Author Topic: Feeling like shit (Read 7386 times)

Almost2late · « **on:** July 27, 2014, 10:24:20 am »

So for a little while I was feeling pretty good after eliminating sustiva from my treatment.. Been exercising with weights and cycling.. Then thursday I decided to run, just a mile, what a big mistake! .. The next day lymph glands under my ears and under my chin started to swell even more than before.. I've been sneezing, stuffy head, headache, weak, all the cold stuff.. so I guess I got a cold.. My glands are so swollen that the pressure on my ears hurts and have make an effort to swollow, my neck feels tight.. and I look hideous!

This morning still feel like shit but just a tiny bit of improvement after so much sleep, slept 9 hours and thats alot for me, I usually sleep 6 and I'm good to go but my head still looks like a pumpkin.. I'm pretty sure this is gonna fuck up my cd4's as if they weren't fucked already.. AIDS sucks!

initforlife · « **Reply #1 on:** July 27, 2014, 10:35:29 am »

LOL you made me laugh. sorry but I do hope you feel better summer colds are the worst and hardest to get over. maybe some chicken soup and a good movie will help? other then that I'm sure you will be ok in time!

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #2 on:** July 27, 2014, 10:39:11 am »

I've been sick with a respiratory infection for over a week now. Not sure why it's not gone yet. I'm scheduled for my routine 4-month HIV check up in two days so I'll have him make sure to listen to my lungs while I'm in there. I've just been taking OTC stuff for it.

Jeff G · « **Reply #3 on:** July 27, 2014, 10:44:24 am »

True, summer colds are the worst . I have had some pretty good lab reports when they were drawn during a cold or sinus infection so please do not worry that every time you are sick that your immune system is being damaged ... in fact sometimes its is in overdrive during times like this .

Just be careful not to get hit by a bus walking across the street while preoccupied about a cold and your cd4 count and you will survive . Hope you feel better .

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #4 on:** July 27, 2014, 10:48:16 am »

I've also had really bad cd4 readings if taken during illness -- as in I lost 700 of them when I had swine flu. But hey, they all returned within four months so who cares?

I've also had cd4 counts go up after a night of snorting lines of coke.

Almost2late · « **Reply #5 on:** August 10, 2014, 11:24:07 am »

Trying so hard to be strong.. but I just don't think I can do it anymore.. Who am I kidding, I waited too long.. My face is a daily reminder of the damage I've done to myself and those who love me.. Once I'm gone, my family can have a more normal life, not having to deal with me and this dreaded disease.. I know I've broken their hearts and it would hurt them at first but that will pass, and they will be able to move forward.. Dear God forgive me

initforlife · « **Reply #6 on:** August 10, 2014, 11:47:37 am »

Gone a more normal life? Please if you are feeling this way call someone go to the nearest ER. anything . this is not the answer. You are loved and for you to be gone would be nothing but normal for you family.. I still get down but i'm on meds I don't wish to die l wish to live a long life I will not let a damn virus kick my ass or my mind. Please think of the people who would miss you. Even at my lowest day I had to think of the hurt I would bring upon my family if I wasn't here anymore. We all have bad days please hang on get some help change meds but don't give up . We are here for you! Pm me if you have to I'm a great listener!

mecch · « **Reply #7 on:** August 10, 2014, 12:48:48 pm »

Quote from: Almost2late on August 10, 2014, 11:24:07 am

Trying so hard to be strong.. but I just don't think I can do it anymore.. Who am I kidding, I waited too long.. My face is a daily reminder of the damage I've done to myself and those who love me.. Once I'm gone, my family can have a more normal life, not having to deal with me and this dreaded disease.. I know I've broken their hearts and it would hurt them at first but that will pass, and they will be able to move forward.. Dear God forgive me

What country do you live in?
How old are you?

I would like to understand why shame and familial judgement is such a heavy weight.

I certainly know of no god who judges people for having a virus.

Reggie · « **Reply #8 on:** August 10, 2014, 01:22:21 pm »

Hey Frank,

"Feeling like Shit", pretty much the title for my life the last 7 months as well! Yet you've cheered me up with the PM had, and given me strength.Don't know if I can make you laugh or smile reading this but sure as heck would like to because your words have put a smile on my face in the last months. Probably all the readers on this forum had the same feelings, somehow have to get strength from all of us!!

