POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: ga1964 on July 31, 2011, 02:55:02 am
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It has been a while since I've posted. My last post here was "I want to die." I have been seeing a Therapist for a while now, and I am trying to find my way back to "LIFE". I'm trying to face some of my demons and work through them so I can, hopefully, see a life worth living. For those that replied to my last post, thank you for your advice and I'm sorry I was resistant to some of them. Sometimes I can be hard headed. My bad!
Like I said I have been seeing a Therapist for the last few months. She's had me do "Homework" between appointments, because it's easier for me to put it on paper than talk about things face to face, I think. Don't ask me why, I don't know, I wish I did. One of my quirks, I guess.
At my last appointment, she asked me to write about "Self-Acceptance", "Fears", and "Guilt". I have decided to do this in 3 parts, because the last two get fairly long and I am interested in hearing your take on the 3. I would also like to hear others thoughts on the 3 on how each pertain to you. The following is what "Self-Acceptance" applies to me.
Self Acceptance
I know that I will never be the perfect person that I try to show the world. I accept that I have many faults like everybody else, and that's only human. I learned to accept my sexuality around the age of 16. Looking back now, I can see that I started having clues about my sexuality as early as 7 or 8 years of age. I learned at an early age that there were things different about me and learned how to hide these differences from everyone because I knew that I was not “normal” like the rest of the world. I even knew to hide it from my parents and siblings when I lived with them. I grew up feeling that if I did confide to my parents that they would have looked at me as if I was defective and tried to “cure” me. As I grew up I knew that I could not tell anyone, even family, because it would put me at risk of being harassed and bullied. I could not be truly honest with my family or friends. I learned not to let the negative things people said about gays affect me, or so I thought. I learned to “hide” instead of standing up for myself. I learned how to put on an “act” to survive. When I moved out on my own, I separated myself from my family for the most part, so that I could live with who I am. I disassociated myself from my family so that I could be who I was without having to “cover” the truth to them. It was fine back then, because I had grown use to putting on an “act” when I had to be around them, and I made it a point not to be around them very much, just around holidays. When I would see them I would put on a front that I knew would be “acceptable” to them. As I grew older and wanted to be closer to my family, the “act” that I put on became bigger and bigger until it was to much work to keep up, so I started pulling away from them so they would not learn my “secret”. I lived that lie for so long that I forgot who I use to be. Even after coming out to my family, I still feel the need to watch everything I say and do when I'm around them. I know that they accept me for who I am now, but I can't shake the need to “filter” what I am, so as not to make them feel uncomfortable. It's hell not being able to just be “me” when I was growing up. A child is supposed to be able to tell their parents anything without the fear of being rejected. I did not have that. Due to my parent’s religious beliefs and the desire to make them proud of me and to make them think that I was “normal”, I learned to put on a “façade” that they would accept. It was my coping mechanism.
I accept that I am the one who carelessly exposed my self to HIV. I don’t blame anyone but myself. It is my fault that I did not take the necessary precautions to prevent contracting HIV. I don’t blame the person who exposed me to HIV, because it was my responsibility to protect myself. I hate where I am in life now because of my carelessness, but it is something that can not be changed. I finally got to a point that I could show more of who I am to my family and now I have something else I feel the need to hide. Maybe I’m so use to having something to hide that I don’t know how to live without having something to hide. But living in the South, I’ve learned that even murderer's can be forgiven before someone being gay can be. It is common thought that being gay is a “choice”. It’s not. It’s not a defect in my DNA. I did not wake up one morning and decide that I wanted to live a life of being rejected and ridiculed for who I am. That would be insane, but everyone wants to believe that it is a choice, even though they have not walked in my shoes. It’s just part of the South, and if you do not “fit” the image that they feel is “normal”, then it’s ok to ostracize you.
Thanks for reading and posting your opinion. Part 2. "Acceptance" will follow shortly.
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A belated welcome back. It's good to see you posting again; you went through some very tough times a few months back.
I've been out of town without internet a few weeks and was catching up on the forums and saw your post.
Its great to hear that you have engaged with a therapist. I've started working with a therapist also and he has been encouraging me to do "homework" too. Mine has all been in the "fears" category though, so don't know what to offer about self acceptance.
For me, self acceptance came when I was willing to acknowledge that I couldn't control everything about myself. Sounds silly to say it, but many of us feel it so important to take responsibility, to be in charge, to make it go well for others that we think we can change our fundamental selves to please others -- that we can be completely self made.
Even though reality clarifies that we cannot be self made, it takes time and repeated reflection to understand that and to accept oneself wholly.
...or at least that is my take.
How are you doing on the homework? Are you ready to post "fears"?
Be well
A