girl +, just sharing my burden with all of you

[luvlylady]

hey y'all,
My story is the same as most. ... but hearing im positive has thrown me for a loop. I cried and cried and swore i wouldnt tell a soul. Im embarrased and ashamed, and feel so isolated. But i ended up telling my two best friends, which was an instant relief. Saying it out loud was hard. Almost fake, like i was lying. Anyhow, now that im aware and have researched this til my fingers were numb, is it normal or common to feel like im experiencing every symptom? I feel like a hypochondriac. The other part of that is the emotional aspect. Will i ever find someone who will love me, and except me for what it is?

5 years ago i met a man i fell head over heals in love with. He was infected but never told me. i saw him on the news one night, as being wanted for knowingly having HIV and tryin to expose women. A con man if you will. That day i also learned i was pregnant. Imagine ......
I had the baby, and tested negative all the way til last week. Its been nearly 5 years. The man is in prison.
I hate feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like a victim. Im so independent and confident, this has been a rough week.
I have 4 kids. One is recently married. I have alot to fight for. But im scared. I feel sick, a lil. My stomach is nauseous, and queasy. I have a dry couch, swollen glands, and shortness of breath, but mainly in the mornings.
i cant get in to see my specialist til next month. labs were drawn, levels will be revealed. I tested negative Nov 2009. So from then til now....what a change. I also have herpes 1 and 2. And rheumatoid arthritis. So i have alot going on....
I know about levels, meds, and living a normal life just from reading all of your advice and wisdom. So medically, im informed. Thank you all for that
But emotionally, im ready to break down. Like my spirit is broken. its so hard to find love for the average joe but i imagine all of this on top of it. i think about my kids and how devastating it would be on them if they lost me.....most of my thoughts are on that type of stuff. How others will be, how others will feel. im def a mom through and through. I guess its time to take a time out for myself.
I would love to meet some friends in my shoes. I guess i will find out about local support groups in my area. That may be nice to have.
Just prayers and support!
Thanks guys!

[jkinatl2]

I am sorry you tested positive, but am glad you found this place. A wealth of support and information unlike anywhere else on the webs.

[livelife83]

Hi Luvlylady,
Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear about your status and struggles you had to deal with. i too was recently diagnosed as of last week. I had similar symptoms to you and was  thinking I had all the symptoms, as well as going thru emotional stress. Its funny but fear and stress can really take its toll on your health. Try taking it one day at a time.
 I know it's hard to deal with all this overwhelming information but don't despair you are not alone. Focus on getting your labs and following your doctors' orders and don't worry you will be fine. It is a positive attitude that has made me go from emotional wreck to a very hopefully person. This forum has so far been excellent for me to educate myself and to ease some of my fears so you are in the right place. Best of luck with your labs, keep us posted   

[Ann]

Lady,

If you tested poz only recently but tested negative in November 2009, you're dealing with a very new infection - either that or you've had a false positive. Has your diagnosis been confirmed with a Western Blot?

What you've written reads like you think you were infected by this guy (who subsequently ended up in jail) five years ago. If that were so, you would have tested positive in November 2009. Please clarify.

[next2u]

and .... there are a lot of wonderful women in the women's forum (like ann  )

if you're positive status has been confirmed by a western blot then you are in the right place. there's a lot of great info and good people here.

and you'll live a long life. i just started meds and was super concerned about things that hadn't come into being. after starting meds i realized that my concerns were mostly unsubstantiated worries. in the meantime ask questions, lurk, do what you need to to cope with your diagnosis. the first year can be a bit rocky for some but you are off to a good start.

good luck finding those asos (aids services organizations). as far as world class friends go, you've come to the right place 

take care,
d

[Snowangel]

Welcome! Sorry about your diagnosis but glad you were able to find this site.

I have had 4 kids since becoming diagnosed in 97.  I find that wanting to be around for them has help to pull me out of bad times. Keeping a positive attitude can do wonders.  I hope you have some luck finding a support group in your area.  You can do a search in the community tab on this site.

Good luck!

Snow

[luvlylady]

thanks everyone!
yes he is the one i got it from. I have tested negitive every year til now. When i first found out i was tested every 3 months, for the 1st year. The doctors told me i was out of the woodwork and not to worry. guess they dont always know everything.

[Hellraiser]

thanks everyone!
yes he is the one i got it from. I have tested negitive every year til now. When i first found out i was tested every 3 months, for the 1st year. The doctors told me i was out of the woodwork and not to worry. guess they dont always know everything.

You cannot have gotten infected from someone you slept with a year before testing positive.