Your rebounding and I am, not easy but we gotta dig deep and do it. We are the same people we were before having this, and can't let it define us. Don't know what to say but feels like may as well be saying the same thibut thengs to myself. Somehow you've been a great strength to me and we've never met. You've got a great sense of humour and can only imagine your family and friends care about you more than they would ever let on....

And those who don't give a shit about don't deserve the time of day, people are people but can really see true friends and who's real in times like this....

We'll have shit days, but everyone does, and gotta get through um because it'll make the sunnier ones even more appreciated.

With you in spirit, keep going, need your good sarcastic humour to keep me going on days where I feel like shit!

From a true friend

Reggie

Ptrk3 · « **Reply #9 on:** August 10, 2014, 01:59:01 pm »

Almost2late: Remember you're Almost2late because you're NOT TOO late, thank goodness, so think of yourself, really, as JustinTime!

My numbers were not too far off yours. I was diagnosed in hospital with PCP, CD 9, and VL 111,000. A year later (always taking my meds), I'm CD4 131, VL undetectable (I was undetectable within a few weeks of starting meds).

I was very depressed about my diagnosis and got the professional help I needed to get through the initial feelings of shock, guilt, and shame, so I do know some of what you are going through. Truly, though, it does get better.

Do get the help you need. Do it for yourself, those who love you, and those who died during the first stage of this pandemic 30+ years ago, before the latest generation of retrovirals were formulated. I still have my bad days (and obsessive days googling for "cure" information), but I am closer now to an "acceptance" of things and am grateful in just having to take a pill a day ("an Atripla a day keeps the AIDS at bay!"). I feel better than I have in years (though sometimes a bit tired), but this disease, like many diseases, can be a journey of self-discovery. Be brave. Be strong. Endure.

Almost2late · « **Reply #10 on:** August 11, 2014, 11:52:58 am »

Okay, I had a bad day.. Sorry for that post, was feeling super down

and sometimes its hard for me to deal with this.

Thanks Init, Reg and Pt, your posts really did help me out.. Just needed to get that out there, thinking of suicide a lot lately and I needed to say it.

Mecch, that's the second time you asked me "how old are you?" why does that matter? Why the interrogation?.. I don't understand this line of questioning, I want to speak to my lawyer.. It's like your Border Patrol, DMV, Therapist and Priest all rolled into one, lol

Well that felt better

mecch · « **Reply #11 on:** August 11, 2014, 12:26:04 pm »

Quote from: Almost2late on August 10, 2014, 11:24:07 am

Trying so hard to be strong.. but I just don't think I can do it anymore.. Who am I kidding, I waited too long.. My face is a daily reminder of
the damage I've done to myself and those who love me..
Once I'm gone, my family can have a more normal life, not having to deal with me and this dreaded disease..
I know I've broken their hearts and it would hurt them at first but that will pass, and they will be able to move forward.. Dear God forgive me

I don't mean to interrogate, you, really sorry! And did you answer the first time?
Why does it matter? It doesn't really matter to me. As I said, I would like to understand why the family weighs so heavily on you. Those 2 questions might be a way in. Maybe you don't want to talk about it. But you made 3 clear statements about how you feel, vis-a-vis the family, and since it seems to weight so heavily, maybe you should talk about it here.
Has it occurred to you you may be assuming worst case scenarios about family judgment?

As I said, I don't know any God that judges people with a virus. Society sure can. Families, unfortunately can. The best way for an HIV+ to live well is to confront stigma and decide which battles, and education campaigns, are worth it, and which are not. But to just assume the worst, it is a pointless energy drain and maybe either self-destructive, or selfish. Maybe. Who's to say.

You should also start talking about shame and judgement you carry in yourself and apply to yourself. IMO.

Your post was thinly veiled suicide ideation. Now what do you want from this forum - people to ignore such statements? Just assume someone making them is "having a bad day."?

Ptrk3 · « **Reply #12 on:** August 11, 2014, 12:41:30 pm »

No apologies needed, Almost2late. We all have bad days. It's called "being human." We have good days, too, and that's what we need to remember when the bad days come, and they will come again to us all from time to time.

Now that you feel better, perhaps you should think about getting some individual professional help. It worked for me. Thinking about ending it all frequently, as you self-report that you do below, is no small thing. This forum is great, and you should feel free to write your thoughts here in a safe place, but sometime individual sessions with the right professional does wonders as you work your way through overwhelming emotions. Think about it.

mecch · « **Reply #13 on:** August 11, 2014, 12:51:17 pm »

Did you family say that they have been damaged? How have they been damaged?

