POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: scottish on March 10, 2011, 06:54:55 am
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i am truely struggling here...my hubby has over the past 3-4 years turned into someone else..we are both poz and allways stuck together thru thick and thin...but i feel i cant cope anymore.........he has mobility problems and walks badly ..i understand he was allways active...out running with the dogs...working hard ...but it has been 10 years since he worked and i try really hard to keep him occupied ..i work hard and have my own health to worry about but he is allways grumpy and when hes not hes angry or having a go!!! it seems he is in competition with me allways...he cant wait to slap me down ..tell me im doing it wrong....fault me at every turn...and its wearing me down. i have over the years allways made excuses for him...maybe hes feeling bad, sore or depressed....i have tried so manuy times to talk to him but it inevitably turns into a slagging match...he pulls faces, ignores me when i try to talk.....its incredibly difficult to live like this......i have tried to talk about depression...telling him its normal..it happens to everyone ..me too....but nothing but anger is coming back at me.
he is in hospital this week for mri and all the usual checks on his spine and nervous system.....and the words multiple sclerosis have been murmured by doctors and neuroligist.......so you can imagine what hes like ....gutted hurt and depressed....i arrive and he attacks me verbally for stupid little things...like the t shirt i brought was not the right one.......help what to do!!!!!
we had discussed trying for a baby we have been married 18yrs.....i accepted so much for him ...but it seems the give and take the luv and affection is gone............i love him so much but he hurts me emotionally almost daily....and the worst thing is he wont talk to me or anyone else.
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Hi scottish,
sorry that you are going through turmoil. I can't offer any advice as I haven't been in a relationship in over 15 years, but I have had two long term relationships of ten years and fifteen years....
I just know that we would have our ups and downs....and I know that pain does change a persons way of looking at the world....
..are you doing any better today?
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Dear Scottish,
I sorry life is well downright mean for you. and it sounds like the pair off you have got trapped in repeating behaviors, whereby one vents and the other just takes it, When you say help what to do my instant response is stuff the Tshirt down his gob and leave the ward for a good meal.
However easy for an outsider to say but don't live your life as a punch bag its no good for either off you, and would be awful to grow up in.
I hope you find the strength to go for what you want and recognise that your loving patient does not seem to have any effect on him,, take care
love Theyer
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I am speaking from experience:
YOU need to go to a support group or get to a counselor.
Your problem is taking care of you.
You should not allow your husband to suck the life out of you.
Get angry with him if you are angry and tell him how what he is doing makes you feel.
Oh, sure, this is not easy.
I had to be a caregiver to a partner who, like your husband, became a different person after he became ill and developed opportunistic infections. It was after he blew up at me and threw a piece of cake on the carpet then ground it in with his foot that I kind of realized that I had to step back and take care of myself.
I assembled all our friends and each one took a day or night or event or what ever to get Paul out of the house and give me some free time.
It was also during this time when I met my future partner. At first I felt guilty but it was the best thing that has happened to me because Kurt helped me thru the death of my former partner. He was there to hold my hand, as Paul could not any more.
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i am truely struggling here...my hubby has over the past 3-4 years turned into someone else..we are both poz and allways stuck together thru thick and thin...but i feel i cant cope anymore.........he has mobility problems and walks badly ..i understand he was allways active...out running with the dogs...working hard ...but it has been 10 years since he worked and i try really hard to keep him occupied ..i work hard and have my own health to worry about but he is allways grumpy and when hes not hes angry or having a go!!! it seems he is in competition with me allways...he cant wait to slap me down ..tell me im doing it wrong....fault me at every turn...and its wearing me down. i have over the years allways made excuses for him...maybe hes feeling bad, sore or depressed....i have tried so manuy times to talk to him but it inevitably turns into a slagging match...he pulls faces, ignores me when i try to talk.....its incredibly difficult to live like this......i have tried to talk about depression...telling him its normal..it happens to everyone ..me too....but nothing but anger is coming back at me.
he is in hospital this week for mri and all the usual checks on his spine and nervous system.....and the words multiple sclerosis have been murmured by doctors and neuroligist.......so you can imagine what hes like ....gutted hurt and depressed....i arrive and he attacks me verbally for stupid little things...like the t shirt i brought was not the right one.......help what to do!!!!!
we had discussed trying for a baby we have been married 18yrs.....i accepted so much for him ...but it seems the give and take the luv and affection is gone............i love him so much but he hurts me emotionally almost daily....and the worst thing is he wont talk to me or anyone else.
Like it or not, you are a battered woman and you need to find some support, now! I was in an abusive relationship and what your husband is doing, is abusing you verbally. I urge you to call a woman's crisis center and talk with someone, because you can break the cycle of violence, but not until you understand what is happening. Bear is right, what matters right now is taking care of you and whatever you need to do, to feel both safe and sane, is what you need to do.
I know you may not want to hear this, or maybe you do, as it was my daughter who alerted me to the changes in my partner at the time. As I read your post, the majority centers on how he verbally assaults you and is directing whatever anger he feels, for whatever reason, at you and that is abuse. The fact that he will not talk about it, remains his problem and I urge you to stop making excuses for him. What he is doing is wrong and hurtful to you and you do not need to accept or tolerate his behavior.
Please talk with someone. Such abuse can often escalate rapidly and you need to be prepared to protect yourself. If I can help in any way, please PM me.
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Scotish
Oh my, I'm hearing you loud, and clear. Kudos on makeing it as far as you have. It takes true love to stand behind a lover/partner, who is emotionally draining your resources. At this point, I think it would do you both good, if YOU, took a holiday. You need a break, to gather your thoughts. This relationship is in deep water. Your partner may not realize just how awfull he is being. He needs time out to reorganize his thoughts, as do you. Time for a time out.
Take some time for yourself, quiet space to relax, unwind. You deserve it. Scottish, in a normal relationship, perhaps a few sentences are said in haste, before things are back on track. Days on end is just not right.
Take the time out to find out if you truly are "hoplessly in love".
Bertram
xo
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And I'm in agreement with everyone here, sweetie :-* you are NOT a punching bag....
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If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck....
I have to agree with the others in here Scottish. You need to seek help.
Sounds like you deserve better Hun.
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scottish -
I'm in agreement with everyone else here it seems. If he won't talk to someone you should. Maybe in time you could get him to come to a session with you too.
Also without necessarily going into detail I would mention the depression to his doctors. He might be more receptive to hearing it from them.
Good luck!
AA