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Author Topic: Choosing To Die  (Read 3844 times)

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Offline RMartell

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Choosing To Die
« on: December 29, 2021, 03:59:14 pm »
I was Diagnosed back in 2013. and started meds 2014 to 1020. I have descided to stop any and all HIV medications.
I am now at where my Viral load is doubling.
I have Chosen to let the Virus take over and let whatever will happen to my Body and mind.
Is their anyone out their in their 50s who is HIV Poz and Not on meds?

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2021, 04:36:27 pm »
Hiya.

I've moved your post to this section as it's anything but an " off-topic."  subject.

Now I know that my response might not be the most popular, but ill post it anyway.

I can think of better, less horrific ways of going out, but each to their own. I'm sorry to hear that you have reached this point in your life. I'm sure you have your reasons and have given this great deal of thought and discussed it already. So ill not question that, but if you want to talk, let me know.

You mention doubling the viral load, I presume that means you still see a healthcare provider, they are aware of your plan, and your health is still being monitored?

Ultimately, it is your choice. If you choose to continue on this path, my only thought would be to finish any bucket list items sooner rather than later and keep your healthcare provider informed.

Best Jim.
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Offline Almost2late

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2021, 06:24:29 pm »
I was Diagnosed back in 2013. and started meds 2014 to 1020. I have descided to stop any and all HIV medications.
I am now at where my Viral load is doubling.
I have Chosen to let the Virus take over and let whatever will happen to my Body and mind.
Is their anyone out their in their 50s who is HIV Poz and Not on meds?

We have this in common.. we were both diagnosed around the same time, and in our 50's. I admit I also had thought of checking out the same way early after my diagnosis bc of the shame of being HIV+. But I came to realize that life is precious, full of wonder, and is not forever.. I prefer to ride it out with a "let's see what happens" attitude.
Death is something we all will have to succumb to sooner or later.. I guess I'd hate to check out before my time and miss out on the future.. good or bad.

Most HIV+ people in their 50's who have access to antiviral medication choose to live as long as possible. In some parts of the world access is hard, and those people I'm sure would love access to those life saving drugs your doctor prescribes for you.

Death by way of aids is going to be long and painful. I hope you change your mind.. it's not worth it, take your meds.

Offline leatherman

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2021, 07:10:08 pm »
Death by way of aids is going to be long and painful.
ain't that the truth. My first partner died in 94 when there was only AZT. It was a miserable death that took 18 months of him dying. My second partner died in 2008 after being diagnosed and untreated too late. It was a fucking miserable death too that only took 3 months. I nearly died myself a couple of times (so i actually do know how miserable you are before dying since I just barely survived); but here I am 25 different HIV meds and 26 yrs later about to hit 60.

I am now at where my Viral load is doubling.
btw
you never actually mentioned your viral load. What do you mean by doubling?
and
talk to your doctor and change meds, for goodness sake!
this isn't 1994 and there are plenty of options.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline daveR

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2021, 10:27:58 pm »
A hard post to read. If it is a cry for help, you have come to the right place. Many on here have lived with HIV for a long time, I read and take inspiration from their posts.

I am in my 50's, life has been problematic since I was diagnosed, especially work wise. There have been a couple of times when I say to myself, why bother. Just go out naturally. But I always look deep for an alternative, a reason to carry on with the pills. And I always see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Do the same, look for a reason, somebody out there will miss you.

Dave

Offline virgo313

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2021, 10:40:50 am »
It’s ur decision & in a way we can only hope you start back medication. I think many of us is asking why?
RVD Nov 2015. VL --> Log 5.32 HAART on 23/11/15
TDF+FTC+EFV / Chemo KS - 25/11/15 - 20/01/16.
CD4 - 4 (3/11/15) / VL - 225,000

Offline RMartell

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2021, 10:46:58 am »
Thank all of you for opening and sharing. To discuss the real of real in life NOT many can Do. Many still can live a productive life yes you are right. Medications have come along way. However still Not a CURE.
Finding a place to talk. well, I will mention been in Therapy for 20 years. and He has said many of words to give light and comfort of a future. I am Not that man. My Story didn't start when I was diagnosed. My Death ENDED that day Yes. I accepted that. I accepted I needed some time. so, I chose the meds to give me that.
You see At The time I was diagnosed. My Mother passed away and my father alone. I had also fallen in love by a very persistent man. he knew I was HIV. He LOVED ME MY SOUL MY ESSANCE OF Spirit.
My Husband passed 2 years after my mother and then my father passed last year.
So, you see Now My Story Is Done, No children No siblings. I'm going to be 55. I accept fate. LORD JESUS Says in the BIBLE. One must suffer to be saved. I have to do this to go to heaven Now. that's how it is. I don't believe in assisted suicide. I wish to go to Heaven where my husband, my mother and father are. HOME.
This is not my pity. This is Just a man looking for another who also chose to Let go of the BORROWED TIME WE HAVE.
This is real to me. every thought, every emotion and feeling. Right Now, I am at ease. IT WILL GET worse. . Should I share this experience with others. wouldn't there be another like me. seeking he calm in my breath as I speak but scared deep within.
It is OK to DIE. I Embraced and LIVED. trust me. I LOVED live still do. Just My time is up. How I face it is what Matters Right?