How does your having HIV lead your family to an abnormal life? Help me understand with some details.

Whose heart do you feel you have broken? Is this your perception, or did someone really communicate that?

Almost2late · « **Reply #14 on:** August 11, 2014, 01:19:15 pm »

Your right mecch, sorry about the statement but I did wake-up yesterday again with suicide on my mind and I do own a gun so it was very possible as I've thought about this before and yesterday the urge was extremely strong.

You have to understand, I was ALWAYS the strong one in my family.. I was the protector, bread winner, husband and father.. This is quite a step down for me, not the man I used to be anymore.. I've been trying to get stronger but all it gets me now is sicker.. I'm afraid to exercise.. I don't want to be defined by hiv but aids is fucking me up pretty good.

I got no issues with god.. really I could use his help.. Just thinking how terrible it would be for my family to find me with my brains all over the floor was enough to deter me from accomplishing my threat.

On top of all this, I haven't been laid in 8 months.. Thats enough to drive anyone crazy.

By damaging myself, I damage my family because they love me, they also hurt.

mecch · « **Reply #15 on:** August 11, 2014, 02:53:41 pm »

Is your family suffering financially because you have HIV?
Refresh my memory please - who in your family knows that you are HIV+, and what has been the reaction so far?
I encourage you to keep talking here about these things. They are directly related to your suicidal thoughts, obviously.

Almost2late · « **Reply #16 on:** August 11, 2014, 04:30:34 pm »

I'm afloat at the moment.. not able to work overtime due to my constant fatigue, sometimes I can't work my shift.. so we budget.

My wife and all my kids know and are all supportive of me.. they are not the reason.. I'm the reason.

mecch · « **Reply #17 on:** August 11, 2014, 04:44:07 pm »

Quote from: Almost2late on August 10, 2014, 11:24:07 am

My face is a daily reminder of the damage I've done to myself and those who love me.. Once I'm gone, my family can have a more normal life, not having to deal with me and this dreaded disease.. I know I've broken their hearts and it would hurt them at first but that will pass, and they will be able to move forward.. Dear God forgive me

Ok I see the picture a bit more clearly. So in fact you haven't broken their hearts?
Because you are sick now its rotten that less money is coming in... Try to keep in mind that you are steadily working towards undetectable and slowly and surely you should get your strength back. Im not being a pollyanna though, there are adjustments to be made sure.
I don't see how blowing your brains out is going to help you family live a "more normal life". I don't understand that very much at all. As a matter of fact, illness can arrive in a family and it is what it is, it's just he new normal.

If you waited too long to get diagnosed and treated, what a pity but there is nothing to do about it now its in the past. I think you have to forgive yourself for that and marshall good energy to get better from now for the future.

My personal experience is that the suicide of a loved one is incredibly violent and horrible for everyone and would in most instances, not be a way to help the survivors...

It can maybe be the best choice for someone with no more options and facing a certain hell. Im not sure I understand that your situation is that dire.

Almost2late · « **Reply #18 on:** August 11, 2014, 05:11:05 pm »

Thanks Mecch, point taken and appreciated.

mecch · « **Reply #19 on:** August 11, 2014, 05:19:21 pm »

I had a lover in the 80's who got very sick very quickly. He was healthy and then several months of hideous this and that. He wrapped himself in a sheet and committed hari-kari. I guess he didn't want the final injustices of AIDS (and there were SO many in the 80s) + pain. It was a surprising act for us. Must have been horrible for himself.

I tell you that because he had no future. AIDS was a terminal illness.

initforlife · « **Reply #20 on:** August 11, 2014, 06:53:15 pm »

Almost we all have days like this. I have been sick since Jan off and on before I even found out I had hiv. I almost died in Jan from something that had nothing to do with hiv.. I would ask this of you please talk to someone about the feeling like you need to take your own life. and in the mean time Please remove your guns from your house . I had to do the same thing I was scared of being so down one time and doing something I really didn't want to do. So got rid of the gun . and called my dr and got a med change and some AD. I still have bad days but they are getting better. Please hang in there . No judgment here ever. only hugs and love!

hcj90 · « **Reply #21 on:** August 11, 2014, 07:41:12 pm »

Almost,

When I was 19, my mother attempted suicide. Thankfully she didn't succeed and is still with us today. From that moment that I heard she was in the hospital, it changed me more than I realized. I felt guilty because she and I had been arguing a lot around that time. I lived in fear that she would try it again for a very long time. Please, realize that if your family is having difficulties dealing with your situation now...well, if you did decide it was over, they will live wondering what they could have done to prevent it. If you need to see a counselor, please do so. I'm glad you had a place here to share what you are going through.

