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So I just messed my life up

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Ruined Life:
I am currently living with this and am struggling to cope as its my fault.
Background is a happy heterosexual relationship of a 9 and half years, 8 year old daughter. We are always together, never apart, work and live together. We were 24/7.
Didn't want it to end.

Felt like I had a lack of sex and fantasy in the relationship in the last 2 years so I went and got it during a bad patch and........
Slept with a female prostitute and now have HIV.
I told her straight away, diagnosed in March and contracted in October. She is safe.
She can not leave the family home as there is a housing shortage so we have to deal with each other on a daily basis whilst she frantically tries to move out.
We see every part of our lives being ripped apart, selling our belongings, publishing everything on facebook. (apart from my HIV). The pain it is causing our friends and family is terrible.
We are untangling our entwined lives...
I am not looking for sympathy but advice. Does this get easier.
Iv cheated once in my life and its bad enough but adding to it with HIV i do feel hard done by.
I loved my partner but let her down, thats terrible and show what type of person I have become.
She told me she could of gotten over the cheating but not the disease.
She has been great stopping me killing myself and making sure im ok but she is having to hide her feelings and it killing her. It shows what type of woman i am losing.
I have been writing suicide notes and letters about my day, but they all end sad.
They are mostly about my partner and what I am losing. I do not blame her.

Does this get better? I assume thats down to me. We have a very small circle of friend and go the same place. We see each other daily at work. I have a good job but now feel i have to leave. I can not watch her daily.   

Tonny2:



                   ojo.           Hello there!Ö Iím sorry about your dx, and Iím sorry about your family dilemma. Speaking about the HIV diagnosis it will get easier but about your relationship if she loves you, take her with you to the ID Doctor so he/she can explain to her what HIV is and maybe she will understand and stay with you. I hope somebody else will chime in and can give you a better advice. English is my second language, and I canít express myself as it were my native language. You are not alone as what a living with  hiv is, Information and support. Speaking of it when medication as you taking and how are your numbers?Ö Wishing you the best and we are here for you.Ö Hugs

Jim Allen:
Hiya.

Sorry to hear about how much pain you are in but you are not alone.  Also sad to hear your wifes issue isn't the cheating but having a partner with an easily manageable condition.

Read your post a few times... Appreciate right now a lot is going on, grieving the end of a relationship and digesting an HIV diagnosis at once can easily feel overwhelming at times. Things do get better, relationships do sadly end, it's part of life and HIV isn't the end of the world.

However, don't give up the job, you need an income, and although painful at the moment I think quitting and being out of work or starting a new job will only compound matters. Don't engage in disruptive behaviour at home or online, I know you mentioned Facebook, don't! And as horrible as it sounds talk to a lawyer sooner rather than later, divorce always sucks but best to get legal advice early.

Talk to your HIV healthcare provider and make sure they are aware of the feelings you have been experiencing. Certain HIV meds can make depression and suicidal thoughts worse so it's really necessary that they know. If you feel you are going to hurt yourself go to the hospital today!

What meds are you on and how are your labs? CD4/VL?

Ruined Life:
Unfortunately for me.
Me and my partner are over.
The problem was it was a shock for us all and she couldn't stop loving me straight away.
We carried on as normal. Sleeping in our bed, going out, shopping, cuddling. Hair and neck stroking whilst watching netflix, We even went on Holiday to a 5* hotel. Nothing changed.

But at every possible moment she would remind me she is leaving.
Every time she did I would cry.
I told her I will hold on to hope that she is just moving to setup a new life then invite me.

She never told me no, just that we were over.
I think she needed it to remain as normal as possible until she goes.

I used to say she is "killing me with love" and using this time to get over me.

We had a massive argument after going to a BBQ two days ago, I told her I couldn't go to but I would if she needed me to.

I felt like a leper. Didn't want to touch anything or shake anyone's hands.
It was horrible.
Felt nervous and awkward.

I slipped into an alternative reality after a while and for a moment forgot we are not together and started to relax.

It all came crashing down when I walked in on her talking to someone about needing help to call for an apartment as she needs to leave me.

It broke me, I had to leave. Crying. I told her I had to go and she should stay but she didn't want to so we all left.
Horrible, I must have looked pathetic.

She was angry with me but what did she expect after doing that?
After needing me to be there. asking me to come, she didn't need to say it out loud and not there.

At home that night it all went wrong, screaming and shouting at each other, glass thrown at me and cutting my leg.

She told me that she knew 2 weeks ago we would never be together again and was sick of hiding her feelings to protect me.
She said she was done with me and was going to text my bother saying she can not care for me anymore with my mental health but stopped herself.

I was so angry that she was letting confess my love and holding on to hope when she could have just let me go.

I know I did this but she could have just said there is no hope and I could have tried to change my mind set.

We have a lawyer booked to go over everything.

At the start we had agreed to always be there for each other and I will help her every step of the way with everything. Taking her shopping, family days out together and i'll take our daughter to school everyday and drop her off. Also stay with me a 3 nights a week.
We just can not be together anymore.

I used to say "It feels to us like an unwritten law that we cannot be together and we still love each other so it will all work out".

She now told me she wants nothing from me just to see our daughter.

In the end I broke her and our family also my life and I cannot ask for help as I did this.   

 As of 10/4 my CD4 is 225 and VL is 385

Jim Allen:
Hate to say it but your wife and the situation sounds toxic to me and you are torturing yourself but going alone with pretending things are normal, going to BBQ and even vacation with her, stop it!

Anyhow, sorry to hear about your struggles.

What HIV meds are you on? Have you spoken to your doctor about your mental health and have you considered seeing a therapist? Might be worth seeing your own lawyer separately before seeing one together.

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