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Author Topic: Disclosing to parents...  (Read 4656 times)

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Offline newbie92

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Disclosing to parents...
« on: December 11, 2017, 12:10:06 pm »
Hey there everyone,
In March of 2018 it will be 4 years since I have been diagnosed with HIV.
Honestly, Iím okay. I feel the same way, physically, before I was diagnosed. My mother just recently went to do a life insurance policy on me but of course she checked the ďnoĒ box for having HIV. Of course, when I sign those papers so they are able to retrieve my medical information it will be denied.

Unfortunately, I still have yet to disclose my status to my mother.
I am her youngest and Iím a heterosexual female and Iím not sure what she will think of me... I donít usually tell her whatís going on in my life because I feel like sheís hard on me and donít really give supportive words of wisdom.

I need some help here. I want to tell her after the holidays. How long did you guys wait to disclose your status to your parents and how did you tell them?

Offline Lightfighter

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2017, 06:56:40 pm »
My dad passed in 2001.

I told my mom last Christmas. It wasn't storybook or anything like that. I was tired of hearing her complain about my wife not making dressing (stuffing for you folks up north, not sure what you call it in other countries) and saying she was going to go home since she didn't make it and Christmas is ruined because of that.

I told her to lay off her that's she's a good person etc etc so she kept bad mouthing my wife. My response was I just quiet and family. I've had a bad year and I don't want or need this. She responded with humph, can't be that bad. I said I was diagnosed with HIV in April and my wife was exposed to it. She's negative and she didn't leave me. That has to say something about her character. 

You could have heard a pin drop. She apologized, which is a rarity.

We ate dinner, without dressing, and she stayed, rather humbled if I do say so myself.

Offline mecch

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2017, 08:56:58 pm »
Lightfighter, you did as you needed but i don't love the "tool" aspect of that disclosure. Whatever. Guess she had it coming and it worked out well!

Newbie92, if you think your mother knowing is going to be a net negative for your relationship, don't sign the paper, and don't tell her. Thats my 2 cents.  Dont even tell her why you aren't signing cept some vague and irritated sounded excuse like "my longevity is my own problem, mom, and this creeps me out, so no thanks."  Then shut up about it.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Lightfighter

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2017, 10:17:31 pm »
Lightfighter, you did as you needed but i don't love the "tool" aspect of that disclosure. Whatever. Guess she had it coming and it worked out well!

Newbie92, if you think your mother knowing is going to be a net negative for your relationship, don't sign the paper, and don't tell her. Thats my 2 cents.  Dont even tell her why you aren't signing cept some vague and irritated sounded excuse like "my longevity is my own problem, mom, and this creeps me out, so no thanks."  Then shut up about it.

I didn't like that aspect either. I didn't want to tell her due to her age. Don't need her worrying about me. But like you said, she had it coming.

I agree with what you told Newbie. Great way to do it with the grumpy longevity and creeping me out. Sounds like a real good way to end it.

Offline newbie92

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2017, 09:55:18 am »
Hi lightfighter and meech,
I guess naturally she will be upset because she may feel like I was careless. I honestly donít know what she will think but I just donít want her to scold me or treat me differently.

Offline em

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2017, 10:49:31 am »
You asked about anyone else telling their parents

I told my mother right away in the hope she would disown me and or was my hope she would stop being so judgmental of me being such a failure

She said I did not think you were that bad ?

whatever that was supposed to mean

My brother I shared an apartment with told him and he got choked up and said they must have made a mistake 

My dad I told him a while  later when he asked how things are going

He wanted me to get a truck driving license so we could drive big rigs around the country. Like his favorite song from way back when i was a kid  giddyup go

My dad had said  I should stop working where I worked and stop hanging around those kind of people because other people would talk?

The brother I told is still alive and he is in the Air Force. He is a lieutenant colonel or maybe by now a colonel it has been a few years since we spoke last

My parents have since passed away. that disclosure was almost 30 years or so ago.

Now at least you should not to have to worry about passing away soon . like back then I thought I would be dead soon. long term plans were not on my mind.

years and years have passed  since then

my experience with telling my family

NOt knowing your parents I do not know how they might react

but it is up to you how and if you tell them

you have plenty of time and along life ahead of you HIV should deter you from making long term plans

best of luck

Offline kentfrat1783

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2017, 11:09:41 am »

Well my situation was a tough/easy one and well it's out.

I was admitted to the hospital and they couldn't figure out why the pneumonia was so bad but after a few blood tests later they learned I was HIV+ and had PCP.  Since my mom was with me at the hospital at that point the doctor told her (with my approval).  Then she went blabbing her mouth to my dad, neighbor and I think her sister.  She did that before asking if that was OK and I made it very clear after that "DO NOT TELL ANYONE".  It is my choice who I tell.  Now she doesn't understand why I tell her nothing now about my health.  My health concerns/conditions are mine and not to be told to others.