Offline CR2016

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2021, 12:20:56 pm »
Okay... its really hard to read this.
now you know me and someothers here, respect what you have decided. I think most of us have had depression along our poz process. i have had a depression recently and somedays i have thought about being tired of living more... tired for the same people acts, same stupids ideas, etc. i have a husband, i love him so much, but i love me so much too, i love nature, i love discovering that there is beyond what i see.... with my husband or alone, i love what there is! My sister died at his 23; it was an accident... then i have decided to live as long i could. My mother spread a horrible gossip about mi status; i trusted her to be poz few years ago and then she did this. many people fail us (my parents) or leave out unfairly.
You have decided to to that... you know what is gonna happen and you hope somethings to find. Well. As Jim said below, you will always have here someone to talk if you wanna.
Hugs and regards!

Offline Almost2late

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2021, 10:22:04 pm »
So, you see Now My Story Is Done, No children No siblings. I'm going to be 55. I accept fate. LORD JESUS Says in the BIBLE. One must suffer to be saved. I have to do this to go to heaven.

If you're a Christian, how can you claim your story is done? I thought that was Gods call.

What you're doing is committing suicide.. isn't suicide a sin, no different from murder?

I honestly don't see this as you "accepting your fate". God has given you a way to continue to live.. he's put medicine via your doctor in front of you to take..
Quote
Mathew 9:12
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

God doesn't want you to die.. if he did he'd put your medication out of reach, strike you dead with lightning or you'd be hit by a bus.

You're not taking care of the life God gave you. You don't know what God's plans are for you. Maybe he plans for you to save someone else, love someone else, or live for 50 more years.. it's not for you to decide, it's God's decision. 

If you allow yourself to die by YOUR choice, you have forsaken God and his plans for you.

Living with HIV is OUR FATE and part of God's plan.. if God wanted us to die, we'd be dead.. period.

Offline Jody

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2022, 04:58:27 pm »
Consider looking for an in person support group. I was convinced to join one back in 1995.  I was worried of course when I stepped in the room.  The second time I was even more worried as I thought...Did the guys like me, do they want me back?  Well they were great and took me under their wing.  A few years later I found myself as the senior member and I took newer members under my wing and was blessed to mentor them.  Keep on truckin '
"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world".
 "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

Grateful Dead

Offline RMartell

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2022, 03:41:22 pm »
We Listen to our OWN VOICE in our heads. For myself. That Voice has been my entire Collection of LIFE. The Embracing and enduring the absorbing the Creating Fractures and breaks in Time. I've questioned my life and its Direction of purpose and quality for decades. Living The Life. When one comes to The Clarity as I Have. When I Sit in Silence. I AM Free.

Offline leatherman

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2022, 06:53:34 pm »
talk to your doctor and change meds, for goodness sake!
this isn't 1994 and there are plenty of options.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

We were standing all alone
You were leaning in to speak to me
Acting like a mover shaker
Dancing to Madonna then you kissed me
And I think about it all the time
- Darren Hayes, "Chained to You"

Offline Matths

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2022, 08:17:32 am »
Hi RMartell, with all respect but you sounds severely depressed and my one and only advice is to seek professional help from a psychiatrist who should, together with you, coordinate your road to recovery. I apologize for being that blunt but it’s better to call things what they are rather than trying to persuade you of something that you may not be able to achieve alone. If you need help finding a proper person, feel free to reach out to any of us separately or post it here and I am certain this group of your peers will do our best to help you finding the right person. Best Matt

Offline CR2016

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2022, 10:36:14 am »
Well, he has so clear what he has chosen. An he decided to share his opinion here.
End of the statement; there are many other people who really need good advices  8) ;)

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2022, 12:28:40 pm »
@RMartell

I have merged your threads, for the time being, I am going to ask you to keep your thought and posts within this one thread.

 
Quote
My Mother passed away and my father alone. I had also fallen in love by a very persistent man. he knew I was HIV. He LOVED ME MY SOUL MY ESSANCE OF Spirit.
My Husband passed 2 years after my mother and then my father passed last year.

Sorry to read about the loss of your loved ones. Although dying is part of our existence, it does not make it less painful & impactful to those left behind.

Best, Jim.
HIV 101 - Everything you need to know
HIV 101
Read more about Testing here:
HIV Testing
Read about Treatment-as-Prevention (TasP) here:
HIV TasP
You can read about HIV prevention here:
HIV prevention
Read about PEP and PrEP here
PEP and PrEP

Offline nethan1621

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2022, 06:56:52 pm »
How are you doing there …. Let me hear your all the pain 🤗🤗🤗 lets talk

Offline Tonny2

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Re: Choosing To Die
« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2022, 06:29:37 pm »



          ojo.         @OP AND TO ALL…I’ve been a member of these forums for many years and, I’ve always tried to support and share my story with others so others can see that there is life after an hiv/aids dx but, I have also, said to others that it’s ok to let go, if that’s what they choose to do…my dear cousin is going through hell right now, chinio, but, she has decided to fight and she keeps fighting every 21 days that she gets her “torture “ she calles it like that, I’m so proud of her…one time, I was told by a hospital nurse who got to know me for so many times I ended up in the hospital due to so many OÍ, illnesses or condition for the med’s side effects, “tonny2, wouldn’t be easier to just let go, just quit?”, I told her, “yes, it may be easier just to quit fighting but, I asked her, do you see that lady sitting on that chair in the corner of this room?, she said, yes, well, I said to her, that lady is my mother, she is being there, fighting with me since my dx, and I think, she suffers more than me seeing her son suffering, well, I might quit until she quits”. 27 years later, she was 60 years old, yes, now 87, and she still goes with me to all my doctor’s appointments, she hasn’t quit, so, I’m still here. We will keep fighting because we have chosen to do so…well, OP, I understand your decision but understand that, this is a forum dedicated to support life and understand  our member’s replies…I wish you the best…hugs



PS. Bear with me, English is my second language and IAM legally blind. So I hope you guys can understand my reply

 


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