Two years ago I found out I had Aids. My first knowledge that I had been living with HIV for many years. I could no longer do my job, due to many side effects, and permanent damage. Fortunately I am single and have no family depending on me for support. I too, know what it's like not to be able to take care of the things I used to. Thankfully I have support from my immediate family and friends. It's not easy, and I am being treated for depression. I try not to think about what I could do, but what I am able to do now.

Wishing you the best!
HCJ

Almost2late · « **Reply #22 on:** August 11, 2014, 07:52:54 pm »

Mecch, thank you for sharing your experience with me and I'm sorry for the lost of your lover, that must of been very hard to deal with, may he rest in peace.

I got you all wrong mecch, you are very human and caring .. thanks for taking the time to help me out.. big hug to you

Hi Initforlife, we have something in common, 2014 is a year we both will never forget, all my troubles started in january also.. hope you are having one of the good days today.. I actually was thinking of selling my guns, could use the cash anyways,lol.. thank you for being there, hugs & love back at you

HC, your absolutely right.. thanks for sharing, how's your depression? are you on meds for it? .. will be talking to the doc end of this month

hcj90 · « **Reply #23 on:** August 11, 2014, 08:05:49 pm »

Almost,

My infectious disease doctor, after hearing my whole history when we found out I had Aids, suggested I try something for depression. I actually have been on meds for depression off and on since I was 19...now 45. It took several tries to find what works well, so if you are prescribed meds, realize that it has to be tweaked usually. I am doing better and also taking a sleeping pill for the first time in my life. I was up pacing the house at 3am. So yes, I am doing better.

Thanks for asking! Please do keep us updated on you. I'm sure you are going to get better and it's possible to find joy again!

HCJ

Almost2late · « **Reply #24 on:** August 18, 2014, 09:27:26 pm »

Hi everyone,

Was going to start a new thread but thought WTF, let me just continue this one.. Was gonna call it "Feeling like shit, NOT" but thats not it, though true, thats not it.

New thread : "I Found Myself"

Yeah, that's right, I found myself because ever since my dx, I felt I was doomed and not the person I once was before my dx.. Like I've been mourning the lost of someone I loved, "Myself".. Now, I know some will laugh but seriously, if we loose a loved one we are miserable and I was miserable cause I believed lost myself who I loved so dearly.

I spent too much time thinking about "Myself", especially when I was alone and I couldn't bare the lost

, "What have I done to myself?"

But worst was that I actually wasn't lost but more that I've thrown myself away, wrote myself off, discarded myself... and without myself I could not exist.. So I replaced myself with "Aids me", who I despised

.. Aids me sucked!!.

So I wanted to kill Aids me

.. But thats not what I said, what I said was
"I want to kill myself".. "I WANT TO KILL MYSELF!!".. I said that phrase so many times till it clicked, I don't want to kill myself.. I want to kill Aids, not "Myself".

And thats how I found Myself..
Yeah, I know, I'm nuts, thank God I'm nuts

Jeff G · « **Reply #25 on:** August 18, 2014, 09:34:48 pm »

Good for you ! . Its not good to walk around wanting to change what you can not undo . What you are doing is a good first step at moving on with you life and appreciating the fact that a it may be a different life than you imagined but it can be a good life . I have seen similar tough times and I have to remind myself every now and then that the best and most exciting times of my life happened after HIV .

Jmarksto · « **Reply #26 on:** August 18, 2014, 09:40:33 pm »

Hey Almost;

Thanks for the update. I think many of us have gone through a period of self-hate/destruction to varying degrees. While mine wasn't giving up on life, I was ready to give up on my career in a big way -- looking back it wasn't logical.

Its good to hear you are doing better.

JM

initforlife · « **Reply #27 on:** August 18, 2014, 09:42:05 pm »

Great to hear almost. I'm still working on me. Glad you are finding you again. That dx does cause one to lose themselves for awhile. but you are going to make it and We all here will be here for you as long as you need us. sorry if I speak for others too but I know so many on this site care as I do.

Almost2late · « **Reply #28 on:** August 18, 2014, 09:46:15 pm »

Myself thanks you ALL.. I love myself but I love ALL of you too

I'm so fuckin vain, LOL

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Author Topic: Feeling like shit (Read 7386 times)