I did tell my partner (that turned out is also +), my best friend and my sister.  Well she is a nurse so she already had a hunch on what is going on so wasn't too big of a surprise to her.

Other then that no one else knows except for my doctors (obviously). 

If you don't want to tell your mom (as that is totally fine) I wouldn't sign the paperwork either.  That could potentially make it so she couldn't get her own policy or make it invalidated later.

I do wish you the best in your discussion and if you do tell her I hope it goes well. 


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Offline Jackmydin

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2017, 07:42:00 am »
well mine was pretty straight forward too when disclosing my status to my parents..and im still glad i didnt hide it from them.

the story started 5 years ago when i just started working in spore and the first condition is being checked for health condition. Thats the moment i got my striking news. At first the HR asked me to go down the clinic and take the result myself, it was weird because usually they are the one handling work permits but i just follow suit. next thing i was told im a positive and no longer allowed to work there anymore. At first it felt like a big hammer hit on my head, i couldnt think, my minds like processing hundreds thousands of data and i get a little head spin. I didnt thought much, and made the phone call back to my mom right after 30 mins walking out the clinic. i told her about this, and as parents they usually ask alot, but this time she just kept quiet, and asked me to get back the second day for a second check up in our local bloodlab. No surprise, second blood test comes out positive and im being admitted directly to the hospital next day to register myself with their ''special care unit'' . Sooner or later, my mom , then my dad, my siblings, then my relatives all knew about it. They just pretend im normal, but i can feel the pretentious care and attitude. Maybe i was thinking too much, but thinking back again im glad i didn't hide it from them. All these years they gave me the biggest support and concern when i got a small flu, even thought it could be a little frustrating when my parents try to recommend alternative supplements like goat milk, coconut oil, some weird herbs etc.

And that's my story, i wasnt thinking much about the consequences on how they would react and how they see me after disclosing to them. And being the eldest son, they had lots of hope and plannings for me. I imagine it would be devastating for them too at night, thinking why their son would come across this fate.

Offline harleymc

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2017, 08:28:04 pm »
I'm not sure if the policy being taken out is a family one or if this is a seperate policy for you.

If it's a family one, you can not allow it to go through with false information as the false information may invalidate the entire policy and leave the other family members uninsured.

What you do to prevent that is of course entirely up to you.

Offline newbie92

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2018, 11:47:37 am »
I just donít know what she will say honestly and thatís what Iím afraid of. I know she wonít disown me, but I feel like she will be upset.

To harleymc: itís a policy for me only.

Offline Jim Allen

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2018, 03:46:55 pm »
This page might help: https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics/disclosure
It also contains a paragraph on disclosure towards friends and family.

I think how upset someone will be also depends on the delivery of the disclosure, I mean if you drop it like a bomb on someone who is not expecting it or who is not up to speed with HIV development well than it could be an additionally hard shock.
Perhaps if it was me I would phrase it something down the lines of: "I know you don't know this about me but I have what is today a manageable condition and I want to tell you about it, no need to worry as its okay and I am fine, I take 1 pill a day to manage this and I can live a normal life ... I am living with HIV"

Anyhow I am sure you will figure it out, I do agree with Mecch to be honest, don't sign up for the life insurance and say you want to be on your own policy. If you don't want to disclose to your mother there is no need to do so.

I feel like she will be upset.

You know her and so you would be best to judge that, my kids are very young but if they later in life told me they were living with HIV or another manageable condition, I would not be upset but i would be worried about them getting sick, having medication etc 

Whatever you decide to do wishing you all the best.

« Last Edit: January 05, 2018, 03:49:32 pm by JimDublin »
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Offline absopozilutely

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2018, 07:53:45 pm »
Hey, you should feel happy- it's been like, a LONG time since i've posted, actually it's been a long time since i've even logged in. But, i've been having a tough time of feeling alone lately and thought what the hell, might as well get on the site while i'm getting paid for it (lol i'm at work) Anyways, you and I used to be in contact, like a lot! And we were diagnosed around the same times, I also used to argue with Mecch a lot (Hi Mecch, I missed ya buddy!) Anyways, look, minus the cold sweats, crampy stomach, and shaking hands- it wasn't all that bad when I told my parents. You HAVE to remember that this doesn't define you, it isn't who you are, it's just something you have. I didn't tell my family for over a year, I told no one for a year except on here. It was TERRIBLE in retrospect, I alienated myself for no real reason, if they don't love me, like me, or lick me (NOT a typo LOL) after I tell them I have a disease, then fuck them- I don't want em' around anyways. Anywho, HMU in my PM if you wanna chat about it, i'm always happy to give my phone number out to peeps that wanna talk, or text. Much love! Matty
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Offline newbie92

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Re: Disclosing to parents...
« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2022, 03:37:36 pm »

Hello old friend!! I am so late! Well I still havenít told my mom. Ugh so anxious when the thought pops up in my head. I will do it sooner than later. I truly hope all is well and you donít feel alone. Feel free to text me if you have my number still.


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