running on fumes right now and need some guidance. Are my current symptoms an OI or am I just stressing? How long before some of you 'got through'? How do I stop feeling like I bought this on myself for not getting help for my bipolar in time to control myself? Do I tell my parents now? How hard is it to take your meds without messing up?
Y'all I'm just scared...
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Reading your post sounds like me just a month ago. I found out Jan 21st, 2014. I've been positive for over 2 years as well, without knowing it.
I had almost the exact same reaction. I'm still terrified. But it's beatable. It's livable. Take time curing the day to stop whatever it is you're doing and sit and breathe. Even if just for a moment or two, it will help a lot with the anxiety.
And no, nothing can prepare you for this. I wasn't expecting either. Spent the better part of two weeks crying myself to sleep. But, I'm poz. I can't go back and change it. I can't relive my past every day, and neither can you. It does get better with time. It does get easier.
I am not on meds yet, so I can't comment on that.
When, or if you choose to tell your parents is up to you. I still haven't told mine. Now, I'm not even sure I want to. Living with your parents will make it more difficult to keep a secret for long, but you can still not tell them. It's all up to you.
As for your symptoms, I've had some pretty bad fatigue in the last couple years. Headaches have been a nuisance for me lately as well, but not terrible. Don't blame all of that on your HIV though. Depression plays a big role is those symptoms as well.
Also, beating yourself up will help nothing. Yes, it's hard to stop doing it and I still do it once in awhile, but it doesn't help anything. When you get stuck in your head, and you start to get mad at yourself, stop, and breathe again. Inhale slowly and count 1, 2, 3, then exhale slowly 1,2,3. You will be amazed at how well it works to get you out of your head.
From a recently positive person, with past mental health issues, I completely understand where your coming from. Don't let that stop you. You can do it. You can get through this.
Welcome by the way.
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LostChild you have a lot of challenges on your plate. Im sorry HIV got plopped down there too.
Try to remember as the body is concerned, HIV is a very controllable chronic condition when the person can have good reliable medical care and the funds to follow it and the discipline to take the medicine when necessary.
Im guessing you will need to get a good mastery of your bi-polarity so you learn the work arounds and compensatory actions (non-actions) to limit the damage it brings to your life and heart. What kind of treatment (if any) is available to you for bi-polarity?
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Thanks guys. I'm currently in therapy and on Abilify which is originally for bipolar and bipolar depression. Lexapro also helps with the anxiety as well. I have been seeking treatment for bipolar for months now and that aspect now is finally starting to make sense. It's just this blow.
Honestly just reading some of these post online are empowering. Everyone seems to be very positive (no pun intended) with their lives on meds and things. Add crazy as it was, the first thing I thought was "what gay man is going to be willing to marry damaged goods now"... I apologize how that sounds but love being so important to me and since I haven't found itin another just yet...that's where I went.
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Hey Lostchild89. It is hard. I was diagnosed just under 2 years ago. I was initially concerned how people would react - obviously haven't told the world, but close friends and family and they have all been accepting. I don't know if you mentioned or not, but I hope that your family is being supportive and that your friends are accepting of you no matter what. Most days don't even think about it now - although I have just started meds, so am thinking about it a lot recently.
In terms of your headaches - has your doctor checked you out - I had intense migraines -which ended up being meningitis - that was when I was diagnosed HIV. So if it continues for a week or so, have it checked out.
I have been involved with a very lovely guy that accepted my faults and has accepted my status, so there is someone out there for you. Keep you head up.
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Hey guys.
Recently diagnosed and not on meds yet (but when I meet with my doc next week, I definitely want to start no matter what). I remember when I first started having these symptoms. They have been steady, but consistent for about five months. This is still almost a year after my exposure. It was around the time I lost my job so I chalked it up to that, but I am curious on what some of you think.
I am wondering did any of you either experience or hear of the following symptoms being laced to HIV?
- weight gain
- hair loss
- headaches
- fatigue
- slightly swollen, mildly painful tonsils
- congestion with mucus flem
I get I have to talk to my ID doc, I have an appointment on 3/10. However, I am wondering if these sound familiar and more importantly, can/will these go away with getting on meds (hypothetically, of course).
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All those "symptoms" are rather generic and can be hiv.related or not. Sometimes a headache is just a headache.
Why did you post this in the lypodystrophy page
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hey man, welcome to the boards and the life... i'd love to tell you how awesome it all is, but that'd be bullshit wouldn't it. thing is, you're gonna be alright, trust that. those symptoms you list, everybody has them, positive or negative. thats just part of the human condition. they mean nothing without context. talk to your dr about them, but until then just relax. you're asking questions that don't really have answers yet.
as far as where you post, don't sweat it, mods will sort things out and you'll catch on soon enough
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Hi lost . I merged your thread into your original one so that all of your thoughts and concerns about dealing with the news of your HIV status are in one place .
You have had some thoughtful reply's and I'm sure there will be more .
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Thanks guys... I admit I am a little clueless in comparison to what I thought I knew.
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Hello Lost,
Read this as often as need be: I've been poz for 30 years, take meds, have decent health and it does get better, I promise.
Welcome to the forums.
Joe
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That really encourages me!!! Thanks. I have at least another 60 left in me!
Hello Lost,
Read this as often as need be: I've been poz for 30 years, take meds, have decent health and it does get better, I promise.
Welcome to the forums.
Joe
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Hey lost - hope your visit with the doc was helpful. I know that when I was initially diagnosed I looked up on the net. Sometimes there is so much information and one sometimes thinks or links things to HIV when it may just be genetics or just a simple cold etc. However, keep monitoring yourself and if you do see any changes it is best to talk to the doc. We are all here to give moral support and in some cases medical or past experience. However everyone is different. Hope you are feeling better about everything.