[next2u]

the how and where of infection is often a complicated situation for some of us (especially for some of the notorious people - like myself, lol). it is good that you know and now you can do the right thing to live the longest and healthiest life possible. i believe i know who infected me....but then again  

and welcome again : )

best,
d

[Ann]

thanks everyone!
yes he is the one i got it from. I have tested negitive every year til now. When i first found out i was tested every 3 months, for the 1st year. The doctors told me i was out of the woodwork and not to worry. guess they dont always know everything.

Lady, you could not possibly been infected by the man you slept with five years ago and have tested negative numerous times over. Most people seroconvert by six weeks following initial infection, and all will seroconvert by three months. It has to be someone you had anal or vaginal intercourse with without using a condom some time since you last tested negative in November 2009.

[luvlylady]

well i believe that i did. im not a doctor nor a scientist. But honnestly im not really here to debate that part of my story. Mainly just the status its self! But thank you for your concern and doubt.

[Matty the Damned]

well i believe that i did. im not a doctor nor a scientist. But honnestly im not really here to debate that part of my story. Mainly just the status its self! But thank you for your concern and doubt.

I'm sorry Luvly, it doesn't work that way.

There are serious discrepancies in your OP (original post) regarding how you think you were infected. It simply doesn't stack up, as Ann has noted.

If you want to be accepted into our community, you need to be honest with us. Just as we are honest with each other and will be honest with you.

And before you say "well it's none of your business Matty", I'd point out that you have shared your story with us of your own free will. We are fully entitled to comment on it.

MtD

[jkinatl2]

Tim Horn was instrumental in putting together the most State of the Art, up to date, first=tier peer-reviewed scientific site regarding HIV in existence. As things have changed, such as long term side effects of meds showing up, or transmission vectors reflecting a decade of study, the site has altered to reflect that.

I have failed to see evidence within the last decade to show anyone taking longer than six months to seroconvert. In some places here in the US, the testing window has even been moved to six weeks from three months.

And the people who test out past three months have ALWAYS tested out at six, and even THEN they are so rare they are studied, and fall into very specific groups with no functioning immune system whatsoever, such as people going through chemotherapy for cancer (which destroys white blood cells) or long-term IV drug abusers whose immune systems are wiped out.

And even those instances are virtually unheard of given the current generation of testing.

As Matty said, we are honest with one another. We have to be. And it really is all we ask of anyone in our community. This has caused a HUGE amount of controversy in the past. I personally regret that, and usually am a little shy about posting in this particular forum because sometimes newly infected people do not know, or do not remember how they were infected, and speculate. sometimes people drink, or use drugs, or have psychiatric issues that make it difficult to put that together, ESPECIALLY after being given such a life-changing diagnosis like HIV.

Rather than debate science with the shell-shocked, I really am (usually) more comfortable waiting to talk about the specifics until they are comfident enough in their diagnosis to move from the "I JUST TESTED POZ" forum to the "LIVING WITH HIV" forum. The latter implies some level of acceptance, a little perspective, and perhaps an ability to rationally discuss the science.

Because if we start chipping away at the established science with no extraordinary verification, than this site becomes no better than an HIV denialist site. Or any other HIV site that gives outdated or dangerous information.

Please understand that we are not trying to turn anyone away in their time of need. We are trying to keep this site the epitome of verifiability it has struggled so long to become and remain.

[Teresa]

Hello luvlylady,
 If you havent read the lessons here I strongly urge you to do so. They are located on the gray bar right above where it says All About HIV. Even though I am HIV- my hubby is HIV+. I read the lessons and then I had him read them and the really helped us.

Im glad you found this site. Like i said read the lessons if you havent. They will help you a lot.

Hang in there!

Hugs
Teresa

[Ann]

well i believe that i did. im not a doctor nor a scientist. But honnestly im not really here to debate that part of my story. Mainly just the status its self! But thank you for your concern and doubt.

Lady, the thing is, we cannot allow you to post such outrageous claims without challenging those claims. You simply cannot go for five years being infected and not test positive during that time.

The reason we have to challenge your claim is that many people read these forums. If we allow you to claim that you went for five years being infected but not testing positive, we're going to have people who have had conclusive negative test results all clamouring that they could still be infected, when that simply isn't so. Not allowing your claim to go unchallenged is kinda like how you can't yell FIRE! in a crowded theater.

We do want to be supportive of you, but at the same time we cannot allow you to put misinformation on these forums, regardless of whether or not you believe it to be true yourself.

There's one of two things going on here. Either you have had unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with someone who you don't know is hiv positive since October 2009, or you have had a false positive result.

You never answered our questions concerning whether or not you've had your diagnosis confirmed with a Western Blot test. Have you had this done? Have you had your CD4 and viral load test results yet?